Broken
by WendyAnn
Summary: How does someone survive a trauma that changes everything? How does she find the will to live? Edward was too late to save Bella in Port Angeles. Can she save herself? Rated M dealing with the aftermath of rape. Indie Award Nominee!
1. Retreat

**Broken **

All characters are property of Stephenie Meyer.

**BPOV**

Was I still breathing? Was this what death felt like? I honestly couldn't tell. There were four of them… no, better not to think about that. They had… I couldn't stop shaking. I knew I should move, get to safety somehow. I couldn't do anything except lay there, feeling as battered inside as I knew I was outside. All the times I had been hurt, nothing compared to what I felt now. It was as if my soul had been torn to pieces by those men. I would never feel clean again. How could I, when the very core of me was tainted, damaged.

"Bella?" I heard his voice. _NO!_ Not him! He couldn't find me here…. Not like this. I felt him try to touch me and I cringed away from him. I knew he wouldn't hurt me but still, I couldn't stand to have anyone touch me. Never again.

I retreated into the only safe place I had left. My own mind. No one could touch me there.

**EPOV**

I was too late. I was shaking with the rage that threatened to consume me. I wanted to go after those…_animals_ that had done this to her. The monster inside of me screamed for their blood. But I couldn't leave her alone like this. She was curled up in the street, her clothes shredded around her. I could smell blood. They had hurt her. I had to suppress the hatred all over again. Strangely, I had no trouble keeping my thirst in check. I only wanted her to be safe.

"Bella?"

I moved to touch her, to let her know I was there. To my horror, she shrank away from me. I didn't know what to do. I fell back onto my knees beside her. My poor angel. The love that I had never deserved and would never be worthy of. I had failed her. I shuddered, tearless sobs wrenching from my body. The vibrations of my cell phone interrupted me. I knew who would be on the other line.

"Alice, I was too late." The grief in my voice shocked me. "I couldn't save her." Agony swept over me, along with the guilt I knew was only just beginning. It was my fault she was here, broken on the pavement, afraid of my touch.

"Edward, you need to pull it together and get her help. I know you couldn't save her, but you are no good to her now if you fall apart or go after them. She needs to get to a hospital," Alice said gently but firmly. She was trying to bring me out of the darkness I felt closing in. "She needs you now."

"She won't let me touch her," I murmured. I didn't know what to do to help.

"She will now. She's not really there at the moment. I called Carlisle. He's waiting for you at the hospital."

"Thanks, Alice." I closed the phone slowly. Bella hadn't moved at all. She was still curled on the pavement. I wasn't as sure as Alice seemed to be that she would let me touch her. I wished, for what seemed like the millionth time, that I could hear her thoughts.

I moved slowly and took off my jacket. She needed to be covered. She wouldn't want to be exposed as she was. They had torn at her clothes. Already I could see bruises blooming under her fragile skin. She would be black and blue by morning. As gently as I could I laid my jacket over her. She didn't move at all so I slowly placed my hands under her and picked her up. Alice was right, she didn't respond to my touch in any way. It was like she was just gone.

As I carried her towards my car, my fury turned inwards, to myself. Some protector I turned out to be! I was sitting in this car, daydreaming about this girl, while she was being raped. I didn't save her. It was my fault. I should have been paying closer attention. I carried Bella as though she were made of spun glass, and placed her gently in the passenger seat. She stared straight ahead, her eyes completely vacant. It was physically painful to see. It was as if there was nothing left of the girl I loved but had never had the chance to know. The girl I watched sleep, waited, hoping to hear my name from her in her dreams, was gone. All that was left was a vacant shell.

I buckled her seat belt and walked slowly to my side of the car and got behind the wheel. I felt like I had frozen, turned colder than ice. Everything in me seemed to be suffocating. I drove as quickly as possible, pushing the car past one hundred miles per hour, trying to get her to Carlisle. I knew he could help. He had to save her, since I didn't.

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**A/N- This is my first fanfic so play nice! I have a whole story mapped out in my mind so more will be coming.**


	2. Shattered

All characters are property of Stephenie Meyer.

**Shattered**

**EPOV**

Carlisle and Alice were waiting as I pulled into the hospital parking lot. Bella hadn't moved at all since I buckled her into the passenger seat of my Volvo. Her eyes stared straight ahead, blank and unseeing. I was shaking with the force of my terror as I again lifted her gently into my arms. My touch elicited no response from the fragile, broken human in my arms.

"Follow me," said Carlisle and I carried Bella into the hospital and a waiting exam room.

_Edward, what happened?_ I looked sharply at Alice as I heard Carlisle's thoughts. Her face crumpled.

_I'm sorry, Edward, I just couldn't say it. I just told him that she was hurt and we needed to be here._ I could hear the grief in her thoughts, along with the guilt that she hadn't seen what would happen sooner.

"She was raped Carlisle. There were four of them…" I trailed off, unable to continue. I felt numb, as if there was too much in me to feel. I laid Bella gently down on the hospital bed. She looked so small and pale. The harsh white of the hospital linens only emphasized how fragile she seemed.

"I'll need you both to step out so I can examine her," Carlisle stated as a nurse walked into the room. I started to protest, not wanting to leave her side. _Edward, I can't take care of her with you here right now. You need to trust me._ I nodded at Carlisle's thoughts and took Alice by the arm. We walked out into the hall to wait.

_Edward, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault! I didn't know what would happen. Those men made the decision so quickly… there wasn't any time._

"It's not your fault Alice. If I had been paying closer attention -" my sentence was cut off abruptly as Bella began screaming from the other side of the door. It took all of my self control not to break the door down and be with her. Instead, I slid down the wall slowly and put my head in my hands. "Alice, will she be ok?" I asked, knowing Alice would be looking ahead.

Alice paused as she scanned into the future. I watched as she tried to get a vision. _I can't see for some reason. I'm not sure what will happen Edward. To have something like that happen… _

I got up and started pacing, trying not to hear Bella's cries. _Edward, let's go wait in Carlisle's office. It might help._ I took the hand Alice offered and we walked away, Bella's cries fading to sobs in the background.

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**CPOV**

I had to carefully mask my thoughts from Edward as I examined what had been done to Bella. My heart ached, both for this girl before me, and for my son, who was also broken in his way. When Bella started to scream, it startled me. The nurse tried to calm Bella down by explaining but it wasn't working. I stopped, and tried to speak to her.

"Bella? Do you remember me? Dr. Cullen? I'm Edward's father. Remember, I saw you here after the accident?" I couldn't tell if she understood me but her screams slowed. Sobs started to shake her body. "Bella, I'm trying to help you. I won't hurt you. I just need to see your injuries." She was still crying but I was able to at least start looking at her injuries.

"Oh Bella." I was shocked at the number of bruises on her poor body. With my extra sight, I could see that many of them were in the shapes of hands. One seemed to be from a knee as she was held down. I had to struggle to contain my anger at what had been done to this girl that my son loved.

"I think we will need X-rays of her right wrist. She must have struggled. Also her ribs." The nurse nodded and went to order the tests. When she came back, she had a rape kit in her hands. I knew we needed to collect evidence for the police, but that didn't make it any easier. I completed the task as quickly and gently as I could. I found the source of the blood I had smelled. Bella had been a virgin.

"She will need to be admitted for a few days. Please get her settled into a room. I'll return shortly," I said to the nurse. It was time to speak with my children.

**EPOV**

Waiting for Carlisle to finish with Bella seemed to take an eternity. Time had never moved so slowly. I paced back and forth around the office that I had once found soothing, now only a prison. Alice simply sat, trying to see the outcome of what had happened tonight. I could hear the frustration in her thoughts as she was still unable to see anything clear about Bella's future. Finally, I heard the footsteps I had been waiting for. Carlisle had been keeping his mind carefully blank so as not to tell me anything before this moment.

The door finally opened to reveal the man that was, for all intents and purposes, the only father I knew. He looked anguished and tired.

"Carlisle, please…" I begged for information on Bella. He sighed, and I knew the news wasn't what I was hoping for.

"Bella has multiple physical injuries. Her right wrist is broken, as well as three of her ribs. She has bruising over 67% of her body. I'm more concerned with her mental well being however. She's slipped into a catatonic stupor. Once she stopped crying, she became unresponsive once more," I appreciated Carlisle's detached manner but I had a question he was carefully not answering.

"Carlisle, I smelled the blood. Where else was she hurt?" I asked, not sure I wanted to know the answer. Carlisle came to stand beside me and put his hand on my shoulder.

"Edward, Bella was a virgin," he said softly, his hand tight as he held me where I was. He was right to take this precaution, as I would have jumped up from the chair. My breath came in gasps as I tried to understand the magnitude of what had been done to this beautiful girl that I loved so much. I took a few moments and tried to steady my breathing.

"What about her catatonia? Are there medications you can give her to help her come around?" I asked. Anything so I could see the life in her eyes once more.

"There are, however I am hesitant to utilize them. Her mind is protecting her from what happened. She will come around when she is ready. You need to be patient, Edward. Give her time."

I knew he was right, but it didn't help. I was wracked with my guilt and sorrow. It was almost enough to bring me to my knees. I felt Alice's small arms wrap around me, attempting to bring me some comfort that I didn't deserve. I tore away from her and resumed pacing.

"What do we do now? We have to help her." I needed a plan, anything I could to help her. There had to be something. I heard Alice shift behind me.

"Edward, we need to call her father. I'm sure by now he's frantic. Angela and Jessica probably called him and we need to let him know what happened. We also need to call the police. Charlie shouldn't find out from a co-worker on the force." Alice's voice was gentle as she gave me some guidance. I shuddered at the thought of telling Charlie what had happened to his only daughter. I knew he wouldn't blame me, how could he know this was my fault, but still, I wished I could spare him this. Spare them both.

_Edward, I can make the call._ I heard Carlisle's voice whisper in my mind. My father was trying to be careful with me, to keep me from the snapping he knew must be imminent. I nodded, grateful to be spared the task.

"Can I see her?" I asked. I needed to see her. It was a gnawing ache inside of me.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea Edward," Alice started. "We don't know how she will react. I can't see it either."

"Alice, I need to see her." She couldn't deny the agony in my voice. Carlisle nodded and Alice and I left as he began the unenviable task of notifying Charlie and the police.

Alice and I walked in silence to Bella's room. She had been moved into a different room but I had no trouble picking her scent out from the other people and the overlying sent of antiseptic that accompanied all hospitals. I wasn't prepared for the sight of Bella in the hospital bed. Knowing the extent of her injuries couldn't prepare me for how fragile and damaged she looked. In just a few short hours, the bruising had gotten so much worse. I could see hand prints on her arms and around the cast on her right wrist.

She was so pale.

Her eyes were still open and just as vacant as they had been when I carried her in. Alice took my hand as we approached her. If I had had tears to cry, they would have been pouring down my face. I ached to be able to shed tears for her. I walked slowly to her bedside, trying not to frighten her. I couldn't tell if she knew we were there. I softly brushed her hair out of her eyes. She didn't move or acknowledge me in any way.

"Bella?" I whispered, trying to see if she recognized me. Suddenly her eyes were frantic, full of fear. She looked around, terrified, and, before I knew what was about to happen, she began screaming again. She began to thrash in her bed, trying to escape something.

"Edward! She's afraid of you! Please, you need to go," Alice said to me urgently. I could see in her mind that Bella would calm down if I left. I moved out the door as a nurse rushed in to try and quiet Bella's screams. I collapsed as soon as the door swung shut behind me. She was afraid of me. All the times I thought she should be afraid of me I never imagined it would hurt so much when she finally was. Bella's screams suddenly cut off. The silence was shocking. The door opened and Alice stepped out.

_I'm sorry, Edward. I don't know why she reacted to you like that. I could see that you leaving would help her though…_ Her thoughts were kind but it didn't help the pain. _I think she's sleeping now. It's hard to tell._ I couldn't find the energy within myself to get up so she sat down beside me in the hall outside Bella's room. We waited for her father and for Carlisle to arrive. _Do you want me to call Jasper? He'd come if you need him to._

"No, thanks Alice. I'm not sure he could handle the smell of blood here," but I appreciated the offer. And I knew Jasper really would come if I asked, no matter how he felt about Bella and the potential risk she posed to our family. I knew better than most that it was the thought that counted. Alice rested her head on my shoulder, letting me know she was there for me. She tried to think about pleasant things to give me a break from the heartache all around us in the hospital. It provided a little relief and I was able to focus on her thoughts and block out those around me. I allowed myself to rest there, with Alice, for a few minutes.

_Charlie's here. Better get ready._ Alice and I stood up. I tried to brace myself as the panic in his thoughts started to reach me. I couldn't make out every word but the feeling of it was more than enough. As Charlie came around the corner, I saw his eyes and they were wild with fear. He saw me standing there, just outside his daughter's door.

"Charlie, I'm so -" I was cut off as Charlie rushed over and hugged me. Of all the responses I expected from him, this was not even one I considered. I could feel his gratitude for me finding Bella. It made me feel even worse that I didn't deserve it. I should have saved her, not just found her after the fact.

"Edward, thank you so much for finding Bella and bringing her here. I don't know how I could ever repay you for helping my little girl," Charlie was shaking with the tears he didn't want to fall. "Where is your father? I'd like to thank him as well." I could hear that he was scared to see Bella; to see the extent of her injuries, though Carlisle had briefed him on her condition.

"He'll be here shortly I'm sure. Bella's room is right there," I gestured towards her door. Charlie froze, and I could hear him steel his nerves for what he would see.

"Of course," he said. He took a deep breath and opened her door. I could hear the shock in his thoughts and see Bella through his eyes. She hadn't moved, hadn't changed. I wondered if she would scream because he was there, like she had with me. Maybe it was all men? She screamed when Carlisle was there as well. Maybe it wasn't just me? I waited, somewhat hoping to hear her cries again. But there was only silence. She had no response to Charlie at all. It really was me. I started to crumple again and Alice caught me. At that moment, Carlisle came around the corner. He took one look at me and I could hear his thoughts.

_Why don't you and Alice go outside for some fresh air? I need to talk to Charlie. You should go home and tell the others._

I nodded and started towards the door. "Carlisle?"

_Yes?_

"Take care of her." He nodded, and Alice and I left for home.

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**A/N - Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and review! I hope to have Chapter 3 up for you in just a few days, with the help of my new beta!**


	3. Silence

Chapter 3 - Silence

All characters are property of Stephenie Meyer.

**A/N - Ok now I understand why people ask for reviews! Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to review or favorite or alert this story! Hopefully you will continue to enjoy it. **

**APOV**

Edward and I rode home in silence. I thought about trying to talk to him but, from the look on his face, I knew it would be pointless. I tried looking into Bella's future again, to see when and if she would recover. All I could see was blurry shapes and shadows. Why couldn't I see her? I was getting more and more frustrated. I wanted to be able to reassure my brother that the girl he loved would be ok. But there was just nothing.

I looked into Edward's future instead. What I saw there made me gasp. The sound had Edward turning to look at me, his eyes black as pitch.

"Edward, you can't hunt them." I spoke out loud so I knew he could hear me. My mind was still filled with the visions of Edward brutally killing the men that had raped Bella so there was no question that he knew what I was talking about.

"They deserve to die. By rights, they _should_ die," Edward said in a voice colder than I had ever heard.

"She wouldn't want you to kill for her, Edward. You know that."

"How do you know? You've never spoken to her," he asked cruelly. He knew how much I longed to start the close friendship I had already foreseen with Bella.

"That doesn't mean I don't know her. I've seen her, remember? Please, don't do this," I pleaded with him. "You would hate yourself for it later." As soon as I spoke those words I knew they were a mistake.

His eyes were filled with disgust and self-loathing as he looked at me again. "I already hate myself. I let this happen to her. The least I can do for her now is make sure she never has to fear those men again. Her or anyone else. It's _justice_, Alice."

"There is no justice in torture, Edward," I said quietly. "You know this is wrong." I watched the visions in my mind start to shift as Edward looked for a way to kill them without torturing them first. In every one he lost control. In many he looked back at me with red eyes. Finally, he accepted that I was right. I breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Edward. We will find another way to get justice for Bella. I promise you."

We turned into the long driveway that led to our home. I was sad and anxious to see Jasper. I needed him to hold me. I hadn't told him or anyone else what was happening. As soon as I had the vision I ran for my car. I called Carlisle from the road. Jasper was waiting for me on the porch when we pulled up. The moment the car stopped I flew into his arms. It all became too much and I shook from the force of my own sobbing. Behind me I could hear Edward slowly approaching. Neither of us was looking forward to telling our family about Bella.

**EPOV**

I could hear the thoughts of my family as Alice and I arrived home. Apparently she hadn't told them about Bella either. Jasper was on the porch and his thoughts were screaming with worry for Alice and panic. I could see her face, filled with the horror of her vision, and feel her terror through Jasper's memory. She dropped everything and ran. He could feel the depth of her despair and it scared him. She ran into his arms as soon as I stopped the car and began to sob. I followed her, but slowly. I was in no hurry to tell my family what my failure had cost Bella.

Jasper looked at me as I passed. I could hear the concern in his thoughts.

_Edward, what happened tonight?_

I just shook my head and continued into the house. This wasn't story I wanted to tell more than once. I could hear the thoughts of the others as they waited in the living room. I sat down on my piano bench and buried my head in my hands, trying desperately to keep myself in control and ignore the questioning thoughts around me. Once I heard Alice and Jasper enter I took an unnecessary breath in a futile attempt to calm myself and looked at the worried and expectant faces of the family that loved me, though tonight I did not deserve their love.

"Bella was raped today in Port Angeles. I was too late to save her." I tried to keep my voice steady, but it shook slightly from the force of the emotions I was feeling. Shocked silence greeted my words. Rosalie was the first to speak, surprising me.

"Who did this?" The fury in her voice made the words sharp and cutting. I blocked out her thoughts before answering.

"I don't know all of their names. The leader's name is Lonnie. There were three others as well. They were at a bar on Second Street when I left. I had to get Bella to Carlisle." Rosalie's eyes flashed as she stalked from the room. I saw Jasper look up at her sharply but didn't bother to listen to his thoughts. I hadn't thought of what this news would bring up for her. I was glad I could ignore her thoughts. I had no desire to hear her memory of her own trauma tonight. I wouldn't be able to stop myself from picturing Bella's face, hearing her screams again. I tried to escape the memory of how Bella had looked when I found her, bleeding on the pavement.

"How is she?" Emmett asked, his voice soft. I glanced at my normally playful brother and saw nothing but deep concern on his face.

"Not good. It's like she's gone. I look into her eyes and they are empty. She doesn't move, doesn't speak, except to scream if anyone gets too close to her. She screamed when she heard my voice…" I broke off, unable to continue. Perhaps Bella, in this new, broken state, could see me for the monster that I truly was. Maybe she blamed me as well. She knew this was my fault. I wouldn't blame her for hating me.

I felt more than heard Esme's approach. Her hands came to rest softly on my shoulders.

_Edward, _she thought, catching my attention._ My poor son. You need to stop blaming yourself for this._

"How can I? If I had just been paying closer attention this never would have happened. I should have saved her," I moaned. "You didn't see her. She looked so small…" I could hear Esme struggling in her mind for something that would help me, comfort me. Finally she just squeezed my shoulders and went back to the couch. I stared at the keys of my beloved piano but I couldn't find it within myself to play anything. It was as if the music had deserted me and there was nothing left. If I believed I had a soul, I would think this had killed it. That was no more than I deserved for having allowed this to happen.

Alice's thoughts caught my attention. She was still trying to see when Bella would wake up. I could hear her increasing frustration and anger as she continued to see only vague shadows. Jasper stood up suddenly and pulled her into his arms. "Is it ok if we go for a walk, Alice?" I knew the intensity of my emotions, not to mention the others', was probably getting to him. Alice nodded and she and Jasper left the house. The silence left between Esme, Emmett and I ached. It throbbed, filling the room with a thick sadness that kept us all still, lost in our own thoughts and pain. I was surprised that Emmett had remained so quiet. I glanced over to see his normally cheerful face somber as he stared at his hands. I focused on him so I could hear his thoughts.

_This isn't right. Things like this shouldn't happen! She's so fragile… Rose didn't survive when this happened to her. What kind of life will Bella have now? If she even wakes up from this whatever she's in…_

His thoughts turned into memories of his early days with Rosalie, how she wouldn't let him touch her for the longest time and how hard he had to work to gain her trust physically. Though Rosalie had brought Emmett to this family to be changed, she still hadn't healed from the trauma that brought her here. She had recovered eventually but it had taken many years. And I knew better than most how often her attack still crossed her mind. She never had to fear the men who had raped her again; she had long ago proven them cowards before ridding the world of them completely, but sometimes she would see someone who reminded her of one of them and it brought everything back in a rush of painful and terrifying memories. When that happened, she was no longer Rosalie Cullen, powerful and confident vampire. She was simply Rosalie Hale, soft and weak human girl who wanted nothing more than to marry the richest boy in town and live happily ever after. I hoped that Bella would be spared that, at least, but I knew it wasn't likely. I had read about other rape victims during my time in medical school and the trauma was far more than physical.

The front door opened and an exhausted looking Carlisle walked in. I jumped to my feet, fear clutching my ice cold heart. Had something happened to Bella? Carlisle must have read what I was thinking in my wild eyes.

_There's been no change, Edward._

"Carlisle, is there any indication as to when she will wake up?" I was almost afraid to ask the question, knowing the likely answer.

"She's been through so much, Edward. Her mind is trying to protect itself. It could be hours, days, weeks. We don't have any way to know really. We understand so little about how the mind works. All I know is that she will wake when she is ready," he spoke aloud for the benefit of the rest of the family, knowing they would want to know the answer as well. He shook his head sadly and went to embrace Esme, taking the comfort she offered. They had both seen Bella as a potential daughter, though Esme had never met her in person. The depth of Esme's sorrow for this lost daughter she never knew shocked me.

We all sat, lost in our own thoughts, for what seemed like hours. I heard Alice and Jasper return but didn't look up, too deep in my own misery. The silence was shattered by Alice's gasp.

"Rose, what have you done?"


	4. Justice

**Huge thank you to my fantastic beta, TwilightPrincess123! Also, thanks to those of you that have taken the time to review. It means a lot to me! Especially the three of you that reviewed every chapter! You are all wonderful. I hope you enjoy Chapter 4!**

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All characters are property of Stephenie Meyer.

"_Rose, what have you done?"_

**APOV**

I watched, unable to tear myself away, as the vision filled my mind's eye.

The bar was smoky, and reeked of alcohol and cigarettes. It was dimly lit, but that didn't affect my vision or Rosalie's. She could hear them in the corner, bragging in hushed whispers about what they had done to Bella. I could see the rage and hatred building in Rosalie, looking for an outlet. She strolled over to the men and immediately had their full attention. That was the power of Rosalie's beauty. I was sure they thought it was their lucky night.

"Hello, boys," said Rosalie, her voice deliberately seductive. The one that seemed to be the leader smirked. He was thin, for the most part, except for a spare tire around his middle. His teeth were stained from cigarettes and his hair was short, almost non-existent, and dirty. His pockmarked face leered at Rosalie.

"Well hello beautiful. Care to join us?" he asked, and his voice grated on my nerves. Rosalie smiled at them.

"Don't mind if I do." They had no idea that an avenging angel had just sat down among them.

"So, what's your name?' Again, it was the leader who spoke. The others merely looked on, flashing glances at one another. The atmosphere of anticipation and arousal was starting to build in them.

"Justice," said Rosalie. I could hear the barely contained fury in her voice. The humans were either oblivious or too drunk to understand. Either way, they were unaware of her intentions.

"That's a pretty name. I'm Lonnie. This here's Marcus, and over there is Billy and Josh," he said, pointing to each man in turn. "Well then, Justice, what brings you here tonight?"

Rosalie smirked at him, which I was sure he took as a sign of interest. "I'm looking for someone actually." Her answer brought the excitement in the men to a palpable level. They looked at one another and smiled. Naturally, they were thinking of a repeat of what they had experienced with Bella.

"Are you sure I'm not who you are looking for?" said Lonnie; in what he probably thought was a sexy voice.

"You could be," said Rosalie with a smile.

"Why don't we get out of here?" Lonnie asked, and his heart rate increased when Rosalie nodded and stood, her movements fluid and smooth.

"Why don't we?" she said in her smoky voice. She gestured for them to lead and they almost tripped over one another in their anticipation. Behind their backs Rosalie rolled her eyes as she followed them out of the bar.

The vision shifted, and I saw Rosalie and the men in a darker room, one with a bed and a lamp. It was sparely furnished, just the bed and a small desk with a chair. It appeared dirty, the threadbare bedspread stained and the color faded with age. A hotel room, maybe? The men eagerly filed in, with Rosalie right behind.

What happened next was fast, for most of the men, and brutal. Though Rosalie hadn't killed a human in many years, her perfect vampire recall made it so that it was no trouble for her to eradicate the vile creatures in front of her. As soon as the door shut behind her she went into action, starting with the closest human to her. She crushed their windpipes one by one, careful not to break their skin or spill a single drop of blood on the carpet. She left Lonnie for last.

He was curled up on the bed, weeping as he stared at the broken bodies of his friends. He knew what was coming for him.

"You know, Lonnie, men like you don't deserve to live. Do you know why?" Rosalie asked him as she moved silently towards him. He shook and wet himself in his fear. He was unable to answer her and simply shook his head over and over again.

"Men like you, who rape women, should all die. Today, I'm Justice for them," and with that statement made, and a flick of her wrist, Lonnie's arm was broken. He screamed in pain and clutched at his arm.

"What, you can give pain but you can't take it?" Rosalie sneered, breaking another bone in his arm. "Typical." Lonnie started to beg for his life.

"Please, I'm sorry! I'll never do it again! I swear!" he wept.

Rosalie placed her hands on his face, in a gesture that might have been taken for comfort in any other situation.

"That's right, you won't."

Rosalie moved her hands and the snap of Lonnie's neck was audible throughout the room. I flinched just watching it. She looked around the room at the bodies around her. There wasn't a sound to be heard, all life extinguished by her hands. With a smile of satisfaction, she turned and stalked from the room.

My vision cleared and I couldn't help the words that slipped from my mouth.

"Rose, what have you done?" All eyes in the room, the golden eyes of my family, turned towards me. Jasper looked at me in concern, having felt my horror during the vision.

"Damn it, Rosalie!" shouted Edward from across the room. He stormed upstairs and we could hear his fist slam through a wall. He, of course, had seen everything I had. Jasper left my side to go and try to calm him before he could do any more damage to the house.

"Rosalie killed them," I said in a quiet voice. "She killed the men that raped Bella." Emmett had a look of angry pride on his face and I knew that he was glad for what she had done. Esme turned her face into Carlisle's shoulder. Carlisle simply looked weary and defeated.

"Alice, will the murders be traced back to her?" he asked me. I searched the future, looking for the outcome of her actions.

"No. She was seen by some of the other bar patrons but they were all drunk and won't be able to give an accurate description beyond 'hot blonde chick'. Once the DNA comes back from the rape kit and is a match to them, the police won't look too closely. The rape of another police officer's daughter isn't taken lightly. They will let it slide." I said with some measure of satisfaction. "None of us, outside of Edward briefly and you at the hospital Carlisle, have been seen with Bella so there is no reason to tie the crimes to us."

We could all feel the calming waves that Jasper was sending out, trying to reason with Edward. I knew that his anger was not that the men were dead, but that it was not his hands that had dispatched them.

Edward and Jasper returned downstairs, Edward still fuming about Rosalie's actions. Light was starting to come through the windows as the sun came up. They returned to their previous seats, Edward on the piano bench and Jasper by my side.

**EPOV**

How could she take this from me? Bella was _mine_, mine to protect and defend. If anyone had the right to snuff the life out of those men it was me! I couldn't contain the anger inside me as I watched the vision playing through Alice's mind. I ran upstairs and punched the first wall I came to, leaving a huge hole. Esme would not be pleased. I could hear Jasper coming after me as Alice started to explain her vision to the rest of the family.

_Edward, this isn't helping,_ Jasper thought at me as he sent waves of calm in my direction. I tried to allow him to settle the all-consuming hatred that seemed to be suffocating my unbreathing body. Slowly, his calming influence began to seep into me and the red haze cleared from my vision.

_Better. Can you come back downstairs?_ Jasper asked me. I nodded and followed him back. I couldn't look at any of the others as I resumed my vigil at the piano. I stared at the keys, not even seeing them for the most part. I felt the sun start to rise as we waited for Rosalie's return. Alice's vision had shown Rosalie's actions only minutes before it was happening so it shouldn't be long. She shared my love of fast driving. I knew Alice said that no suspicion would fall on us but that didn't appease my anger. I heard a car pulling into the driveway and recognized the sound of Rosalie's car. She walked in moments later, her head held at a defiant angle, daring us to rebuke her.

"I had to. They couldn't be allowed to live, to do this again to someone else," Rosalie stated before anyone had the chance to speak.

"Rosalie, we are not judge and jury to humans. They would have been caught. There was evidence from Bella's rape that would have put them in jail," Carlisle said.

"How many more women would have been hurt in the meantime Carlisle? I stopped that. Bella probably wasn't their first victim, but I made sure she was their last." Rosalie was unrepentant as she sat next to Emmett. She looked at me and directed her thoughts to me only.

_Edward, I know you wanted to kill them. Did you see that I made him suffer?_ I just nodded my head at her wearily. I heard the thoughts of my family around me. Esme's surprised me the most. She was glad for what Rose had done. Esme is so gentle; I forget sometimes that she was a battered wife once. She was so happy that I had found someone to love and so devastated that Bella had been hurt. She couldn't help but be glad that the men who had damaged Bella so much were no longer walking the earth.

"Rosalie, Alice has seen that your actions tonight will not bring suspicion to us, however, you must realize that you put us all in danger tonight. You were so concerned with Edward's actions in saving Bella yet you took a much greater risk," Carlisle stated calmly. His thoughts betrayed his demeanor. It had been a long day and his control was pressed to the breaking point.

Emmett looked up at Carlisle. "She did the right thing. I would have done it myself if she hadn't. Or Edward would have. It doesn't matter which of us killed them. They were sentenced to die either way."

"There's nothing to be done about it now. You should all get ready for school. We must keep up appearances," Carlisle said.

_Edward, I know you would rather be at the hospital but we need you at the school. We must know what people are thinking._ I nodded at Carlisle's thoughts and went with my siblings to get ready. It would be a long day.

We arrived at school at our usual time and I started listening to the thoughts of the other students. Jessica must have been very busy last night because most of the student body knew that Bella had disappeared. News of the rape had yet to make it around school and I was relieved for Bella's sake. Once she woke up, and she _would_ wake up, she would not want the attention of being known as a rape victim. No one had seen me in Port Angeles so my part was also unknown. I moved through my classes, hardly paying attention. It was in my first period class that I discovered that the teachers knew what had happened to Bella. Charlie must have called the school to let them know why Bella wouldn't be in. I hoped they would keep the information to themselves but knew it was only a matter of time. I sighed.

At lunch, I sat with my siblings at our usual table. We all pretended disinterest in the things around us as I filled them in on what I had heard, my voice too low for human ears. I could hear the kind thoughts of Angela Weber as she worried about Bella. I debated telling her what had happened, but decided she would find out with the rest of the school. I could not appear too interested. Jessica was busy thinking of ways to make the story more sensational and make herself appear better. I tried to ignore her thoughts.

I had Biology next hour and suddenly the idea of sitting at that table without Bella was too much to bear. I decided to go see her at the hospital.

_It's ok, Edward. Go ahead and go. We will take the car home. _Alice had seen my decision and was letting me know that it was all right to leave. I looked at her and headed for the parking lot, leaving her to explain to Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper. I forced myself to walk at human speed until I reached the woods. Suddenly my desire to see Bella overwhelmed me and, the moment I was safely out of sight, I raced as fast as I could towards the hospital.


	5. Surfacing

**A/N - I was too excited about this chapter to wait for my lovely beta to read it so please excuse any errors! As always, all characters belong to the talented Stephanie Meyer, however, I am eternally grateful that she shares.**

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****Surfacing**

**EPOV**

I hesitated outside of Bella's hospital room. Should I knock? Would anyone respond? I couldn't sense anyone else in the room with her so I quietly opened the door, hoping to not disturb Bella. I had never been able to hear her thoughts and I never wanted to more than at that moment.

The lights were on in the room, illuminating the doll-like frame of the girl on the bed. Her brown hair appeared dull and limp around her. She was so pale she made the sheets around her look gray. But it was her eyes that were most disturbing. They were completely vacant, like a deep void that nothing could ever fill. I shuddered, but was unable to look away.

I kept my distance from her, not knowing what kind of reaction to expect. The last time she heard my voice she screamed. She didn't seem to register my presence at all. I crept quietly to the chair near her bed but moved it so that it was across the room before I sat down. I didn't want to give her any reason to perceive me as a threat to her. I folded my hands in front of my face with my elbows resting on my knees and just watched her. What was she thinking? What was she feeling? Did she know I was here? Did she know she was safe. I had an idea and reached for my phone. It was only seconds before Alice answered.

"I think that will work, Edward," she said, already knowing what I was going to ask.

"Will Jasper be ok coming here, with the scents and all?" I spoke in a tone too low for human ears to pick up, not wanting to set Bella screaming again.

"He should be fine. The overwhelming scent there is antiseptic anyway. We will be over in an hour," she answered. I was grateful.

"Thanks, Alice," I said, and I closed my phone. If I couldn't know what Bella was thinking, at least we could know what she was feeling.

The time passed slowly as I waited for Alice and Jasper to arrive. I simply sat and watched for some sign of life in the doll on the bed. She bore very little resemblance to the girl I loved. The life and vitality that normally shone from Bella, even at her shyest, seemed to have disappeared, as though it had never been. The thought that her soul had been so damaged shook me and I found myself trembling as Jasper and Alice walked in. I felt Alice's arms come around me from behind as we both looked at Bella.

_Any change?_

Again, I responded too low for Bella to hear. "None. Alice, have you seen when she will wake up?" I asked, scared to hear the answer.

_Nothing. All I see is her like this. I'm not sure why I can't see her awake again. I mean, there's nothing physically keeping her like this right?_

I shook my head as my attention was grabbed by Jasper's thoughts. He was starting to panic.

_Edward, it's like there's no one there at all. I can't feel anything from her! It's just a void… I don't understand. I have always been able to feel things from Bella! It's like it's a corpse lying there…_

"Don't even think that! Bella is NOT dead!" I shouted, forgetting Bella's reaction to male voices. Her screams started moments later and we rushed from the room as nurses came in to try and calm her. Again, my mind was filled with Jasper's thoughts.

_Huh. Well, I felt that. When she heard your voice, Edward, she was afraid. I'm getting nothing but paralyzing fear and terror from her now. It's better than the void though._

I couldn't look at either of them. How could she be so afraid of me? Did she somehow know that this was my fault? I felt the guilt creep up and over me in a tidal wave of pain that would not relent.

Jasper turned his head and looked at me sharply. "Would you please stop that! Whether this is your fault or not doesn't matter anymore! For God's sake this is NOT about YOU! This is about Bella. She needs us, **all of us**, to be strong for **her**. Wallowing in your self-pity is petty and selfish! So pull your head out of your own ass and get it together."

I felt a flash of anger that was quickly suppressed by remorse. Jasper was right.

"I don't know how to help her. She's afraid of me. Not that she shouldn't be, but I can't figure out why now instead of before," I confessed, confused.

_Edward, I have an idea,_ thought Alice, gaining my full attention. _Obviously, she can hear since your voice frightened her so much. _I shuddered, in memory. Alice shrugged, apologetic. _Sorry. Anyway, we want her to trust us, right? _I nodded at her. _We should start coming every day to talk to her. Maybe just me and Esme at first… she is probably still very wary of men in general. Rosalie would be helpful as well. We could gradually bring Emmett and Jasper in to talk to her once we've talked to her for a while._

I noticed she hadn't mentioned me in this plan. "Alice, what about me?"

She shook her head sadly at me. _Edward, she's so afraid of you. All I can see when I think of you talking to her is screaming. _If I could cry tears, the visions in Alice's mind would have broken them free. I nodded.

"Ok. It's worth a try. I'll stay in the waiting room though. At least I can hear what's going on that way." I was resigned to staying away from my love. Jasper was right, this wasn't about what I wanted. It was about helping Bella, in any way we could. Her screams were beginning to die down, so we decided it was time to go home and explain this new plan to the rest of the family. For the first time I felt a glimmer of a new emotion… hope.

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**BPOV**

I was drifting on a river, floating, safe and comfortable. As long as I didn't think about what had happened I was secure. The moment it crept up into my mind it was as if I started to sink again. It was during those moments that I started to hear the voices.

"Bella? My name is Alice Cullen. I'm Edward's sister." I shuddered inside hearing his name. He couldn't see me like this…

"Is it ok if I hold your hand?" I heard the musical voice belonging to Alice Cullen ask me. Of course, I had no response for her. I felt a tiny, cold hand slip into mine. Her touch didn't frighten me as I expected. It felt … nice. Comforting. Perhaps I wouldn't drown here, in this darkness. Not as long as someone was with me anyway. Someone safe. I sighed, knowing she wouldn't hear me.

"I know we haven't officially met, but I'm hoping we can be friends anyway," Alice continued. Who would want to be friends with someone like me? "I'll tell you all about what is going on and, when you wake up, I'm sure we will be just like sisters!" I could almost feel the bouncing excitement radiating off of her. It was starting to be a little too much for me and I felt myself floating back up, towards the peaceful surface of my river. I could still hear her voice trailing off as I broke the surface, into my silent world once more.

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Time was irrelevant in my world. I drifted for minutes, hours, days, weeks. It didn't matter. Yet every time I sank beneath the surface of my river, towards the reality I was trying so hard to escape from, someone was there. Alice, at first, and then she was joined by another.

"Bella dear? My name is Esme Cullen. I'm Edward and Alice's mother." I could feel soft stroking of my hair and forehead by another set of cool hands. I knew what the Cullens were, Jacob had told me, but it didn't seem to matter anymore. If they had wanted to hurt me they would have by now. I knew I would offer them no resistance. Death would almost be a relief.

"How are you feeling today? I hope you aren't lonely when we aren't here. Carlisle, my husband, is trying to get approval for someone to be with you all the time. He's a wonderful man, and a good father." I could hear the smiling pride in her voice. It sent a warmth through me. Renee had tried, but she was more of a younger, impulsive sister that needed looking after than a mother.

"Your father, Charlie, was here earlier. He misses you so much, dear. But don't worry, he's being taken care of too. We are all here for you both." I wondered how people I didn't even know could come to care so much. It didn't make any sense to me. I wasn't ready to let go of her voice yet though so I fought to stay in the darkness, something new for me.

"I have several other children as well. You've probably seen them at school. Rosalie and Jasper are the twins, and Emmett is my other son. They would all like to visit you but we don't want to overwhelm you. Emmett seems to think that all you need is one of his bear hugs to get better," she said, laughter in her voice. I cringed inwardly at the thought of her son hugging me. "I told him that he might have to wait a while. We want you to be comfortable when you wake up." Why were all of these people so convinced I would wake up? I was happy and safe where I was. I could feel frustration starting to rise so I let go of the blackness and started to rise again for the surface of my river. Her voice became a whisper as she faded away.

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"Hi Bella!" Alice again. Her footsteps danced towards me. "I know you must be so tired of that hospital gown so I got you some pretty new things to wear. I know you will be much more comfortable." I should have been embarrassed that a stranger was changing my clothes but I couldn't seem to find it within myself to be modest. Maybe it was easier because I couldn't see her or what she was doing. I felt her surprisingly strong arms lift me and rearrange things as she changed me into something soft.

"Is it ok if I brush your hair? I love it when Jasper, that's my boyfriend, brushes mine. It's soothing. And everyone needs that sometimes, even me!" she laughed, as I felt a brush start to pull through my hair. It did feel nice.

"Speaking of Jasper, would it be ok if I brought him with me to visit you sometime? He won't touch you, or come near you. He's been so worried and I know he would like to see you for himself." I was confused. I had only seen Jasper a few times at school and he didn't seem the type to worry about a stranger. It made me uncomfortable to think of him here, in my room, where I was defenseless. Thankfully most of the people taking care of me seemed to be female. It helped, when I fell into the black, to know that men weren't here. It was slightly less terrifying. I realized then that Alice was still talking.

"…and my sister Rosalie will be coming by later today. She's sweet, when she wants to be. Don't worry, she wants to be a friend to you too." Rosalie I remembered. She was intimidating in her perfection. Great, the blonde goddess would see me. I was sure that, no matter what Alice had just done, I would still look mousy. That was just me. I couldn't think about it anymore and I broke through the surface, back to floating on my peaceful river alone.

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I sensed someone was there, but not speaking. It was making me nervous. Just as I was about to reach for the surface of my river, I heard her speak.

"Bella? I know that you don't know me, but I'm Rosalie Hale. You might have seen me at school?" I was surprised by how hesitant her voice sounded. The Rosalie Hale I remembered was confident. This Rosalie sounded … unsure.

"I just … wanted you to know that we are all here for you. I know that you are scared," how could she know that? "but it's better if you wake up. We will all be here for you." Her nerves were starting to get to me and I decided it would be better for me to stay far from Rosalie Hale. At least for now.

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I floated along, a leaf in the current, peaceful. Reality kept threatening to intrude on my peace but I had been fighting it for a while. I didn't want to hear anything the visitors in my room had to say. They kept talking about me as if I would wake soon. Didn't they understand? I didn't **WANT** to wake up. Out there wasn't safe! Here is safe. Here no one can hurt me again. Here Edward can't find me. I can be anything here. I never wanted to leave. They couldn't make me.

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I had no idea how much time had passed since the "incident", as I was now referring to it in my mind. I refused to acknowledge what had happened. Using the word would make it real and I couldn't handle that. I had to protect myself. It was the only thing keeping me sane. At least, I thought I was sane. It had been a while since I allowed myself near the blackness between my river and reality. I wondered who had been to visit me. Had they given up? Would they allow me to float in peace forever?

As I started to wonder, I felt the blackness creeping over me and I allowed myself to listen. There were, as always, people in my room. Someone was holding my hand.

"… Jasper wanted to visit so I told him that I didn't think you would mind," said the musical voice of Alice Cullen. Did this mean Jasper was here? "He's sitting farther away from you. I wasn't sure if you were up to a male presence holding your hand." Ah. Well, as long as he didn't touch me…

"Jasper, do you want to say hello to Bella?" I wondered if he would speak. There was a long pause and Alice gripped my hand a little tighter.

"Hello Bella. It's nice to see you again," he said slowly. I could hear a trace of a southern accent. It was sweet. He paused, as if waiting for my reaction. I felt the grip on my hand loosen a little, as if I had reassured them somehow.

"Do you mind if I read to you for a while? I brought some books with me I thought you might like," Jasper continued, and I felt a calm wash over me. Strange, I didn't usually feel so calm in the black. It was too close to the reality I wanted to avoid. But it was kind of nice to hear their voices. For once I enjoyed being close to reality as Jasper started to read to me. The calm and peace stayed with me as I just listened.

**APOV**

I studied the future as Jasper read to Bella. Sometimes I could almost see her waking up, but then the visions changed back to the state she has been in for nearly five months now. I knew that Charlie had given up on ever getting Bella back. Edward was aching, because he hadn't seen her in nearly the same length of time. He didn't want to cause another fit of screaming. He didn't tell me, but I knew it was crushing him that the rest of us, save Emmett, of course, could see Bella when he couldn't.

"Jasper, what is she feeling now?" I asked too low for her to hear. He paused in his reading and looked up at me.

"She feels content. Peaceful. Earlier she was that empty void but she came around a few minutes after we walked in. If I had to guess I would say she likes hearing our voices," he said, looking rather pleased with himself. He continued reading to Bella as I thought this over.

Why couldn't I see her waking up? It's been so long, I should have been able to see something, anything. Sometimes there were flashes but then nothing. It didn't make any sense! I decided to try talking to Bella since I knew she was listening. I laid a hand on my husband's arm and motioned for him to stop.

"Bella? I know you can hear me. It's been too long now, Bella. You need to come back now. Charlie's missing you. We are all missing you. You need to come back," I told her, in a firm voice. I looked at Jasper, wanting to know what she was feeling.

"She's agitated now. Upset. And a little… defiant? Huh. Her emotions are fading now," he said with a shake of his head. "The void is back." I sighed. So much for that theory.

"She liked hearing your voice though, Jazzy. It's good that she heard a man's voice and didn't scream, right?" Jasper had several degrees in psychology. He nodded at me.

"It's progress, that's for certain. But she retreated again when confronted." I studied the tiny frame of Bella, resting on the bed. She had grown thinner these past months, almost emaciated. IV lines fed her nutrition and physical therapy kept her from atrophy but most of her muscle tone had been lost. That's when it hit me. I rushed out to the waiting room, leaving a startled Jasper watching after me.

"Edward! I know why I can't see Bella waking up!" I bounced in place, ecstatic over my revelation. Edward lifted his haunted eyes and looked at me.

_She doesn't __want__ to wake up! She's choosing to stay exactly where she is. That's why I can sometimes see flashes of her waking but it never stays. That's when she is tempted to come back. She's making the choice to stay locked away. _

Hope flashed in my brother's eyes as he considered what I had told him.

"We should tell Carlisle. Can you get Jasper? He might have ideas as well," Edward said, his voice stronger than I had heard in months. I nodded and flew back to Bella's room, as quickly as I could without being noticed. Jasper was still sitting near Bella. Quickly, I told him we needed to find Carlisle and he should come with us. He nodded.

"Bella, I'm going to go with Alice now, but I will be back to see you tomorrow," he said softly, though he knew Bella couldn't hear him. He followed me into the hall where Edward waited.


	6. Permanent

**A/N - I have to dedicate this chapter to riskyshapes, who left me a review that made my entire week! I'm posting this chapter a little early as a result. It's a pivotal chapter, my longest ever, and I'm thrilled with it. Thanks also to my lovely beta, TwilightPrincess123! **

**Enjoy, and please, review!**

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All characters are property of Stephenie Meyer.

**JPOV**

It made sense to me that Bella would choose to stay locked in her mind to avoid the pain that was waiting patiently for her return to reality. Who would want to face that? Who would be brave enough? I was a vampire who had seen all types and manners of pain in my time and I couldn't imagine how to begin to deal with that pain. Part of me selfishly hoped that she would stay where she was. I wasn't sure I could deal with her pain when she woke up. It was a fleeting thought that vanished as soon as it appeared. Apparently not quickly enough because Edward growled at me. I shrugged at him. I couldn't help the stray thought. I wanted Bella to get better. No one deserved the kind of confinement she was imposing on herself.

We walked together in silence towards Carlisle's office, each lost in our own thoughts and feelings. For the first time in months I was feeling something new from my brother: hope. It was a nice change from the despair and grief that had been consuming him. He had been mourning Bella as if she had died. I saw his shoulders stiffen in front of me at that thought but didn't acknowledge it to him. He knew it was true. We were all wondering if Bella was too damaged to return to him. I knew that I had once been in favor of killing her for the threat that she posed to our lives but now I couldn't imagine life without her, as strange as that seemed. I had had very little interaction with Bella myself but I could see how she affected Edward and Alice.

Alice had seen a close friendship with Bella and was longing for the friend she had not had the chance to make yet. She hadn't seen that vision in quite a while but I knew that she dwelled on it often. She was terrified now that the vision would never come to pass. As much as she loved Rose and Esme, she wanted this new sister badly. She felt complete when she remembered that vision. Her pain at it's loss was a constant ache to her. She wanted her family to be complete and to see Edward as happy as the vision had once promised he would be.

Edward… well there was a change there though it was different than I had expected. He was still brooding and moody, but there was a depth to it now. It was as if he had seen what life finally had to offer him only to have it snatched away before he could truly experience it in the cruelest game I had ever seen Fate play. He longed for Bella. And he finally had some hope for her and his future. He had lost all enjoyment in the things he had once loved these past few months. He hadn't touched his piano since the night it happened and I hadn't heard any music coming from his room at all. This new hope from him was a relief. It was like being able to breathe again after suffocating on emotions for months.

Though I didn't know Bella, I would do anything for Alice and Edward. Alice was the love of my existence and Edward was my brother. For those reasons, I would do whatever was within my power to help Bella. I would endure her pain and help her through it. They were worth it.

Edward looked at me and I was shocked at the depth of emotion in his eyes. For a few moments I had forgotten that he could hear my thoughts. His feelings washed over me, a swell of gratitude, love and hope. I nodded to him, acknowledging without words that I knew what my decision had meant to him.

"She's going to need you, Jazz," said Alice from beside me. I knew she had seen my decision as soon as I made it. "You more than anyone can help her with this. Once she wakes up, that is."

"Alice," I started. "have you seen her waking up yet?" Before I had finished the question she was shaking her head at me. She had a determined glint in her eyes.

"No, but now that I know she's just being stubborn I have a few ideas." With that being said she knocked on Carlisle's door.

"Come in," he said softly, knowing we would hear. We entered his office, ready to explain Alice's theory about Bella.

**EPOV**

I was still shaken by Jasper's sudden resolve to help Bella. I knew that he meant every word he thought, but it still came close to bringing me to my knees in relief and gratitude. Jasper, more than anyone, could help Bella. He could feel her pain, and help her understand it. He had been through enough in his time to understand the violence that people can inflict on each other. Not to mention his varying degrees in psychology. I couldn't help the hope that welled up in me as Alice began speaking to Carlisle.

"Carlisle! We know why Bella won't wake up!" she was practically bouncing with excitement, her eyes alive and dancing. His eyes shot up to meet hers first, then mine. He looked tired…. and defeated.

"What? Why?" he asked quickly.

"She doesn't want to. That's also why I can't see her waking up. She's made the conscious choice to stay where she is, all locked up and hidden away from anything that could hurt her again. Until she chooses to come back, I can't see it." Alice explained quickly. Her mind was spinning with things to try to bring Bella back.

"Alice, slow down." I put my hands on her shoulders to try and stop the bouncing. "Please explain to Carlisle first what happened today with you and Jasper." She nodded at me, understanding.

"I brought Jasper with me today to read to Bella. I was hoping she would respond to a male voice without screaming. She did too! She didn't scream once with Jazzy," she shot him a look full of pride. Jasper looked rather smug as well, but I couldn't bring myself to be bothered by it. "Anyway, he could feel what she was feeling. At first it was just the void thing she does, but after a few minutes he started to feel her. She was content, Carlisle! She liked hearing his voice, and mine."

Jasper shook his head at her. "She did like it, until you pushed her, Alice," he said, his voice gentle and calming. "Then she got frustrated and defiant. The void came back."

"She wants to come back, Jazzy, I know it! We just have to push her a little," said Alice, and I could see her plans forming in her mind. Jasper started to speak but I shook my head at him, wanting to see what Carlisle would come up with.

Carlisle's eyes unfocused slightly as he took in the information and tried to process ways to help Bella. I followed his racing thoughts as they finally settled on the conclusion that I had already come to. I nodded at him. Jasper.

"Jasper, I'm afraid this is more your area of expertise than mine. I have studied psychology, of course, but you much more so. Do you have any ideas on how to reach Bella?" Carlisle asked, looking at his son. I could hear his slight worry for Jasper's control but more, his pride in Jasper for being so willing to help Bella.

"I think so. I'm going to keep visiting her, keep reading to her for now. Eventually I'll talk to her about other things, once she's used to my voice. I don't think it's wise to push her yet. I want to try and coax her out of this state first. Pushing too hard could cause more damage than has already been done. As it is, I'm not sure how fractured her mind is. Her emotions seem whole, but simple. It's hard to explain. Like she is holding everything back, far from herself. I want to try though." He looked confident.

_Edward, I really will do anything I can to bring her back to you._

His unspoken thoughts reassured me more than anything. But I couldn't stop the jealousy that he would be able to talk to her, as I couldn't but longed to. There had to be a way to communicate with her, to tell her that I wouldn't hurt her and that I'm waiting. That I would be here for her. Some way I could reach her without fear. I played with the melody in the back of my mind as I tried to think of something non-threatening I could do to talk to Bella. That's when it came to me. Music.

Alice gasped and started clapping excitedly. "Yes! Edward, that will work!" I smiled at her, enthusiastic for the first time in a long time. Carlisle and Jasper looked at us questioningly.

"I can't talk to Bella, I know that. There is so much I want to say to her but can't. I thought that it might work if I communicated with her through music. Just a few songs you could play for her on CD so that she knows what I am trying to say. So she knows I won't hurt her and that I want to help." I shrugged at them, trying to keep my own rising excitement at bay. I knew just the songs too. We all settled in to plan how to bring Bella back to us.

Alice insisted at first that she could help, that Bella really needed to be pushed. It took all three of us to convince her that we couldn't push her, it could make things worse. We decided to stop mentioning her waking up to her at all. It was risky, but we were hoping it would pay off. And, as much as Emmett really wanted to visit, it was decided she wouldn't be able to handle his presence until she was awake. He would have to wait. I would continue my vigil from the waiting room, while Alice and Jasper would be her main visitors. Also Esme, as we thought Bella might appreciate a mother.

Though Alice still had no visions of Bella waking up, I knew we all felt a renewed spirit as we left Carlisle's office. Soon, my Bella. Soon.

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**BPOV**

Alice and Jasper continued to visit me. Jasper came every day and, as much as I tried to tell myself I wasn't, I looked forward to both of their visits. I always felt so peaceful when Jasper was there. Most days he read to me. Different stories, some about history, which didn't seem nearly as dull as it did in school when he told them, and other more recent novels. Nothing upsetting or anything like that. I knew he was careful in the stories he chose to tell me.

Since that first time Alice pushed me, neither of them had spoken of me waking up. It was a nice change. At least, it was at first. I started to wonder if they had given up on me. Charlie didn't come to visit often anymore. I knew he thought I would never return. Didn't he see that I couldn't? This was better, for both of us. I was too damaged to be fixed. It was better to stay in my safe world. I could just be here, and he wouldn't have to worry about me anymore.

Esme was visiting me today. I liked it when she came because I could feel her hands in my hair and brushing my face. It was comforting.

"It's nice to see you Bella. Jasper and Alice have been telling me all about their visits but I wanted to see you in person. Don't worry though, Jasper will be here later today. He looks forward to reading to you, you know." I wondered how anyone could enjoy the company of someone who didn't respond but wasn't about to question it.

"I brought you something dear. It's a CD that Edward made for you." I cringed inwardly at hearing his name. "I'll just turn it on for you. I can't stay long today. I just came by to drop this off for you. I will see you again soon though." I felt her kiss my forehead before walking over to what I assumed was a stereo. Soon the room was filled with music. I sighed. I had missed music in my world. For a few minutes I just let the music wash over me, enjoying the sensation. Then I started to pay attention to the words.

_Will you think that you're all alone when no one's there to hold your hand?_

_And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary rest your head…_

_I'm permanent. _

I repeated those words in my mind over and over again. I heard the song restart so I knew that Esme must have left it on repeat. Edward had chosen this for me? I didn't understand, couldn't understand. Was he telling me that was how he felt? That he would be there for me? How could that be possible? He knew what had happened to me. He knew better than the others, since he had found me in that alley. I shook myself away from the memory. I never thought about that night. Never remembered what had brought me to this river in the first place. Better not to think about it.

The music swirled around me, wrapping me in warmth. I wouldn't question the message. Not today. I would just enjoy the sound. I had missed this.

************************************************************************

**JPOV**

I knew something was different when I walked into Bella's room. Normally, I could only feel the void from her when I arrived. It would take a few minutes for her to register my presence and come around. I could hear the song Edward had chosen for her playing in the background. Esme had brought the CD by a few hours previously. Bella's emotions were different. She was feeling comfort. And … happy? Hm. It seemed that the music was having the affect Edward wanted it to.

I pulled my chair up to her bedside and let her know I was there.

"Hello, Bella. How are you feeling today?" I felt anticipation in her and let out a low chuckle. I knew she liked it when I read to her but I had never felt this from her. Probably because she usually surfaced after I had started reading. "You look a little better. I thought today I would talk to you about what is going on out here. You don't mind, do you?" I asked, not expecting a response and not receiving one. "My brother Emmett still wants to visit you. He is convinced he can make you smile. I wouldn't doubt him usually. We spend a large part of our time laughing at his antics. He's really like an overgrown child. But we love him. I told him maybe in a while he could visit. Alice would have come with me but she's shopping. Apparently you need new pajamas… again." I couldn't help but laugh. Alice would be Alice. "She wants you to be comfortable and feel taken care of. For Alice, that means shopping." I took a breath, ready to finally mention her waking up again. It had been a few weeks since Alice's revelation. I didn't want to push Bella too fast and cause her to withdraw further. I could feel Bella was still listening, no signs of pulling back yet.

"Bella, it's been over six months now that you've been away…"

**BPOV**

"Bella, it's been over six months now that you've been away…"

I could hear the hesitation in Jasper's soft voice. I was surprised he brought this up. He never talks about me waking up. I hadn't known it had been so long. Six months. It was hard to think about. In some ways, it was only an instant ago that I closed my eyes and came to my river. In others, it was as if I had always been here and the world I came from was just a terrible nightmare I was fortunate to escape.

"Have you thought about coming back to us? I know it's hard, and scary. But people here love you. Charlie misses you. He calls every day, sometimes more than once, to check on you. Renee has been here twice. She flew in from Florida to see you Bella. Phil came too, though only the first time. He had away games the second. They both speak to Carlisle often as well. Alice really wants to see your eyes open. And Edward… he misses you. Esme and Carlisle too. I've been hoping to see your eyes myself. Edward swears they are brown but I'm starting to wonder. Plus, I would love to hear your take on the stories I've been reading you. Hopefully I haven't been boring you at all."

I felt a surge of longing as Jasper said the names of his family and mine. As safe as I felt, it was also lonely here. Sometimes I thought about leaving my peaceful river. But the thought scared me so much…

**JPOV**

I felt her longing and loneliness. It made me so sad to think of her locked away and feeling lonely. I was determined to bring her back. She was scared now… I decided to change the subject.

"There's another song on this CD Edward made you. Do you mind if I switch to the next one? He misses you so much and thought you might like the music." I got up and flipped to the next track on the CD. There were only two songs on it, so I would make sure to set the entire CD on repeat when I left for the day.

I walked back to the bed and could feel she was still lonely. I decided to try something. "Bella, would it be ok if I held your hand?" I knew she wouldn't respond, but I also knew asking her permission to touch her was important. I felt slight apprehension in her, then just the loneliness. I reached out slowly and took her hand in mine. I tensed for a moment, hoping my touch wouldn't elicit screams in her. She felt afraid for a few minutes and I refrained from using my gift to calm her. She needed to feel the fear, and deal with it, if possible, but then it faded, to be replaced by comfort. I smiled and felt alive with relief. Progress. I didn't say anything for a while. I wanted her to hear what Edward was trying so desperately to tell her.

**BPOV**

I was shocked. Jasper had asked my permission to touch me. I was so afraid at first, but his hand felt nice in mine. It kept my loneliness at bay, somehow. It was nice. He was quiet, just holding my hand, so I let my mind drift to the new song that was playing.

_Who can you really trust?_

_Who do you really know?_

_Is there anybody out there,_

_Who can make you feel less alone?_

_Sometimes you just can't make it on your own._

How had Edward chosen a song so perfectly? I was starting to wonder if I could stay here. The peace I had found didn't seem to be enough anymore. But could I really return to the world where nothing was safe? Would I have to face what had happened to me?

_If you have broken dreams,_

_Just lay them all on me._

_I'll be the one who understands._

_So take my hand._

_I promise you you'll never walk alone._

Could I do this? Was I strong enough? I wasn't sure. I focused on Jasper's hand and Edward's message to me. His promise to me.

**JPOV**

I could feel it. I could feel her struggling to choose. I fought my rising excitement and tried to focus completely on what she was feeling. I knew that I could use my gift to push her a little further to wake up but then she would be in danger of slipping back. No, this had to be her choice. I felt Alice and Carlisle slip into the room, their eyes wide and searching mine. I beseeched them silently to not say anything, to not break the moment. The only sound in the room was Bella's heartbeat and the music. Edward's message to her.

**BPOV**

Could I do this? Did I want to? No. Not really. But the ache of being lonely was starting to be a price I didn't want to pay any longer. I felt like I was being pulled in two different directions. Part of my mind was screaming at me to surface, to float on my river of peace forever. But Jasper's hand in mine was acting as an anchor against that, a weight, keeping me exactly where I was, locked in the black. He was suddenly a tie to the real world, one I wasn't sure I wanted. Was I ready? Of course not. I would never be ready. I was so scared. A huge part of me was desperate to reach the surface of my river and escape the black once more. I struggled; I fought; I tried desperately to let go of Jasper. I couldn't seem to make myself do it though. There was too much division in me. There wasn't a sound in the room except for the music. Edward's promise. It was the first time I thought of him without cringing. Maybe he didn't think I was disgusting after what happened. If he was still sending me messages after six months… maybe he wouldn't hate me. Maybe he would want to look at me again. If he could see me for anything other than the damaged shell of what I once was, that is. I was hyper aware of the song that still swirled around me, set to repeat. And, of course, there was Jasper holding my hand, tethering me to a reality I wasn't sure I would ever be ready for.

NO! I'M NOT READY! I started to panic. I wanted to wrench my hand from Jasper's grasp, release myself from this tie, but of course, I couldn't get away. I couldn't move my hand. He was holding me to a reality I didn't want. Would never want. The panic was building in me and I couldn't release it. I started to whimper in my mind.

I couldn't do this.

I wasn't ready.

What if I was left alone?

I can't face what happened. I just can't!

Please don't make me do this…

I can't breathe!

I'm going to suffocate!

Help me! Please!

I can't…

I won't…

Oh God…

Please no…

Not now…

Not this…

Not ready…

Jasper's hand became much more solid in mine. I could feel how cool it was, not a surprise, given what he was. He was squeezing my hand. Was he trying to comfort me? Did he somehow know how scared I was at that moment? I could feel my body becoming more solid around me and I tried to fight it, tried to rise back to my river, but there was no stopping it now that it had started. I felt myself settle more firmly into my own body and knew that the river was no longer an option. It was time.

I could feel Jasper sitting next to me, his hand still in mine. I could hear the song that contained Edward's promises playing in the background, with the beeping of hospital machines keeping it company, creating some sort of strange symphony. I couldn't fight it any longer.

I opened my eyes.


	7. Awakening

**A/N - First, this chapter is shorter than planned. RL has majorly kicked my ass in the past week and I'm struggling to deal with it all. But I wanted to get this posted. **

**Second, I decided to post this without running it past my beta, so hopefully there aren't any glaring errors. I won't be able to post for a while so I wanted to go ahead and get this up for all of you lovely readers.**

**Third, I have the most amazing reviewers ever. Like I said, this past week has been awful but seeing the wonderful things all of you have had to say has made me so happy. The response to the last chapter humbled and amazed me. Shout out to SabLuvsLogan and riskyshapes. You two rock my world. Also, there are about five others who have faithfully reviewed every chapter. You are amazing as well!**

**Finally, (I know, longest AN ever for me!) it's award season in Twilight Fic land. I've nominated my favorites, and I hope you do too! The Bellies and the Indy Awards are accepting nominations right now. There are a lot of unsung authors on here so please, show some love to the newbies and nominate for the Indies! Links to both on my profile! **

**On with the story…**

Characters are property of Stephenie Meyer.

**APOV**

For once Edward had left the dreary waiting room and had gone hunting with Emmett, Rosalie and Esme. Not that he didn't have to be forced out by Emmett, but still, at least he was gone. He needed to be away from here for a while. I knew he was trying to be positive, but his resolve was getting weaker by the day. I sat in the waiting room, waiting for Jazz to finish his visit with Bella. I knew he thought he was making progress with her but my visions hadn't changed at all. By visiting her and never mentioning her coming back, were we enabling her to stay locked away? I was starting to wonder. The vision filled my mind slowly.

Jasper, sitting next to Bella in her hospital room wearing the clothes I had chosen for him today. He was holding her hand. Her eyes were open and she turned her head to look at him. I ran for Carlisle's office.

**CPOV**

Over six months, and still there was no change in Bella. Was I missing something vital? Had she had some sort of injury that was preventing her from waking up? Edward couldn't hold out much longer. Seeing the girl he loved so much through all of our memories was wearing on him. But she couldn't handle hearing his voice, though I had no idea why. I closed the textbook in front of me and closed my eyes, trying to find some sort of solution we had overlooked. I found myself remembering last night.

I had gone home under the guise of sleep. In reality, the books I had ordered with the hope of finding some sort of insight into Bella's condition had arrived and I had planned to spend the night reviewing them, hoping to find something new. My plans changed, however, when I saw Esme in our room…

_She was sitting on the bed in our room. The room that I loved so much. To some, it wouldn't look like much. The walls were a neutral sand color but the bedding and furniture were a warm brown that seemed to glow. The pillows and rugs were accented in a deep maroon and navy blue, giving the entire room a comforting, peaceful feel. My Esme, the love of my entire existence, my world, had decorated this room for us. And it was here, in this room that had seen so much love between the two of us, that she came to grieve. _

_Her very posture emphasized the depth of her pain. Her shoulders were hunched over as she sat on the side of the bed, her feet resting lightly on the floor. Her hair, for once not gracefully done, swept around her in disarray, as though she had run her hands through it one time too many. She was holding a framed picture, her hands tracing the faces captured forever. My perfect vampire recall reminded me of the moment it had been taken. It was when we had moved into this house (this most recent time) and Esme had insisted on a family picture out in front. It was a beautiful and perfect day for us, overcast but not raining, so we all posed outside, wanting to humor the woman who was the very heart of our family. She stared at the picture, seeing the faces of her children. _

_Rosalie, being held in Emmett's arms, laughing and pretending to hit him in order to be released. Though we all knew she loved it. Emmett, his face alive and full of laughter and love as he looked into the camera._

_Alice, her hand extended over her head by Jasper, twirling her in their own dance. They have always moved to a music only they heard. Jasper had eyes only for his Alice, the love that had saved him. As he stared at her, his face was full of wonder and awe. I believe he still has days where he questions what he had done to deserve the love she freely gave him. Though they were not outwardly as affectionate as Emmett and Rosalie, their love had an intensity that was displayed even when they were across the room from one another. _

_Esme and myself, my arms around her waist and my chin resting on her shoulder. My favorite place to be was anywhere I could be holding her. It filled me with a peace and joy that time could not erase and circumstances could not overwhelm. She is my sanctuary, my safe harbor, my resting place, my anchor._

_And Edward… standing slightly away from the rest of us, looking a little lost. Separate from us, yet still a part of the whole. The picture seemed somehow incomplete. As if the person who should be standing next to Edward, causing his eyes to light from within, was missing. I could almost see her standing next to him, and the changes in his expression. It was only a dream though, for I was quite sure I had never seen the look on his face I found myself imagining. _

_I knew it was Edward's face she lingered on. I went to her side and kneeled down, taking her hands in mine. Her face was filled with anguish, and I wanted nothing more than to reach my hand up and wipe the worry from her eyes, to fill them with the laughter and joy that usually resided there. I looked into her eyes, and waited._

"_He was so close, Carlisle," her words came as a broken whisper, soft, even to my ears. "He would have loved her so much. They could have been so happy." Esme shook with the force of her emotions. Edward truly held a special place in her heart, as he was the first of her adopted children. Her first son in this life. The fact that she used the past tense when talking of Bella and Edward's happiness did not escape me._

"_He still can. I will do anything I can to bring Bella back to Edward," I tried to reassure her. I knew that the doubt in my voice couldn't help but leak through. I tried to be strong for her, and failed. One of her hands left mine and reached up to tangle in my hair and trail down the side of my face, resting on my cheek. I moved into her touch, resting in the simple comfort she offered._

"_What if she's no longer whole? What if she never recovers from this? I've never spoken to Bella when she's awake, and the only image I have of her is of a girl, little more than a child, that is wasting away in a hospital bed. And all I can think is that, as she wastes away, so does the heart of our son. What will be left of him when she's gone?" I heard the pain cascading through her words, but I had no comfort for her. Bella had chosen this for herself, and nothing we could do could bring her around before she was ready. I felt as though I had failed her. Worse, I had failed my son. _

_As the sun set around us, bringing the colors in the room to life and making them dance in the ending of another day, I knelt in the arms of my beloved, and prayed for hope._

I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn't hear the approaching footsteps until my office door burst open, bringing Alice into my line of sight.

"Carlisle, we have to go to Bella! She's going to wake up!" Alice shouted at me, and grabbed my hand. I followed her, numb with shock.

**JPOV**

Bella's emotions crushed me. They fluctuated from one to the next so fast I could hardly keep up. Underlying it all was panic, and it was building. I struggled with my own emotions, trying not to let Bella's panic flood the room as it was filling me. Alice and Carlisle stood as silent witnesses to my struggle to keep it under control. I was grateful for their presence and their silence. I could feel the moment coming, and I didn't want Bella to get distracted. Her emotions intensified ten fold for a moment, then faded. I thought she had slipped away again and I looked at her face. Her eyes fluttered once, and then opened. If my heart could beat it would have been bursting out of my chest.

"Bella?" I asked her in a soft voice. Her hand tightened around mine and she turned her eyes to me at her side for the first time. I saw Carlisle and Alice slip from the room again, not wanting to overwhelm Bella in her first minutes awake. I knew they were right outside the door listening.

"Jasper?" Bella's voice was raspy and cracked from disuse. She crinkled her nose at the unfamiliar sensation. I looked at her, and just waited.

**BPOV**

The lights were too bright. It was hurting my eyes to look at it. I reached a hand up to cover them and I felt Jasper's hand leave mine. I missed it. He must have understood because the lights clicked off. The relief was immediate and I returned my hand to my side. I looked back to Jasper, who was coming back to his seat at my bedside. He didn't take my hand again and I frowned. He brought me back to this reality, and I needed his hand dammit! I simply stared at his face, not wanting to use my voice again, and glared at him, waiting. My hand lay open and expectant near him. He smiled and took my hand again.

As much as I didn't want to be touched, Jasper seemed to be an exception. He had been there for me, and I trusted him. Had he wanted to hurt me, he could have long before this. His hand felt good in mine. I could feel his strength, and it seemed to seep into me.

Neither of us spoke for a long minute. Jasper's golden eyes searched my face, looking for something. Finally he nodded.

"Bella, Carlisle and Alice are outside the door. Would it be ok if they came in now?" he asked, in a soft voice. I thought about it for a moment.

"Will you stay with me?" I asked softly, not wanting to hear the scratchy nature of my own voice. My question made Jasper smile.

"Of course, I'll stay with you as long as you want me to." He gripped my hand a little tighter then, letting me know he was there.

"Carlisle? Alice? You can come in now," he called. The door opened immediately. They must have been right outside the door, waiting. Carlisle's eyes were guarded, as though he wasn't sure he was believing his own eyes. Alice, on the other hand, had eyes that were glowing with excitement and happiness. Carlisle approached me first and I shrank back from him. I didn't want to be touched. He raised both of his hands up in a sign of surrender.

"I'm not going to touch you, Bella. I just want to see how you are, alright?" I nodded. I couldn't help the fact that I started shaking as he approached me slowly. He shone a small light in my eyes quickly. I wanted to look away. I knew what he must see when he looked at me. I forced myself to stay looking straight ahead, unblinking. I could do this.

"Bella, I'd like to get an MRI if that's ok with you," Carlisle said kindly. Great, now he was pitying me. I shrugged, not caring what happened, so long as no one touched me. Carlisle rang for a nurse and explained what he would like once she entered. I looked at Jasper and he smiled at me reassuringly.

"I'll be here waiting for you. Don't worry," he whispered so low that only I could hear him. I squeezed his hand again and let go, as I was wheeled away.

**JPOV**

I had thought that, once she woke up, Bella would be less fragile than before. In truth, she seemed more so. Her eyes were so frightened. She still seemed so lost. Though I had years of training as a psychologist and psychiatrist, I still somehow hoped that she would wake up and be Bella once more. I really should have known better. I turned my head to find both Carlisle and Alice staring at me, something akin to wonder in their faces.

"What?" I asked, their stares making me uneasy.

Alice spoke first. "You brought her back, Jazzy." I could feel her pride in me rolling off of her. I smiled, but shook my head.

"Bella came back because, though she may doubt it now, she really is ready," I said, confidence I didn't really feel strong in my voice. Thankfully Edward wasn't here to read through my white lie.

_Edward…_

We needed to call him. NOW.

**EPOV**

I had allowed myself to be dragged away from the hospital and my Bella because I knew it had been far too long since I last hunted. Going on three weeks. Being in the hospital was doing wonders for desensitizing me to blood but I would be a danger if I didn't feed soon. I knew it, and that's how I found myself on a hunting trip with Emmett, Rosalie and Esme. I had to admit, it was nice to spend time with them. These past months I haven't been around the house much, preferring to stand watch over Bella. At least as close as I could be anyway.

I had already finished two deer and was watching Emmett sulk. He was upset I hadn't wanted to go far from home to hunt. I didn't want to be far from Bella in case… well in case anything. As I was thinking about her, I felt my phone start to vibrate.

_Jasper_.

"Jasper? Is Bella ok?" I heard the panic creeping up in my voice. I knew Jasper had been planning on spending the evening with Bella.

"She's fine Edward. Better than that, actually. She's awake." I couldn't help it. I fell to my knees and dropped the phone. The startled questions from Esme, Rosalie and Emmett barely penetrated through my mind. _She's awake._ I felt Esme kneel next to me and take the phone. She listened for a few moments, and then assured Jasper that we were on our way.

I felt the cool hands of my mother on my face, and she lifted gently so that my butterscotch eyes met hers. I nodded, and we all headed for the hospital.

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**Please review! They really do make my day.**


	8. Introductions

**A/N - Apparently writing is cathartic. Thank you to those of you who took the time to leave encouraging reviews. It's helped. RL is still incredibly difficult but I found I need the escape writing this provides so you might actually get updates faster...**

**Thank you to my wonderful Beta for listening to me ramble and reading through this long chapter for me!**

**I'm awful at responding to reviews but please know I cherish every one! I've decided I have my very own Review Crew of amazing reviewers who review, if not every chapter, then almost all of them. Or they wrote a few reviews that rocked my world. They make my day (as do all reviews!). So here they are : riskyshapes, SabLuvsLogan, comekitty, starshine24, BFFofCrazyShopohilicPixieAlice, Bananna18, Kitasky123, psykojinx, TriGemini, shellymarie, bradt4life, mcgt, Dist12, xh8-the-famx, Naughty Jane, Livia09, and LittleMrsAdams. Thank you for the time you put in to reviewing Broken. I literally go back and read reviews when I get stuck so you help me through writer's block!**

**Oh, and I totally have to acknowledge jueguini, for being my 100th review on this story!**

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Characters are all property of Stephenie Meyer, of course!

**EPOV**

If my heart could beat it would be pounding. I was standing outside of Bella's hospital door and, for the first time in months, I would be able to see her face with my own eyes. Esme placed her hand on my shoulder. I was very nearly shaking as my hand reached out and turned the doorknob. The door swung open, revealing the dimly lit room that was already occupied by three other vampires. Carlisle, Jasper and Alice were gathered around Bella's bed, though she appeared to be shrinking away from Carlisle. She didn't seem to mind having Jasper close as he was holding her hand and I fought the jealousy rising in me. Esme followed behind me. Emmett and Rosalie had had to stop by the house because Emmett said he bought Bella a present. He was carefully blocking his thoughts from me so I had no idea what he had gotten her. I could only hope Rosalie wouldn't let him get anything too inappropriate. Esme urged me forward but I let her pass, not knowing the kind of reception I would receive.

**BPOV**

I was overwhelmed at the sheer number of people in my room. I think Jasper could tell because he squeezed my hand, letting me know he was still there. I took the comfort he offered gratefully. Edward and a woman I took to be Esme had arrived. I was sad but thankful that Edward hung back, choosing to stay near the door. As it was there were too many men in the room. I was starting to get a little scared. Esme came forward and walked to my side. Before I understood her intent, she had sat down at my side and taken me into her arms. It was a little awkward for a moment, as I still held on to Jasper's hand, but I found myself comforted. I let go of Jasper and wrapped my arms around Esme. She was cool, and hard, but she still felt like a mother somehow. While I was … away … she had comforted me so much by being there. I couldn't stop the tears that started to fall as she held me. She slowly started to rock me back and forth. I felt like a small child in her arms as I sobbed. She rubbed my back soothingly and just held me as I cried. No one said anything to interrupt the moment. I rested in her arms, my tears slowing, until I heard the door to my room open once more. The room already seemed to be full to capacity, with Carlisle looking over my chart, Jasper at my side, Esme on my bed with me, and Alice near the foot of my bed. Edward still stood near the door and had to move when it started to open. I looked over to see Rosalie and Emmett. At once I was afraid Emmett would try to come near me but he didn't even try to enter the room. He smiled at me from the hallway and waved through the open door. His smile was infectious and I couldn't help but smile back, grateful that he kept his distance. Carlisle looked at Emmett, then me, and replaced my chart in it's hanger before moving away from me to stand near Edward. I was moved that he understood.

"Thank you, Carlisle," I said, and he smiled at me.

I looked at Rosalie, who was hesitating as she looked around the room. She looked nervous, which couldn't be right. She was so beautiful; I knew I must look like a rat in comparison. Given that I hadn't been out of this bed in more than six months I knew I couldn't possibly look good. I smiled tentatively at Rosalie, trying to let her know that it was ok. She came towards me and I was startled to see her eyes shimmering, as though she wanted to cry. That wasn't something I expected to see from her.

"Hello Bella. I'm Rosalie. We were never introduced at school. The big lug in the hallway is my boyfriend, Emmett. He thought you might be more comfortable with him out there," she said gently. I was touched by their thoughtfulness. Her hands were behind her back in a strange position. "Emmett bought you this," she said, bringing her hands around the front. Everyone in the room started to laugh. In her arms was the most ridiculous looking stuffed pig I had ever seen. It was light pink, and looked extremely soft, but it had the goofiest expression on it's face. It almost looked like a pig in love, with it's eyes looking up and long lashes. Plus, it was large. I mean, really large, probably the size of my pillows at home. I loved it, to my surprise, and held my hands out for it. Esme moved off of my bed so I could examine my new friend. I wasn't able to stop myself from hugging it, and it was even softer than it looked. This brought an even bigger smile from Emmett, who motioned something to Rosalie. She rolled her eyes.

"I'm supposed to tell you from Emmett, that the pig needs a name. He said he bought it for you specifically because it's 'snuggle sized' and he thought you could use a friend to hold on to." I looked at my new gift, and fought the tears. Who were these people? None of them knew me, not really anyway, but they were all being so nice! I struggled to pull myself together. Now was not the time to fall apart.

"Thank you," I whispered, hoping he could hear me. From the look on his face he did. He looked like he understood, somehow. I wondered how that could be, but I was distracted from that line of thinking by Edward standing up. He had been leaning against the far wall, near the door. I blushed as he started to walk over to me and fidgeted with my pig. There was a soft look in his eyes that I couldn't quite name.

"Bella?" Edward's voice was so beautiful.

One word, and that was all it took. I felt like I was back on the pavement, broken and bleeding. Beaten. My whole body started to shake and I closed my eyes. I felt my head shaking in denial and I began to rock back and forth. My breaths became short and close together. I was hyperventilating and couldn't seem to stop myself. Screams that were threatening to rip from my throat and I was losing the battle to keep them at bay. I didn't want to start screaming in front of these people. I felt a familiar hand slip into mine. Jasper. Having his hand in mine had a soothing effect, giving me something tangible to focus on, tying me to this reality and loosening the hold the memories had on me. I felt myself begin to calm down.

After a few minutes I opened my eyes to see Jasper looking at me with concern. I tried to smile at him but the panic of the past few minutes had left me exhausted. After being more or less asleep for six months you would think I would have more energy, but I felt completely drained. I knew I would never relax with so many people in the room though. I looked around to find everyone staring at me save Esme and Edward. Edward looked … crushed. I knew he didn't understand why hearing his voice scared me so much and I didn't know how to explain it to him. Esme was trying to comfort him.

"I'm sorry…" I whispered. I knew it wasn't much, but it was all I had to offer him. He looked at Jasper, as if he was listening to something, and then walked over to my CD player and pressed a button.

The familiar strains of one of the songs he had chosen for me filled the room.

_I'm permanent. _

I looked at Edward. He was smiling at me, though it didn't quite reach his eyes and his mouth was still tight with sadness. I nodded, and I knew he understood.

"Bella?" Carlisle's voice cut through the moment Edward and I were having. I turned to look at him. He was still standing near the door, giving me plenty of space. "Charlie will be here soon. The others are going to leave now to allow you to get some rest."

I couldn't help it; I didn't want to be alone. I clutched Jasper's hand and my pig. I stared into the lifeless eyes of my pig and thought about what I would do if I were left alone. Jasper squeezed my hand and said, "I'll stay if you want me to." I knew it was selfish of me but I nodded. I couldn't be alone with Charlie. Yes, he was my father, but I just couldn't do it. Even the thought scared me.

"Bella, would you like me to stay as well?" Esme asked me kindly. I nodded again, unable to look at anyone. I felt so weak, and I hated it. Everyone else slipped from the room quietly, probably afraid of upsetting me again. I fidgeted with my pig, trying to think of a name for him. When it came to me, it made no sense. Bentley. My pig's name was Bentley. No reason why really, it was just his name. Nice to meet you, Bentley, I thought to him silently. He stared up at me with his unblinking eyes.

"Try to rest now, Bella," Jasper said quietly. "We will still be here when you wake up." I couldn't help the pull of sleep and blissful oblivion. I closed my eyes and slept.

**JPOV**

Bella's breathing evened out into the rhythm of normal sleep soon after she closed her eyes. Her grip on my hand relaxed only slightly. Even in slumber, she needed comfort. I was amazed she was letting me touch her. Especially given how she reacted to Carlisle, Edward and Emmett.

"She really trusts you, Jasper," whispered Esme, trying not to disturb Bella. I could feel her pride in me intermingled with her sorrow for Bella. "She's so crushed. How can we ever help her to recover from something like this?" I looked away from the sleeping girl and to the face of the woman who was as close to a mother to me than I ever could have asked for.

"I'm not sure. That's the difficult part of things like this. We can try to be there for her, and guide her gently, but she has to do the work herself. It's something Edward is really going to struggle with. Alice too, now that I think about it. They can't throw money at this and make it better. She has to want it, and work for it. No one can do this for her. And it won't be easy, or fast." My years of training as a therapist had taught me that the human mind is amazingly resilient, as well as frighteningly fragile. It would be like walking a tightrope to help Bella. I was worried I would make things worse. "Esme, what if I hurt her?" I looked again to Bella, so tiny in her hospital bed. She had a tight grip on that silly pig Emmett got her. "What if I'm not what she needs?" I was trying to be strong, be confident, be what everyone needed but I couldn't help but be concerned. I had never worked in close contact with a human before, especially with one so damaged.

"I honestly don't believe you will hurt her Jasper. Just the fact that you are so concerned about the possibility shows the care with which you will treat her. And she trusts you, more than anyone else right now. You are what she needs." Esme's confidence in me humbled me, and I was grateful for it. Edward and Alice had done so much for me, I wanted to be able to do this for them. And I wanted to do it for Bella. I wanted to help bring her back. It wouldn't make up for all the lives I had taken, but perhaps I could begin to atone by guiding the fragile human in front of me. I could be strong for all of them. For once I wasn't the one that needed the help. I was proud that my family was willing to count on me in this. I wouldn't let them down. I wouldn't let her down.

A soft knock at the door interrupted my thoughts. Charlie. Esme walked over to let him in, not wanting to wake Bella. She shifted in her sleep, her hand slipping from mine and the pig falling to the floor. I picked it up and put it in the chair with me. His face was a mix of hope and fear. The emotions were pouring off of him in torrents: relief, love, hope, sadness, despair, fear. It was hard to separate and understand them. Esme saw my struggle and took it upon herself to talk to Charlie, whose eyes never left the sleeping form of his daughter.

"I thought… is she…" he seemed incapable of finishing a sentence. Esme took pity on him.

"She's sleeping now, but yes, she woke up. This is a natural sleep, Charlie." Charlie's legs appeared unable to support him as he dropped into a chair near the door, his head falling into his hands.

"I never thought she would wake up." His voice shook and I could smell the tears that were starting to fall. Esme went over and crouched in front of him.

"Charlie? Why don't we go and find Carlisle. I'm sure you have some questions for him. Bella should rest for now but I'm sure she would like to see you once she wakes again." Her voice exuded calm and Charlie nodded and stood to follow her from the room, looking back once more at his daughter. I felt a rush of protective love from him as he left to follow my mother.

It was Saturday, so I didn't have to worry about school tomorrow. It had been difficult to drag Edward away from the hospital five days a week but part of being a Cullen was maintaining appearances. I shuddered to think how much more difficult it would be now. It was September, and school had just started for Alice and Edward. Rosalie, Emmett and I had "graduated" the year before. I couldn't see Bella returning anytime soon so Edward would just have to deal. Our current cover story was that Rosalie and Emmett were away at Yale (but home this weekend) and I was waiting for Alice to graduate so we could go to school together.

I found myself wondering what would happen to Bella now. Of course, having been in bed for so long, physical therapy would be a must. I wasn't sure if she would be able to walk at all. That was more Carlisle's area than mine. I knew he was probably discussing it with Charlie. As my mind wandered over the possibilities, Bella started to whimper in her sleep.

Nightmares. I could feel her fear. I wasn't sure how to respond. I knew it would be a bad idea to touch her right now. And I wasn't sure how she would react to the sound of a male voice. Quickly, I moved over to the CD player and turned on the second song Edward had chosen for her. It was a female singer, so I hoped it would help. I set the track to repeat and moved away from her bed, in case she could sense my presence in her sleep. I leaned against the door frame to wait.

It took a few minutes but eventually she began to calm and relax once again into sleep. I let out a breath I hadn't known I had been holding and I left the CD on, hoping it would keep the nightmares away. Not sure if she was ready to have me nearby, I moved a chair close to the door and sat to wait.

**CPOV**

I could hear Esme and Charlie approaching my office and I tried to steel myself for what was sure to be an emotional conversation. I heard Esme's soft knock on the door.

"Come in."

Poor Charlie looked a mess. I didn't need Jasper's gift to see that he was heartbroken and afraid. I thought I might understand why.

"Charlie, it's good to see you," I said, as I moved around the desk to shake his hand. "Why don't you sit down?" Charlie nodded and nearly collapsed into the chair I offered, the weight of the situation heavy on his shoulders.

"Dr. Cullen," he began in a low voice that ached with pain. "I'm so thankful for all you and your family have done for Bella…"

"Carlisle, please Charlie. And we have been happy to be there for both Bella and you." I tried to reassure him. Centuries of working with people have honed my bedside manner in difficult times. I waited for Charlie to continue.

"What … what do I do now? I don't know how to help her through this. I'm not good with emotions and I don't want to hurt her," Charlie said, staring at his hands. They were resting in his lap, though never still, as if he needed to keep moving, to keep some sort of control over the situation. Ok, he's not good with emotions, so probably the facts about Bella's condition would be best now.

"There are a few things to consider now. First, her physical condition. She's healed from the physical aspects of the attack but Bella's been prone for more than six months now. We've had a physical therapist, female of course, working with her to try and maintain some muscle tone, but she will still be exceptionally weak. I'd like to keep her here in the hospital for a few more days, so that we can determine the extent of the muscle loss and get started with trying to rebuild her strength. I want to get her on a high protein diet as well. She's lost some weight that she really didn't have to lose. It will be a while before she's able to walk without some sort of assistance, to be honest," I tried to keep my voice neutral and calm for Charlie, hoping to help him assimilate the information better.

"Will she be in a wheelchair?" he asked.

I nodded. "For the time being, it will be her only option. With physical therapy, the first things we will work on will be strength in her arms. She will need that to be able to transfer herself from the bed to the wheelchair or to use the bathroom. Once she is able to do that, we will work on walking. Her physical therapist will choose some exercises for her to work on at home and you will more than likely need to help her with them. She won't be able to be alone for quite a while."

Charlie sighed. "Carlisle," he began, hesitation in his voice. "I'm not sure I can do this. First, our home is not wheelchair accessible. Bella's room and the only bathroom are upstairs. I'm at work all day and I can't afford to hire someone to be with her. I'm not sure what to do or how to take care of her now." I could hear the tears starting to build in Charlie's voice as I searched for a solution.

"She could be placed in a rehabilitation hospital, but the closest one is in Seattle," I began, already knowing this would not be the best option for Bella. "However, I would recommend against it due to Bella's mental condition. She needs to be in a familiar place. Given the circumstances, I will see if Bella can continue to be an inpatient here. That way she will have round the clock care as well as all the therapy she needs, both physical and mental." I hesitated, not sure how to broach the next subject. "Charlie, you should know that Bella is uncomfortable in the presence of men. You shouldn't try to touch her or get too close to her unless she asks you to. I know that will probably be difficult, but it isn't uncommon for rape victims to feel this way. We will have a counselor come in to talk to Bella every day, and it will be important that she isn't pushed by others to talk about the assault."

Charlie's relief was palpable. "Thank you, I understand."

I smiled at him. "No thanks are necessary. My family has become very attached to Bella and we want nothing but the best for her. Shall we see if she's awake?" Without waiting for a response, I led the way back to Bella's room, Charlie and Esme following in my wake.

**BPOV**

I wasn't sure how long I had been sleeping but my room was dark when I opened my eyes. The only light was the glow of the monitors and the dull gray light of a rainy Forks day that peeked through the cracks in the curtains. The monitors were beeping, as well as the IV pump. I grimaced, trying not to think about the IV. Ugh. I looked around the room to see someone sitting in the shadows. For a moment, my heart leapt in fear. Then the shadow moved and spoke.

"Ssh, Bella, it's ok. It's only me." Jasper. I felt my heart rate returning to normal.

"Can you turn the lights on please?" I asked. I was finding that I didn't like the dark. Anything could be lurking. Jasper stood and flicked the switch, flooding the room with light. I blinked a few times, trying to get my eyes to adjust. It was then that I noticed my arms were empty. "Where's Bentley?"

"Bentley?" Jasper looked confused. I blushed.

"Bentley, my pig." Stupid pig name. But I couldn't help it. That was his name. Jasper looked amused before handing me my pig, which had been sitting on a chair by the bed.

"You dropped Bentley in your sleep. I put him here for you," Jasper said, trying not to laugh as he said the pig's name. His eyes sparkled with amusement.

"It's ok, you can laugh. I know it's a dumb name." I sighed. All Jasper apparently needed was permission before he started to laugh. His amusement was contagious, and I found myself wanting to laugh along with him. But I wasn't sure I remembered how so I just smiled at him. The first real smile since … before. The thought drained the amusement from my face and my smile faded. "How long was I asleep?" I asked, wanting to know if Charlie had come by yet.

"Not long, you should probably try to sleep more. About an hour," Jasper replied, concern quickly replacing amusement.

"It's ok. I don't want to sleep," I responded, looking down at Bentley. My hands couldn't keep still as I played with the soft animal. "Is Charlie here?" I asked, not taking my eyes off of Bentley. I wasn't sure if I was ready to face my father.

"Yes, he's here. He came in while you were sleeping. Esme took him to find Carlisle but they should be back shortly," I nodded my understanding but didn't look up. "Bella, would you like me to leave and give you some time with Charlie?" That got my attention.

"Please don't. I'm not ready to face him alone. Please stay with me," I knew I sounded pathetic and weak, but I wasn't ready for Jasper to leave me yet. I trusted him, though I wasn't able to understand why. Maybe because he spent so many hours just reading to me, not expecting anything else of me while I was away. Or because he held my hand and his touch didn't make me afraid. No matter the reason, I needed Jasper. I heard him sigh as he sat down next to me in the chair previously occupied by Bentley.

"Bella, look at me," I turned to look into his golden eyes. "It's ok. I'll stay as long as you need me." I believed him and felt immediate relief.

The relief, however, was short-lived as I heard footsteps approaching in the hall. I felt myself tense as my door opened, revealing Carlisle, followed by Esme and Charlie. Esme came straight over to me and stood next to my bed. She paused for a moment, looking at me, and then stroked my hair. It had the same soothing effect as while I was away and I appreciated her touch. Carlisle and Charlie stayed near the door, taking care not to come too close. Carlisle must have warned my father. I felt my face burn in embarrassment. What kind of daughter couldn't stand to have her father come within 10 feet of her? I felt guilty. I looked away, at anything except the people in the room with me. The silence in the room grew to awkward and epic proportions before Carlisle cleared his throat.

"Bella, Charlie and I were discussing the next steps while you were sleeping," he began, still keeping a respectful distance from me. I didn't bother to meet his gaze. "It's been determined that you will be staying here in the hospital for a while longer, until you can regain some of the strength in your arms and legs." I knew I should be upset at having to stay in the hospital but, truth be told, I wasn't ready to go back to Charlie's and be alone with him. I simply nodded.

"How long?" I asked, half afraid of the answer and not really knowing what I wanted it to be.

"You've probably noticed how weak you feel. That's due to your being inactive for so long. It will take time to rebuild your strength. I've set up physical therapy sessions for you twice a day, one session focusing on your legs, and the other on your arms, giving you time to rest in between. How long you stay here will be dependent on how long it takes to get you up and on your feet again." The thought of physical therapy made my skin crawl and I opened my mouth to ask my next question but Carlisle beat me to it. "I requested only female physical therapists and assistants for you, Bella. Don't worry." I looked up at his face, filled with understanding. I didn't want or need his pity. The anger that grabbed hold of me surprised me and I tried to fight it off. I looked down at my new friend, my Bentley, and tried to focus on him. Several deep breaths later, the anger left, as quickly as it had come.

"Bella?" Charlie's hesitant voice reached me and I looked up to meet his eyes. Poor Charlie. He looked like he could cry at any moment. It wasn't what I had expected and I didn't know what to say. I simply looked at him and waited. "I want you to know that I love you and I'll do my best to be here for you," he said, looking incredibly uncomfortable with the thought even as he uttered the words.

"I know, Dad. Thanks," was all I could say in return. He nodded, and looked ready to leave. Carlisle read the mood of the room and offered to walk my dad out, leaving me with Esme and Jasper. I wondered if they had other places to be, other, more important things to do.

"It's ok if you need to go too. I'll be fine," I said, not sure if I was trying to convince them or myself with my words.

Esme spoke first. "Bella, if you don't mind, I'd like to stay with you tonight. For my own peace of mind, of course. I'd feel much better if I knew you had someone with you. Is that alright?" My gratitude was overwhelming and I felt the tears welling up, though I tried to fight them back.

"I'd like that," I replied quietly, hoping she understood. She kept stroking my hair. I felt like a child again, one that needed her mother. Since I had always been the mother to Renee, I was grateful that Esme understood and could be here for me.

"Jasper, why don't you run home and pick up Alice? I know she had something she wanted to bring to Bella," Esme said. Jasper looked to me.

"Bella, is that ok? Are you up for more company? You didn't sleep for very long…" I tried to smile at him.

"It's fine, Jasper. I'd like to see Alice again." I was only half lying. I would be happy for female company, though I seemed to remember Alice being a little exhausting.

"I'll be back soon. Esme can call my cell phone if you need me any quicker, ok?" I nodded, letting him know I would be fine while he was gone and he left the room, after extracting a promise from Esme to call him if I needed anything.

I waited a few heartbeats, trying to find the words to ask the question on my mind. "Esme?"

"Yes, dear?" Her voice was gentle, and I knew I could talk to her.

"What do I do now?" I shuddered at how small and frail my voice sounded.

"What do you mean, Bella?" Esme asked, her fingers pausing in their motions.

"I mean, everything is different now. I'm different. I don't know how to act, or what to say. I can't even look at my own father. I'm ashamed of what happened and I want to hide. I don't know how to be me anymore. I don't even know who that is supposed to be…" I trailed off, unable to continue. Esme moved to sit beside me on the bed and took my hands in hers.

"Oh sweetheart. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This isn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. And your reactions are normal. I'm sure Charlie understands. He just doesn't know how to help you. He loves you so much, Bella. We all do." I could hear the weight of her convictions in her voice but didn't understand what she was trying to tell me.

"Why?" I honestly couldn't understand why they all seemed so invested in me. They barely knew me. Was I just a charity case to them?

"Well, I'll let the others tell you their reasons, but I love you because I can't help but think of you as a daughter." The sincerity rang in her voice and I couldn't bring myself to doubt her. "As for what you do now, let's just take things one day at a time, ok? Start with something small today, like helping change your pajamas." This she said with an amused smirk that I didn't understand. "Why don't you rest for a while until Jasper gets back with Alice? She's so excited that you are awake, you'll need energy for it."

"You'll stay with me?" I asked.

"I'll be right here." I settled back onto my pillow, trying to get comfortable. Darn hospital pillows are always so flat. Eventually I folded it in half and curled up on my side, clutching Bentley. I prayed for a dreamless sleep.

************************************************************************

Sleep eluded me, though I did find it restful to simply lay in silence with Bentley and Esme's hand stroking my hair. She never seemed to tire and I wasn't about to ask her to stop. Time drifted and, before too long, I could hear someone approaching my room again. Well, more than one someone from the sound of it. Poor Jasper did not sound happy. A quick knock on the door preceded Alice, who practically skipped into my room. She was carrying a pillow in her hands. Once I saw Jasper I couldn't help but smile at him. He had an expression of exasperated amusement on his face as he stared at Alice, shaking his head. He carried two suitcases, and somehow managed to balance them in one hand while carrying a vase of sunflowers in the other.

"Alice, are you moving in?" I asked, incredulous. She laughed, filling the room with the bell-like sound.

"No, silly. This is all for you!" My mouth dropped open in surprise. What could I possibly need that would require that much luggage? I mean, I am in the hospital after all. After directing Jasper on where to put everything, Alice shooed him out into the hallway for a few minutes before opening one of the bags and rummaging around inside. "I thought you might like something pretty to wear while you're here," she said, bringing out a set of pajamas for me. I actually really liked them. They looked like soft cotton, and were white, with deep blue flowers printed on them in an open pattern. There was a button up top and drawstring pants with a dark blue robe that matched. Alice went to another bag and brought out something that confused me. She held up a smaller set of pajamas, also white, but with blue stripes that were the same color as the flowers on my set. There was a matching blue robe as well, but in miniature.

"Um, Alice? I don't think that second set will fit me…" I said, trying to figure out what on earth she was doing.

"These aren't for you. They are for Bentley!" and with that being said, she held out her hands for my pig. I handed him over and watched as she quickly dressed Bentley up in the pajamas. He looked like the Hugh Heffner of the swine world. Looking at him made me want to giggle. Once she was done with Bentley she smiled at him in satisfaction before coming over to me. "I hope you don't mind, I thought it would be easier if Esme and I helped you get dressed instead of a nurse you don't know." I nodded, fine with the plan. I hadn't noticed what I was wearing up until now but it was a nightgown of soft pink. Definitely not a hospital gown. Alice, again, I was sure. She must have dressed me while I was away. Esme helped me to sit up and I tried to bring my arms up. It wasn't as easy as I had hoped for and I found myself nearly panting from the exertion. Alice swiftly brought the unbuttoned top around me and guided my arms through it so Esme could lay me back. While I had been sitting up, Esme also slipped the new pillow behind me. Immediately I was much more comfortable. I tried to button the top but it was too difficult so Alice had to help again. I actually needed a few minutes to rest before tackling the challenge of the drawstring pants.

Finally, I was tucked back into bed in my new pajamas with Bentley in his matching set. I had to admit, he looked pretty cute. There was even a slit in the back of his pants to accommodate his tail. Alice had worked her magic on the room as well. She had set up a bedside lamp for some light that wasn't as harsh and had brought me soft blankets in shades of blue and purple. The sunflowers were on the bedside table by the lamp. Alice was looking around the room as though she was trying to find a place for something else. I couldn't imagine what else she had up her sleeve. Well, until Jasper walked in carrying …

"Is that a bookcase?" I gasped, not daring to believe my eyes. I loved to read. Alice smiled and laughed as she directed Jasper all over the room, trying to find the perfect place for it. "Alice, you do know I'm not going to be in here forever right?"

"Oh, I know that, but there's no reason you can't be comfortable while you're here." She was right. The room felt much homier, despite the hospital equipment. Emmett came to the door, holding a large box of what were probably books for the bookcase. He looked at me questioningly, and I blushed. He seemed to know what I needed and set the box down just inside the door, still keeping his distance. I knew he didn't mean me any harm but I still didn't want him near me. His size was just too intimidating. I hoped someday soon I would be ok with him though. He seemed so nice. Plus, he brought me Bentley. He hadn't spoken to me yet and I wondered if he was afraid I would react to his voice how I reacted to Edward's. To be honest, I was worried about it too. No time like the present to find out though.

"Jasper? Could you come over here for a minute?" I asked. Jasper looked relieved to be called away from moving the bookcase all over the room. He sat down next to me and I took his hand in mine. Taking a deep breath, I looked at Emmett, who was still standing in the hallway.

"Emmett, thank you for Bentley. It was very sweet of you," I said to him, hoping he would understand that I wanted him to talk to me. He waited, looking back and forth between myself and Jasper. I held Jasper's hand a little tighter, just in case. It seemed that all activity in my room stopped, waiting for Emmett's reaction.

"You're very welcome, Bella." I waited for something to happen, for my shaking to start or to be afraid, but nothing did. A slow smile broke over Emmett's face and he looked as though I had just given him the best present ever. "So, Bentley huh? Well that's a great name for him, since I gave him to you. I'm totally the Bentley of our house! Just ask Rose…" Emmett started to do a little dance around the hallway, singing "I'm too sexy". Everyone in his family started to groan but I loved it. It was nice to feel normal for a few seconds. As I watched Emmett dancing, I noticed Edward standing off to the side, looking both amused and sad. I thought I understood why, since now he was the only one whose voice frightened me so much. I didn't want to hurt him. He had saved me. I wished I could explain why his voice scared me so much. All I knew was that it did. I let go of Jasper's hand to play with Bentley some more, giving me somewhere else to look. Jasper took the opportunity to go and unpack the books into the bookcase.

I wanted so badly to be able to talk to Edward, to explain that I didn't hate him. I needed him to know.

"Hey everyone?" I started, and felt all eyes turn to me. "Could you give Edward and I a minute? And Esme, if you could stay too…" the others all understood and left quickly. Edward came to just inside the door and shut it behind Jasper, the last one to leave. Esme came over and sat beside me, holding my hand. I smiled at her and tried to think of where to start.

"Edward, I hope you don't think that I hate you," I looked over at him and saw in his eyes that he did. "Oh, Edward that isn't true! You saved me! I could never hate you. I'm not sure why hearing your voice does what it does to me but please, don't for one minute think that. For a long time I thought you were probably disgusted with me. When you saw me like that… when you found me… I didn't think you would ever look at me the same. I didn't think you could. But then Esme brought your CD. And I heard what you were trying to tell me. I still hear it. And I'm so thankful you haven't given up on me yet. I know it's selfish of me, but can I ask you to please, not give up on me now?" I finished so quietly I could barely hear my own words. I was so ashamed at having to ask. I stared at Bentley, my reassuring friend. From the corner of my eye I saw Edward motion to Esme. She let go of my hand and walked over to him so he could whisper in her ear. Once he was done, she came back to me.

"Edward wants you to know that he will never give up on you. He'll wait for you as long as it takes and he knows that, someday, he will be able to tell you that himself." I looked at Edward, tears falling from my eyes. I didn't deserve him. He deserved a whole person. But, right now, I was selfish enough to want him to wait.

"Thank you, Edward."

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I posted a FAQ about Broken on my profile. Reviews are love!


	9. Numb

**I don't own Twilight. Jasper owns me.**

**A huge thank you to Sarah Elizabeth Emily Woods for Beta'ing me on this chapter. My normal beta is on vacation. I promise this is an Edward & Bella story. **

**** Update ** I just discovered the Twilight Lexicon Timeline and realized I was totally off when I guessed at months and dates. I think I've corrected it now but please PM me if you see anything I've missed. Thanks!**

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BPOV

The rest of the afternoon passed uneventfully. Emmett didn't come back with the others and I assumed he had plans with Rosalie. I was glad, because it was a little overwhelming having so many people focused on me. Edward disappeared for a few minutes and came back with a white rose that he handed Alice to hand to me.

I hated that rose. It was white and was supposed to mean innocence or purity. I wasn't either of those things any longer. I tried to smile and thank him for it. He just nodded at me and left. I hoped that I had been able to hide my reaction to his gift. I put it in with the sunflowers but scooted it back to the part of the arrangement that wasn't facing me. I didn't want to see it if I didn't have to. I ignored the questioning looks I got from Alice, Jasper and Esme.

I wanted to read for a while but it was difficult for me to hold up a book for any length of time. Frustrated, I dropped it on my lap and let out a disgruntled sigh. Jasper smiled at me and offered to read it to me. As he settled in with my chosen book, Alice said she needed to run a few errands. I could only hope they didn't involve shopping for me. She kissed me on the cheek before leaving me alone with Jasper and Esme.

"Jasper?" I asked, interrupting him as he read. He raised his eyes to meet mine. "Does Alice mind you spending so much time with me? I mean, you two are dating and all…" I trailed off, feeling the heat rise in my face. I searched his face, not knowing what exactly I was looking for.

"No, she doesn't mind. She wants you to be happy again, Bella. She'd really like to be your friend," he said easily, leaving me no room for doubt. I nodded. I had been wondering for a few hours how she felt about all this. It was good to know.

Jasper continued to read to me until visiting hours were over. Carlisle had arranged for me to be allowed to have one overnight visitor every night, even if it wasn't someone related to me. After making sure I was alright, giving me his cell phone number, and letting me know he would be back the next day, since it would be Sunday, Jasper left. I was a little apprehensive at being left alone with Esme but hers was a soothing presence. She didn't feel the need to fill silences. It gave me time to think.

I knew what the Cullens were. Jacob had told me, sort of. I did the rest on my own with research on the internet. It wasn't an exact match, but it was close enough for me to know the truth. It didn't bother me, and I wasn't afraid, but I wasn't sure that they were aware of my knowledge. Would it matter to them or change anything? I wasn't sure, but I did have a few questions. I eyed Esme, who was sitting in the chair next to me looking through a design magazine.

"How long have you been a vampire?" Esme's face flew up and her eyes widened. The magazine dropped to the floor with a dull thud.

"What, dear? I'm not sure what you mean." Her voice betrayed nothing. And her eyes returned to their normal size. She's pretty good, I couldn't help but think.

"I have this friend, Jacob Black… He's a Quileute," and I said nothing else.

"Oh." I could see Esme trying to figure out how to handle the situation or what to say. I had nothing but time, since I really didn't want to sleep yet, so I waited. "How long have you known?"

"Since before. It's ok though. I'm not afraid," I tried to reassure her. They had done so much for me (though I couldn't fathom why) and I didn't want to offend them. But they should know that I was aware of their secret. "And I won't tell anyone. I mean, if you had wanted to hurt me, you had plenty of opportunities to do so while I was … away."

Esme looked at me for a long moment before changing the subject. "Bella, why didn't you like the rose Edward gave you?"

I flushed and looked away. I _really_ didn't want to answer this question. "It's a white rose," I said, hoping she would somehow magically understand from that simple fact why I hated that flower. I glanced over to her, only to see confusion on her face. I sighed, and continued. "Aren't they supposed to represent innocence and purity?" Still no response. I was going to have to say it.

"I don't have either of those things. Not anymore," I whispered, half hoping she wouldn't hear me. I didn't look at her, choosing instead to focus on Bentley's face. The sun had set several hours before and room was cast in a soft light by the lamp Alice had brought. I heard Esme shift towards me in her chair before she spoke.

"Oh sweetheart…" From the corner of my eye I saw her move to touch my arm and I flinched away.

"Please … just don't." I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I rolled over onto my side and curled around Bentley. I didn't want to see her face and know that I was right. How could anyone deny it? I so badly wanted to escape, to return to my river where I didn't have to face pitying looks or flowers with meanings that taunted me with what I could never be again. I just wanted to escape…

Sleep must have found me at some point because, when I opened my eyes, dull light was coming in the windows. Someone had opened the curtains and I could see that it was raining. Of course it was. I watched the rain run down the windows like tears from the clouds. For the first time, I was glad of the rain. The skies cried my tears for me today. It was probably a good thing, because I wasn't sure I had any tears to cry. I felt curiously numb inside, like someone had flipped a switch and I no longer had emotions. It was too much of a relief for me to question it.

I looked around the room and was surprised to see Rosalie. I wondered when Esme had left. I knew I had probably hurt her with my reaction last night. I hadn't wanted to be touched just then. Hopefully she would understand.

"Rosalie? What are you doing here?" I asked her, only partially curious. For the most part I just didn't care anymore. She looked nervous again.

"Bella, I wanted to talk to you so I asked Esme to give me some time. She's just outside, in the waiting room. Do you want me to get her?" I shrugged, completely indifferent. Rosalie took a deep breath before speaking again. "I don't generally talk about this. Not to anyone, except Emmett sometimes, of course. I mean, my family all know, it's kind of hard to keep a secret with them, so that was inevitable, but I've never told anyone else." Rosalie was starting to babble. It wasn't something I had ever thought I would see her do.

"Bella, I understand what you are going through. A long time ago, I was raped too."

**RPOV**

I waited for some sort of reaction from Bella to my whispered confession. She just stared at me, no emotion on her face at all. From her expression, you would think I had just told her that the skies were blue or that grass was green. I didn't expect this and wasn't sure if I should continue. The silence stretched on and it appeared that Bella was in no hurry to break it.

"Esme explained that you know what we are." Bella nodded. "Well, this happened to me right before I was turned by Carlisle. In fact, it was the reason I was turned. Can I tell you my story, Bella?" I watched her as she thought about it. Eventually she shrugged, her eyes impassive and blank. I would never admit it to anyone, but her absolute lack of response and emotions was creeping me out a little.

"When I was human, I was the prettiest girl in my town. And I was engaged to the most prominent bachelor. He was handsome and wealthy, and I just knew we would have a perfect life together; a charmed life. One night I was walking home from a friend's house and I came across a group of men. They were all drunk, and it took me several moments to realize that one of them was my fiancé. I had never seen him like that before. I crossed the street to try and avoid them but it was no use. They had seen me and were around me before I could even think of an escape." I closed my eyes, picturing the night that I had everything torn from me. "It was dark, except for the occasional glow of a streetlight. There was mist in the air, because it had rained all afternoon, a soft drizzle that enveloped us all. I still didn't understand what was happening until Royce ripped my coat from me. The buttons scattered in the street, brass buttons that I had been so proud of. I can still hear them hit the pavement before rolling away like so many of my dreams that were lost with them." I blinked, trying to keep myself in the present. Bella was still staring at me, and there was a flicker of interest in her eyes. I steeled myself, wrapping my identity as Rosalie Cullen around me as I relieved the last few minutes of Rosalie Hale's life.

"He and his friends took turns with me. After a while I went numb, unable to feel the pain, praying for death. When they were finally finished with me, they laughed. They laughed, like nothing that had happened mattered at all. It was just a game, and they had won. Their prize was my innocence and my life." I paused, waiting for the questions I knew she must have. But nothing ever came.

"I'm not telling you this so you pity me. I don't want your pity, and I know you don't want mine. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone, and that I understand. If you ever want to talk, I'll be here to listen." Bella stared at me for a long minute.

"Thank you, Rosalie. I know that wasn't easy for you." There was no emotion in her voice, no intonation. I was starting to be very worried for Bella. This couldn't be healthy for her. I needed to call Jasper.

"I'll get Esme for you," I told Bella, and I headed for her door.

**JPOV**

I was reluctant to leave the hospital but I knew that Esme wanted some time with Bella. Plus, this morning Rosalie wanted to talk to her. I knew neither would hurt her but I couldn't help the protective feelings surging inside of me. But I knew they each had reasons for wanting time with Bella, and I needed some time with my beloved Alice. I was so lucky that she understood me so well, and tolerated my long absences while I was at the hospital. She knew why this was so important to me. I didn't know what I had ever done to deserve her. I should really treat her to a romantic vacation and shopping trip in Milan once Bella is a little more stable …

"Thank you, Jazzy!" Alice's voice tinkled from upstairs in our room and I couldn't help but laugh. I could feel her excitement about the trip. I allowed my smile to fade as my mind wandered back to the call I got from Esme last night while Bella was sleeping.

"_Esme, what is it? Is Bella ok?" I was near panic, thinking something had happened and I wasn't there for her. Edward heard me and came running from upstairs, where he had been searching for new songs to send to Bella._

"_She's fine, Jasper. She's asleep. I wanted to tell you about a few things from tonight though." I relaxed as I realized that Bella wasn't hurt. Well, not more than she already was anyway. "I asked her about the reaction to the rose. She said that she didn't like the rose because it was supposed to stand for innocence and purity and she would never have those things again. Jasper, hearing her saying that broke my heart. You should talk to her about it tomorrow." Edward, of course, heard every word and I felt the agony pierce him. And the guilt. I knew that he felt that he had hurt Bella. _

"_Esme, you said a few things. What else happened?" I wanted to wrap up the conversation so I could talk to Edward. Esme's pause became drawn-out. _

"_Esme?" If I hadn't been able to hear Bella breathing in the background I might have thought she had hung up._

"_Well, she told me something that shocked me. Apparently she has a friend on the Quileute Reservation. Jacob Black?" This couldn't be good. "He mentioned what we are to Bella." Next to me, Edward hissed. "I'd come home so we could all talk about this but I promised Bella I wouldn't leave her."_

"_It's alright, Esme. We'll figure something out. I'm positive she won't say anything so I don't see a problem." After a few more moments Esme and I hung up. I turned to face the rest of my family, who were patiently waiting. _

The discussion with my family had gone better than I had expected. It didn't seem to matter to them that Bella knew. She had come close to finding out before, when Edward saved her, and she never said anything. We knew we could trust her. Alice didn't foresee any problems so it was a rather short conversation. But that was when Rosalie told us she wanted to talk to Bella. I was surprised. Rosalie has never talked to anyone other than Emmett or Carlisle about her experience. The similarities in Bella's situation must have really touched her. I made a mental note to go hunting with Emmett in the near future to talk to him about it.

Glancing at the clock I noticed Bella should be going to her first physical therapy session soon and I wanted to be there before she left. I went upstairs to get the journal I had purchased for her.

"Jasper?" I turned to see Edward standing in the doorway of his room as I passed. He was holding a dozen white flowers that I knew weren't native to the United States. He must have had them flown in. Each had six petals that were long, thin, and slightly pointed at the end. The back of each petal had a soft green line running from the base to the tip. There was a small circle of smaller petals inside that had the pollen stalks coming from them and ringed the yellow center. They were lovely. "Could you give these to Bella for me?" I smiled, knowing what Edward was trying to say.

"Of course I will, Edward. I'm sure she will love them. Is there anything you want me to tell her?" I felt his hesitation and longing.

"No, the flowers are enough," he said, and he went back into his room and shut the door. I made a side trip into my library where I spent a few minutes searching for the volume I knew was in here somewhere. It was a book I looked at infrequently and I didn't mind giving it to Bella. She would get more use out of it than I would. After grabbing the journal and kissing my perfect Alice, I was on my way.

I had just reached my car when my cell phone rang. I checked the caller ID to find Rosalie's name.

"Rose, is Bella ok?" I knew that Rose had intended to tell Bella her story. I hoped it didn't cause a bad reaction in Bella.

"I'm not sure. Jasper, I told her my story. I didn't go into gory detail because, let's face it, she has enough of those memories herself without adding mine to the mix. Throughout it all, she just sat there. She had no reaction at all. Jasper, I'm really worried. Something is very wrong with Bella this morning. It's like she's not there, even though her eyes are open and she speaks." I could hear concern in Rosalie's voice.

"I'll be there in ten minutes Rose. Will you make sure Esme sits with her until I get there?" I threw myself into my car and tore out of the driveway. I needed to get to Bella.

"Of course. And Jasper? Hurry."

The drive to the hospital took me 9 minutes but seemed so much longer. I wasn't sure what could have happened to Bella in the hours between when I had seen her last and this morning. I parked and tried to walk to Bella's room at human speed, though it was killing me to go so slowly. I could feel Esme's concern as I approached the door. From Bella I felt … indifference? It was hard to know for sure because what I was feeling from her was blurred somehow. It was like watching a TV channel that was all snowy. Sometimes you could make out what things were but it wasn't clear. I had never sensed anything like it before. I knocked before opening the door, slightly nervous about what I would find.

"Come in," I heard Esme call out. Was Bella sleeping? Is that why her emotions were so foggy? I could feel her emotions when she was asleep before… I opened the door.

Bella was sitting up in bed, a book propped up on Bentley, who was lying across her lap. She looked fine, until I looked at her eyes. They were completely empty. It was disconcerting, to say the least. I looked to Esme, who was staring at me with wide eyes. She was concerned and afraid for Bella. I shook my head at Esme minutely so that Bella wouldn't notice. I was trying to tell her I had no idea what was going on with Bella.

"Good morning, Bella. Did you sleep well?" I asked as I moved closer to her. She didn't appear to mind my presence so I moved to the chair on the opposite side of her bed. I wanted to see if she would feel anything by having me so close. She didn't even look up from her book to answer me.

"Fine, thank you."

"I brought a few things for you today. The flowers are from Edward. He hopes that you like them." Mentioning Edward's name got her attention. I felt a surge of longing from her before it was squashed down into nothingness again. She was staring at the unusual flowers in my hands. I offered them to her so she could see them closer. A small light appeared in her face as she took Edward's message to her for the day. The beginnings of a smile danced across her lips as she stroked the petals.

"They're lovely. Will he be coming by to see me today?" She didn't tear her gaze from the flowers as she asked.

"I'm sure he would be happy to if you would like." This was a major understatement on my part. Edward would be ecstatic she asked for him. Esme went to find something to put the new flowers in and I made a mental note to have Edward include a vase next time he sent Bella flowers. I had a feeling this would be a recurring theme for them.

Once Esme returned and set about arranging the flowers so that Bella could see them from her bed, I handed her the rest of the gifts I had brought.

"_A History of Flowers_? Jasper, I'm not really interested in botany," said Bella hesitantly, probably not wanting to hurt my feelings. I smiled at her.

"You never know. You could find it interesting," I responded cryptically. She didn't spare the book another glance, just set it on her bedside table. She moved on to the second book. I watched her face as she took in the leather binding and cover, with it's detailed patterns swirling in soft shapes. It was heavy, and all of the pages were lined but blank. Her hands lingered over the design, tracing them over and over again with her fingers before she opened the book.

"I thought you might like to have a journal. I know that, for me, it sometimes helps to write things out. It's a safe place for your thoughts."

"Safe…" Bella murmured, probably thinking we wouldn't be able to hear her. I was still unable to get a strong bead on her emotions. It was maddening. I was granted a reprieve when a brusque knock at the door preceded a female nurse.

"Hello, Bella. Did Dr. Cullen tell you that you would begin physical therapy today?" Bella shrugged. "Great! I'm here to take you to your first session." The cheerful nurse, whose name was Andrea, transferred Bella easily to a wheelchair. For the first time that day I felt something other than emptiness from Bella: panic. She looked over at me.

"It's ok, Bella. I'll wait here for you." She nodded in relief and looked at her bed where Bentley was lying next to the pillow. I felt her longing and got up, taking her pig to her. The nurse was about to object but I shot her a look that silenced her. If Bella wanted her pig to go with her, then he would. Bella clutched at Bentley as tightly as her weakened arms could as she was wheeled from the room.

As soon as the door shut behind them, I turned to Esme.

"What happened last night? Did the conversation with Rose this morning cause this?" I asked her, desperate to know what had wrought such a drastic change.

"I'm not sure. Last night happened just as I told you when I called. Bella told me that she knew about us but that she wasn't afraid. She was much the same as she was yesterday afternoon, only tired. She didn't stay awake long. She slept the night through with no nightmares, as far as I could tell. Rosalie came in this morning and I waited in the waiting room while they talked, though Bella didn't respond much to anything Rose had to say. Honestly Jasper, I have no idea what happened." Esme looked shaken. I could feel her pain and fear for Bella. I wished I could reassure her but I didn't have the words.

"Jasper, I'm going to leave for a while to take care of a few things at the house. I'll let Edward know that Bella wants him to visit. I think that, once she returns from physical therapy, you should try to talk to her about the rose." She walked over to me and kissed me on the cheek. I could feel her pride and love for me and I was humbled, yet again. I wasn't sure that I deserved such love but I would find a way to be worthy of it. The door swung shut softly behind my mother.

I looked at the bouquet of sunflowers on Bella's bedside table. I could see the single white rose hiding in the back, though she probably wouldn't be able to see it from the bed. I knew Edward had meant well with the gesture but I also thought the flowers he got her today were much more appropriate. I had no idea how he had them flown in from South Africa in the middle of the night and I wasn't going to ask. When you are a Cullen, anything is possible.

After about forty-five minutes, Andrea returned with an exhausted Bella. I could feel fuzzy disgust with herself from Bella but nothing else. Apparently therapy had not gone well this first session. I helped Andrea get Bella and Bentley settled back into bed.

"Is there anything else I can get for you dear?" Andrea asked. Bella shook her head no. "Alright then. Just ring me if you change your mind." She left quickly, off to tend to the other patients on the ward.

"How was physical therapy Bella?" I asked. She crinkled her nose at me.

"Awful. We are apparently going to focus on my legs in the mornings and my arms in the afternoon. My physical therapist, Carolee, and her assistant, Shelly, asked me to try and hold one leg up at a time for 10 seconds. It should have been so simple but I couldn't do it! Yet they kept telling me how well I was doing," Bella said, frustration leaking out into her voice.

"I know it's frustrating but it will get easier. You just need to give it time." Bella huffed at me and closed her eyes. "Why don't you sleep for a while?" Bella looked at me.

"Will you stay?" I smiled, trying to reassure her. I could feel soft insecurity from her now.

"Of course. I'll be right here when you wake up. Rest now, Bella." She was asleep barely a minute later.

Esme had said that Bella had a quiet night, with no nightmares. I hoped her luck would hold out for the duration of her nap.

I had hoped that, while she slept, her emotions would become a bit more into focus for me. Humans are at their most unguarded during sleep but no such luck. Bella's emotions remained fuzzy and incomplete. I didn't understand it.

While she slept I spent the time reviewing my training in psychology, looking for possible solutions. To be honest, there were too many. After going through a traumatic event such as Bella's attack, detachment could almost be expected. I would need to do some more research when next I was home.

I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't notice Bella waking up until she said my name.

"Jasper?" I reached for her hand.

"I'm still here, Bella. I promised I wouldn't leave you," I reassured her. Her eyes were still closed but she gripped my hand. "Are you awake darlin'?" Slowly her eyes opened. "You didn't sleep very long. Did you want to try and rest more?"

"No, I'm alright. Is Edward here?" she asked, looking around the room. Her eyes fell in disappointment when she realized I was alone.

"Esme went home to tell him you would like him to visit. He will be here soon, I'm sure. He wants to see you too." I could feel the disbelief, faint as it was. "Bella, can we talk about the rose Edward gave you?"

"No." Her answer was firm and it was clear she did not want to discuss it. I had to decide if it was worth it to push her. I decided to press her on the subject.

"You told Esme that you didn't like the rose because you would never be innocent or pure again. Do you honestly believe that?"

She let go of my hand and turned away from me. "Jasper, I don't want to talk about this." I was feeling light flashes of anger and disgust. I wondered if the anger could get strong enough to break through the calm façade she was projecting.

"Bella, we need to talk about it. It's not healthy to hide away. Talk to me sweetheart," I pleaded with her.

"About what? I'm not a virgin anymore. I'm tainted now… dirty. What else is there to say?" The anger and disgust faded and all that was left was the hollow emptiness I used to feel when she was lost. For a moment I wondered if she had slipped away from me again until she moved her hand to stroke Bentley. I breathed an internal sigh of relief. I wasn't sure what to say in response to her though. Could I tell her that they hadn't taken that from her? Of course I couldn't. They did take her innocence from her. How could I explain to her that it didn't touch the core of who she was, and her worth?

"Bella, you aren't either of those things. Yes, they did take your virginity from you. They stole it and it isn't something you can get back, but it isn't something that changes what you are worth as a person."

She didn't respond so I let the subject go for now, hoping that she would think about what I had said. I needed to talk to Rosalie more before I could approach the topic again. All of my training and years of book learning hadn't really prepared me for the reality of a broken person in front of me.

I could hear Edward approaching and I was thankful. She needed to see him. He knocked quietly on the door before coming in. He looked at me and I understood what he wanted.

"Bella, is it ok if Edward comes in?" She quickly sat up and nodded. Edward slipped into the room and sat down in the chair by the door, his eyes never leaving Bella's face. I could feel his love for her, and his sorrow, pouring out of him and I knew that he was trying to show his love in his expression, since he couldn't speak to her. Bella blushed under his scrutiny but held his gaze.

"Thank you for my flowers, Edward. They're so beautiful," she said. It was the most I had heard her say all morning. He smiled at her and her face softened a bit, bringing just a small amount of peace to her eyes. They stayed this way for a few minutes, Bella holding on to Bentley and Edward watching her, trying to express how he felt for her. I couldn't tell exactly what Bella was thinking but I sensed small amounts of doubt starting to build in her. Edward heard it in my mind and looked to me. He felt uncertain and worried. I took a guess at what he wanted.

"Bella, could Edward move closer to you?" I asked her, hoping this wouldn't set off a round of screaming. She thought about it for a few long seconds.

"Maybe a few feet would be ok…" she whispered. Edward's answering smile could have lit up the entire town of Forks. I was sure even Bella could feel his joy at being allowed that much closer to her. The doubt started to recede in her and Edward was filled with satisfaction. He didn't want Bella to doubt his constancy for her. I was sure he was trying to find even more ways to communicate with her.

The silence continued until Bella started to get a little uncomfortable. "Jasper, will you read to me?" asked Bella. I was only too happy to oblige.

"Sure. Did you have a book in mind?" I asked her. I expected something by Jane Austen or another romantic classic, as she seemed to favor those.

"Oliver Twist, please." I was startled by her choice, as was Edward. I thought I might understand why so I selected the book from the shelf and began to read to them both.

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**Reviews are love!**


	10. Blood

**A/N - First, Broken has been nominated for Best AU Work in Progress on the Indys!! I'm so excited about this and would love it if you would vote for me. Details on where to vote and when are on my profile, as is the link. Thank you so much to whoever nominated me! I squealed like Alice when I was notified. :)**

**Second, this chapter covers A LOT of time. About seven weeks, I think, putting us to right before Thanksgiving. So please forgive me if it's a little disjointed, it's kind of meant to be. It is also VERY intense at the end so please, read with caution and please read the end note.**

**Finally, I posted a one-shot that I love because I needed an angst break from Broken. Though it seems to have loosened up my writers block because it helped me finish chapter 10! It's a light, fluffy story and I adore it but it's not getting any love at all on here. You can find it on my profile as well. Enjoy chapter 10!**

**Disclaimer - I don't own Twilight**

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EPOV

I was overjoyed. Bella thanked me for the flowers and even let me sit closer to her today. If it meant progress for her, I would get her flowers every day for the rest of her life. Jasper was reading Oliver Twist to her now while thinking about the reasons behind her choice. Normally Bella preferred romantic classics.

_I think she chose this one because of the lack of romance. It could be that she feels like she doesn't have that in her future any longer._

Jasper's thoughts made sense even though they bothered me deeply. What happened to Bella wasn't her fault. I would do anything in my power to show her that life for her could still be beautiful. I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't hear Alice approaching until she entered Bella's room. She had yet another suitcase with her and a small dresser on wheels.

"Good morning, Bella! I thought you might like to get cleaned up. I brought some real clothes for you and new sheets for your bed," she said, her normal exuberance dulled slightly. I could tell she was trying to keep from overwhelming Bella. I was grateful.

Alice wheeled the dresser over next to the bookcase and started unpacking the clothes she had brought today. There were a number of new outfits, and each had a corresponding outfit for Bentley. Leave it to Alice to be thorough. She grabbed a small case which, from the smell of it, held shower products, and moved over to Bella, who had been watching without much interest.

"Can I help you or would you rather have a nurse?" she asked Bella.

"You please," Bella responded.

"Great! While we are in the bathroom the boys can change the sheets on your bed!" Alice said, giving us a pointed look. I just smiled at her. Of course I would do anything to keep Bella comfortable.

Jasper picked Bella up and settled her into her wheelchair before handing her Bentley. Alice took over and wheeled Bella into her bathroom to help her shower and change. I stayed in my chair until the door closed behind them. Jasper started to strip Bella's bed and I went to the suitcase and pulled out Bella's new sheets. They were a soft aqua color and were Egyptian cotton. The were perfect for Bella's room. Jasper and I quickly re-made the bed. We were both familiar with this particular chore, since one of Esme's favorite punishments for us was to make us do chores at human speed. It was infuriating and usually got her point across, especially to Emmett.

_Edward, I need to ask you for something._ Jasper's thoughts caught my attention. He must not have wanted Alice to hear. _I know this will be hard for you, but I need to ask that you try your best to block out what I'm thinking when I'm with Bella. She doesn't have a lot of privacy right now and it wouldn't be fair to her if you "heard" everything she says to me in confidence._

I thought about this for a moment. Jasper was right on both counts. Bella did deserve as much privacy as we could give her. It would be hard enough for her to talk to Jasper without me overhearing everything. As much as I longed to know every detail of their conversations, it wouldn't be right. I sighed, and nodded at him. This was not going to be easy.

"Jasper, how can I reach her?" I asked in a low voice so that Bella couldn't hear me. "How can I help her?" I was desperate to try.

"Honestly, things are going well between the two of you. I'm not sure exactly why she reacts the way she does to your voice but I do have theories. And no, I won't tell you what they are. It goes to the privacy thing. The best thing you can probably do for her is exactly what you are already doing. Keep sending her messages with music and flowers, show up when she asks for you, and don't force it. It's going to be a long road, and you have to find ways to rebuild love and trust with her without using your voice. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it." I was already blocking Jasper's thoughts from my mind but I didn't need to hear them to know he meant every word he said.

Bella is worth it. She is worth everything I can give her or do for her and more. I just hope that she will be able to see it.

**APOV**

"I hope you don't mind, Bella. I just thought you might like a real shower," I said to Bella after the door had closed, leaving the boys to deal with her bed.

"You're right, that sounds great, Alice." Bella's voice had a strange flat tone to it. I started pulling out shampoo and body wash for Bella but she stopped me before long. "Alice, do you have anything other than those?" Bella said, pointing to her usual strawberry shampoo and freesia body wash. I had seen this coming and had thought ahead.

"Sure honey, but don't you want to use your normal things?" I knew she would have this reaction, but I wanted Jasper to hear why.

"No, I'd really rather not. I'm not that girl anymore." I nodded my understanding and put away the offending body products. I pulled out bottles from Bath and Body Works in a new scent.

"How's this one?" I asked her, opening the body wash for her approval. She smiled, though it was only slight.

"I like it. Thanks, Alice." I had gotten her the entire line of Night Blooming Jasmine. Her new shampoo and conditioner also had a very light note of jasmine in them. I thought it might suit the new Bella.

"Is it OK if I set Bentley here by the sink while you shower? He won't be far." I knew how important her pig was to her. She nodded and handed him to me. I placed him carefully on the counter by the sink and turned on the water for the shower. Once it was warm enough I quickly helped Bella undress and into the shower. She held onto the rails while I quickly stripped down to the swimsuit I was wearing under my clothes. I climbed in behind her to help support her.

Using vampire speed because I knew Bella wouldn't be able to stand for long I quickly washed her body and turned off the water. I grabbed a towel and dried her before helping her get dressed. Today I had brought red yoga pants and a white t-shirt. I knew with physical therapy comfort was more important than fashion. Once Bella was dressed I carefully put her back in her wheelchair. The entire thing had taken less than fifteen minutes but she appeared exhausted.

"Bella, would you like me to wash your hair? I can do it in the sink," I asked. I could tell she felt slightly better now that she was clean and she seemed almost eager to have her hair clean as well, despite how tired she was.

"That would be wonderful," she replied. I maneuvered her chair so that I could wash her long hair in the sink with the new shampoo and conditioner I brought her. I tried to carefully massage her scalp as I went, knowing that the last day or so had been very hard on her. I couldn't be there for her as much as Jasper could, but I could take care of her in other ways. She's still my best friend. At least, I hoped she would still be. I could feel Bella relaxing under my fingertips as I combed through her hair, making sure to rinse out all of the conditioner. Once I was done I carefully dried her hair with a towel before running a brush through it.

"There now, that must feel better!" Bella sighed in contentment.

"I feel so much more human now, Alice. Thank you," she said, and she actually smiled at me. It wasn't a true smile, but it was a start. I reached for Bentley and quickly changed him out of his pajamas and into his matching outfit for the day before handing him back to Bella.

"Come on, let's get you back into bed." I turned her chair and we left the bathroom.

While we were getting Bella cleaned up, the boys had changed her sheets into the nice ones I had gotten her. Lord only knew the thread count of hospital sheets! Jasper carefully picked Bella up and put her back into her newly made bed, tucking her in with Bentley.

"Bella, I need to go out for an hour or so. Will you be OK here with Alice and Edward or would you like me to stay?" Jasper asked.

"I'll be fine, Jasper. Lunch will be here soon anyway," she replied. Her voice had the same flat intonation I had noticed earlier but her eyes held a little uncertainty. I reached for her hand, trying to reassure her.

"I'll have my cell phone if you need me. I can be back here in ten minutes if you call," Jasper said, looking into her face. I couldn't help the swell of pride I had for my husband as I watched him with Bella. He wanted so much to help her. I knew that he saw taking care of her as a gift to me and Edward but it was more than that. I think he was trying to reclaim some of himself that he had lost during his first one hundred years as a vampire. Helping Bella helped him too. They would be good for each other. He would help her find her way through the most difficult time of her life and she would bring him peace. I loved him so much, and it grew with every passing day.

Jasper must have felt my emotions because he looked at me and the expression of fierce love on his face took my breath away. He pushed all his love toward me so that it washed over me in a tidal wave of emotion. He raised his hand to touch my cheek and I felt it to my toes as I leaned my face into his hand, my eyes never breaking contact with his. Too soon he drew away so he could slip home to talk to our siblings.

Edward followed Jasper out of the room after motioning to Bella that he would be right back. I flitted around the room, plumping Bella's pillows and straightening her books.

"Oh! Bella I just had the best idea. We should press one of the flowers Edward gave you!" She looked confused.

"Press it?"

"Sure! We put it between the pages of a heavy book and that way, the flower is preserved. We could even date the page so you know when you got each flower from Edward," I explained. She didn't seem excited about the idea but I knew it would matter to her later. It was one of the perks of being able to see the future.

"Let's see, we will need some tissue paper. Thankfully I used some when I was packing your new clothes. I'll get you a special book to keep the flowers in as well. Oh this will be perfect!" I dashed around the room gathering what I would need, Bella watching from the bed with little interest.

**JPOV**

I drove up to the house hoping to find Rosalie; however, when I walked in the front door I could tell that Emmett was the only one home. I found him in the living room playing with his X-Box.

"Hey, Emmett!" I walked over to bump knuckles with him, which was one of his latest quirks, before sitting down on the couch.

"How's Bella?" he asked me, not taking his eyes off the television screen.

"I'm not sure, to be honest. I was hoping to talk to Rose," I replied.

"Sorry, she went hunting with Carlisle and Esme." Great. I knew the theory of how to help a rape victim but I didn't know the actual practice. People aren't like textbooks and I really didn't want to damage Bella any further than she already was. I sighed. Emmett looked away from his video game and focused on my face. After a long moment he turned it off, something I had never seen him do in the middle of a game.

"What's up, Jasper? How come you're home instead of at the hospital?" he asked as he moved to sit next to me on the couch.

"I wanted to talk to Rosalie about her … experience, if she is willing," I stumbled over the words.

Emmett considered that for a moment. "That might be more helpful for Bella. But I could probably help you. I've been where you are before." A look I had never seen on Emmett's face before surprised me. I could feel his intense sadness like an ache. "You and Alice weren't here when Rosie was dealing with what those bastards did to her. It took her a long time to even know where to start. When she asked Carlisle to turn me, she still hadn't recovered. It took a long time for us to get to where we are now."

"How did you talk to her? Weren't you afraid of making things worse? I've read the textbooks and know the theory, but sometimes I just don't know what to say," I whispered.

"It's hard. Sometimes I said the wrong thing. I usually knew right away that I had screwed up by the look on her face. It would take her some time to forgive me. I can tell you what I've learned, if you want?" I nodded at him to continue; pleased he was taking the conversation so seriously.

"First, it does you no good to tell her that she is or isn't something." I must have looked confused because he went on. "For example, Rosie had it in her head that she was 'damaged goods' and 'worthless' because of what they did to her. I could tell her that she wasn't until I was blue in the face (and had I been human I would have been, many times) but, until she figured it out herself, it didn't matter."

I thought about that for a moment. "Then how did you help her come to that realization?"

"I showed her. I did everything I could think of to show her how precious she was. Mostly it took time. Edward is going to have a long road ahead of him in getting her to trust him. What might work for you is to simply spend time with her, and listen to everything she has to say. Don't directly tell her what she is or isn't, try to guide her around to find it herself." That made sense.

"OK, what else?"

"I gather she doesn't like to be touched?" I didn't say anything in response, not wanting to betray anything about Bella's condition. "It's normal, man. Rosie and I didn't do anything more than hold hands for years. It really does take time. And slow movements. Ask her permission before touching her, always. Let her initiate. Don't ever sneak up on her or move around too quietly for her to hear. I learned that the hard way one day when I came up behind Rosie and put my arms around her waist. She screamed and ended up sitting in a corner for hours, trying to calm down. I couldn't touch her for days after that." I could tell that Emmett didn't like reliving this part of his and Rosalie's life.

"Just be there for her, Jasper. All the books in the world aren't going to make this go away or better. You know the basics, you will find your way with her," he said, clapping me on the shoulder. "She trusts you already and that's huge. It will take a while. Thankfully we've got nothing but time, right?"

"Thank you Emmett. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it."

I found myself thinking a lot about what Emmett had said over the next few days. Bella was still projecting fuzzy emotions at me and it was driving me mad. Even her voice was flat and toneless. It was as if someone had sucked the life out of her and left a doll in her place. My years of training told me it was a defense mechanism, and part of post-traumatic stress disorder, but I was at a loss at how to break through to her. She was still trying to struggle through physical therapy so I didn't want to push her too hard yet. Not to mention that I was afraid she would retreat back to her previous state of catatonia. No one wanted that.

Bella's birthday was only days away. Even Alice didn't suggest a big celebration, knowing it would probably hinder Bella's recovery. Everyone settled for sending small gifts to her in the hospital and visiting over the course of a day so as not to overwhelm her with too many people at once.

Carlisle and Esme got her a gift card to a large chain bookstore. It was one that also had an extensive website so that she could order online. Once she was released she would need some new reading material.

Emmett and Rosalie purchased her a Nintendo DS and several games, hoping it would distract her when she needed it.

Edward spent several days mixing a CD of classical music for Bella.

From Alice (who had coached everyone on what gifts would be well-received by Bella) and I, Bella received a scrapbook to put her pressed flowers in. It was the kind where the pages could be taken out and put back in order to make it easier to decorate them and each page had a protective sleeve, making it perfect for her flowers.

The days turned into weeks. Since I had "graduated" in the spring, I didn't have to worry about school and was able to spend much of my time at the hospital with Bella. She was getting closer to being able to walk and going home.

Carolee, her physical therapist, was the first to mention it one afternoon when she came to take Bella to her session.

"Are you excited Bella?" she asked. Bella turned her lifeless eyes to focus on her perpetually perky therapist.

"Excited about what?"

"You are so close to walking now! That means you will be able to go home soon." I felt a sliver of apprehension from Bella at Carolee's words.

"Oh," was all she said.

"We're going to try to take a few steps today. Maybe your friend would like to come?" Carolee asked, sliding a glance at me. As I thought it over, I decided I would love to be there for Bella's first steps, but only if it was OK with her.

"Bella?" I asked. She shrugged at me.

"If you want, that's fine." I sighed at the tone in her voice. Carefully I lifted her and settled her into her wheelchair before motioning Carolee to lead the way. I pushed Bella's chair as I followed them down the hallways to the physical therapy suite, where Carolee's assistant, Shelly, was waiting for us.

"Hi Bella! Are you ready for this?" Shelly asked as Carolee led us over to a set of parallel bars against one wall. Bella didn't respond. "Jasper, why don't you stand at that end of the bars and Bella can try to walk to you." I nodded and took my place, unable to keep the excitement that was building in me at bay. I thought about using my gift to influence Bella, but I really wanted her to feel emotions on her own. Thus far, I hadn't used my talent on her at all, except passively to read her emotions, of course. She needed to feel real emotions, not the ones I could manufacture for her.

Carolee helped Bella up and positioned her at the other end of the parallel bars, in between them so she could hold on to them both. I was ready and waiting at the other end. I could see the tremors in Bella's legs as they struggled to support her. She had gotten much stronger over the past few weeks of physical therapy but was still fairly weak. Carolee stood behind Bella, hands at the ready to catch her should her legs give out. Bella took a deep breath and slowly lifted her right foot. I found myself holding my breath, waiting for her to take the step. I exhaled in a rush and couldn't stop the smile that started to slip over my face as Bella took her first step since waking. It took a long time but Bella eventually made her way the entire distance of the bars and into my waiting arms. I was so proud of her that I was grinning ear to ear. Bella was panting from the exertion, exhausted. I carried her back to her chair and she sank gratefully into it. I couldn't wait to tell Alice and Edward! I looked over to see Carlisle standing in the doorway, watching me and Bella. I could feel the pride rolling off of him in waves. Oddly enough, it was pride for both me and Bella. I may be more than one hundred years old, but this man's approval meant a great deal to me. I inclined my head at him and his smile only grew as he turned around to leave before Bella could see him and get embarrassed.

Bella made slow but steady progress after those first steps. Physically, anyway. Emotionally she was still giving off static. The hospital had had a counselor seeing her every day but she was unwilling to open up. The counselor, whose name was Sarah, was a sweet woman and I could feel her concern and sympathy for Bella. Every day for an hour she would sit with Bella while I waited in the hall, listening. Every day she left, with Bella not speaking a word. I was worried. It wasn't good to bottle so much up inside. I would know. I had spoken to Carlisle about my concerns. He, of course, was worried as well, but thought time was the best thing we could give Bella right now. We were all afraid to push her too hard. She was still so fragile.

She had been doing better with Edward. Emmett had the same discussion with Edward he had with me so Edward knew what to expect. Now he could move about in the room freely, so long as Bella always knew exactly where he was. He still couldn't touch her or speak to her though. In general she didn't want men touching her, with me being the only exception.

Halloween rolled around and Bella allowed Alice to dress her and Bentley up for the occasion. Bella was a bobby-soxer; complete with poodle skirt and hair scarf, and Bentley was a greaser. Alice had even managed to find the stuffed animal a wig. Where, I didn't bother to ask. Alice was dressed as Tinkerbell, which left me as Peter Pan. I didn't have much of a choice, having lost a bet to Alice earlier in the year. I would hear about the tights for years to come from my brothers. It made both Alice and Bella smile though, so I didn't complain… much. Once we were all decked out children came by the room to trick-or-treat through the hospital.

Finally, after seven weeks in the hospital learning to walk and regain her strength, Bella was released from the hospital. It was a gloomy Saturday afternoon outside, per usual, but not raining for once. That made it perfect for Bella's release. Thanksgiving was on Thursday and Charlie was excited to have Bella home for the holiday. Charlie was pacing anxiously and his nerves were starting to really wear thin on me. Carlisle took pity on me and took Charlie to his office to take care of some last minute paperwork and discharge instructions, leaving me alone with Bella.

"Are you ready to be out of here?" I asked her.

"I guess so. I'm…." she stopped there and looked out the window.

"Bella, you can tell me anything. What were you about to say?" I asked, taking her hand in mine and squeezing it lightly in reassurance.

"It's just, leaving here, going … home … with Charlie. I don't know how to … be … around him," she said hesitantly.

"Bella, look at me," I said quietly and she turned her head so her eyes could meet mine. "You don't have to _be_ anything. He isn't expecting you to act like before. Charlie loves you and he just wants to be there for you right now. He wants to take care of you." She just nodded and went back to staring out the window.

Her hand never left mine.

Alice flitted in after a few minutes and made one last sweep of the room to make sure everything had been packed up. Bella was clutching Bentley and her scrapbook to her side. Every week Edward had brought different, usually exotic, flowers to Bella. She and Alice carefully pressed one flower from each bouquet for her scrapbook.

The plan was for Charlie to take Bella home in the cruiser and Alice, Emmett, Edward and I would get the things she had accumulated during her stay, mostly thanks to Alice, and follow in Emmett's jeep. Emmett wouldn't help bring things in to Bella's house as she was still made nervous by his size.

I worried about leaving her alone with Charlie. She hadn't really been alone with a man since it happened. In the hospital there were always people just a few feet away. I wasn't sure how she would react.

Carlisle and Charlie returned as Alice headed down to take the suitcases to the jeep.

"Bella, do you have any questions or concerns about going home?" Carlisle asked, maintaining his distance from Bella. She never turned from the window, merely shook her head. "OK, well let's get you released then!" Carlisle nodded to me to help Bella since she would have to be taken out in a wheelchair due to hospital policy. I was as gentle as possible as I lifted her from her bed. Charlie waited until she was seated in the chair before grabbing the pillows from the bed. I would be back up with Emmett and Edward in a few minutes to get the rest of Bella's things. I followed Carlisle, who carried Bella's new hand crutches, out of the hospital and down to the waiting cruiser.

**EPOV**

I lingered in Bella's hospital room while Emmett and Jasper took the first load of her things down to the waiting jeep. Her scent permeated the room and I couldn't help but run my fingers over her comforter. It was still slightly warm from her body. I missed her so much. Physically, she was present and I could even sit near her now without her breaking down but the light was gone from her eyes. She was just going through the motions everyday. I didn't need Jasper's gift to know that she felt nothing. I've been there too.

It made my heart ache to see Bella now. I knew the eternal darkness of existence that Bella was in now. It can't even be described as life really, because it's just breathing and surviving one moment to the next. She deserved so much better than that. I sank down on her bed and buried my head in my hands. I didn't know what to do to help this broken girl I loved so much but couldn't even speak to. The pain was overwhelming and I started to gasp the unneeded air into my lungs. I started to shake from the exertion as I felt a large arm come around me.

Emmett didn't say anything, just waited out the storm. Jasper stood in the doorway.

"She hurts so much, Emmett. How could someone do that to her?" I said, in barely a whisper. "How can people do so much damage to one another? She was innocent."

"I don't know. And I've asked myself that question a lot since meeting Rosie," he admitted.

"I want to help her. I want her to smile again and mean it. She should be full of light and joy instead of this suffocating darkness that never seems to end. She deserves so much better than life has given her. I want to do that for her. I want to make her smile…" My eyes were dry, as always, but I raged against that fact. Bella deserved my tears and I couldn't give them to her. Such a simple thing that was forever denied, the ability to cry for the pain of my love.

Jasper moved toward me then, and kneeled down in front of me, trying to look me in the eye.

"Edward, you will help her. You are helping her. She needs to believe that you won't give up on her and that you won't walk away. You are doing everything right. I know it doesn't feel like much, but please, trust me," he pleaded with me in a low tone. I nodded and tried to pull myself together, slightly embarrassed at having fallen apart in front of my brothers.

"Thanks."

Emmett clapped me on the back. "No sweat! I can't tell you the number of times I broke down to Carlisle about Rosie in the early years."

With the moment over, we went back to gathering Bella's things and loading them into the jeep.

**APOV**

It took Bella quite a while to manage the stairs once we reached her home since she was determined to do it herself. I was excited to get her upstairs to see what Edward had left for her as a welcome home gift!

Once she was settled on her bed with Bentley (both of them wearing jeans and black t-shirts today with black shoes), I retrieved the first part of her gift from her desk: two pages for her scrapbook.

"Bella, Edward left these here for you." As always, hearing Edward's name got her attention immediately. Her eyes fell to my hands and the pages as I gave them to her.

The first was golden, and had the words of the first song he had chosen for her carefully printed on it in Edward's handwriting in black. He had sketched their hands, linked together, across the bottom of the page. It was dated the day she woke up. Bella's shaking fingers traced the drawing as she stared at it.

"Edward did this for me?" she asked, disbelieving. I smiled as a tear fell from one eye. It was the first sign of genuine emotion from Bella in weeks. She didn't even blush anymore.

"Yes, he did." Bella continued to stare at the page for a few moments more, and then looked at the second.

It was a deep purple, and again it was printed by Edward, this time in silver ink. The words to the second song he chose for her scrolled gracefully across the page. In the bottom corner, he had drawn the first flowers he brought Bella in the hospital after the disastrous white rose incident. It was also dated the day she woke up.

"Alice, can you hand me the scrapbook please?" she asked, and I had it ready and waiting for her. She carefully disassembled it and put the pages in the very front of the book.

"He left these for you as well," I said, motioning to the flowers on her bedside table. Today's had six petals each and they were long and narrow, with deep purple centers that faded to light blue on the outside. The flowers were bunched around a stalk, dozens on each. Edward had placed three stalks of the flowers in a vase for Bella. They were lovely.

Bella's eyes widened as she took in the beautiful flowers, her hands still resting on the pages of the scrapbook.

"Why?" she asked.

"Why what?"

"Why would he spend so much time doing something like this for me?" She genuinely looked confused. I sat down on the bed beside her and sighed.

"Bella, you know he cares for you, that we all care for you right?" She nodded. "Then why wouldn't he want to do things that show you that?" I could see her thinking about what I had said. "Want me to help you get ready for bed?"

"Actually, I think I need some time alone Alice. Thanks though." I kissed her quickly on the cheek before slipping out her door and closing it behind me. I found Charlie pacing in the living room.

"Alice, what do I do now?" He looked close to frantic. I laughed.

"First Charlie, breathe. Just give her some time. She's still your little girl, I promise. Did Carlisle go over the suggestions the counselor made with you?" He nodded. "Then you will be OK. I'll be back in the morning, or Jasper will." I kissed him on the cheek too, which made him blush and start to stammer. It was adorable and I couldn't help laughing at him again.

I hopped into my car, which I had left at the house that morning knowing I would need it later, and drove home feeling quite optimistic. Yes, Bella's future was still fairly foggy. She wasn't making any decisions really. Just moving with instinct. But I was hopeful that she would come around. I could still see the vision that was the cause of my positive attitude.

_Bella and Edward, sitting in his room. They weren't touching, but with the looks on their faces they didn't need to be. A specific song came on and Bella looked as though she was deciding something. Slowly she reached for Edward's hand and his eyes widened in surprise. She pulled him up so they were standing, staring into each other's eyes, as she slid into his arms. They started to dance, moving with the music that was so appropriate to their situation. Bella looked completely content as Edward rested his cheek on the top of her head and Edward … his eyes shone with love and utter peace. _

It was easily the most beautiful vision I had ever had, even more so than the vision I had of Jasper and my wedding so long ago. It was such a strong, clear vision that I had no doubt it would come to pass.

I was just stepping into the house when a second vision hit me.

_Bella was sitting on the edge of her bathtub, thinking. Something sharp was in her hands._

The vision ended there so I knew she hadn't made a decision yet but time was short and something was very wrong.

"CARLISLE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs as I turned and dashed for my car again. Carlisle had his bag in hand and was right behind me, as was Edward. Jasper looked frightened.

"No, Jasper, you have to stay here. I'll call you when you can come," I shouted to my husband as I ran. We had to get there in time. As we sped toward Bella's house I kept looking for her future but there was nothing. It was blank.

We pulled into Bella's driveway and I knew as soon as I opened the car door we were too late. I could smell her blood. Edward stopped breathing as soon as we opened the door to her house, trying to appear human because Charlie was home and awake, but there was no time to explain as the three of us ran upstairs, Carlisle leading this time. He threw open the door to the bathroom.

I'll never forget what I saw then, though I knew I would wish I could. Bella's head was down, her hair covering her face. She sat on the side of the bathtub, just as she had in my vision, only this time there were cuts, one running from her forearm to her wrist on each arm. Blood had welled up from them and was dripping down her hands onto the floor, where two pools of red had already formed against the white tile floor. I gasped at the sight, and Bella looked up at us with lifeless eyes.

Her next words shook me to the depths of my soul.

"Shouldn't this hurt? Shouldn't I feel … something?"

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**_If you are ever feeling suicidal please, call the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255. It's free and someone is available 24/7. You can also call if someone you know is considering suicide.  
Life is precious._**


	11. Beginning Again

_**If you are ever feeling suicidal please, call the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255. It's free and someone is available 24/7. You can also call if someone you know is considering suicide.  
Life is precious.**_

* * *

**A/N – Voting for the first round of the Indy's starts today! Please take a moment and vote for Broken in the Best AU Work in Progress category. Link is on my profile. **

**I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

"_Shouldn't this hurt? Shouldn't I feel … something?"_

**APOV**

We all froze for half a second, staring at the scene in front of us, before springing into action.

"Edward, go downstairs and explain to Charlie what has happened. Come up with some story as to how we knew about it before he did. I don't care what you tell him. Then call the hospital and tell them to prep Trauma 1 for me," Carlisle commanded. Edward didn't even think of protesting as he ran back down the stairs to talk to Charlie. Time was of the essence and he knew it.

Carlisle grabbed his bag as Bella watched, listless. He handed me a bandage so I could apply pressure on her right wrist as he worked on her left.

"Alice, be careful not to break her wrist but apply as much pressure as you safely can. We have to slow the bleeding." I nodded and stopped breathing. The scent of blood in the room was just too much. We would have to change before going home. Quickly I wrapped the bandage around Bella's wrist and applied pressure. Carlisle did the same before lifting Bella gently in his arms. She must have been close to unconsciousness because she didn't protest a man picking her up. I walked backwards, holding on to both of her wrists as Carlisle carried her down the stairs and into the waiting car, keeping Bella on his lap. I climbed into the backseat with the two of them so I didn't have to release the pressure on her wounds. Edward was already in the driver's seat with the engine running and Charlie by his side, looking panicked. We sped off to the hospital as fast as Edward could drive.

The car had barely stopped before Carlisle was out and running towards the emergency room, Bella cradled in his arms.

"All of you stay in the waiting room. I'll send someone for you when I know anything." And with that said, Carlisle disappeared behind the swinging doors, leaving the three of us to console one another.

**EPOV**

Part of my brain was screaming "WHY?" as the rest of it was running through my medical training trying to see what kind of chance Bella would have. The sound of Charlie's broken sobs broke through my reverie. My eyes widened as I listened to his thoughts.

_My poor baby girl… I can't help her through this. What am I going to do now? What kind of father can't help his child when she is in trouble? Where can I turn to for help? Thank God for the Cullens…_

His mental voice trailed off and I was in shock. I had told Charlie that Bella had called Alice just before cutting her wrists and that was how we knew what had happened. He had no trouble believing it. What would the next step for Bella be if she survived this attempt on her life? She obviously couldn't go back to Charlie's. She needed to be somewhere people could be with her and keep an eye on her twenty-four hours a day and where there was help available to her emotionally as well. An inpatient psychiatric center was one option but I didn't think Bella would handle the number of men that are usually around in places like that. A plan started to form in my mind and Alice's eyes flashed to mine.

_That's brilliant, Edward. _

She nodded to me and started making mental preparations to carryout my plan. The doors behind us opened to reveal Esme, carrying Bentley.

"Charlie I hope you don't mind but I cleaned up your bathroom when I went to get Bentley. I knew Bella would want him," she explained. Charlie's thoughts were nothing but grateful.

"I appreciate it Mrs. Cullen," he responded quietly. His face was drawn and pinched, and he looked defeated. "I don't know how to help her now," he admitted. Esme sat down in the chair next to him and took his hand in hers.

"Please call me Esme. We are all here to support you and Bella in any way possible. We will help you both through this, I promise."

Under my breath, too low for Charlie to hear, I was explaining my plan to Esme. I knew she would agree.

Just then Carlisle came in, dressed in scrubs since blood had been spattered on his other clothes. Bella's blood…

"She's going to be fine. I stitched the wounds closed and she had to be given a transfusion but she will recover physically. I would like to keep her here overnight though, just to monitor her. I've also sedated her. She won't wake before the morning," he explained, before any of us could ask. Relief nearly overwhelmed me.

Charlie took a deep breath, steadying himself to make an admission he never thought he would as a parent. "Carlisle, I think Bella needs more help than I can give her now." Carlisle nodded.

"I tend to agree. She was only released from the hospital this morning. There are, of course, inpatient psychiatric facilities but I worry that it may not be the most conducive environment for Bella."

"I trust your judgment but what other options are there?" Charlie asked, defeat in his voice.

Esme spoke up. "Charlie, what if Bella came to stay with us? I am home all day and could be with her. Jasper, my son that Bella is so taken with and trusts, is also home much of the time. He was to start college this fall but chose to wait a year until Alice could go with him." Her eyes pleaded with Charlie to agree.

"I couldn't possibly impose on you like that. You and your family have done so much for us already," Charlie said slowly, though I could hear the idea gaining momentum in his mind.

"Please, Charlie, it is no imposition at all. I would even be more than willing to take a temporary leave of absence from the hospital to oversee Bella's care in my home," Carlisle added. Charlie was overwhelmed. He thought it over.

"If it's really no imposition, I think that might be for the best," he said, so softly a human would have had a difficult time hearing him. As much as it pained him to admit he couldn't care for his daughter and to depend on others to do so for him, he wanted what was best for Bella and couldn't pass up the opportunity to get her the best help available. Plus, this would keep her close by.

"Charlie, would it be alright if I went to your house to get some of Bella's things?" Alice asked quietly, not wanting to upset Charlie any further. He nodded his assent and she left quickly.

**APOV**

I searched the future to see what would happen with Bella. Her immediate future was still cloudy but the vision of her and Edward dancing was still as clear as it had been the moment I saw it. I just had to keep believing. Besides, I'm Alice! I pulled my cell phone from my pocket to call Jasper, who was probably beside himself with worry. I felt bad making him stay home but it would not have ended well had Jasper been exposed to that much of Bella's blood. He answered on the first ring.

"Alice? What happened? Is Bella alright?" Poor Jasper sounded nearly frantic.

"She's not alright, but I'm hoping, with our help, she will be. She slit her wrists, Jazzy." I heard his sharp intake of breath over the phone lines. He didn't say anything. "She's going to be in the hospital overnight and then tomorrow she's coming home with us. Can you and Emmett clean out the guest room on the second floor for her? The one that is across from our room and Emmett and Rosalie's would be perfect. It has an attached bathroom so she will have some privacy," I continued, thinking out loud. "What can we do to make the room comfortable for her?" I asked him, knowing he needed something to do.

He thought for a moment before replying. "Don't decorate it at all. For now, just a bed frame and a small dresser will suffice. Letting her decorate it herself will give her control over something, which she probably needs. Most PTSD sufferers feel out of control of their emotions so giving them complete autonomy over other things helps regain balance. We can stock the bathroom with the things we already know she uses. I'll get Emmett to help me clear the room."

"Jasper…" I paused, waiting for the right words to form in my mind. "I love you so much. I can't imagine my life without you. You are, without a doubt, the best thing that has ever happened to me." My voice, had it been able to, would have cracked with the emotions I was feeling. Nearly losing Bella was making me realize just how much I loved each member of my family and I would never forget to tell them again.

"You are my soul," he replied, before hanging up to recruit Emmett into helping prepare for Bella's arrival tomorrow.

**EPOV**

Charlie wanted to sit with Bella so Carlisle had led him to her room, leaving Esme and myself alone in the waiting room. I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that Bella had tried to take her own life. How had I failed her so badly? How had we all missed the signs? I heard her words over and over again in my mind, haunting me…torturing me. They drowned out the thoughts of every person around me until all I could hear was her small, broken voice asking if she should hurt. I shuddered with the memory.

Esme moved to sit beside me and wrapped her arms around me. Never in recent memory had I needed my mother more. I leaned my head on her shoulder, trying to absorb the love I knew she felt for me.

"Mom, what do we do now?" I asked in a small voice, feeling much like a child. It didn't use to be very often that I didn't know the right course of action to take but that was all I had felt since Bella was attacked all those long months ago. She kissed my forehead before replying.

"We love her. We take care of her. We listen. It's all we can do. The rest really is up to her."

"Will she ever be Bella again?" I whispered.

"She won't be the same Bella but I have to hope that she can recover from this. I won't give up on her. Remember what she asked you, Edward. She pleaded with you not to give up on her either. I know it's difficult, but you have to have faith," she replied. With a sigh she rested her head on mine and we waited for Carlisle to return.

When he did, he sat next to Esme and took her hand. Neither Esme nor I moved from our positions, since I still needed the comfort of my mother.

"I've made the arrangements to take an indefinite leave of absence from the hospital. I let them know I would be available for a few hours a week to consult in case there is a need or an emergency. Bella should be ready to be released tomorrow afternoon," he said in a weary voice. "I trust Alice is getting everything ready at home for Bella's arrival?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "Of course she is. Alice is nothing if not efficient."

Esme and I pretended to sleep in the waiting room while Carlisle went to his office to try and clear his desk now that he would not be in as often. We waited for the sun to rise. My eyes flew open as I realized that I needed to have specific flowers waiting for Bella at home in her room. I flipped open my cell phone to call Alice. A text message buzzed before I had the chance to hit send. It was from Alice.

_Already on it!_

I loved Alice.

Just then Charlie appeared, looking as though he hadn't slept at all.

"I need to get to the station. Bella's awake, and I let her know the plans. She didn't react, so I'm not sure how she feels about it," he said. Esme rose at once to go to Bella. I stayed to try and reassure Charlie.

"My parents will take excellent care of Bella, sir," I told him. He nodded once before leaving. I followed in Esme's wake to Bella's room. I needed to see with my own eyes that she was alright.

I knocked and waited for Esme's invitation before entering Bella's room. She was pale, nearly as much as the white bandages that encased both of her forearms from her wrist to her elbow. The faint smell of dried blood was in the air but it was not uncomfortable. I smiled at her and her eyes seemed to lighten slightly, though she didn't smile back. Esme had carefully taken Bella's hand and was stroking her hair as she talked to her.

"Bella, did Charlie tell you about you coming to stay with us for a little while?" she asked gently, trying not to frighten Bella, who nodded as she stared at Bentley. "What do you think about that?" Bella didn't respond. I met her eyes over Bella's head and silently urged her to continue.

"We have a lovely room for you, with your own bathroom. You can decorate it any way you like and Alice will help you. Jasper is out of school now so he can be there when you need him. I work from home so I'll be there as well. Carlisle will be able to help you with your physical therapy. We all just want to support you, dear. Will you let us?"

Bella finally looked up, tears streaming from her eyes.

"Can you help me?" she whispered, and my heart broke for her all over again. She looked so scared. Apparently the numbness that had encompassed her since her second day of waking had disappeared, at least for now. Esme sat on the bed and gathered Bella into her arms.

"Oh sweetheart, we are going to do everything in our power to help you." Esme rocked Bella as she cried. I longed to be the one to hold her but I knew that Bella wasn't ready for that yet. I settled for sitting beside her bed, so she knew I was there for her as well.

It wasn't long before Alice returned with clothes for Bella to go home in as well as Bentley's outfit for the day: simple jeans and a black cotton t-shirt, so as not to rub on her wounds, and black ballet flats. For the second day in a row we were taking Bella home from the hospital. Only this time, she was going to a new home. Carlisle drove his Mercedes so that Bella would be as comfortable as possible. Alice and Esme rode in back with her and I was in the passenger seat. She didn't say anything the entire ride home. I was so worried about her I thought I might jump out of my skin. Carlisle noticed.

_Give her time, Edward. She isn't going to recover from any of this overnight, but she will recover. We will see to it._

When we arrived back at the house, Jasper was waiting on the steps for Bella. Carlisle and I kept our distance so Alice, Esme and Jasper helped Bella out of the car and up to her new room. Jasper was carrying Bella, since her new wounds made using her hand crutches impossible. She would continue with physical therapy, but walking was going to be out of the question until her arms healed enough.

As Jasper carried her through the house, Alice pointed out the different rooms, giving Bella a tour of her new home.

"This is the kitchen. We've never really had much use for it but Esme is looking forward to cooking for you! We keep food in the house, of course, to keep up appearances, so you will have a good selection." No response from Bella.

They continued up to the second floor, where three bedrooms with attached bathrooms were located, including Bella's new room. "This is Jasper's and my room, and next door is Emmett and Rosalie. You're right across the hall from us, in case you need anything. Edward's room as well as Carlisle and Esme's are upstairs on the third floor."

"And this is your room!" I could hear Alice open the door and Jasper move into Bella's new bedroom. "We didn't do much with it because I was hoping you would want to decorate and choose your own furniture. I left that wall blank so we could maybe cover it with bookcases. I know you love to read. I went by your house last night and packed your clothes, Bentley's clothes and some other things. If I missed anything we can always go back for it."

I was picturing the room in my mind. It was large, with a fireplace at one end and a walk in closet on the other. As with all bedrooms on that side of the house, one wall was entirely made of windows. The bathroom connected through the door next to the closet. We had emptied the room of all furniture except for a bed, a small dresser, and a bedside table. Even the bedding was unremarkable: a pale mint green with white accents. I knew Alice had placed my latest flower selections for Bella on the table next to the lamp. The flowers had five petals, each shaped like hearts. They were a lovely shade of pink except for the base of each petal, which was white. The petals ringed a yellow center. Bella must have been looking at them.

"Those are from Edward," Alice told her and I smiled. "We will have to press one of them later."

_She looks tired, Edward. We're going to let her rest for a while. Don't worry, there's nothing sharp in the room._

I could hear rustling and knew Jasper was settling Bella and Bentley on the bed.

"We'll let you rest now Bella. If you need anything, please ask and we'll hear you. It's one of the vampire perks!" I rolled my eyes at Alice's comment.

_I saw that Edward!_

I couldn't help but chuckle at that.

I could hear Bella moving but wasn't sure what she was doing until Jasper spoke.

"Would you like me to stay with you?" he asked.

"Please," she whispered. Jasper sat next to her on the bed as Alice left, shutting the door behind her.

By now the rest of the family had silently joined me in the living room. We all looked at one another and I could tell from everyone's thoughts that they were wondering how this would work. Carlisle was the first to speak.

"Not now. Family meeting tonight after Bella is asleep," he said, too low for Bella's ears to pick up.

**JPOV**

Alice and I were about to leave Bella to rest when she grabbed my hand. I could feel her panic, the first clear emotion I had gotten from her since the day after she woke up.

"Would you like me to stay with you?" I asked.

"Please," she whispered. Without dropping her hand I settled next to her on the bed. I watched her face carefully to make sure she was comfortable with where I was but I saw no indication of fear. Her panic started to subside.

We had gotten her a queen-sized bed for the room, knowing she would swim in anything else, but the bed still dwarfed her size. She was curled on her side around Bentley, holding my right hand in hers. She stared straight ahead, looking at nothing in particular. Tears started to run down her face and her pain rained down all around me. I wanted to offer her more comfort but wasn't sure what she would accept from me. Slowly, I started running my hands over her hair the way I had seen Esme do. Her tears didn't slow, but her eyes drifted closed.

Her breathing slowly evened out into sleep but I continued to stroke her hair and hold her hand. Her tears never stopped.

After a while Alice slipped back into the room with a soft green throw to cover Bella with. She was starting to shiver.

"Let her sleep for another hour, and then we need to wake her so she can eat something. Esme's downstairs looking through cookbooks," she whispered with a smile. I smiled back at the image of Esme trying to figure out how to cook human food.

"Maybe something simple tonight would be best. Aren't soup and sandwiches supposed to be comfort foods?" I asked, having remembered hearing something to that effect once. She smiled at me and ran her fingers through my hair. I felt her pride in me and her love for me radiating from her and I sighed, resting my head on her hand. It was a welcome break from the pain Bella experienced.

I felt Alice lean forward and kiss me softly, before going back downstairs to suggest my menu to Esme. I waited with Bella for the hour to be up so she could eat, all the while running through ways to help her adjust to life here. The hour flew by and it was time to wake Bella but I had a dilemma. With her sleeping her subconscious was more susceptible to reminders of her trauma. Would she panic if I spoke to her? Alice must have seen my concern because she entered the room then. I sent her a wave of gratitude. I didn't want to push Bella's boundaries. Not yet, anyway.

Alice danced over to the bed with her lithe footsteps before speaking.

"Bella, it's time to wake up. You need to eat dinner," she said, causing Bella to stir and open her eyes. She looked up at me and I could feel her confusion.

"You stayed?" she asked, sounding surprised. I smiled at her.

"I promised you that I would," I responded.

"Don't you get tired?" she asked, causing me to laugh.

"Bella, you told Esme that you know what we are right?" She nodded. "We don't get tired." At that her eyes widened.

"You don't sleep?"

"No, it's not necessary for us. It comes in handy actually, though sometimes the escape would be welcome," I said. I felt the strangest sense of … relief? That confused me. Why would Bella be relieved that we never sleep? I made a mental note to ask her later. "I'm sure you have a lot of questions and I promise to answer them for you but first you need to eat. Would you like to eat here or come downstairs?" She thought for a moment before answering.

"Here please." I nodded.

"I'll be right back. Will you be ok here for a few minutes?" I asked her.

"I'll stay with her, Jazzy!" Alice said. I knew she had been wanting some time with Bella. I didn't feel any uncomfortable feelings from Bella so I nodded, and slipped from the room. I made my way downstairs to find both Esme and Carlisle in the kitchen, debating the merits of different sandwich styles. I couldn't help myself and burst out laughing at the two of them. They looked so serious! Esme smiled with me, her amusement with the situation rising within her. Carlisle looked at me with mock indignation.

"I'll have you know Jasper, that human nutrition is very important to the healing process!" I just laughed harder at him. Finally he gave in and joined Esme and I in our laughter, causing a lovely feeling of mirth within me. Moments like this I loved being an empath.

"Why don't we cut up some of the more common vegetables and arrange them on a tray. That way Bella can decide what she would like on her sandwich and we don't accidentally put something on there she doesn't like or is allergic to," I suggested. Since the idea made sense, the Carlisle and I started slicing the various vegetables as Esme made some soup to round out the meal. After arranging everything on the tray and adding a glass of water (I was worried about Bella being dehydrated after her long hours of crying), I headed back up to Bella's room.

I found Alice sitting next to Bella talking about the decorating possibilities for the room. To my intense surprise, I felt interest from Bella in the project. I raised an eyebrow at Alice, who merely smirked at me.

"Dinner, Bella. We didn't know what exactly you liked on your sandwich so I brought you a selection," I said, trying to explain the mound of different vegetables and sauces on the tray.

"You didn't have to go through so much trouble," she responded.

"It was no trouble at all," I said, trying to reassure her as I set the tray next to her. She hesitantly took the sandwich and quickly added mayonnaise, mustard, tomatoes, lettuce and pickles. It smelled revolting to me but she seemed to enjoy it, as well as the soup. I encouraged her to drink all of the water as well.

Once she had eaten, Alice took the tray back downstairs after commenting that she would be right back. I knew that meant she didn't want me to start answering questions for Bella until she got back. Bella was sitting on the bed with her back against the wall, her arms wrapped around her knees. She looked so fragile and lost.

When Alice re-entered the room, Bella looked as though she wanted to ask her something. I nodded at her, so as to indicate it would be fine.

"Alice," she started shyly. "Did you bring over my CD's from Charlie's?" Alice smiled at her.

"Sure I did. I put them in your bedside table." Bella didn't respond, offering no explanation for her question.

"Bella," I started, redirecting her attention back to me. "Do you want to ask me and Alice anything?" Immediately I could see dozens of questions in her eyes so we waited while she decided what to ask first.

"What happens now?" she asked. It wasn't the question I expected.

"What do you mean?" I responded.

"What do I do now that I'm living with you?" Bella's question made me pause. We hadn't spoken as a family yet so I wasn't sure what answer to give.

I finally settled for, "Let's not worry about that tonight. We can talk about it tomorrow morning after you've had some rest. But don't worry; we are going to help you through this." She seemed reassured by my answer and relaxed slightly. She hesitated before asking her next question.

"With…what you are… won't it be… difficult…having me here?" she asked slowly, pausing as she tried to think of the best way to phrase her question. Alice smiled at her before answering.

"Not really. We've all been living among humans for a long time. It's more difficult sometimes than others but it will be fine. Besides, we only hunt animals." Bella thought this over before continuing.

"That makes sense, I guess."

Suddenly I thought of the question I wanted to ask her. "Why were you relieved when I told you that our kind doesn't sleep?"

She looked surprised, and I remembered that we hadn't explained the special gifts of some of our family members.

"How did you know that I was relieved?" she asked suspiciously. I wasn't sure how exactly to explain this to her. Thankfully Alice took the initiative.

"Some of us have certain gifts. Jasper can feel your emotions and manipulate them," Bella's eyes took on a calculating light that I didn't like.

"Manipulate, like change?" she asked, and I nodded slowly, not liking the direction this was taking. "Then you can make me feel better, right?" I sighed, and reached for her hand.

"Bella, I would like nothing better than to change how you feel and bring you happiness, but I can't do that. It wouldn't be real. You need to find that again for yourself," I explained gently. Bella's eyes welled up and tears covered her cheeks.

"What if I can't?"

I didn't say anything, not wanting to make false promises to her. I just held her hand as Alice wrapped her arms around Bella's now shaking frame. Once her tears had subsided Bella was visibly exhausted.

"We should let you get some sleep. We can talk more about this in the morning, alright?" I told her. "Alice will help you get ready for bed." She looked scared. "It's ok, Bella. I'll be here in the morning when you wake up. You need to rest now." I felt her tension ease and smiled at her before leaving the room and closing the door behind me to give them some privacy. Not long after I heard the shower turn on. I headed downstairs to the living room to wait for Alice to finish. We still needed to talk as a family and I could tell this was going to be a long night.

**EPOV**

We all sat around the living room waiting for Alice to finish getting Bella settled for the night. Bella seemed especially anxious so Alice stayed with her until she fell asleep. We all sighed in relief when we heard her breathing even out into a smooth rhythm and Alice's footsteps on the stairs. Carlisle took charge.

"The dining room would probably be the best place for this discussion," he said, and led the way, the rest of us following. He took his seat at the head of the table with Esme on his left and Jasper on his right. I sat next to Esme, with Emmett and Rosalie on my other side. Alice sat next to Jasper, of course. We waited for Carlisle to begin the discussion.

"Now that Bella is a part of this family we need to discuss our next steps. It won't be easy, and I need all of you to help, but I'm committed to helping Bella through this." He paused after that, giving each of us a moment to process. I was trying to block out the thoughts of my family, needing a moment.

Surprisingly, Emmett was the first to speak.

"I'm in. Whatever you need from me, you have it," he spoke quietly, his normal boisterous tone absent. I could hear the sincerity as his thoughts echoed his words and I smiled at him in gratitude.

"Me too," said Rosalie. "I need to do this for her."

"Of course, you already know my answer," said Jasper wryly.

Alice spoke up then. "I think I can safely speak for all of us when I say that we are in for as long as it takes. What now?"

Carlisle smiled in pride at his family before taking Esme's hand and continuing. "I've taken a leave of absence from the hospital so I can be here to oversee her care. Bella will need continuing physical therapy since her strength has been sapped by so long in bed. She isn't comfortable with me touching her so I'll need help."

"I'd like to help with that, if I may," said Rosalie. Carlisle nodded his assent. Rosalie had also been to medical school so she was a logical choice. I could hear in Carlisle's thoughts that he had hoped she would volunteer for this.

"Thank you," he told her. "Esme will be home all day to provide whatever support she needs. Edward and Alice, you need to keep up appearances by going to school during the day. I know you both want to help Bella but we can't ignore our obligation to our secret."

Emmett took the opportunity to speak up during the lull. "I think it would be best if I hung back for now and let her come to me when she's ready. I don't want to scare her."

"I agree, but I would like you to be around, even if not in the same room with Bella. I think it would be helpful for her to get used to your presence and it will help her rebuild some trust once she realizes that you won't hurt her. Besides, you gave her Bentley," Jasper commented, bringing a huge smile from Emmett. He was still very proud of that particular gift.

Carlisle turned his attention to Jasper then. "You know that you have the most difficult task ahead of you. Bella has bonded with you in a way that she hasn't with the rest of us and she depends on you. She is counting on you to be there for her." Jasper's eyes widened momentarily before resolve strengthened his shoulders.

"I can do this. I know I can do this," he said, his voice dripping with confidence.

Carlisle smiled. "I know you can too. And we will all be here for you as well. With your gift this will not be easy for you." Carlisle paused before going on. "You have the strongest background in counseling. What do we need to do for her?"

"First, no one should enter her room without permission unless, of course, we think she is hurt physically. She needs that to be a safe space for her. Second, we need to give her as much control as we can over anything we can. I already spoke to Alice about this and that's why her room is as sparse as it is. I'd like her to take initiative with Alice to decorate it as she sees fit. She can create her own haven. We should work to establish a routine for her. It seems silly, but knowing exactly what will happen and when each day will give her security and stability. No surprises, as they would undermine that. She should wake up at the same time each day; have meals at the same time, things like that. Also, I'd like to have actual sessions with her away from her room. My study will do nicely for that. I want to separate her bedroom from the things she and I talk about. She will probably need a place to recover after some of them…" Jasper trailed off, clearly not looking forward to having to push her in the future.

"We can set specific times for physical therapy during the day as well," Carlisle added as Rosalie nodded.

"Bella doesn't like to be in the center of attention or to be treated differently. For the time being, Alice and Edward, if anyone asks at school if they can visit, we need to deny it. As much as I wish I could say that people won't find out she's here, we all know that's unrealistic. Charlie should be her only visitor for now. I would add the therapist from the hospital, Sarah, but she didn't seem to make much of an impact on Bella in all the sessions she had with her. As for how we treat her, we shouldn't act like she is damaged beyond repair. Try not to overwhelm her, and respect her boundaries, but treat her normally. We shouldn't allow meals in her room after a few weeks. Once she gets settled, we can start encouraging her towards interacting more. She's been isolated for a long time now, eight months, so having a lot of people around can frighten her easily," Jasper continued.

I was left wondering what role I would play in helping her. I ached to help, needed to help. Jasper must have felt my longing.

"I'm sorry, Edward. Right now all I can ask of you is patience. I'd like you to continue to see her because she really does look forward to it. Keep doing what you have been doing with the flowers and music. It really does reach her in a way that no one else can. Give her time," he said, repeating the words that both Carlisle and Esme had told me. I could do that. I had nothing but time to wait for Bella. She was worth every minute and so much more. She was my eternity.

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**Reviews are love!**


	12. Therapy

**A/N - Voting for the first round of the Indy Awards ends tonight so make sure to vote for your favorites! Link on my profile. **

**Also, in the spirit of the Indys, I want to promote an amazing one-shot that is seriously under-appreciated. It's called Bless the Broken Roads by Inthemadhouse and it's so worth the read, especially for those of you who are Jasper Fans! I love it and I know you will too. It's in my favorites on my profile.**

** I don't own Twilight.**

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**JPOV**

Bella slept through the night, though not peacefully. We had long ago learned that she talked in her sleep and last night was no exception. It had been an especially trying night for Edward, since Bella had repeatedly cried in her sleep while saying his name over and over again. Alice had practically had to drag Edward to school by force. Finally Carlisle told him to go, and there was no arguing after that.

We had decided last night that 8:30 seemed to be a respectable wake-up time for Bella in the mornings. I was currently sitting with her as I had been for most of the night but Esme would be in to wake her in a few minutes and help her with getting ready for the day. We would explain the new schedule to Bella after breakfast. I was nervous about it. I knew that, in theory, this would provide desperately needed stability in Bella's life but I wanted guarantees. Normally this would be where Alice came in to let us know what would happen, but Bella's reactions were a little too unstable to predict at the moment.

I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't hear Esme come in. She smiled at me but headed straight for Bella and ran a hand over her head gently, so as not to startle her.

"Bella, it's time to wake up dear."

Hearing her voice caused Bella to stir and open her eyes. Given where I was sitting, the first thing she saw was me. Again I felt relief from her and realized she had never answered my question about that from the previous day. Well, we would have an actual therapy session today and I could ask her about it then.

"I thought I could help you get dressed this morning and then Carlisle wants to change your bandages before breakfast," Esme continued. Bella cringed at the thought of Carlisle touching her but nodded. Esme and I exchanged a look.

"I'll just wait downstairs," I said before leaving and closing the door behind me. Rosalie and Emmett were downstairs in the living room, Rose reading a book and Emmett playing video games. They looked up as I entered.

"So, day one…" said Emmett. I nodded and tried to muster up a sense of confidence. "It will work out, Jasper. It's just going to take time." I wasn't used to seeing this side of Emmett but I was grateful all the same. Upstairs we could hear Esme calling for Carlisle and him coming down from his office. Bella's fear when he entered the room washed over me and I took a steadying breath and tried to fight it off. Emmett looked at me knowingly and Rose just looked sad, her eyes drifting to the ceiling below Bella's room. I knew that this was bringing back painful memories for her. I reached for her hand and she took it gladly.

"I'm ok. I just need to help her," she said in a soft voice. I squeezed her hand before making my way into the kitchen to try and figure out what humans eat for breakfast. Carlisle had finished with Bella and Esme was carrying her downstairs.

Her emotions were a rollercoaster today. I almost wished for the fuzzy static of the past seven weeks. She was embarrassed and afraid now.

"Morning squirt!" said Emmett from the living room, not looking up from his video game. At least he said it in a quieter voice than usual. Small mercies. Esme carefully settled Bella into a chair at the kitchen table.

"What would you like for breakfast?" she asked with a smile. Bella was staring at the table and shrugged. "Would you like some scrambled eggs, fresh fruit, and milk?" The only response this prompted was another shrug from Bella. It was going to be a long day.

**EPOV**

I was still fuming that I had been forced to attend school today. What if Bella needed me? I was sulking and I knew it. Someone saying Bella's name caught my attention. I narrowed my eyes when I realized the voice was that of Lauren Mallory. She was talking to Jessica Stanley in the bathroom. There were several other girls in there as well that were pretending not to listen but, in actuality, were hanging on every word she said.

"_My mom said the Cullens brought her in Saturday night and she had slit her wrists. Dr. Cullen came running in to the ER and charged to the back. Edward and the little freak, Alice, were with Bella's dad in the waiting room. And get this; Chief Swan didn't take Bella home with him! He couldn't handle her anymore so the Cullens took her in like the messed up hobo that she is."_

I growled, debating what method would be best to rid the world of these two vapid wenches. Alice's voice caught my attention next.

_Edward Cullen, don't you even THINK about it! I see what you are planning and it wouldn't end well. Let me deal with them._

Jessica was talking now so I went back to eavesdropping on their conversation.

"_But I thought she was only home, like, a day?"_

"_She was! She had only been there a couple of hours before she did it. She was in a coma for all those months and the first thing she does when she gets home is try to kill herself. Nice life."_

The conversation continued but I knew that, if I allowed myself to keep listening, my urge to destroy those two would only get stronger until I couldn't resist. By the end of the day the entire school would know not only that Bella was living with us now, but also that she had tried to kill herself. I couldn't even protect her from the wagging tongues of teenagers. It was going to be a long day.

**JPOV**

Bella picked at her breakfast until I reminded her that she needed her strength. That got her to halfheartedly eat a few more bites before pushing her plate away. Esme took it immediately to the sink while I tried to think of the best way to broach the subject of her new schedule. Bella's voice interrupted my musings.

"Jasper…could you get Bentley for me?" she asked. I hadn't noticed that the pig was absent. Rosalie, having heard, walked in after only a few seconds holding Bella's beloved piggy. He was, naturally, dressed identically to Bella. Rosalie gently handed him to Bella.

"Thank you Rosalie," she whispered, not meeting the female vampire's eyes. Rosalie hesitated for a moment before gently kissing the top of Bella's head.

"You're welcome," she said before going back into the living room and Emmett.

Esme was apologetic. "Bella I'm so sorry. I should have realized you would want him with you." Still there was no response from Bella. I decided that blunt was probably the best tactic at this point.

"Bella, we've set up a schedule for you so you know how your days will go. Esme or I will wake you at 8:30, like today. Breakfast will be at 9:00, followed by physical therapy with Carlisle and Rosalie at 10:00 until 11:30. Lunch will be at noon. From 1:00 until 3:00 you will be with me. I'd like you to talk to me so I set aside some time for us every day. I'll tell you more about it then. After that you will have free time until dinner, which is at 5:00. After that is free time until you go to bed, ideally around 10:00." I felt incredibly stupid scheduling her day so much but she didn't respond. I did feel that curious sense of relief again from her though.

"Is Edward alright?" I heard her whisper.

"He's worried about you, of course," I answered. Esme looked like she wanted to speak but I shook my head at her.

"He shouldn't worry," was all she said. I let it go for now but made note to bring it up during her session.

"Will you do something for me Jasper?" she asked, her voice stronger.

"Of course," I answered.

"Can you take me to my room? I need to get something. If we have time before physical therapy that is…" she trailed off but I was happy to see she was accepting the schedule. I moved to her and lifted her carefully into my arms to carry her upstairs. It was both humbling and gratifying that I was the only male she was comfortable touching her. I carefully set her on her bed and waited to see what she needed. She reached into her bedside table and pulled out a thick book of CDs. She flipped through the pages until she found the one she was looking for. Pulling it out, she handed it to me.

"Could you put this one in Edward's CD player? It's a single so he'll know what track I mean for him…" I smiled at her.

"I'd be happy to. Do you want me to carry you to physical therapy or I could ask Rosalie to come and get you?" She flushed pink when I mentioned Rosalie.

"If you don't mind…" Instead of answering I lifted her up again and carried her back down to the first floor where the recreation room had been transformed into a physical therapy room for Bella. Emmett hadn't complained once about the loss of his playroom. Of course, I was pretty sure that Rosalie had made it worth his while. I left Bella in Rosalie and Carlisle's capable hands and returned to her bedroom to get the CD she had indicated.

It was by an artist I hadn't heard of before, which surprised me. I had no idea what the content of the song was and I itched to listen to it, too low for Bella to realize what I was doing. But that would be an invasion of her privacy. This was a message for Edward, not me, and I had to respect that. I did not the title of the single however; Patience. Smiling to myself I went to set it up in Edward's room.

**EPOV**

I was right; this was probably the longest day of my life. I had to listen to the thoughts and whispers about Bella all morning and now that it was lunchtime, there were more than the usual amount of stares directed at Alice and myself. It was maddening. Alice was trying to distract me by whispering soothing things but nothing helped. That is, nothing until Alice starting thinking about a vision she had had that morning of Bella.

_She was in her room with Jasper, holding on to a CD._

"_Could you put this one in Edward's CD player? It's a single so he'll know what track I mean for him…" _

The vision ended abruptly as Alice started translating the Declaration of Independence into Arabic in her mind. I growled in frustration.

"What? You don't want to ruin Bella's surprise for you, do you?" she asked, and I knew it was a rhetorical question. She smirked, knowing she had effectively distracted me.

I was still glaring at Alice when I felt a presence beside me. I turned to see Angela Webber.

"Hi, Edward," she said. "I… well I heard that Bella is staying with you all now and I was wondering… how is she?"

I could see nothing but concern in her eyes and nothing but kindness in her thoughts so I decided I could answer her.

"I don't know. But my parents are going to help her through this," I said.

"Thank you for taking care of her, Edward. I've been so worried but she wasn't allowed visitors in the hospital…" That was true. Carlisle and Charlie had agreed that no one other than our family and Bella's could visit because we didn't want the Forks gossipmongers to have access to her.

I smiled at Angela. "I'll let her know you were asking about her. She isn't ready for visitors yet." She nodded in understanding. We were distracted from our conversation by another voice.

"She's so messed up now. I don't think she will ever be _normal_ again. Not that she ever was in the first place. I saw her the night _it_ happened in Port Angeles and she was probably asking for it anyway." Lauren Mallory's nasal voice carried a little too well across the cafeteria. Alice and I weren't the only ones that heard and the room fell silent. She had the nerve to look smug. I started to stand, fighting the urge to dash over to her using vampire speed and drag her far away where no one would ever find her body, but a small black blur beat me to it.

Alice danced over to where Lauren was sitting. Lauren's mundane thoughts weren't afraid as they should have been. She was hoping for more gossip. Alice quirked her head at Lauren before speaking.

"You know, Lauren, you really shouldn't talk about Bella. She's been through a lot lately." Lauren snorted and Alice went in for the kill. "Let me rephrase that, if you talk about Bella again, I will make sure that every boy in this school, and the entire state for that matter, knows exactly what you have a prescription ointment for."

All the color drained from Lauren's face as she started to stammer. "You…how…not possible…" Alice smiled a malevolent smile at her.

"Don't test me."

My day just got a whole lot better.

**JPOV**

Carlisle and Rosalie decided to end physical therapy with Bella thirty minutes early so she could have a nap before lunch. I sensed their worry for her physical condition. Her arms would be healing for several weeks so she wasn't able to use her crutches. They also hurt her when she tried to support her weight with them so that was out of the question. They had to settle for leg exercises with her either lying down, sitting or supported by Rosalie, since Carlisle didn't want to have to touch her. She tired quickly so Rosalie carried her upstairs and tucked her in. Bella fell asleep almost instantly.

I hated to wake her but I knew that the schedule was important and that she needed to eat. While she was sleeping I had asked everyone else to leave the house during my session with her, to give her privacy. I wanted her to feel free to talk about anything she wanted to. Plus, I would be pushing her sometimes and I didn't need to feel anyone's emotions other than hers at those moments. Still cautious about waking her myself, I asked Esme to do so.

"Esme, would it be alright if I had lunch in my room today?" she asked once she had woken up. I sensed Esme's hesitation so I whispered loud enough that she could hear me that it was fine.

"Of course you can. I'll get your tray," Esme responded.

While Bella had lunch in her room I tried to calm down. This would be my first official therapy session with Bella. Actually, it would be my first official therapy session with any human. I had several PhD's in counseling and research psychology but I was still nervous. I felt Carlisle projecting his pride and confidence in me as he left with Esme and it helped me to relax. Emmett and Rose followed quickly after, leaving me alone with Bella. I steeled myself and knocked on her door.

"Come in," came her soft voice from inside.

"Are you ready for our session?" I asked her. I was pleased that no hint of my nerves showed in my voice.

"As I'll ever be I suppose. Will we talk here?" she asked and I shook my head.

"No, I'd like us to talk in my study. Can I carry you?" I wanted her permission before touching her. She nodded in acceptance and grabbed Bentley before I scooped her into my arms and carried her down the hall to my study. I had changed the layout a bit in anticipation of working with Bella. I still had my wall of books and my desk, but I had added a comfortable couch for her to sit or lay on as she desired. It was soft, and there were several pillows strewn about on it as well as a throw blanket in case she got cold. I gently set her down before pulling the chair from behind my desk to sit across from her. I hadn't brought a notepad, having perfect vampire recall. I hoped that it would make Bella more comfortable.

"I promised I would tell you what we would be doing for two hours each day. I want you to feel like you can trust me, and talk to me. So this space is going to be for you. I've asked everyone to leave the house every day while we are together so you can talk without worrying that anyone will overhear. I want you to feel free to talk about anything you want. I promise you we won't talk about these things outside of this room, and I won't talk about it to anyone else without your permission. Anything you say in here is safe. You can tell me anything, Bella. I just want to help." I waited for her response.

"I trust you, but I'm not sure I want to talk yet. Not about _that_, anyway," she said, not looking at me.

"That's ok. We can work up to it. Why don't we start with the question I asked you yesterday? Why were you relieved when I told you that my kind doesn't need to sleep?" I asked, determined to get an answer this time. She didn't respond so I waited. As the minutes dragged on she seemed to get more and more agitated.

"You aren't going to let this go, are you?" she said. I just smiled at her and continued to wait. She sighed. "Fine then… I was relieved because I don't want to be alone when I sleep and, since you all don't have to sleep, I don't have to worry about keeping you up."

I thought about that for a moment before replying. "Why would you worry about keeping us up?"

She still wouldn't look at me. "I'm an imposition."

"Why do you think that?" I had learned the technique of asking a question with a question from the very best. It's annoying for the patient, but incredibly effective.

"Why wouldn't I? Carlisle took a leave of absence and you are stuck with me. Emmett has to stay away from anyplace I am and Edward can't speak when I'm around. You have all had to change your lives for me, not to mention the temptation I present…" she trailed off. There was a war going on inside of me between the Jasper that wanted to remain a detached therapist and the Jasper that considered Bella a treasured sister that he wanted to hold and reassure. Before either of them could win, Bella spoke again.

"Maybe you should just kill me and get it over with." Her voice had no infection, no tone to it. It was eerie in its emptiness. Brother Jasper won for a moment.

"Bella, look at me," I waited until her eyes met mine. They were full of tears. "No one is going to kill you. We are here to help you, but you have to let us sweetheart. You have to try," I pleaded with her. She lay down on the couch, holding on to Bentley as she fought the tears. I decided to change tactics.

"Why were you relieved when I told you about your new schedule?" I felt a flash of embarrassment coming from her now and she blushed. I just waited.

"I just… it's that…"

"Take your time, it's ok," I said reassuringly.

"It's … nice… not having to think about what to do all day." I could understand that.

"Is there anything you would like to be doing?"

"I don't know how to answer that."

"What would you have done before?" The question caused her eyes to fill with tears once more. I was feeling very guilty for making her cry but I knew that all of this would help her in the end.

"I barely remember the girl from before, much less what she would have been doing."

That was unexpected.

"So you see yourself as a different person?"

"Yes."

"What's changed to make you think that?"

"Everything."

Ok, she was talking to me but we weren't getting anywhere. I had to think of a different strategy.

"Let's try something. Clear your mind for me. I will say a word and I want you to say the very first thing that pops into your mind, alright?" She nodded at me.

"Green," I wanted to start with something easy.

"Forks."

"Water."

"River," she said with a small smile and I made a mental note to ask about that later.

"Ship."

"Sail."

"Window."

"Exposed." I didn't expect that one and made another mental note.

"Friendly."

"Emmett," she said, smiling again.

"Death," I said, dreading her answer already.

"Relief."

"Salt."

"Shaker."

"Bird."

"Fly."

"Book."

"Escape." I thought I knew the reason behind that answer.

"Evil."

"Lives," she whispered.

We went on like this for several minutes, with me making note of her more unusual associations. For 'stupid', she responded 'Bella'; 'flowers' she responded 'Edward' and smiled; and she didn't respond at all to 'sin', 'sympathy' and 'to fear'. Our time was quickly ending for the day and I knew the others were anxious to return home so I decided that was enough for now.

"I have homework for you. Alice made sure to bring the journal that I got you while you were in the hospital. Have you written in it at all?" I asked, already knowing that she hadn't.

"No."

"I'd like you to write in it every day. It can be about anything; how you are feeling, what you think, even the weather if you can't think of anything else. Just go with whatever you feel like writing. And you don't have to tell me about what you've written unless you would like to, however, I will ask you if you are writing," I told her. She seemed to accept this easily enough. "Everyone will be home soon. Would you like to go back to your room or downstairs?"

"My room, if you don't mind," she answered. She had hardly looked at me the entire session. I felt like I had a solid place to start now though. I was debating where to go with tomorrow's session as I carried her back to her room. Brother Jasper won again when I went to leave the room because I couldn't help but place a kiss on her forehead. I could smell the salt in the air as she started to cry again. I gave in this time to my instincts and wrapped my arms around her.

"I'll help you through this. I promise."

**EPOV**

School had been out for forty-five minutes but Jasper had decreed that no one come home before three since he and Bella would be having a session and needed privacy. I was pacing the school parking lot counting down the minutes before Alice and I could go home. Alice, of course, was perfectly calm, sitting in the car flipping through the latest Vogue.

"It's time Edward! We can go now," she finally said and I was in the car with the engine running before she finished the sentence. I drove faster than I usually did as I was so anxious to find out what song Bella had left for me. I never thought she would reciprocate my messages of music with one of her own.

We arrived at the house at the same time as the others, all of whom were just as anxious to see how Bella's first session with Jasper had gone. When we walked in we could hear her crying in her room. My first instinct was anger at Jasper for whatever he had done to make her cry. I tried to beat it back, knowing it probably wasn't Jasper's fault. I felt him send calming waves at me and I was grateful. Esme and Alice headed for Bella's room and I kept going up to my own. I wanted to see what message Bella had left for me.

For some reason I hesitated before pressing play on my elaborate stereo system. I wasn't sure what message I wanted it to be. Finally I worked up the courage and the music filled the room.

It wasn't a song or an artist that I was familiar with, in itself an oddity. I blocked out the thoughts of my family and the sounds around me and just listened to the lyrics and what Bella was trying to tell me.

_Just have a little patience, _

_I'm still hurting from a love I lost _

_I'm feeling your frustration _

_But in a minute all the pain will stop _

_Just hold me close, inside, your arms, tonight _

_Don't be too hard to on my emotions_

_Cause I need time, _

_My heart is numb has no feeling _

_So while I'm still healing _

_Just try to have a little patience _

_I really want to start over again _

_I know you wanna be my salvation, _

_The one I can always depend _

_I tried to be strong, believe me _

_I'm trying to move on, _

_It's complicated but understand me, _

_Cause I need time, _

_My heart is numb, has no feeling _

_So while I'm still healing _

_Just try to have a little patience_

_Have a little patience_

_Cause the scars run so deep _

_It's been hard but I have to believe _

_That you'll have a little patience _

_Have a little patience_

I gasped when the song finished. This was her message to me? I needed to see her, right then. I headed downstairs and saw Bella sitting in a chair outside by the sliding glass door off the living room. They must have decided to enjoy the day. I stared at her, so beautiful in the afternoon light. The day was gloomy but it didn't cast pallor on her. In contrast, it made her glow with an unearthly light. She was breathtaking.

I sank to my knees in front of the door, my head level with hers. Something must have alerted her to my presence because she turned to me then. The sadness in her eyes made me ache to hold her and wipe her tears away but I knew she wasn't ready for that yet.

She hesitated, and then slowly raised her hand so that it rested with her palm flat against the window. Her eyes begged me to understand. I brought my hand up to rest against the glass, exactly on the other side of where hers was.

I could feel a subtle difference in heat from her hand warming the glass. I closed my eyes and imagined that it was her actual hand I was feeling. Just a thin pane of glass separated me from what, at that moment, was the only thing in the world I longed for. My breathing grew ragged and I opened my eyes to find her staring at me, tears streaming down her face. I could sense the shock in my family's thoughts at Bella allowing me so close but it didn't matter. Nothing did, except feeling her hand, almost in mine.

Too soon she lifted her hand and turned away from me. The weight of not being able to speak to her or touch her when she clearly needed comfort crushed me for a few moments before I felt familiar hands helping me up. I didn't care who it was that I was following back upstairs. I just needed a few minutes to compose myself away from Bella. I didn't want her to think I was hurting. I had to be strong for her now. I entered the room I was led to without really seeing anything and was guided to sit on a couch. My head fell forward into my hands of its own volition and I couldn't stop shaking. Strong arms came around me and I allowed myself to be comforted.

After what felt like an eternity I looked around to realize I was in Carlisle's office and the arms around me belonged to him.

"Better?" he asked.

"No."

He sighed. "Want to talk about it?"

"Not really." I wouldn't know where to start.

"I'm here if you need me," he said. I nodded at him, feeling very fortunate to have Carlisle for a father.

**JPOV**

I was still shocked at the display between Bella and Edward. It had been such an intimate moment I felt as though I should look away but I couldn't. The emotions flowing between the two were so powerful they had nearly taken my breath away. It even managed to eclipse Bella's pain, for just a few moments.

Bella was now staring out towards the forest, still curled up in her chair. She had wanted to go outside for a little while so Esme carried her out and wrapped her in a blanket. I was watching her carefully so when she started to shiver from the cold I decided it was time to go back in. Besides, we needed to get dinner started for her. I slid the sliding glass door open and sat down next to her. Bella didn't look at me.

"Are you ready to go in?" I asked her.

"I suppose." Her emotions had calmed some to the point that I barely noticed them. It made me wonder. I wasn't getting the fuzzy static I had been prior to her slitting her wrists, but I wasn't feeling the strength of her emotions, either. After the wave of emotion between her and Edward had faded, it was as if everything else had faded with it. I wasn't sure it was healthy. Carefully I scooped her into my arms and carried her into the kitchen before depositing her onto a chair at the table.

"When will I be able to walk again?" she asked, surprising me.

"I'm not sure. That's really a question for Carlisle. Would you like me to get him for you?" I knew Carlisle had heard her question but would wait for an invitation from Bella to enter the room. She just shrugged so I took that as an affirmative. "Carlisle, could you come in here please?" Less than a minute later Carlisle walked in the door.

"Hello Jasper, Bella."

"You heard Bella's question?" I asked him.

"Yes. I need your arms to fully heal before we attempt you walking again. You'll need to be able to support some of your weight on them and I don't want to risk tearing open your stitches. I hope in three weeks or so to have you start taking steps again," he told Bella. She nodded. I took it as a good sign that she was interested in getting around on her own.

"What would you like for dinner, Bella?" Esme asked, entering the kitchen. We wanted her to start planning out her own meals, giving her yet another thing she could control. So far this hadn't worked out, as Bella was showing little to no interest in food.

"Anything is fine," was all she would say. I frowned. Perhaps if we gave her several choices at each meal that would help. I'd have to talk to Esme about it later.

"Is spaghetti alright dear?" Esme asked. Bella nodded. Thankfully this was a simple meal and in less than 10 minutes Esme put a plate of spaghetti, green salad, and garlic bread on the table for Bella's dinner. I went in search of Alice while Bella ate.

She was sitting in our room, surfing the internet looking for furniture but looked up with a bright smile as I entered.

"I thought Bella and I could work on decorating her room after dinner," she said with mischief on her face. Of course, she already knew why I came up.

"Brilliant idea," I commented wryly. I paused, wondering how to phrase my other request.

"Alice is there any way… I mean, you can see Bella's future still… could you look to see…" This wasn't coming out right. Thankfully, Alice knew what I was trying to ask.

"I can't Jazzy. You know that. If I were to tell you what progress she would make and when, it would defeat the purpose. This isn't just a destination for Bella, the journey is just as important, if not more so. Besides, she's so unstable right now that it's hard for me to see much anyway," she said sympathetically. I knew this would be her answer but I had to try. She opened her arms to me and I sank into them gratefully. We sat like that for just a minute before she kissed me on the forehead and dashed downstairs to commandeer Bella for some decorating time.

**APOV**

Poor Jazzy... I wished I had answers for him but, truth be told, there weren't any answers to be had. I couldn't see Bella's immediate future, much to my extreme frustration. The vision of her and Edward dancing was still clear in my mind but the timing was uncertain. Everything was so hazy and undefined when it came to her future. I guess she still had a lot to think about and decide. I wasn't even sure she had decided to live yet, which was why one of us was with her at all times and we had removed anything she could harm herself with from her bedroom and bathroom. It was the Cullen version of suicide watch. Until I was absolutely sure that she wouldn't try to take her own life again, she would be watched constantly. One of us would even be with her when she sleeps.

I bounced into the kitchen just as Bella was finishing dinner, unable to contain all of my excitement at helping Bella decorate her bedroom.

"Bella! I thought we could spend some time figuring out how you want your room set up. Would you like that?" I asked her. She seemed mildly interested, which was enough for me.

"Sure, Alice."

I picked her up and ran back upstairs and into her room. I set her in the chair by the bed, figuring she would want something different than just laying in bed some more. Bentley, her constant companion, was securely in her arms.

"So, I was thinking that wall should be covered in bookcases," I started, gesturing to the blank wall that also contained the doors to the walk in closet and the bathroom. "Once we are done ordering your furniture we can use the gift card you got from Carlisle and Esme to stock them." Her eyes brightened at the thought of so many new books and I tried to keep my internal happiness from bouncing all over the room. This was what I could do for Bella: create her a sanctuary that she loved and felt safe in.

"What colors would you like?" I asked. She thought for a moment.

"Can we… can we use river colors as a theme?" I thought about that for a moment.

"Sure! We can do all of your bedding in an aqua and paint the walls a different blue to contrast. The furniture and a throw rug can be in gray, like river rocks." Bella smiled, seemingly enthused at this plan.

"Could we get bookcases in the same gray?" she asked, almost smiling.

If it made Bella smile, I would paint them myself. I beamed at her and we got to work.

* * *

**Bella's song for Edward is "Patience" by Tyrone Wells. Reviews are love!**


	13. Panic

**_If you are ever feeling suicidal please, call the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255. It's free and someone is available 24/7. You can also call if someone you know is considering suicide.  
Life is precious._**

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* * *

**

I don't own Twilight. Song idea courtesy of Omichiri6183. Thank you!!

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RPOV

I wanted to talk to Bella. I was pacing back and forth in my room, listening to her and Alice talk decorations across the hall, trying to think of how to approach her and what to say if I did. I had never tried so hard before to talk about what happened to me. I've never tried to talk about it at all, really. Over the years the memories became less… consuming.

Being around Bella was bringing everything back. I remembered those early days; right after Carlisle had changed me, and how I had prayed for death. Living eternally with the memories I had burned into my mind seemed to be torture, not reprieve. I cursed Carlisle for changing me. He should have let me die. Perhaps Bella would have been better off not surviving her own attack. Is human life really long enough to deal with the pain and the memories she will have to face eventually? What kind of life would she have now?

My head was spinning and I couldn't breathe. Even though it had been decades since my attack, for a few seconds I was that girl again that couldn't escape. I couldn't shed the tears I needed.

The door silently opened to reveal my salvation in this existence; Emmett. He must have known somehow… Jasper maybe? I stopped my pacing and just waited. He didn't hesitate before striding to me and wrapping me into his arms. He held me while I shook.

"I'm here, Rose. I've got you."

I rested in his arms and breathed in the rich sent that was purely Emmett. How did I ever get so lucky to find him? Bella couldn't even be held like this. It broke my heart.

I stepped out of Emmett's arms for a moment to find the song I always played in these moments on my iPod. Emmett had grown to hate it over the years because he knew the pain it represented for me. He didn't understand the comfort I found in the simple words.

Remember you're not alone.

I hated and loved that all at once. I hated it that others had experienced what I had but it was a comfort to know it all the same.

_She came calling _

_One early morning _

_She showed her crown of thorns _

_She whispered softly _

_To tell a story _

_About how she had been wronged _

_As she lay lifeless _

_He stole her innocence _

_And this is how she carried on _

_This is how she carried on_

_Well I guess she closed her eyes _

_And just imagined everything's alright _

_But she could not hide her tears _

_'Cause they were sent to wash away those years _

_They were sent to wash away those years _

_My anger's violent _

_But still I'm silent _

_When tragedy strikes at home _

_I know this decadence _

_Is shared by millions _

_Remember you're not alone _

_Remember you're not alone _

_Well if you just close your eyes _

_And just imagine everything's alright _

_But do not hide your tears _

_'Cause they were sent to wash away those years _

_Well if you just close your eyes _

_And just imagine everything's alright _

_But do not hide your tears _

_'Cause they were sent to wash away those years _

_They were sent to wash away those years _

_Maybe we can wash away those years _

_For we have crossed many oceans _

_And we labor in between _

_In life there are many quotients _

_And I hope I find the mean_

_The mean, the mean_

_Well if you just close your eyes _

_And just imagine everything's alright _

_But do not hide your tears _

_'Cause they were sent to wash away those years _

_Well if you just close your eyes _

_And just imagine everything's alright _

_But do not hide your tears _

_'Cause they were sent to wash away those years _

_Maybe we can wash away those years _

_I hope that you can wash away those years_

Emmett held me and we danced until the song ended. It brought me the comfort I knew it would and I looked up into his concerned eyes and smiled.

"Thank you," was all I could say. He understood. He always did.

**APOV**

Bella and I sat in her room choosing the paint colors for the walls and the new furniture. I was excited she seemed so into the project, and I really liked the idea of a river theme. It seemed peaceful. Together we chose a quilt in white and aqua, with the sheets in the same shade of aqua. Lots and lots of throw pillows were a must. For the walls, we decided on a misty blue that looked like river water on a foggy day. The trim was a shade lighter and the ceiling two shades lighter than that. It gave off a comforting feeling when put together.

Bella and I searched the web looking for the right bedroom set.

"Oh, Alice, what about that?" she said, pointing to a set in an antique store in Maryland. I clicked onto the picture. The set was unfinished pine and the wood was a beautiful light golden color. It seemed to glow. The bed was high enough that it had matching stairs to climb into it. It was perfect.

"I love it! I'll find someone local to get it for us and have it delivered. Now we need to find the right bookcases and some chairs for by your fireplace!" I said.

Together we chose two large round chairs that rotated for by her fireplace. Each was easily large enough to hold two people and they were a soft gray color. We also found unfinished bookcases that Emmett and I would paint and treat to look a bit like river rocks once we were finished with them. By early next week Bella would have the perfect sanctuary and I couldn't be happier. But there was something I wanted to ask.

"Bella?" I started, hesitating over the question in my mind. She glanced up at me with her strange, flat eyes.

"Yes?"

"What was it like where you were?" I could hear several indrawn breaths from around the house at my question but I honestly wanted to know. I couldn't see her while she was unconscious so I really had no idea. She seemed to think about it.

"Peaceful, in a way. Lost in others. I heard you, all of you, sometimes," she said quietly.

"Don't push this, Alice," Jasper said from his study. Bella didn't hear him and I chose to ignore it.

"But what was it like?" I wasn't sure how to phrase exactly what I wanted to ask. Something seemed to flash in her eyes before she turned away.

"I don't want to talk about this, Alice."

I opened my mouth to argue but heard Jasper first.

"Alice, please." I sighed, and gave in to my husband. For now, at least.

"You should probably get some sleep now, Bella. Come on, I'll help you get settled." Bella nodded at me and I helped her get changed and into bed. She was asleep minutes later.

I settled back to listen to the sounds throughout the house. Jasper was still in his study, more than likely looking up more information to try and help Bella. Edward was in front of his piano, staring at the keys he hadn't touched since the day Bella was attacked. Carlisle and Esme were in their room. I quickly switched listening to the others. Rose and Emmett were in the garage. Rose was working on a new project while Emmett generally got in the way. I smiled at the sounds of my family and felt incredibly lucky.

My eyes drifted back to the sleeping girl in front of me. She was so lost, so alone. Everything was unclear. I tried searching for her future.

_The sun was streaming into Bella's room from the windows. The walls seemed to shimmer and I couldn't help thinking how wonderful her completed room looked. It must have been very early in the morning because her room was totally silent. Bella herself looked peaceful in the bed but somehow wrong… I watched as Esme entered the room, probably to wake Bella for the day, only she gasped. She ran to Bella's side and started shaking her, harder than I would have thought she would. Bella wouldn't wake up. I realized then that the room was too quiet. Bella's heartbeat was missing. She was gone._

I opened my eyes.

"Family meeting. Now."

**JPOV**

I was flipping through various psychology texts when I heard Alice's summons. This couldn't be good. I headed down to the dining room to find everyone else already assembled; Carlisle and Esme looking slightly disheveled. I wasn't going to think about that. Alice was feeling extreme anxiety and fear. That surprised me. Edward's eyes were huge and he felt overwhelmed and numb. Whatever this was about he already knew. I took my seat next to Alice and started projecting calm to her. She looked at me gratefully.

"I'm not sure what to make of what I just saw…" she began hesitantly. I took her hand in mine and squeezed it, willing her to continue.

"I had a vision of Bella… dead." The gasps that came from around the table were many and the anguish bombarded me from all sides. I tried to clear my mind. Carlisle was the first to speak.

"Alice, do you know what happened? What causes her death?" he asked, his voice intense.

She shook her head. "I'm not sure. If it were something like disease I would be able to see it. No, it has to be something to do with a decision that hasn't entirely been made yet. But the vision was clear and strong."

"Please tell us everything you saw in detail. Perhaps together we can figure something out," Carlisle said.

Alice took an unnecessary breath to steady herself before continuing. "It was a sunny day for once, and early in the morning. I'm guessing around 8, given the way the sun was streaming in the window and the angle of it. Bella was alone in her room. She actually looked very peaceful in her bed. The room had been redecorated so I know this isn't for at least a week. It took me a moment to realize that the room was too quiet. I couldn't hear her heartbeat. Then Esme came in to wake her for the day and started to shake Bella, trying to wake her up. That's where it ended."

"Were there any visible signs of trauma? Did she look in any way unhealthy or that she had been sick?" Carlisle asked.

"No, there wasn't anything. She just looked peaceful."

"She kills herself."

My eyes flew across the table to land on Rosalie, who had spoken.

"That's the only explanation," she continued. Several people around the table looked as though they would protest but she shook her head, cutting them off. "Look at the facts. It's not a disease or Alice would have seen it. She was in bed, and looked peaceful. The timing is unsure and there is no way someone else could get into this house to harm her. It's the only thing that makes sense. Maybe it's for the best…" she finished softly.

"Don't you EVER say that again!" shouted Edward from his place at the end of the table. Prior to this he had been resting his head on the tabletop, trying to sort out how he felt. "Rosalie, she will live. We will all see to it. We will get her through this."

"Edward, you don't know what it's like. You can't understand how it feels to live like she is. To see their faces when you close your eyes, feel their touch constantly, feel them inside, tearing away everything you had once treasured and thought you were. It took me more years than she has left to deal with it. No one should have to live with that kind of pain! Even now there are days it overwhelms me, as you well know." Emmett had moved over to hold Rosalie during her speech but she shook him off. "Who are we to tell her she has to live?"

I was bombarded by the emotions ranging around the table. Edward's rage and despair; Rosalie's intense pain and anguish; Emmett's consuming sadness and grief for the little sister he loved; Esme's fear; Alice's anxiety and terror; and Carlisle's determination. It was all threatening to consume me whole. I pulled deep within myself and reached for the reservoir of calm I knew was there before projecting it out to the room.

Carlisle again took the lead. "Jasper, what do you think of Bella's mental status?"

I thought for a moment. "I'm not sure. She's very difficult to read emotionally. I thought she was doing well. She seemed interested in walking unassisted again, and I took that as a positive sign. The concern with issues like this is that it isn't always a step progression of improvement. Most of the time it's one step forward three steps back, at least at first, anyway. It's hard to judge where she is in the process."

Carlisle nodded and seemed to come to a decision.

"We will do everything in our power to keep Bella from killing herself and get her through this time in her life. Rosalie, I'm not discounting your experiences however, you have perfect vampire recall. Bella is a human and her memory heals in a way that ours doesn't. She may well be able to recover from this. In the meantime, Bella is never to be alone, including while she is asleep. Esme, we will need to make sure there is nothing available to her to take her own life. Alice, can you please order some sort of safe for my office, where I can lock up any and all substances she could overdose with? I know it's unlikely she could get in there without one of us noticing but I would prefer not to take any chances. Everyone, if you are in the area of Bella, pay attention to her heartbeat. If it starts to slow at any point or becomes sluggish, call for me immediately. I will never be far from where she is. If you will excuse me, I have some calls to make. I need to order other supplies just in case something happens."

Everyone's eyes followed Carlisle as he moved quickly to his office. His determination and fierce, protective love for Bella flowed through me and gave me strength.

"I'll go through her room again to make sure she doesn't have access to anything that could hurt her. Emmett, Rosalie, will you check the rest of the house?" Emmett was quick to nod and jump up but Rosalie remained where she was.

"I'm sorry; I just don't think we should be making this choice for her." She was filled with a quiet grief. Esme merely nodded.

"I'll take care of it Esme. At least there's something I can do to help her," said Edward, his voice filled with remorse. Esme moved to stand beside him and take his face in her hands.

"You are helping her, Edward. I believe you bring her hope," she said softly. Edward shuddered.

"How is that possible? It's my fault this even happened to her. By all rights, she should hate me. I can't even tell her how much I love her," he said, his voice filled with anguish and despair.

"Edward, look at me," Esme commanded and his startled eyes met hers. "You tell her you love her every day. Just because the words aren't spoken doesn't mean she won't hear them. Keep telling her. One day soon, she will hear you."

Edward closed his eyes and rested in the comfort Esme offered for a moment before heading out to search the house and Bella-proof it.

My mind was spinning. I had been responsible for lives in the past but always for ending them. Now the responsibility for not only keeping someone alive, but for helping her want to live rested on my shoulders. It was a burden I wasn't sure I was able to carry. If she died, it would be by her hand but my fault. I needed to talk to someone. I headed up the stairs and hesitated before the door I wanted.

"Come in, Jasper." I couldn't help but smile. Of course he knew I was here.

"Got a minute, Carlisle?" I asked as I opened the door and peeked inside his study. He was just hanging up the phone.

"Of course. I just finished making the arrangements for additional supplies to be delivered."

"What exactly did you order?" I asked, honestly curious what we would now be prepared for.

Carlisle sighed. "Supplies to pump her stomach, should the need arise, drugs to counteract an overdose, a defibrillator, and soft restraints should things escalate and we aren't able to hold her without hurting her." I was shocked at the inclusion of the last item.

"Do you really think it will come to that? She seems so calm now, though I can't feel her emotions very well."

"I sincerely hope not but I would much rather be over prepared than under." I nodded my acquiescence before continuing.

"Can we go for a walk?" I wanted to talk to him away from the ears of the rest of the household. He nodded before standing and gesturing for me to lead the way. We walked out of the house and into the woods, until I was sure we were far enough away that the others couldn't hear us.

"Carlisle, I'm scared. This is the most important thing I've ever done in my existence and I'm terrified I'll screw up and she'll die," I whispered, ashamed of my weakness. I'm Jasper Whitlock Hale. I've been through wars, both vampire and human, and I'm not supposed to be brought to my knees by a human girl that is so damaged she can't function.

"Jasper, I know you can do this. If I thought you would hurt Bella in any way or make things worse you know I would tell you. But you are what she needs and you are not alone in this. We are all here to support you as much as her. Whatever you need, you can find in all of us. You just have to learn to rely more on your family. I know things have sometimes been difficult for you and you have had trouble finding your place with us, but please know that you are my son just as much as Emmett and Edward are. Esme feels the same. We have faith in you. You need to find the faith in yourself. It's all you need to help Bella."

Carlisle's strong presence and unwavering faith in me steadied me.

"I just need to get her through this."

"You will, son. I have no doubt about it."

Calmed slightly, we headed back to the house that had become a hive of activity in our absence. As morning approached, I asked the family not to treat Bella any differently now that we knew that suicide was an option she was considering. We didn't need to make her feel even more helpless than she already did. Alice and Edward headed to the last day of school before Thanksgiving break quietly. For once, Edward didn't have to be forced. Thinking of Thanksgiving reminded me of something and I turned to Esme, who was preparing Bella's breakfast prior to waking her.

"Esme, should we invite Charlie over for Thanksgiving?" I asked. She thought for a moment.

"I think that would be nice. Bella needs to see that people still love her and need her. I'll call him," she said, and picked up her phone. I could hear the ringing from where I stood.

"Hello?"

"Good morning Charlie. This is Esme Cullen."

"Esme? Is Bella alright?" I could hear a note of panic in Charlie's voice.

"Oh, she's fine, please don't worry. I was calling to invite you over for Thanksgiving dinner."

There was a long pause and I could almost see Charlie shifting.

"Oh. I actually made plans to go to La Push for the holiday. I wasn't sure Bella would be up for company. I could stop by on my way there though… see her for a few minutes?"

"I'm sure Bella would like that, Charlie," Esme soothed.

"I just… wasn't sure what she would want or if she would even acknowledge the holiday. I didn't think…" Charlie stammered.

"It's alright. I'm sure Bella will understand and be glad to see you when you stop by. You're welcome anytime, you know."

"I know," he sighed. "How is she doing?"

"It's hard to say. She and Alice are decorating her bedroom and she seems to be enjoying that. She speaks every day with a counselor," she smiled, looking at me. No need to tell him that the "counselor" was someone he thought was little older than Bella. "I think she's doing as well as she can be expected to at this point."

"I'm glad to hear she is talking to someone, at least. I can't thank you and Dr. Cullen enough for doing this for her."

"No thanks are necessary, Charlie. We all love Bella and are more than happy to help her through this."

"Alright then, I guess I'll see you on Thursday."

"We look forward to it. I'll tell Bella you're coming. Bye Charlie."

"Bye Mrs. Cullen."

As she closed her cell phone, Esme gave me a sad smile.

"Do you think she will be upset that Charlie isn't spending the holiday with her?"

"I doubt it. She doesn't know how to act around him anyway. She will probably be relieved."

Esme went back to finishing Bella's breakfast as I headed up to wake her for the day.

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The day passed slowly for all of us. Bella didn't react to the news of her father not spending the day with her on Thursday at all. She seemed indifferent. Emmett and I worked on painting Bella's room while she was with Rosalie and Carlisle. I approved of the colors and thought that they would soothe her. I wanted her to have a sanctuary and it seemed like she and Alice had chosen well for that. The furniture was set to be delivered on Friday and the bookcases were already here, just waiting to be painted. My mind couldn't stop thinking about Alice's vision though. Once this room was complete, would that mark the end of things for Bella? Would we be able to save her? Rosalie was right about one thing. We could keep Bella from killing herself but we couldn't force her to want to live. She had to make that choice all on her own.

Bella participated minimally in her physical therapy and I could feel the tension in everyone starting to take a toll. I took to sending out calming waves every few minutes to try and keep the atmosphere from affecting Bella. Still, I was relieved when everyone left Bella and I to our session.

I carried her into my study and got her settled on the couch before pulling my chair out to sit in front of her. She fidgeted with the edges of the blanket I had wrapped around her and Bentley and refused to meet my eyes.

"How are you feeling today, Bella?" I asked softly, looking for a place to start. She shrugged at me, still declining to look up. I shifted slightly in my chair, trying to get her attention.

"Do you want to talk about what happened yesterday with Edward?"

That did it. Her eyes met mine in a heartbeat. They flashed with the remorse and sadness I was feeling from her.

"What about Edward? Is he alright?" she sounded near panic.

"Breathe, Bella. Edward's fine. I was talking about you two yesterday by the sliding glass door."

It took a few minutes but her panic started to ease. It took all of my self-control not to calm her myself but it was important she get there on her own. Her eyes drifted back to the blanket in her lap and Bentley, who she was clinging to.

"What about it?" she whispered.

"It was a pretty intense moment. What was going through your mind?"

"I just… need him to not give up on me. I need him to understand, even though I don't."

"What don't you understand?"

"Anything. Why he's still here. Why he bothers. Why any of you do. He's my thread and I'm waiting for it to snap."

I was confused by her last statement.

"What do you mean, he's your thread?"

She looked at Bentley again. "Can we please talk about something else? Anything but Edward."

"For now, we can discuss something else, but at some point we will have to talk about him. Have you been writing in your journal?" I asked her and she nodded. "I won't ask to read it but if you want to share anything you've written you can tell me." There wasn't an answer. I sighed. "Bella, talk to me. I can't help you if you won't let me."

"I'm not sure you can help me anyway." I was so saddened and frustrated by her words that it took me a moment to gather my thoughts.

"Why is that?"

"There's nothing left of me. I'm not even sure I remember who I was…before. It's just gone."

I didn't say anything, just waited for her to continue. I knew this was important.

"Everything's changed. Everything's different. How am I supposed to pick up and start again when I'm not even sure where the start is? Who am I now? What do I do? I'm not sure I'm strong enough to survive all of this…" A single tear slid slowly down her face.

"Is that why you said relief when I said death yesterday?"

She nodded. "It would be a relief. Living seems too hard now. I don't think I'm strong enough to keep going."

Downstairs I could hear people coming home and I felt vaguely irritated that they were early. Alice was radiating anxiety and I knew that she must have seen something and called everyone home.

"Bella, I know that this feels like hell for you…" Bella's eyes flew to mine and she interrupted me.

"You think this is hell? This is so much worse than hell. At least, if I were in hell, I could feel. I feel nothing. No joy. No sadness. No pain. Nothing. I'm empty. I'm already dead and yet I'm forced to keep walking this earth as if I were alive. There's nothing left of me. This is so far beyond death and hell."

She grabbed Bentley and asked to be taken to her room. Alice appeared at once and carried her out of my study. Down the hall I could hear her bedroom door slam shut. It echoed throughout the house. I heard the lock on her door slide home after Alice left her. I was still stunned by her outburst and hadn't moved.

Emmett's voice carried upstairs. "Dude, I told you, you can't tell her what she feels."

I sighed. "I know, Emmett."

Bella stayed locked in her room for the rest of the afternoon. I was grateful that Esme had cleared the room of anything potentially harmful the night before while Bella slept since it didn't look like we would be granted access anytime soon. Throughout the day, all of us, save Edward, tried to talk to her with no response. We were all listening to her heartbeat, making sure the rhythm stayed steady and strong. The one thing that reassured us all was that it was pouring rain outside and it wasn't expected to let up for at least another day. Not to mention that the bedroom wasn't finished. Still, nerves were running high throughout the house.

Esme tried and failed to get Bella to come downstairs for dinner. She ended up leaving the tray outside Bella's door. A few minutes later the door opened and closed again quickly. I was relieved that she was at least eating.

"Just give her some time everyone. I pushed a button today without realizing it. At least she is feeling something." I had resigned myself to waiting her out. She would have to emerge at some point. I wanted to give her time and not force anything.

Poor Edward was a mess. He couldn't hear Bella's thoughts so it was killing him to not know what was going on. Prior to this he could at least hear the thoughts of those around her. Now all he had was all of our worries to listen to. He finally ran his hands through his hair once more and dashed out the back door.

"Let him go," Carlisle said when Emmett looked like he wanted to follow. We all sat around the living room, not knowing what to say or do. The shadows grew longer as the time passed and soon enough night had fallen. It was early for it to be so dark but, given the weather, not surprising.

Upstairs Bella was mumbling. We all sat and listened, but the words were impossible to make out. Anxiety and fear was starting to rise in her, startling me. What could possibly be scaring her in her own bedroom?

"Something's wrong," I said, bringing everyone's attention to me. Bella's heart rate was starting to speed up and her fear was rapidly escalating into full-blown panic. I raced up the stairs towards her room, hearing footsteps behind me but not caring to look and see who followed. Bella's door was still locked and I had promised her that we would never enter without permission so I forced myself to knock.

No response.

"Bella, sweetheart? Can I come in please?" Esme asked, her voice pleading. I looked around and noticed everyone, sans Edward, was crammed into the hallway looking terrified.

Still there was no response from Bella's room, just the sound of her heartbeat. She had stopped mumbling and we could hear a soft sound that I couldn't place. Her breathing was ragged, coming in gasps.

"Carlisle, we have to do something. She's having a severe panic attack," said Alice. I shook my head at her.

"Alice, I promised that we would never enter her room without her permission. I don't know what that would do to her trust in us if we burst in like that," I told her. "Bella, darlin, can I come in please? I know you're afraid honey. Please, let me in," I said in a tone I hoped was soothing.

Emmett spoke up next. "Can't you calm her down so she will answer the door?"

"I waited too long. I haven't been using my ability on her at all because she needs to feel things but I don't think it would work now. She's too far into the panic. I wouldn't be able to reach her."

Just as I said that, a chilling scream came from the other side of the door.

"Fuck this."

I spun my head around to look at Rosalie, who had a determined look on her face. Before any of us could stop her she had hit the door with the palm of her hand, effectively breaking it down the middle, and stepped through the debris to get into Bella's room.

Bella was curled in against the wall, right next to the door, her hands in her hair, and her eyes tightly shut. She was shaking her head as she rocked back and forth, screaming.

Emmett and Carlisle stayed in the hall as Alice, Esme, Rosalie and I rushed to Bella. Esme tried to reach her first.

"Bella, sweetheart, look at me. You're safe. I need you to look at me now," she whispered over and over again. It wasn't getting through to her at all. Esme picked her up and cradled her, rocking back and forth.

"Carlisle, I think you are going to have to sedate her. She isn't going to calm down otherwise," said Alice mournfully. Carlisle ran to his office to get what he needed and was back before Bella could blink. She didn't even seem to register his presence as he slid the needle into her hip while Esme held her still.

We all held our breath, waiting for the medication to take effect.

Slowly, her hands slid out of her hair and her eyes seemed to relax. Her breathing evened out and deepened as she went limp in Esme's arms. Her emotions flattened out once again and I nodded.

"She's asleep. Why don't you gentlemen leave us for a while so we can get her more comfortable for bed?" Esme asked.

I turned to leave with the others when I felt a strong emotion coming from outside Bella's window. I turned to look and saw Edward perched in the tree outside her window. He was fairly well hidden, and it was doubtful Bella would have been able to see him, but it was easy for another vampire to spot him. I felt the rage building in me.

"Edward. Inside. Now."

**EPOV**

I had screwed up and I knew it. I could hear Jasper's thoughts scream at me from my place outside Bella's window. I nodded at him and made my way down the tree and inside, to the living room. Jasper, Carlisle and Emmett stalked in moments later. It was a toss up who looked angrier, though Carlisle's thoughts were more disappointed than anything.

Jasper was the first to speak. "What were you thinking? Do you have any idea what you have done?"

"Wait, how do you know my being there triggered that panic attack? It could have been something else," I stated weakly, though I suspected they were right somehow.

Jasper sighed. "Edward, she was raped. Windows make her feel exposed as it is. Bella has always been sensitive and perceptive. How do you think she felt sensing someone staring at her but not being able to see who it was? Of course it caused a panic attack! What's more, it forced us to break her trust by breaking the promise we would not enter her room without permission. You have probably set back any small amount of progress I might have hoped to have made!" His anger was completely justified.

"I just wanted to see her; know that she was alright," I whispered.

"Son, I know that you are worried about her. We all are. But we can't cross lines like that. Bella's had so little privacy since the attack, we can't infringe on what we have given her. It defeats the purpose we are trying to achieve. Can you understand why this was such a mistake?" Carlisle asked.

"Of course I know it was a mistake! I never intended for her to even sense I was there. If I had had any inclination that anything close to that would have happened I never would have climbed up that tree in the first place! I never intended to frighten her."

"Edward, this isn't a sprint. It's a marathon. She's not going to get better right away, dude. It's going to take serious time and effort. You can't rush her into things she isn't ready for. She needs to feel safe and protected. You pulled that out from under her tonight," Emmett said quietly, and with more insight than I would normally have expected from him.

"I know. Will you excuse me? I have something I need to take care of."

Without waiting for a response I headed out the door and to my car. I needed to make it to Seattle and find a florist that was still open and had what I was looking for. My phone chirped with a text message.

_Simply Lovely on Market Street. I've already called them and they are waiting for you._

Alice.

The drive to and from Seattle helped to clear my head. I hadn't meant to frighten Bella. Hopefully she will accept the gift I got her. The flowers were on a single stalk, cascading from the top down. Each delicate flower was a pure white bell dangling gracefully. They were beautiful. For the first time since I had failed her, I wrote a card in my own words.

_Please don't go._

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**Sorry for the LOOOOOONG delay in posting! RL got crazy busy for me with finals and such. Thank you to all of those who PM'd asking for an update. It really did motivate me! That, and going back over the reviews when I got a nasty case of writer's block. **

**Reviews are love!**


	14. Aftermath

**I had intended this chapter to be much longer and cover different things but Bella had other plans. I think you will enjoy it anyway. :) Much love to everyone that has PM'd or reviewed. They make my day and encourage me more than you will know! **

**I don't own Twilight. **

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**JPOV**

The night seemed to both drag on and pass quickly all at the same time. Alice found an open store (or persuaded one to open, you never could tell with Alice) and managed to fashion and hang heavy silver silk drapes over the entire wall of Bella's windows. The color matched the paint on the ceiling exactly. She tacked them flush against the windows so that it appeared to be just another wall. Hopefully it would give Bella some comfort when she awoke. Emmett and I took one of the spare doors Esme kept and re-hung it for Bella. My mind was racing with thoughts about what the morning might bring.

I was sitting next to Bella's bed, wondering where to go from here, when a soft knock interrupted my thoughts. The door opened quietly, revealing Rosalie.

"Can I sit with her for a while?" she asked.

I paused for a moment, gauging her emotions. Given Rosalie's feelings about Bella I wasn't sure I could trust her to not assist Bella in the attempt on her own life. All I could find in Rosalie was sincerity and sadness so I nodded. I could use a break anyway since I needed to hunt. She moved gracefully to my side and put her hand on my shoulder for a moment.

"She's lucky to have you fighting for her, Jasper."

I squeezed her hand for just a moment before leaving the room. I needed to get out for a while. It was the day before Thanksgiving and everyone would be home. Since emotions were running so high in everyone, it was going to seriously tax my reserves of strength. As I walked downstairs, I found the others engaged in various pursuits, attempting to pass the time. Alice was surfing the internet, for what I wasn't sure. Emmett and Esme were playing cards. Edward was sitting on his piano bench, staring at the keys as he gently ran his fingers over them. The piano had been silent for months. Carlisle was next to him, not touching him but attempting to offer what comfort he could.

"I'm going hunting," I said to the room at large. Everyone nodded except Carlisle, who stood.

"Mind if I join you?" he asked. I shrugged and offered him a smile. In truth, it was always amusing to watch Carlisle hunt. He's so gentle by nature that it seems odd. That's probably why he hunts as little as possible. Of course, centuries of experience controlling the urge probably helped with that as well.

We left the house behind and headed for the forest. I opened up my senses fully and allowed my vampire nature to take over. This was one of my favorite things to do. There was such freedom in just giving in to who and what you are. It's liberating. For a moment I simply stood, absorbing the sounds and smells around me. The night surrounded me and filled my mind and body. I caught the scent of deer to the south and ran in that direction. I flew over the ground, dodging trees and other obstacles with ease. I appeared in the center of the heard as quietly as a ghost and had taken down a large buck before they could register my presence. I finished him and a second; wanting to make sure I wouldn't need to hunt for a few days. Bella would need me. I could only hope she would let me try to help her.

After burying the bodies, I sat down on the grass by the stream to think. For a few minutes I let my mind drift along the water, just trying to understand how things had gotten so much worse so quickly. Is it always like this with rape victims? A few steps forward and then a huge jump back? Or was I just screwing up with Bella? Would she be better off in a professional facility instead of with us? As soon as that thought occurred to me I dismissed it. At least with us, we were more aware of her every movement and emotion. We had a much better chance at keeping Bella alive than any inpatient treatment facility. But that didn't guarantee us success by any means.

I felt more than heard Carlisle sit down next to me. For a moment, neither of us spoke.

"What do we do now, Jasper?"

I was shocked. All of us always turned to Carlisle for advice and yet here he was, asking me. I was humbled by his faith in me.

"I'm not sure. We've broken her trust in a number of ways tonight. I'm not sure how she will react. Bella was never the most predictable human, even before all of this," I couldn't help but chuckle. Carlisle laughed with me.

"That's true. What other human would willingly befriend a vampire?" Carlisle asked, shaking his head in amusement.

"All I know is that she's worth this, Carlisle. Something in me is telling me that she is vitally important to all of us and that she is worth any price, any sacrifice, anything. She's worth it," I whispered, surprised by my own words and the intensity behind them.

Carlisle chuckled. "I thought Alice was the psychic in the family?"

I laughed. "Maybe she's rubbing off on me."

"I know she's worth it, if for no other reason than Edward loves her. He's been alone for so long, I would do anything to give him a chance at the happiness we have all been blessed to find. But it's more than that. She's already my daughter, as well as Esme's. She's a part of us now, and that changes everything."

We sat by the stream and watched as the skies began to lighten, giving birth to the new day.

**RPOV**

She looked so small, but not peaceful. Weren't humans supposed to look peaceful when they slept? She just looked… pained. I hoped she wasn't dreaming. I was thankful I had been spared the nightmares of what happened to me, though I wasn't sure that the perfect recall of the event was an even exchange.

Light was beginning to show through the curtains and I knew that dawn was fast approaching. I didn't have much time to think about what I wanted to say. I knew that emotions were more Jasper's thing but, from what I heard yesterday, Bella had finally gotten angry. Anger I could deal with. I knew all about the coursing rage that threatened to consume. Bella's words yesterday, overheard by the entire household thanks to Alice calling us home early, had struck a deep chord within me. I knew exactly what she was talking about.

I knew about anger that threatened to devour all that was left of who I used to be; the rage that flowed so brightly I wondered how the people around me didn't stare at me in shock as I burned alive. The burning of the change seemed to just be a physical manifestation of what I was feeling. I felt that burning long after my eyes opened to my new existence.

Bella stirred on the bed, drawing my focus away from my internal monologue. It was still early, but Carlisle had sedated her early enough in the evening that the amount of sleep she got should be sufficient. Her eyes slowly opened and came to rest on the stalk of flowers Edward had left for her in a simple bud vase on her bedside table. Her hand came up to trace the note he had left on her pillow. It had her name across the front in his graceful handwriting. She hesitated for a moment, her hand shaking, before opening it.

_Please don't go._

Tears began to slip down her face, silent soldiers in Bella's internal battle. Her breathing became erratic as she swam in emotions I wouldn't even try to identify. I didn't move, not wanting to startle her.

Eventually her breathing smoothed out and she moved to wipe the tears from her face. She finally looked around the room and registered my presence.

I didn't have to be Jasper to feel her disgust. It was written all over her face.

"What do you want, Rosalie?"

"To talk to you."

"Go away," she said in an angry tone, and she rolled onto her side, away from me. I sighed. She wanted to play hardball; well, I invented the game. Determination filled me and I walked over to the other side of the bed.

"You won't get away from me that easily. I'm not Jasper, and I won't coddle you. We need to talk. You need to talk about this," I told her forcefully, but still quietly. I wanted to break through to her, not scare her. I could almost feel the tension in the house as every ear was turned towards this room, waiting for her response. She suddenly sat up and stared at me, her expression fierce.

"Fine! What do you want to talk about? How about how you broke my trust when you broke down that door? How about the pity I see in your eyes when you look at me? I'm not your charity case and I don't want your pity!" she practically screamed at me. This was good.

"You're right. I broke down your door last night and let myself in because I couldn't stand to hear you screaming. I know what that feels like. You needed help, and I wasn't going to let you burn without it. And yes, I pity you. How can I not, when I know exactly what you are going through? I've been where you are," I told her calmly. I needed to keep my cool since apparently Bella was going to rage. I didn't mind; this needed to happen.

"Don't you dare tell me that you know what I'm feeling! You can't possibly! I don't care what you went through years ago. It's not the same and you don't understand."

"I do understand. Bella, what happened to me was nearly identical to what happened to you, only decades apart. That and I knew the men who attacked me. If anyone can understand, it's me. I've been where you are and I want to help," I said gently.

"I don't care, Rosalie. I don't want to hear this," Bella said petulantly.

"You'll listen anyway. I tried to be someone else, anyone else, while it was happening. Things like that didn't happen to me…" I let my mind drift, back to the last hours of my human life. I hated reliving this but she needed to know she wasn't alone.

"They took what they wanted and left me to die. I prayed for it, hoped for it. Carlisle found me that way and turned me. I knew I couldn't die but I still wished…" I paused, unable to finish. Bella picked up where I left off.

"I know. I'm the walking dead and the men that hurt me are still alive and well, probably proud that they did this to me and not even caring about the consequences that I have to face. They destroyed me and everything I ever thought I was or would ever be. It's not fair! They fucked me up and I have to pay the price. It's not supposed to be like this!"

"Actually, they aren't alive and well," I said, and her eyes flashed to mine. It was time to tell her. "I killed them."

A pregnant silence fell over the entire house.

"What?" Bella's voice came out a whisper. "When?"

"It was the night you were attacked. Edward told me where they were and I went after them. I made sure they would never hurt anyone again," I said matter-of-factly. I watched her face to gauge her reaction.

"I'm glad," she said, surprising me with the venom in her voice. I must have shown my reaction on my face because she continued. "How can I not be glad that they are dead after what they did to me? What they took from me?"

I saw an opening and took it. "Bella, what did they do to you?" The anger would help her get this out.

"I'm not going to talk about this, Rosalie."

"You have to. You need to. Otherwise they win and they still have you. Don't give dead men that power over you."

"Go away, Rosalie."

"I'm not leaving until you talk about this." I could practically hear Jasper gritting his teeth. Emmett was holding him back from coming up to stop me. I felt a rush of love for my husband. He, of all people, would know how much this explosion needed to happen. After all, he had been present for mine.

"What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you that they hit me? That they held me down while they took what they wanted? That they ripped away from me everything I thought I was for their own pleasure?" she was screaming at me. I hid my smile.

"If that's what happened, then yes. What did they do to you, Bella?" My voice remained calm, but that seemed to make her even angrier. I felt bad for Jasper at this moment. The rage Bella was feeling couldn't be pleasant.

"They hurt me."

"What did they do to you, Bella?"

"They…" she paused, and I knew I needed to push her harder, to break her. I could hear Edward growling at my thoughts but I didn't care. She needed this, and that was the most important thing right then.

"What did they do to you, Bella? Say it!"

"I can't!" she cried. She was shaking her head and holding on to her hair. I worried that she would pull it out.

"Name it, Bella! What did they do to you?"

She started rocking back and forth, her hands still in her hair and her knees drawn up to her chest. Her eyes were squeezed tightly shut and her head was still shaking back and forth.

I grabbed her wrists lightly and held her still. Her eyes opened and I could read the fear, panic and anger in them.

"What did they do to you, Bella?" I could almost see the crack in her shield as I said it one last time.

Bella exploded.

"They raped me!" she screamed, and she collapsed in sobs. "They raped me," she whispered. Her tiny body shook with the force of her tears but I couldn't help the smile that stretched across my face. I wrapped my arms around her and held her, waiting out the storm.

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**JPOV**

I felt so helpless listening to Bella cry in her room. It had taken all of Emmett's strength to hold me back while Rosalie broke Bella even further. Even that wouldn't have been enough if it hadn't been for Alice's glowing smile.

"Trust me, Jazzy. This needs to happen." I could feel her joy and relief through the rage that was bombarding me from upstairs and it centered me enough to simply let things happen. Everyone seemed to be relieved at what had just occurred. Once the rage cleared from my system, I was as well. Bella had been presenting a mask to everyone and even herself. Rosalie had just shattered it. Carlisle would explain it in medical terms; that sometimes you had to re-break a bone in order for it to heal properly. And Bella had just broken. I felt a smile that matched Alice's creeping across my face. As much as I wished I had been the one to get through to her, it didn't matter. All that mattered was that someone had finally reached Bella. Now she could start to heal and, perhaps, live again.

Relief, joy, and excitement were bombarding me from everyone except Bella, who seemed to be falling asleep in Rosalie's arms. She just felt drained. As soon as she was truly asleep, Rosalie settled her more comfortably on the bed and came downstairs. She was feeling apprehensive, most likely anticipating a negative reaction from all of us. She turned the corner and her eyes immediately searched me out.

"Jasper, I…" I stopped her with my hand before stepping forward and folding her into my arms. I could feel her shock at my actions, since I've never been the most affectionate person. I pushed my gratitude out towards her.

"Thank you."

She paused a moment before wrapping her arms around me and hugging me back.

When we finally separated I could see that her eyes were bright and knew that she would have been crying, had she been able to. I nodded at her and she moved over into Emmett's waiting arms. I looked back over at the happy faces of my family.

"I know she's exhausted but we shouldn't let her sleep too long," Carlisle said. "She's bound to be dehydrated after all that crying and she will need to eat. If nothing else, we should wake her in a few hours to eat and then let her go back to sleep." At his last statement I shook my head.

"She needs to talk about this once she's awake. We can't allow her to escape into dreams for very long. This morning has given us an opportunity and I don't want to waste it. I'll have a session with her at our usual time. Before then I'd like to encourage her to write in her journal. The more she can get out now, the better off she will be."

Everyone agreed and scurried off to take care of different tasks. Esme and Carlisle headed for the kitchen, probably to cook every breakfast food known to man for Bella. Emmett and Rosalie went for a walk, probably needing some time alone together. I was continually astounded by Rosalie's strength. Edward was back in his usual spot: the piano bench. I knew Esme was worried that he had given up his music but I knew it would just take time. Alice, for once, was just sitting quietly. She was curled into my side as we sat on the couch, just thinking. She seemed to know that I needed her just then. We cuddled on the couch for a few hours, until it was time to wake Bella. Esme came in carrying a tray of food for her and smiled at the sight of us before continuing up the stairs. I heard her knock softly before going in, even though she knew Bella was sleeping. We were all working to re-establish trust.

"Bella, dear? It's time to wake up now."

We could hear Bella shifting quietly in her bed. Her emotions were far from calm, but at least they were clear.

"I brought you some lunch, though it's mostly breakfast foods. Carlisle and I thought that would be alright since you haven't eaten yet today."

"No, that's fine. Esme… could you get Jasper for me?" I heard Bella hesitantly ask. Before she could finish the statement I was on my way upstairs and knocking on her door.

"Come in," she called.

I entered to see Bella sitting up in bed, the breakfast tray on her lap, and Esme sitting on the end. Bella looked completely exhausted, despite just having woken up. There were dark circles under her eyes and her eyes seemed dull. Her hair hung limply around her too-pale face. I wasn't sure what to say so I went over and sat next to her on the bed, taking her hand in mine. She froze for a moment, and then carefully slid her hand out of mine.

"Please don't touch me right now."

I thought my heart might break. I've always been the one person Bella finds comfort in… it was excruciating that she didn't want my touch now. I couldn't let her see that though. I fought for a neutral expression before nodding at her.

"What can I do for you this morning, Bella?" I asked her.

"I'd like to talk about last night, if you don't mind," she paused before continuing. "I think I can understand why Rosalie broke down my door, though I don't appreciate it. I just don't understand why I felt so strongly that someone was watching me." She looked confused. I shifted uncomfortably and looked at Esme.

"Bella, I'll be honest with you. Someone was watching you," I waited to see how she would react. Her eyes widened with panic. "Please don't be afraid. It was Edward. He was worried about you being so upset. He climbed the tree outside your window to make sure you were alright. He didn't mean to frighten you," I finished quietly.

"I don't know what to think of that…" Bella said quietly. I could feel Edward's pain from downstairs.

"I won't justify what he did, because he knows it was wrong, but he honestly had no idea you would react that way. He was so worried about you; he just needed to see you," I explained gently. Her brow furrowed and I could feel her confusion.

"Why would he be so worried about me?" She honestly didn't understand. I guess that was to be expected. Prior to the attack, she had had very little contact with Edward. There was no way for her to know how much he loved her.

I searched for the words to explain. "He… cares about you, very much."

"I just don't understand," she said. She seemed to be deciding something. "Edward, would you come in here please?" She barely raised her voice. I hid a small smile. Bella was adjusting to life with vampires.

A soft knock sounded on the door seconds later.

"Come in, Edward."

He entered clutching his latest offering of flowers for Bella. He had given these same plants to her once before, but in a different color. Today's were deep purple. I smiled at the message.

Edward hesitantly walked over to the side of the bed, near where I was sitting. I saw the question in his eyes when he glanced at me.

"Bella, can Edward sit on the bed?" I asked for him. She just smiled and nodded. I moved off of the bed to give him room and he settled into my place.

"Are those for me?" Bella asked, staring at the flowers. I swear, if Edward could have blushed he would have been. His eyes were downcast as he nodded. "They're beautiful. Thank you, Edward."

A heavy silence filled the room. Bella sighed.

"Edward, will you look at me please?" she said. He slowly raised his eyes from the careful examination of the quilt he had been conducting. They shone with his love and his pain. I heard Bella's indrawn breath as she stared at him and she was filled with sadness. She ached for him. "It's ok. But, please, don't do it again."

He smiled at her and their eyes seemed to lock in some unspoken communication. Even from the outside, I could see that the world had fallen away for the two of them and nothing else would register. It was a moment I had been blessed to share with Alice many times over the years. Each time was magical. I felt like I was intruding on a moment. My gaze caught Esme's and she wore a wide-eyed expression that I assumed matched mine. Neither of us moved though, not wanting to break the spell.

We watched in helpless wonder as Edward's hand came up slowly, moving towards Bella's face. My breath caught and I prepared for a bad reaction. Bella didn't move, didn't seem to notice his hand inching even closer to her face. His hand ghosted ever closer until finally he made contact with her skin. The charge between the two of them at the contact was palpable, even for the non-empaths in the room. The emotions running back and forth were electric, with Edward's hand acting as a conduit.

For an instant time froze, and Edward simply rested his hand on the curve of Bella's cheek. Complete and utter peace and a deep joy washed over me from both of them as I watched the scene unfold. Bella's face was calm for the first time since the attack. She was peaceful, just resting in that simple touch from Edward. The strength of her love for him staggered me. It very nearly matched his love for her. Their eyes stayed locked on each other until hers drifted closed, her lashes creating dark half moons under her eyes, and she leaned into his touch.

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**Reviews are love!**


	15. Thanksgiving

**I don't own Twilight**

**Thank you, as always, to those who review. Seriously, I got more than 50 reviews on the last chapter! You are one and all amazing and appreciated.**

**I have been trying to write Thanksgiving into the last several chapters and I finally got part of it into this one... Bella had other plans for the last few chapters. Hope you enjoy it!**

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JPOV

How could two people who had such little interaction with one another love each other so intensely? Was it simply a matter of heart recognizing heart; soul recognizing soul? I couldn't get the questions out of my mind since watching Bella and Edward interact earlier that morning. The strength of their bond fascinated me. It was similar to the way that I felt about and with Alice. The same types of bonds existed between all the couples in the house, though each was slightly different, of course.

Rosalie and Emmett had their playful, and usually x-rated, banter. Their bond was a deep scarlet to me, filled with passion.

Carlisle and Esme had a softer bond, but no less strong. It seemed violet in its strength.

Alice and I shared a bond that I usually visualized as gold. We were bound by past, present and future, in perfect balance with one another.

Edward and Bella's bond, though new, was just as strong as any of the others. For now, it seemed a deep blue, filled with sadness and pain, both shared and separate. It bound them to one another just as each of us was bound to their other half, in willing submission to another.

Around us collectively was the silver bond of family. It had expanded to include Bella and now felt as though it was a complete ring, with no beginning and no end. Just another sign that she was always meant to be with us…

I was drawn out of my musing by a knock on my door. A glance at the clock told me it was time for my session with Bella. I had been lost in thought for over an hour.

"Come in," I called and Rosalie entered, carrying Bella in her arms cautiously. I wasn't sure Bella had forgiven Rosalie for pushing her so hard but she seemed at ease in her grasp. At least, for now.

Rosalie gently settled Bella onto the couch with Bentley and wrapped the throw blanket around them both, carefully tucking them in. With one last look at me she turned and left the house with the rest of the family, giving Bella and I privacy. I moved out from behind my desk to the chair next to the couch, my usual place during our sessions.

I waited a few minutes, debating where to start, but Bella beat me to it.

"Why did Edward leave me a note asking me not to go?" she asked, looking straight at me. I squirmed uncomfortably. I hadn't known the contents of that note.

I sighed. I had promised I would be honest with her. "He knew that you were considering suicide as an option." I carefully watched her face, gauging her reaction. Her eyes grew wide and her face drained of what little color it held. Her breathing hitched and her heart skipped a beat.

"How…" she whispered. "How did he know that? How did _you_ know that?"

"Bella, I need you to calm down a bit and breathe for me. I don't want you to pass out honey," I said urgently. That was the last thing she needed. She nodded before trying to regulate her breathing. I could feel her panic start to subside. I was still resolved to not use my gift to manipulate her emotions unless it was an emergency. Bella needed to work through things on her own and it wouldn't help any, in fact might make it worse, if I tried to change how she was feeling.

"We knew because… remember how I explained about my gift?" She nodded her understanding. "I'm actually not the only member of the family that has a gift. Alice can see the future."

I waited for a reaction and she didn't disappoint.

"She can see the future? So she saw me kill myself and that is how Edward and everyone knew what I was thinking?"

"Yes."

"Well isn't that just lovely?" I was shocked by the sarcasm and venom in her voice, not to mention the anger that was starting to boil up from within her. "She can see and try to prevent the thing that would end my pain but not the thing that caused it in the first place." By the time she was finished speaking, she was livid. "Is there anyone else?"

I knew what she was asking.

"Edward… can read minds." For an instant the panic very nearly outweighed her anger.

"You mean to tell me that, all this time, he knew everything I was thinking?"

"No. You are the one exception to his talent. He can't read your mind, at all," I hurried to reassure her. The panic slowly faded leaving only the boiling fury that I could only assume was directed at Alice.

Bella refused to look at me. She simply sat there and seethed, her hands clenching and unclenching around Bentley's tail as she wound it around her fingers. I could feel the rage burning through her system. This was a complete change from the past few days. Her emotions were strong and clear. I knew that, though this was painful, for all of us, it was also progress.

"Bella, look at me please." Her eyes remained defiantly downcast. I sighed. "Explain to me what you are feeling."

She snorted. "You should know better than me."

"True, but I don't know the why behind it. Please, just explain," I said to her, as patiently as I could.

"Fine. I'm angry. Furious. Livid, even. How could she not have seen what was going to happen to me if she could see the future? Did she want those men to take me?"

I had to tread carefully.

"No, she didn't want them to take you. Bella, she did see what was going to happen, just not in time to stop it. She couldn't reach Edward and the rest of us were too far away to get there in time." I could have spoken of the remorse Alice had felt ever since, but felt it wasn't my place to do so. Bella was getting more and more agitated, her hand movements coming faster and becoming jerkier by the moment. I resisted the urge to calm her artificially. "Talk to me."

"About what? Yesterday I felt nothing and today I feel too much. No one person is supposed to feel this much at once. I'm so angry that I feel like I might explode if I don't burn to death from it first. I know that this wasn't Alice's fault but I can't help blaming her for it."

"Do you blame Edward?" I asked in a calm voice. Her shock rolled through me.

"Of course not. Why would I blame him?" She sounded as confused as she felt.

"He was too late to save you. He found you, bleeding on the pavement, just minutes too late." Her rage bubbled to the surface once more.

"Shut up, Jasper." Her voice was quiet but filled with pain. I could feel her reluctance. She didn't want to blame Edward. I just waited while her emotions rolled beneath the surface.

The rest of our time for therapy passed in silence. I was unwilling to give her an easy out and she was just as unwilling to talk to me about what she was feeling and thinking. Once the time was up I carried her back to her room as the others slowly made their way home.

I tried to get her settled on the bed comfortably.

"Will you hand me my CD book please?" she asked. It was the first thing she had said in over an hour. I sighed.

"I can't."

"What? Why not?" she asked, her anger rising once more.

"Last night we loaded all of your CD's onto an iPod. It's there, on your bedside table," I explained.

"I don't understand."

I hesitated, wondering how to phrase the reasoning behind the decision to take her CD's from her. Apparently I took a minute too long.

"You thought I would use them as a weapon, didn't you?" Her voice was quiet and full of the anguish that was suddenly throbbing through the room.

"That was our concern, yes." I had to answer her honestly.

Her eyes turned away from me. "Leave me alone, please."

"Call for one of us if you need anything." I turned and placed her journal and pen within easy reach. "Try to write about it. It may help." Irritation spiked from Bella.

"Just go, Jasper. I really don't want to see you or anyone else right now."

I gave in to her wishes and left her room, closing the door behind me. I could hear her pick up the new iPod and shuffle through it, looking for the songs she wanted. Her selection was telling. Many nights I have lost myself in Linkin Park so I could understand the attraction for Bella.

The rest of the day passed quietly for us all. Esme was planning a traditional Thanksgiving meal for the next day, in an attempt to give Bella a sense of normalcy on the holiday. Alice was planning out how to arrange all the furniture in Bella's room that was due to arrive on Friday. Edward was in his room, listening to music and reading. I could feel his longing for Bella and it ached. Carlisle was in his study, reading. Emmett and Rosalie were sitting quietly for once.

Bella's pain and anger was affecting us all.

I was interrupted from my musings by the ringing of the phone. The confusion I felt from others matched my own. We had a phone line in the house for appearance's sake however, all of our friends called our individual cell phones. Who could be calling?

Carlisle answered.

"Hello?"

"Is this Doctor Carlisle Cullen?" a male voice asked. He was unfamiliar to me.

"Yes, this is Doctor Cullen. Can I help you?" Carlisle was nothing if not unfailingly polite.

"This is Sam Uley. I'm the leader of the Quileute tribe in La Push. I heard from Charlie Swan that his daughter, Bella, is staying with you?" I could hear the anger and disgust in his voice from my seat in my study.

"Yes, she is." I had to hand it to Carlisle; he was much more calm than I currently was.

"I know who you are, and what, as you are aware of who and what I am. I must ask you, what are your intentions with her?" Sam's voice was firm and unwavering.

"Our intentions are only to help her through her trauma and give her a safe place to recover," Carlisle's voice had gone slightly cold.

"And you believe she is safe with you?"

"I know that she is."

"I have no such confidence. I'm sure you understand that the terms of the treaty have not changed over the years. We will be watching," the disembodied voice of Sam Uley said.

"I understand. Thank you for your concern."

The click of the phone being hung up was the only response Carlisle was given.

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With Charlie's visit rapidly approaching, I wanted Bella's emotional state to be as stable as possible. I allowed her to eat dinner in her room and withdraw a bit in order to stabilize herself a bit. She fell asleep not long after finishing. I had thought that sleep would bring me some relief from her vivid emotions but I was mistaken. If anything, her emotional state was even more turbulent. Esme was sitting with her and I could feel her concern for Bella.

"Jasper, do something!" hissed Rosalie. I turned to face her.

"I can't. She has to feel her own feelings right now. It would be artificial and temporary if I was to calm her and it would only hinder the process in the long run," I tried to explain.

"She's sleeping now. What would it hurt?"

"Sleep and dreams are the unconscious mind's attempt to process pain and events. I can't and won't take that from her, no matter how much I might want to," I sighed. My eyes drifted to the ceiling.

Bella was crying in her sleep.

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Thanksgiving morning dawned with everyone on edge. Bella was still sullen and withdrawn around all of us, especially Alice, and Charlie's impending visit was not doing anything to calm her. Esme had woken her at the normal time of 8:30, trying to get the routine back on track as much as possible, though we were forgoing physical therapy since it was a holiday. The problems started not long after.

Bella threw a fit when Alice entered the room to dress her and Bentley for the day.

"Stay away from me Alice! I don't want you touching me."

I could feel Alice's heartbreak from downstairs and I longed to comfort her.

Esme stayed to dress Bella and Bentley instead. In honor of the holiday, they were dressed in autumn colors. Bella was in a long, heavy chocolate brown skirt with a burgundy blouse and Bentley was in a chocolate brown suit with a burgundy shirt under it. He even had a tiny burgundy handkerchief peeking out from his breast pocket. He looked adorable. Bella would have looked beautiful, but her eyes were filled with pain and had deep circles etched under them that would be startling even to human eyes. Her hair hung limply around her pale face. I could see that she was starting to lose weight and made a mental note to speak with Carlisle about it.

Once Bella was settled on the couch I left her in the capable hands of Esme and Rosalie and went upstairs to Alice. I found her curled on our bed, her eyes open and unseeing. I knew she would be searching the future so I just waited for her to come back to me.

After a few minutes her eyes cleared and focused on me.

"Nothing. I see nothing of her future, Jazzy," she whispered with a shudder.

"Her emotions are so turbulent right now that it's probably impossible for her to make concrete decisions. It's more than likely hindering your ability to see her," I said soothingly, sitting beside her and rubbing her back.

"Everything's so blurry. I'll see a vision of her one minute and it's gone or completely changed the next. It's like everything is in complete chaos."

"That's not far from the truth, Alice. She's in the middle of an emotional storm and we just have to ride it out with her and hold on. Hopefully that will encourage her to do the same." I hesitated, knowing what I wanted to ask. "Has the vision of her dead gone away?"

She sighed. "Yes, but there are others. I think it's still an option for her but she's trying not to think about it. Like she's found some sort of reason to try."

I thought about that for a few minutes. The only thing that had changed was her emotional explosion but that had made things temporarily much worse for Bella. Her feelings were now out in the open instead of buried and she had to deal with them.

Then it hit me.

Edward.

His moment with Bella the night before could very well have given her a reason to try. She loved him so much that it just might be enough to keep her living. But that is a large burden to place on someone and I was reluctant to discuss it with Edward. If she were to depend solely on him for a reason to live and he were to make another mistake, causing Bella to go through with her suicide plans, it would devastate him, forever. We could lose them both. It was risky.

"Jasper, what are you thinking about?" Alice asked excitedly. I looked back over to her face to see her eyes had a bit of their sparkle back.

"Edward and Bella, why?" I was curious.

"Whatever you thought brought back a beautiful vision I had of the two of them. It's a hopeful one," she explained. I nodded in comprehension. Apparently it was a risk worth taking. I needed to talk to Edward.

"Go," Alice encouraged. I kissed her on the forehead before heading downstairs to find my brother.

It wasn't difficult to locate him. He was where he always is: the piano bench.

"Can I talk to you?" I asked. He shrugged. "Let's take a walk." Edward rose fluidly and followed me outside. Once we were a sufficient distance from the house so as not to be overheard I turned to him.

"I need your help with Bella."

"I can't even talk to her. What help can I be?" he asked, his voice weighted with pain.

"Alice thinks that Bella has found a reason to try and live. The vision of her dead has faded but there are flashes of others, like she is still considering it as an option but trying not to think about it. I think that reason is you," I told him. His eyes widened and his emotions nearly crushed me. There was both fear and hope, mixing together in what felt like an emotional tornado. I shook my head in an attempt to clear it. "Could you please try to calm down for a moment? Your emotions are making it hard for me to think," I pleaded with him.

Edward closed his eyes and tried to control his reaction. Quickly things were back at a manageable level for me.

"Thank you."

"What makes you think I'm her reason to try and live?" he asked me in a quiet voice.

"Simple. I was there yesterday with the two of you. She could see the love and remorse in your eyes. I could feel her love for you. It's giving her something to hold on to."

He slowly nodded. "So what can I do to help?"

"Try to spend more time with her. Help her realize how much you love her. I know you still can't speak to her but there are many ways besides words for her to understand. I also have an idea about a way you could possibly help with her therapy but I want to wait on that for a while, until she is a bit more stable."

I could practically see the wheels turning in Edward's mind as he considered different ways of telling Bella how much he loved her.

"But Edward, please be careful. I really can't have a repeat of the other night. She's emotionally fractured right now. Expect mood swings, from anger to tears and back again. Sometimes it will be over nothing. It's just part of the process. You will need to stay calm should anything happen and just try to be what she needs. I'm never going to be far from her unless she's sleeping and I have to hunt, so that should help."

"I won't fail her again, Jasper. I promise."

"Let's get back to the house. Charlie should be arriving soon."

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When we arrived home, everyone was congregated in the living room. Bella wasn't looking at anyone; she simply stared at Bentley and fidgeted with his tail. She was feeling incredibly anxious. Inwardly I sighed but there was nothing I could do to ease her tension. Emmett looked between Bella and I and I could see on his face that he was planning something.

"Bella," he said in a softer than normal voice. I was grateful that he was making an effort not to scare her. "Would you like to play Clue with me?" Several family members chuckled. Emmett loved board games but wouldn't play very often with the rest of us. He claimed Carlisle was too logical and that was cheating. Of course, Alice, Edward and I were out because of our gifts. Esme wasn't competitive enough for him and Rosalie didn't care for board games, though he had, at times, managed to talk her into playing.

Bella seemed to be considering the idea, which surprised me. I could feel my reaction echoed in the rest of the family, with the exception of Emmett, who simply waited patiently.

"Sure," she said quietly.

Emmett's smile could have lit up the town of Forks. He was so excited. Ever since Bella had moved in he had longed to build a relationship with her, but didn't want to push her into anything she wasn't ready for. He had years of experience with Rosalie to draw from when it came to trying with Bella.

Bella's gaze followed Emmett as he rushed over to a cabinet and pulled it open. Her eyes grew wide as she took in the closet stuffed with board games. Not just a mixture of board games, however. There were dozens of brand new Clue games, not to mention several others. I chuckled.

"We use a new one every time so that no one has an advantage in being able to see the defects in the cards and know what they are the next time. After each game we donate the used one to a local shelter or hospital so they don't go to waste," I explained.

Emmett bounded back to the coffee table in front of the couch Bella was sitting on and made quick work of opening the game and setting things up. He insisted Bella choose the cards to go into the center so he couldn't be accused of cheating.

What followed was probably the most entertaining game of Clue I had ever witnessed. Bella, with her emotional instability, had a natural poker face that was impossible for Emmett to read. She gave nothing away. He focused more and more, to the point that he was staring at his score card with the tip of his tongue pointing out of the side of his mouth. The entire family was watching by this point and I could feel their amusement. It was Bella's turn.

"I have a guess. Colonel Mustard, in the ballroom, with the rope." She sounded confident. Esme, who, according to Emmett, would never cheat, checked the cards quickly before flipping them over to show that Bella was correct.

Emmett's gasp of shock and expression of horror was so comical the entire room burst out laughing.

Including Bella.

As soon as she realized what she had done she froze and then burst into tears.

Everyone had different reactions to her outburst. Emmett just sat back and waited, as did Rosalie, though she moved over to sit on Emmett's lap. Esme immediately wrapped her arms around Bella and held her as she cried. Alice came over to me, wanting to comfort Bella but knowing she would be unwelcome. I took her in my arms. But Edward surprised us all. He moved to sit on the coffee table, the game board long forgotten, and simply sat, facing Bella. He leaned towards her with his hands clasped, his elbows on his knees, and simply watched her. I was very proud of my brother in that moment.

The room remained silent as Bella cried until the tears began to slow.

"Edward?" she whispered without looking up. Her hand reached out towards where he was sitting. Slowly, making sure she could see his hand moving from her position, he reached out and took her hand in his.

Bella's reaction was instant. She felt calmer and soothed by his presence and simply holding his hand. I tried to bite back the smile that was fighting to take over my face. They held hands, his thumb stroking over her knuckles in a gesture of comfort and peace.

The moment was interrupted by a knock at the door. Charlie had arrived.

Quickly, everyone save Edward, Bella and I scampered to make things appear more normal. Emmett and Rosalie started another game of Clue; Alice started to set the table in the dining room, Esme went to check on the meal (the somewhat disgusting smells of which had been filling the house all day) and Carlisle went to open the door.

"Charlie, it's good to see you. Please, come in," Carlisle said courteously. I could feel Charlie's nerves and they were grating on me. I debated calming him and decided against it. I couldn't shield Bella from life.

Carlisle led Charlie into the living room where we appeared to be a normal family enjoying the holiday together. Esme came in, wiping her hands on a festive dishtowel.

"Charlie, it's so lovely to see you!" she said as she walked over to quickly hug him. I could see where Bella got her tendency to blush from; Charlie was red as a beet in that moment. I smothered my chuckles.

"Thank you. Something sure smells good," he commented awkwardly, avoiding looking at Bella. I could feel his apprehension about looking at his daughter. It had only been a few days since the hospital and I could understand his concerns about seeing Bella. She looked far from healthy.

"Thank you, Charlie. Are you hungry? There are some appetizers ready, if you would like," Esme said sweetly.

"No, that's alright. I can't really stay too long. I'm expected in La Push," he muttered, blushing again.

"Well alright. Let me know if you need anything," Esme said before returning to the kitchen.

Finally, Charlie looked at Bella. His indrawn breath and sharp stab of pain and fear betrayed his reaction as he took in her lifeless appearance. She was curled on the couch around Bentley, still holding on to Edward's hand. Charlie actually felt relief when he noted their grasp. He moved slowly and carefully towards the chair next to the couch, trying not to frighten her.

"Hello, Bella."

She didn't say anything, just continued to stare at her hand, linked with Edward's.

"How have you been doing?" he asked quietly. He was speaking to her as if she was a child and I could feel her mounting irritation with it. I waited for the inevitable explosion. Bella's temper was volatile these days…

It wasn't long in coming.

"How do you think I am doing?" she said, venom dripping in her voice. She finally looked at him and anger was flashing through her eyes. "I've lost nearly a year of my life and have been completely destroyed. I'm living with people who watch me every second of every day, including when I sleep, to make sure I don't hurt myself. I'm just peachy, thanks for asking."

Charlie looked as though she had slapped him. He glanced towards Carlisle, who had taken a seat across the room.

"Bella, I…" he began, but she cut him off.

"You know what, Charlie? Just go. You couldn't deal with me then and I can't deal with you now."

A single tear slipped from Charlie's eye and I could feel how his words shredded his heart. His only daughter… his anguish was seeping through every ounce of me.

Charlie stood and started to walk towards the door but hesitated; looking back one more time at the broken daughter that was his whole world.

"I love you, Bella. You are everything good in my life. I'm sorry I can't be what you need right now but that doesn't change the fact that I love you. Nothing ever will. And I'll still be waiting for you when you are ready."

As the door clicked shut behind Charlie Bella dissolved into tears once more.

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**Reviews are love and keep away writer's block!**


	16. Progress

**I don't own Twilight.**

**Finally, the rest of Thanksgiving and some things I know all of you have been waiting for. No, not Alice's vision. Not yet, anyway. :) Thanks to all who take the time to review. You are appreciated!! **

**Song theme for this chapter and the next: Linkin Park's Breaking the Habit.**

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****JPOV**

Edward never moved from his position holding Bella's hand. His eyes stayed on her face, and I could feel the love for her that he was trying desperately for her to see. He slowly ran his thumb over her hand in circles, attempting to comfort her as she sobbed in the wake of Charlie's visit.

Her emotions were scattered. She felt shame, anger, guilt, and love all warring inside of her, fighting for control and dominance. It was like being in the center of a tornado. I could only imagine how it must feel to Bella. Her emotions were so out of control I was shocked she didn't erupt more often. I had read enough counseling manuals and had taken enough classes to know that this was normal and healthy even. Bella was so numb for so long that the resulting flood once the walls cracked was to be expected. It would lessen with time but, until then, we were all in for a trying time. I made a mental note to have Carlisle call Charlie tomorrow and explain all this so he would understand that it really wasn't his presence that set Bella off. Hell, at this point, breathing too loudly could set Bella's temper off. Her moods were like a pendulum, swinging back and forth until balance is regained. It would take time.

Eventually her tears stopped and her wet eyes met Edward's loving ones. The two of them got lost in another of their moments, just staring at one another. I could feel shock and wonder in Bella, and I knew she was starting to see how much she loved Edward. I couldn't help but wonder if she realized at all how much he loved her.

Esme came back in after setting the table for the dinner that only Bella would be eating.

"Bella, dinner's ready. Would you come to the table please?" With her sweet voice and kind heart, very few people could find it within themselves to refuse Esme. Bella nodded and rose, never letting go of Edward's hand.

"Will you sit with me, Edward?" she asked hesitantly.

His answering smile and joy nearly took my breath away. It was nice to feel such strong, positive emotions from him for once. He rubbed her hand again and nodded at her. I bit the inside of my cheek to try and keep from smiling but I allowed a little of Edward's joy to leak out to everyone else. It was looking like a day to be thankful for after all.

Once everyone was seated around the table (Bentley in his own high chair next to Bella), Carlisle spoke.

"We haven't celebrated a Thanksgiving in many years, for obvious reasons, so I would like to observe a classic human tradition: I would like to go around the table and have everyone state what they are thankful for. Esme, dear, would you start?" I smiled at Carlisle's tactic. Having Esme start would leave Bella for last.

"I'm thankful that I have a family to love in this life. When my son died all those years ago, I never dreamed I would find happiness again. I chose to jump from a cliff instead of jumping into a new life. I am thankful that you found me, Carlisle, and showed me a different way and taught me to love again. I am thankful and grateful for each of you here, my children. You fill my life with joy and meaning." Esme's eyes were bright and I could feel the depth of her sincerity dripping from every word.

A single tear fell from Bella's eyes.

Carlisle was next. "I too am thankful for the family I've found and the relationships we have built. I'm thankful that we have built a life that is contrary than what others of our kind live and that we are able to live in harmony with humans. And I'm thankful for the opportunity to help those around me."

Emmett, who was seated next to Carlisle, spoke up, his voice taking on his rarely-used serious tone. "I'm thankful for Rosalie's strength and courage. I can't imagine surviving something like what she went through, much less learning to trust and love again. I'm thankful that she chose to fight for us and that she loves me. And, of course, I'm thankful for Victoria's Secret!" he finished, causing all of us to laugh.

Bella looked stunned by his words as another tear made it's way down her face.

Rosalie looked at her husband with a mixture of amusement, exasperation and adoration. "I'm thankful for Emmett's patience with me. He has always been by my side since the day he began in this life. He never resented me for choosing this for him and he stood by me during my worst moments, so I'm happy to give him all of my best." She finished by leaning over and giving him a chaste kiss.

Alice bounced in place, excited for her turn. "I'm thankful for my Jasper, and the family we have, including a new sister that I will love always, no matter what," she said simply.

Bella's feelings hit me like a wrecking ball. More guilt and shame, this time probably because of her outburst towards Alice, who had clearly forgiven her.

I was next to Alice, so it was my turn. "I'm thankful for Alice, who showed me that another way of life is possible. You saved me in every way that someone can be saved and all I have to offer you is my heart. I'm grateful that you accept it, and me, every day. I'm also thankful for the opportunity to support Bella during this time in her life, and am thankful for her trust in me." I smiled warmly at Bella as I felt her gratitude rush at me. She was almost smiling.

This left only Edward and Bella. Alice smiled.

"I'll speak for Edward, since I can already see what he's going to say." Her eyes turned towards Bella, who flushed. "Bella, Edward wants you to know that he is thankful for you." Bella gasped and looked at Edward. He was staring at her intently, willing her to believe what Alice was telling her. "He is grateful for every touch you grace him with and every moment in your presence. He celebrates that you are alive and here with all of us. There is nothing he wouldn't do for you and he wants you to know that anything you need him to be, he will move heaven and earth to be for you."

Bella tried to clear her head as more tears flowed from her eyes.

"I…I…" she started, but didn't seem to know how to finish. Instead she raised her hands and framed Edward's face. He closed his eyes and simply felt her touch. Her thumbs traced his cheekbones as she stared at him in awe and wonder. I felt something new from her that I couldn't quite place… was it resolve?

After a long moment, Bella lowered her hands and Edward opened his eyes to look at her, his expression plainly grateful. She smiled a tiny smile for him before turning to face the rest of us, who had been unashamedly watching the display.

"I guess that makes it my turn. I can't say that I'm thankful to be alive; not yet anyway. But I can say that I'm thankful for all of you. I don't know what I could possibly have done to deserve your care and patience, but I'm not going to question it. I'll simply do my best to accept the help you have all been trying to offer me. I won't say that it will be easy, but I will try," she finished in a whisper.

The smiles and relief that shone from everyone were blinding.

"That's all we can ask for Bella. We love you, and are here to help you through this. You aren't going to scare us away and we will never give up on you," Carlisle assured her.

"Thank you," she said gratefully.

It looked as though things had turned a corner for Bella. I couldn't be happier.

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The rest of the day passed in joy. Bella actually ate without having to be forced to do so. Emmett entertained everyone by eating cranberry sauce, a thoroughly disgusting looking creation. But the look on his face as it slid down his throat was priceless. I swear, if vampires could turn green, he would have been as green as the grass outside.

"May I be excused, please?" he pleaded with Esme, who was laughing.

"Absolutely not. You choose to eat that and you will just have to deal with the consequences until we are finished," she laughingly replied.

We all enjoyed watching Emmett squirm for the remainder of the meal. Bella, in a rare show of her mischievous side, ate VERY slowly. Emmett took to playfully glaring at her.

"You know, revenge is sweet small fry!" he threatened.

Bella merely smiled a bit and ate another bite of potatoes. Slowly.

"I'm quite sure I don't know what you are referring to, Emmett. I'm just enjoying the meal that Esme prepared for me. To do anything else would be rude, don't you think?" she said with an air of exaggerated innocence. She even had a bit of sparkle in her eyes.

"Oh sure, I believe you. Just you wait!" he mock growled at her, his smile betraying his true intentions. I could feel his excitement that Bella was not only responding to him, but actually teasing him back. It was worth every minute of feeling terrible after eating the nasty cranberry sauce, and then some. I knew Emmett had done it only to make her smile, though he wasn't exaggerating the way that eating the food made him feel. I was getting queasy just from being around him, and it was not a pleasant feeling. I would put up with it though, for Bella.

Soon enough for the rest of us (though not for Emmett), Bella put her fork down.

"That was delicious, Esme. It's been a long time since I've had a Thanksgiving meal I didn't have to make myself."

"Thank you, dear. I was happy to do it. I didn't realize how much I missed cooking from when I was human myself. It's a joy." Esme smiled in fondness at her youngest daughter.

"If I could be excused?" Bella questioned.

"Of course you may, Bella," replied Carlisle.

"Jasper, can we talk?" she asked quietly. Excitement blossomed throughout my entire body but I tried to not let it show, keeping a neutral expression.

"Of course. My study?" She nodded. I moved over and scooped her up in my arms. I exchanged a meaningful glance with Alice, who nodded. She would keep everyone busy and away from Bella and I for a while.

I carried Bella upstairs slower than normal in an effort to not upset her stomach since she had just eaten. I could still feel the resolve coursing through her and was curious as to what she would say.

I settled her on the couch with Bentley and offered her a blanket, which she refused. I sat down in my usual chair and just waited.

Bella clutched Bentley and took a deep breath, in an attempt to steady herself, I guessed.

"Jasper I need help."

I didn't respond, just waited.

"I feel so out of control. I lash out at people, even when I don't mean it. I mean, look at Charlie! He didn't deserve my anger. He deserves a daughter that can love him back and not hurt him so badly. I want to be that but I don't know how anymore. Can you help me?" She looked at me with pleading eyes, and I started to feel another new emotion from her: desperation.

"I can help you, but it's going to take time. This isn't something that can be fixed overnight. And it won't be easy. It's like you learning to walk again; it will take a lot of work on your part and there will be times you get frustrated and want to give up. But you have to keep fighting."

"What happens if I'm too tired to fight?" she whispered.

"Then the rest of us will carry you until you are strong enough."

The simplicity of my statement shocked her as much as it resonated. It felt like she was finally starting to realize that we were all in this for her and for the long haul. She wasn't just a pet project to us.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

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The day after Thanksgiving started with Alice, Rosalie and Esme heading out to the sales. Why, the men in the house had no idea. It wasn't like we couldn't afford to pay full price for anything they wanted. Apparently Black Friday shopping was a sport to them. I happily stayed home to direct the deliveries that began arriving mid-morning for Bella's room.

Alice had left a detailed diagram of where everything was to go so it was easy for Edward and I to direct while Carlisle and Emmett were with Bella working on physical therapy. I was surprised she seemed so ok with being alone with the two of them but I felt no anxiety from her, just determination.

Once the last of the deliveries had arrived and Edward and I had arranged everything exactly as Alice had dictated, I stopped to look around the room that was Bella's sanctuary.

The bedroom set was lovely against the walls, glowing in it's simplicity. It was rough wood, with all the imperfections showing. They gave it character. Each piece was hand-carved and fit in with the theme of a river exceptionally well, though Bella would have to use the matching stairs in order to climb into bed every night. I didn't think she would mind. Edward and I even made the bed and arranged the pillows on it. I placed her scrapbook of flowers and pages from Edward on her bedside table so it would always be within easy reach for her.

The bookcases that lined one entire wall had been painted by Alice and Emmett to look like river rocks. Without Bella knowing, we had ordered an entire library of books for her and they filled the shelves. Two large round chairs that were on swivels were arranged around the fireplace. They were extremely soft and could easily fit two people. They were a soft gray that matched the bookcases.

A large throw rug in silver, blue and green graced the floor. It looked a bit like flowing river water.

Overall, the room projected a feeling of serenity. I was pleased with how it had turned out and I knew that Bella would be comfortable there. Edward and I exchanged smiles of excitement and, after carrying the last of the boxes out back to be recycled, we went downstairs to find Bella and show her her beautiful new room.

We found her watching a movie with Emmett. I smiled at his choice. He always did have a secret love of Disney movies, though I was sure he would try to convince us later that Bella had chosen _Mulan_ to watch.

"Bella?" I said, trying to catch her attention. She turned to face me.

"Would you like to see your room?" Her eyes lit up, just a bit.

"Yes, please!" I could feel her excitement. It was contagious. I moved to pick her up but she stopped me.

"Edward, would you mind taking me?" she asked shyly. If Edward had a heart it would have been racing, as Bella's already was. He said nothing, of course, but moved over to stand in front of her. He carefully put his hands underneath her back and knees but waited to lift her, making sure she was alright with him touching her so much. She blushed, and nodded at him to continue. Slowly, gently he lifted her into his arms. The moment she was fully cradled against him Edward was filled with a peace I have never felt from him. He felt… whole, for the first time in all the years I had known him. Bella tucked her head in to his shoulder and closed her eyes, breathing him in. My eyes were wide when they met Emmett's equally amazed ones. The girls would be sorry they had missed this, though Alice would probably see it anyway. I was surprised I couldn't hear her joy from here.

Edward carried Bella slowly up the stairs, wanting, most likely, to prolong the feeling of her in his arms. I followed, knowing Edward still couldn't speak to her. Emmett chose to give them their moment and remained downstairs. Probably wanted to finish _Mulan_ anyway. After they walked through the door to her bedroom I quietly followed. Neither one of them seemed inclined to break the moment.

"Bella," I said quietly. "Open your eyes." As soon as I finished speaking her eyes opened and she gasped, taking in everything around her. She lifted a shaking hand to her mouth, which had fallen open in her astonishment.

"All of this, is for me?" Edward and I both smiled and nodded. "It's so perfect. Thank you so much."

Edward gently settled Bella in one of the chairs by the fireplace, which had a fire crackling merrily in the hearth. She swiveled the chair to study the bookcases.

"So many books…. Who chose them for me?" she asked.

"Edward did."

For the first time since the attack, a real smile stretched across Bella's face as she looked over her shoulder at Edward.

"Thank you, Edward."

I smiled watching the two of them. He was helping her heal. As long as he could keep any expectations in check he would bring her back to herself more than any of the rest of us ever could. I was proud of my brother. He moved to the bookcases and selected a book that I knew to be one of his favorites before handing it to Bella. It was a book of poetry by Emily Dickenson. She smiled. He settled on the floor at her feet as she opened the book to read. After a few minutes her hand came to rest in his hair and she started to run her fingers through it. She was engrossed in the book so I was unsure if she was even aware of her own actions.

The room flooded with contentment and peace from them both. I smiled and left them to each other, closing the door gently behind me.

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I found myself back in my study, thinking about all the changes in my family since Bella came into our lives.

Carlisle and Esme had the biggest hearts of anyone I had ever known. Helping Bella and welcoming her into the family was natural for them. They always had enough love for one more.

Emmett had shown more of his sensitive side than I had known was possible. He truly loved Bella as a little sister. I knew that he still struggled with anger sometimes when he thought about what had happened to her or saw that she was in pain but he never let Bella see it. He knew it would scare her and he wanted her trust and faith. I wasn't with the Cullens yet when Emmett had been turned and the beginning of his relationship with Rosalie but I could only imagine how hard it had been for him. He really was a gentle giant inside for those he loved, with endless patience.

Rosalie. I never dreamed I would see such softness in her. And it wasn't just concerning Bella. Rose was softening towards all of us and letting us in more than she ever had. I knew that the pain of her own attack still surfaced for her every once in a while. She had never truly allowed herself to heal; choosing instead to remember and relive the attack in order to protect herself from even more pain. I found myself thinking that helping Bella was healing Rosalie as well.

Alice was showing more faith in me than ever before. She had never doubted me, not really, but her increasing pride and confidence in me brought our relationship to a deeper level and strengthened the love we were fortunate to share.

Bella had changed me, deeply. I had never been more in control of my thirst than I was at that moment. Her blood barely registered for me. My focus was first and foremost on her health and well-being. For the first time I was putting someone other than Alice ahead of myself. It made me realize how much I had missed by keeping myself apart from the rest of the family. Bella drew me in, and, in a way, made me the son and brother I had only been pretending to be.

And of course, Edward had changed. Frozen at 17 could not be easy for him and the added burden of hearing the thoughts of others around him had not made his life easy. Bella brought him peace, despite the continuing guilt he felt for not having saved her. She balanced him and helped him find the parts of himself that had been missing. His love for her made him whole.

One damaged human had turned out to be the piece of my family that none of us had known was missing.

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The days after Thanksgiving and Bella's breakthrough were difficult, but necessary. She still had angry outbursts that came on without warning but they seemed to be spacing out a bit. Things between Alice and Bella were still strained. Bella didn't seem to know how to make amends with Alice while still dealing with the residual anger she felt towards her. In physical therapy with Rosalie and Carlisle she was making strides towards walking again. Bella had a new determination in everything that was speeding her progress. Her legs were ready; we just had to wait for her arms to heal a bit more before allowing her to try, though I knew that Bella was anxious to walk again. One day, about a week after Thanksgiving, I heard her talking to Carlisle.

"What if you or Rosalie walked with me, holding on to my waist? That way I wouldn't be putting any pressure on my arms. Please Carlisle, I really want to try," she pleaded. I could feel Carlisle's resolve weakening and snickered. He was a soft touch when it came to Bella.

He sighed. "Alright, but just a few steps to see how you do." I felt Bella's excitement and took the liberty of spreading it to the rest of the household. Maybe Carlisle would let her get away with a bit more if he could feel how much she was looking forward to walking.

I made my way downstairs quickly to the physical therapy room. I hadn't missed Bella's first steps in the hospital and I wasn't about to miss these. I saw everyone else in the living room and felt their desire to be there as well. I shook my head and felt their disappointment. Having such a large audience would only embarrass Bella. I slipped in the room without her noticing and waited.

Rosalie had Bella propped in her arms, her hands securely around Bella's waist. Carlisle was standing a few feet away, giving Bella a goal. She was anxious and resolved but there was another feeling as well. I searched for a term to describe it. Longing? It clicked into place for me.

"Wait, Carlisle. I think she wants Edward here," I murmured too low for Bella to hear me. He smiled and nodded. Of course, Edward heard and was knocking on the door before I could finish. Carlisle looked at Bella.

"Bella, would it be alright if you walked to Edward so I can watch and take notes," he asked smoothly, inserting a reason for Edward to be there as well. I felt Bella's relief and joy at the thought of taking her first steps to Edward. She blushed but nodded.

"Come in, Edward."

Quickly Carlisle positioned Edward in the place he had previously occupied as Bella's goal. Carlisle stepped back and picked up an unnecessary clipboard so his story of needing to take notes would have credibility.

"Ready?" he asked. Bella took a deep breath and slowly took a careful step.

The entire household waited with bated breath as Bella slowly crossed the floor to Edward's waiting arms. Rosalie kept in careful step with her the entire way but Bella only had eyes for Edward. When she finally reached him her smile was huge and genuine.

"I did it!" she said, sounding as excited as she felt. The rest of the household burst into cheers and applause, causing her to turn deep red. I could feel she was pleased though. Since Thanksgiving Bella had taken great strides in accepting her place in our family. She truly was the heart now.

Edward held Bella close for just a moment before turning her around to walk back to Rosalie. This time Edward kept pace with Bella as she made her way across the room. The exercise exhausted Bella but she was proud and happy with her accomplishment.

From that moment on, other than stairs Bella walked as much as she was able. She didn't need the hand crutches since there was always someone to walk with her. I knew it was only a matter of time before she was able to walk alone, though her natural inclination towards clumsiness was still a concern. I could feel how anxious she was to be able to get around on her own.

Therapy was finally making progress as well. The day she walked with Rosalie and Edward found us in our normal places while everyone else was either hunting or shopping.

"Jasper, how do I come to terms with how much I've changed?" she asked.

"I'm not sure what you mean," I answered honestly.

She thought for a moment. "Everything's different now. I'm different. Who I used to be seems to be gone and I'm not sure what's left… who's left."

"You take the time to get to know yourself again. Some things are still the same, but it will be up to you to integrate your new experiences with who you are now." I thought for a moment before continuing. "Bella, your room is a river theme, right?" She smiled and nodded. "Who we are is like a river. You never really step into the same river twice. It's constantly flowing and changing. It's always different. It's the same with all of us. Every interaction, every memory changes who we are in small or large ways. Sometimes the changes are so large that they are overwhelming, but it's possible to still get through it. It just takes time."

"I used to be so sure of who I was and what I wanted to become. Now life has completely changed and I'm someone I never dreamed I would be. I'm not sure where to go from here."

"All you can do is adapt. Try writing about it. You may be surprised how much of yourself you recognize. You can't let your past dictate everything about yourself, but you have to let it become a part of who you will be. Otherwise you will always be at war with yourself and you will never find peace. Trust me, I know."

Bella's eyes slightly unfocused as she thought about what I had said and we spent the rest of the session in comfortable silence, lost in our own thoughts.

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**Reviews are love! **


	17. Journals

**I don't own Twilight.**

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_December 2_

_Jasper tells me that I might be able to discover who I am now by writing. Maybe he's right. I just wish I knew where to start. It's been nine months since I was attacked and three since I returned from my river. _

_My river… I try not to think about it much. I miss it sometimes. Everything was so much easier floating on the water, away from reality. I didn't have to worry about who I was; I could simply be. But it was lonely. I thought that, once I returned, I wouldn't be so lonely anymore. I was wrong. I can be surrounded by the entire Cullen family and still feel completely alone. _

_Sometimes it's like I'm not even there. I see what's going on around me and know that physically I am present but the rest of me is just gone. There's a wall between me and the rest of them. Some days I want to get past it. Others I want to hide forever. It's safer that way. _

_December 3_

_I'm not sure what to do about Alice. I haven't really spoken to her since Thanksgiving. I know that it isn't really her fault that I was … anyway. But I can't help but blame her. What's the point of seeing the future if you can't save the people you supposedly care about? I'm trying to let go of the anger but I just can't. Not yet. Jasper says that's ok and that it will come in time. _

_Maybe I need to blame someone. I can't very well blame the men who did it. They're dead. If it isn't Alice's fault, maybe it's mine. _

_I was the one walking around in the dark in an unfamiliar town. _

_Stupid. _

_It could be my fault. _

_It's probably my fault._

_December 3 – Again._

_During my session with Jasper today I mentioned that I thought maybe it was my fault. I don't think I've ever seen him quite that angry. He made me repeat over and over again that it wasn't my fault. _

_It wasn't my fault that I was raped._

_It was frustrating. He just wouldn't let it go. I must have repeated that stupid sentence for half an hour before he was somewhat satisfied. _

_I have a feeling that I haven't heard the last of that statement._

_December 4_

_Today sucked. I just woke up feeling off and nothing seemed to help. I just wanted to be left alone but everyone was just so…nice. Finally I snapped at Esme for pushing me to eat. _

_She looked so hurt._

_I didn't mean to hurt her feelings; I just wanted some time to myself. I wonder if they think they will lose me to the river again if they leave me alone too long. Or if they are still worried I'll kill myself. _

_As if._

_That hasn't been a possibility in a while. Not since Charlie's visit at Thanksgiving._

_Charlie._

_I don't even feel like his daughter anymore. Sometimes I think that the six months I spent floating caused the real Bella to die and left me in her place. Maybe I'm just a pale imitation, a shadow, of who and what she was. Who and what she was supposed to be. _

_How does someone start again? I think it was almost easier for Rosalie. When she was attacked, she died. She had no choice but to start an entirely new life. She didn't have to figure out how to deal with parents that were afraid of her or friends she was to ashamed to see. _

_Yes, she definitely had it easier._

_December 5_

_Today was a rare sunny day in Forks so the men decided to go find a Christmas tree. Well, really it was several trees. Alice goes all out for the holidays. Each couple gets a tree of their own in their rooms. I guess I get one too. Plus there's a huge one for the living room. _

_I almost laughed seeing the men leave. Since there was no danger of them being seen in the forest on their own land, the men stripped down to cutoff shorts so as not to ruin any clothes. I think that was Alice's idea. She's nuts about clothes. It was the first time I've seen any of them in sunlight. They sparkle. It's really beautiful. I don't think they knew I was watching at first because Jasper got a little upset when he saw me standing in the doorway. I couldn't figure out what was bothering him._

_Not until later, anyway, when he asked me if his scars bothered me. _

_Why should they? I'm scarred too._

_December 6_

_Edward. I've been avoiding writing about him because honestly, I'm not sure what to say. He still doesn't speak to me and I know that's for the best. His voice … no, better not chance it._

_Sometimes I think I might love him. But how can someone so damaged even know how to love? Instead of scaring me, his touch makes me feel safe. I know I'm not good enough for him though. I'm damaged goods. He deserves better. But I'm selfish and I can't give up the time I have with him, no matter how brief it may be. _

_He still leaves me flowers though they are always unusual. I haven't figured out why he chooses the ones he does but they are also always beautiful. So long as they aren't white roses, I'm happy. He seems to understand that now. _

_I can't stop thinking about the first few times we touched. That day by the sliding glass door… I knew that he understood my message for him. His hand was so close to mine. I could feel him through the glass. I was so grateful that he understood what I was trying to tell him._

_I can't even describe how I felt when he touched my face the day after my massive panic attack. For just a few minutes I wasn't a victim anymore. I was just a girl in love with a boy. And maybe the boy loved her back… The moment ended, of course, but it gave me something to cling to in the darkness. No matter what he feels for me, I still have those memories._

_What do I do where he is concerned? He deserves a complete person. I'm not sure I'll ever be that again._

_December 7_

_I love having my very own Christmas tree. When Alice first suggested it, I thought she was crazy. Now I absolutely adore it. It is decorated in blue lights with silver and blue ornaments all over it so that it coordinates with the rest of my room. It's beautiful. I find myself sitting, staring at it from my chair by the fireplace. _

_I'm spending more of my time in my room. I feel a little awkward around the others since I am so out of control emotionally. I don't want to blow up at anyone like I did at Esme the other day. So instead, I'm hiding. _

_This morning I was staring at the tree and I noticed something. I found beautiful silver ornaments that reminded me of the people in my life. I assume Alice did this on purpose._

_I found a grizzly bear that must be for Emmett; a cell phone for Rosalie; a credit card for Alice; a flower for Esme; a flag for Jasper; a book for Carlisle; a page of sheet music for Edward; and a police badge for Charlie. I looked closer and found each person's name engraved on the back, along with the year. _

_There's probably an ornament for me, but I don't want to look for it. I don't need to know how they see me._

_December 8_

_For some strange reason I keep thinking about school. This was supposed to be my senior year and I'm spending it…like this. _

_This wasn't how life was supposed to turn out for me. I can't even stand the thought of being in a crowded school. How am I supposed to finish high school?_

_And what about college? That's not a possibility for me now either. Am I going to become a total shut-in, incapable of going outside?_

_I thought about calling Charlie today to apologize for Thanksgiving. I know that he loves me; or at least who I used to be, but I don't know how to act around him. _

_I keep thinking about Rosalie's story. She didn't survive. Maybe it would have been better if I hadn't. Maybe I've been tempting fate all this time. I should have died the day Tyler's car skidded through the parking lot. Perhaps this is the cost of staying alive and cheating death. My punishment, in a way. _

_I didn't ask to be saved._

_December 9_

_Jasper is pleased that I'm writing so much though I doubt he would be so happy if he knew __what__ I was writing. It's not exactly Hallmark, is it? But it's what is in me to write. _

_I talked to Alice today. I guess that future-seeing thing is pretty powerful because, as soon as I decided to talk to her, she was knocking on my door. It was awkward for a few minutes but then she took things out of my hands and hugged me. I didn't think she would forgive me so easily. I wouldn't have, if it had been me. _

_She told me how sorry she was that she didn't see what was happening in time. This time I didn't feel any anger about it. I guess I'm just resigned to life like this now. I can't change the past; I can only live with it. I'm supposed to "incorporate" who I was, what has happened, and who I want to be into one person somehow but I have no idea how to do that or even where to start. _

_Maybe I should start with the little things… _

_My name is Isabella Marie Swan, but I prefer to be called Bella._

_Nope, that hasn't changed. _

_My favorite color is topaz, the color of Edward's eyes._

_That's changed. It used to be red._

_I love to read anything and everything. I used to love the romantic classics but now I lean a bit more towards contemporary thrillers. Things with little to no romance. Gee, wonder why. _

_I can forgive anyone but myself…_

_Whoa. Where did that come from?_

_December 10_

_December 11_

_December 12_

_I guess I can't ignore this forever. I haven't spoken in my sessions with Jasper since the last time I wrote in here. I know he's confused. I just needed to sort things out a bit. _

_I've hardly left my room in the past two days and I know everyone is worried. I just need to think. _

_Who am I?_

_How do I build a bridge between the girl I was once upon a time and the person that I'm becoming? _

_I don't like feeling weak. I don't like being scared._

_I hate what this has done to me._

_I hate the men who did this to me._

_I hate that I didn't scream; didn't do anything to stop it. _

_I hate that I wasn't strong enough to save myself._

_Am I strong enough to survive?_

_I wish I knew. _

_Who am I?_

_December 13_

_Another day. This is starting to feel monotonous. The routine that I once found so secure is starting to smother me. But it keeps me from having to think and that I appreciate. How could I not? I have so much going on inside my head; it's nice to have one less thing running amok in here. _

_Christmas is coming up. I have no idea what to do for everyone for the holiday. It's not like I have money to spend anyway. _

_I wish I could find the joy in the holiday I used to. When I was younger it was my favorite time of year. It was magical. But back then I was innocent, and had no idea what the world could hold. It makes me sad that I've lost that._

_No, not lost it. It was taken from me, by force and against my will._

_I'm so angry. My virginity was supposed to be special, and I wanted to give it to someone that mattered. Jasper says what I have left to give is still just as special. He says that giving my trust to a man and having sex with him is just a different kind of first for me. It will still be special._

_I can't think about it without getting nauseous. Will that ever change? _

_I think I'll talk to Rosalie about it._

_December 14_

_Darn future-seeing meddling shrimp. _

_Apparently Alice saw my decision to talk to Rosalie and she also saw me chicken out. So she sent Rosalie to talk to me. Cheating. _

_But it helped. I spoke with Rosalie about how I'm feeling about men. She told me that it took her a long time to do anything more than hold hands with Emmett. I was surprised, given how… active … they are now. She said it took time but that now she takes back a bit of herself every time she is with Emmett. _

_I hadn't thought of it that way. _

_She told me again not to let dead men rule my life. I can see what she means. Everything I think; everything I do, it's all tied into the rape. My rape. I hate that I can say that. That I have to say that. It's taken everything from me._

_Well, almost everything. _

_I can still choose. _

_December 15_

_Jasper gave me a book to read and I think it's helping. The basic premise is that we can't control what happens to and around us much of the time. All we can control is how we react to it. Therein is the final human freedom. My final freedom. _

_So how do I want to react?_

_I know none of this will happen overnight but maybe thinking about it will give me a goal to work towards._

_I want to be the kind of person that rises from her circumstances and makes something better._

_I want to be someone that helps others and by doing so gives meaning to her suffering._

_I don't want to be a victim._

_I want to be someone worthy of love, and capable of loving. _

_Eventually, I want to be able to give myself freely, and without fear._

_I want to be able to be in a room full of people and see simply people, instead of potential threats. _

_I want to be able to live life instead of hiding away. I haven't left the Cullens' house since I arrived nearly a month ago._

_I want to be strong, and independent. _

_I want to be whole._

_So how do I get there?_

_December 16_

_I've been listening to a lot of Linkin Park. I know, not the most soothing music but whatever. I have found one song in particular that is pushing me, driving me towards the changes I want to make. It's called "Breaking the Habit". It screams at me to change. I've always loved music, but Edward's messages to me through song have caused me to see it differently than I used to. Now it speaks to me in a different way; deeper, somehow. _

_Nothing else seems to be working, so I'll go with it. _

_The first verse is this:_

"_Memories consume_

_Like opening the wound_

_I'm picking me apart again."_

_Duh. _

_But now that I think about it, that's right. I keep trying to not think about the attack, the rape. I pretend that, if I don't think about it or remember, it will just go away and maybe I'll be ok again. But it doesn't, and I won't. Ignoring it isn't helping, it isn't working. Trying not to think about it keeps it constantly on my mind. Maybe it's time to actually talk about it._

_But I'm not sure that I can. I've never had to tell anyone what exactly happened since the men were killed and there was no trial. Can I really relive it for someone else? Am I ready for that?_

"_You all assume_

_I'm safe here in my room_

_Unless I try to start again"_

_Again, duh. This song is pretty easy to find meaning in for me right now._

"_I don't want to be the one_

_The battles always choose_

'_Cause inside I realize_

_That I'm the one confused"_

_It always finds me. I can't hide from something that is a part of who and what I am. Denying it is giving it too much power over me. It's fighting a battle inside me that I can't win._

"_I don't know what's worth fighting for_

_Or why I have to scream_

_I don't know why I instigate_

_Or say what I don't mean._

_I don't know how I got this way_

_I know it's not alright_

_So I'm breaking the habit_

_I'm breaking the habit tonight."_

_Oh. What's worth fighting for… I guess that's the question. Am I worth fighting for? Is what's left of my life worth fighting for? I guess I have to make that decision for myself._

_Why I scream, why I instigate and say what I don't mean… I'm so out of balance. I'm murderously angry one second and the next I'm in tears. It's frustrating, which only adds to the problem. I can't win. Maybe it's not a matter of winning. But it's not alright. _

_And it needs to end._

"_Clutching my cure_

_I tightly lock the door_

_I try to catch my breath again"_

_My cure… I'm not sure there really is a 'cure' for me. But I am always locking myself in my room, trying to calm down or just to survive until the next moment. It has truly become my sanctuary. I spend most of my time here. It's the eye of the storm for me. In here I don't have to try and be anything for anyone._

"_I hurt much more_

_Than anytime before_

_I had no options left again"_

_Sometimes I wish one of the Cullens would just turn me so I never have to sleep or dream again. I could start over. Charlie and Renee could think me gone and move on with their lives, remembering the daughter I used to be to them, instead of the hollow shell that's left now._

_I could be like Rosalie…_

"_I'll paint it on the walls_

_Cause I'm the one at fault_

_I'll never fight again_

_And this is how it ends"_

_I know, I know. It's not my fault I was raped (or so Jasper keeps forcing me to say). But some of the things I've done since have been. It has to end. I can't go on this way…_

"_I don't know what's worth fighting for_

_Or why I have to scream_

_But now I have some clarity _

_To show you what I mean_

_I don't know how I got this way_

_I know it's not alright_

_So I'm breaking the habit_

_I'm breaking the habit_

_I'm breaking the habit tonight"_

_I need to talk to Jasper._

_

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**Reviews are love!**


	18. Revealing

**Warning - Long A/N. This chapter is being published later than I planned, especially considering I had most of it written before I posted the last chapter. The reason is simple. When I wrote this chapter, Bella's rape came pouring out and I never intended to describe that in this story. It happened very naturally but I couldn't help but war with myself over posting something like that. As many of you may have guessed from this story, I am a survivor of severe trauma. Recently I was triggered by a man I was dating. He didn't intend to do so, but the consequences were severe for me. As a result, I cannot, in good conscience, post something that may evoke a similar response in another person. I just can't do it. Tonight, with the support of another author that I am grateful for and who has listened to me talk about this story more times than I can count, I decided to edit this chapter and remove the details of Bella's attack. I hope that the chapter keeps the emotion I wanted to get across without the detail. I think it will. **

**To those of you who have humbled me with your reviews and PM's about your own experiences, I am in awe of your bravery and courage. Thank you for sharing your stories with me and sticking with a story that must be painful for you. I hope you find healing in these pages as well.**

**As always, I don't own Twilight.**

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**JPOV

Bella had been acting strangely since December began. She spent most of her time in her room with the door locked. I wasn't sure what to make of it. I knew she was writing in her journal, though I didn't ask to read it. Her emotions were so all over the place when she was writing that it was making me insane with curiosity.

I was shocked and angry the day she admitted she thought the rape might have been her fault. I made her repeat that it wasn't over and over again until I thought it might have started to sink in. I still make her say it at least once a day. And I'll keep making her say it until I feel that she believes it.

Her emotions are still so erratic. I told everyone to expect the outbursts to continue for a while. It didn't keep Esme's feelings from being hurt when Bella snapped at her. She was only trying to help. At least she and Alice had patched things up. It had been getting difficult to be around both of them longing for each other. But I couldn't interfere. Bella had to take that step for herself. As much as I might wish to be able to speed things along for her it would only make everything worse in the end. She has to get there on her own.

Now if I could just convince my family of that.

Especially Edward.

He was ready for Bella to be healed. It never sat well with him that I refused to use my gift on Bella. He thought we could gradually reduce the amount I was controlling her emotions until she could "handle" it. He couldn't see how weak that would make her. Bella needed to learn to be strong in order to survive this. Humans are more resilient than we tend to give them credit for. I may have doubted once that Bella would make it through the trauma but, after seeing her resolve these past few weeks, I don't any longer. She's stronger than we all realized.

There were several days Bella refused to speak during her sessions with me. I wasn't too concerned, because her eyes clearly showed that she was thinking hard about something. As much as I wanted to I didn't push her for answers. I knew she would talk to me when she was ready, although, when she finally did start talking again, it wasn't about anything that would have caused her silence for so long.

We did talk about how she felt about losing her virginity to rape. Initially I wasn't very comfortable with the topic, having never spoken to a human about sex before, but I did my best not to show it. Truthfully, I had thought about how to discuss the topic when it came up, which I knew it inevitably would.

I told Bella that choosing to have sex for the first time is just a different kind of virginity. It's even more precious now, given what she's been through. Hopefully she'll see the truth in that. Any man worth his salt would treat that first time as sacred.

I gave her a book that I had hoped would help her. It was Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. It was one book I had read many times, though I had it memorized. I always seemed to find a new depth to it. I hoped it would be the same for Bella. Truly, it's an incredible book about overcoming suffering by finding meaning in it. I gave her the book a few days ago and, knowing how quickly she reads, she's probably already finished it, though she hasn't yet mentioned it to me.

Physically she's doing much better. She can walk unassisted though most of us still hold our breath when we hear her. We tend to keep close but out of sight, just in case. Someone still goes up and down the stairs with her. I knew she was enjoying her small freedoms.

I could hear Bella writing in her journal. Suddenly she closed the book and walked quickly (for her) towards my office. I could feel determination and resolve emanating from her in waves and I was curious as to what had her feeling so strongly. She knocked on my door.

"Come in, Bella."

She walked in to the study, her legs still moving a bit stiffly after so many months of disuse. It would be another few weeks before she would be back to a normal gait. She was carrying both Bentley and her journal. I watched carefully but made no move to help her as she situated herself on the sofa in her customary position.

I could feel a slight hesitation in Bella and she refused to meet my eyes. I moved around my desk and went to sit in the chair that was across from the sofa, trying to put her more at ease. I waited for her to speak, not wanting to push her.

"Jasper, I…" she started in a whisper. "I think I'm ready now. Well, not ready so much as I think I have to…" Again she trailed off. Her emotions were a battleground of fear, panic, pain, anticipation, and determination. I thought I might know what was coming.

Bella took a deep breath to steady herself and finally met my eyes before speaking. "I need to tell you what happened that day. The day I was … raped," she said, her voice quiet but clear.

Everyone was home for the day except Alice and Edward, who were at school. I knew Bella wouldn't want an audience. I spoke quickly and so Bella couldn't hear me.

"Would everyone mind leaving for a while to give Bella some privacy? Several hours should do," I requested quietly. I immediately heard the rest of the family heading out the front door. As soon as I closed I turned back to Bella.

"Alright. Where would you like to start?" I asked her. She shifted in her seat, holding tightly to Bentley.

"I'm not sure where to start. It's been so long and I've tried so hard to forget… I remember that day I was shopping with Jessica and Angela. I hadn't really wanted to go but I thought I could find a bookstore in Port Angeles, since Forks doesn't have one. It's such a small town I didn't think there would be any problems with me going off alone to find the bookstore while they finished shopping for the dance."

Her eyes slightly unfocused as she fought to remember what she wanted to forget.

"The dance… it seems so silly now. Such a small thing… Anyway, I couldn't find a bookstore and I got turned around. I thought I would make my way back to the boardwalk and familiar territory but I just kept going further from where I was supposed to be. It was getting dark and I heard footsteps behind me. I tried to get away but realized quickly that I had been basically herded to where they wanted me. Two of the men had followed me and another two waited where I ended up. I recognized them as men who had shouted at me earlier in the day."

I wanted desperately to take her hand and hold it through this but I knew that the gesture would be inappropriate and ill-advised. Before my eyes Bella seemed to curl into herself. I fought to maintain a professional distance as I listened to Bella tell me her story. I felt everything she felt as she finally opened herself up to the trauma that others had forced upon her.

Though I had some inclination from Carlisle what had happened to Bella, I was unprepared for the brutal reality of her story. During my time with Maria in the south I had seen rape of women but this was the first time I had ever heard the victim's tale. It made me feel a deep shame for all the times I had done nothing to save the women. As Bella finished telling me about the rape that took so much from her I felt as though I had physically been torn apart. I felt every moment along with her and I was in awe that she had survived something so shattering. She was much stronger than I could ever hope to be.

"They left me in the gutter. I couldn't move. I didn't want to move. I prayed for death. Everything hurt and I couldn't even escape into unconsciousness. I could feel their hands on me even though they were gone. I still feel it in my nightmares."

She paused and I braced myself to try and find something to say to her. Before I could come up with anything, she continued.

"Edward found me there. He found me… like that. Battered and bloody and used and discarded in the gutter like garbage. I could hear him say my name and reach for me. All I could think was 'Not him'. I didn't want him to see me like that. I didn't want him to touch me while I was so filthy from what they had done. So I ran, in the only way that I could really. I hid from him and the rest of the world…" She lifted her eyes to meet mine.

"Until you brought me back. I was so angry with you for a while. I didn't want to come back to this. Everything is harsh and cold and entirely too real, too painful. I didn't want to be here. I'm afraid to be here…" She trailed off and I took that as an opportunity to speak.

"What are you afraid of?" I asked, carefully keeping my voice as neutral as possible.

"Edward."

She must have said it without thinking because her eyes opened wide and I could feel her shock reverberate through me. She lifted a shaking hand to cover her mouth.

"Why do you feel afraid of Edward?" I asked.

"I… I don't know. I don't know why I said that," she said, shaking her head.

I thought for a moment before answering her. "What do you feel for Edward?"

"I'm not sure. I think… I could… love him… maybe," she said slowly. I could feel her uncertainty and fear.

"Why does that scare you?"

"I'm not sure I know how to love anymore. You have to admit that I'm pretty damaged. He deserves someone whole and capable of loving him." She snorted quietly before continuing. "Of course, this is based on the insane notion that he could ever have feelings for me."

I left that comment alone. That was for her and Edward to work out.

"Are you afraid when he touches you or holds you?"

"No, that actually makes me feel very safe."

Inspiration struck. "I want to try something. Close your eyes," I told Bella and I waited for her to comply. Once her eyes were safely shut I continued. "Think about Edward." Just by saying his name I could feel the emotions start in Bella. There was a warm, glowing security and the beginnings of love. "Think of being in his arms." The feelings of safety and love grew. I wondered what would happen if… "Think of him speaking your name."

The response was immediate. Fear gripped Bella and she started to pant.

"Open your eyes Bella. You're safe. Look at me," I said firmly. It took a moment but Bella finally opened her eyes. It was several more minutes before her breathing and heart rate returned to normal. "You ok?"

She nodded. "Sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for, Bella. Healing is a process. It doesn't happen overnight. You will get there. And all of us are with you every step of the way. Including Edward," I said, and I reached across to take her hand. She gripped it tightly.

"How are you feeling now? It can't have been easy telling me about what happened to you that night," I said, changing the subject away from Edward.

She thought for a moment. "It was harder and easier than I thought it would be. Does that make sense?" I nodded at her. "I'm not sure how I feel. A little lighter, maybe. I hated remembering it though."

"You don't have to carry the weight of that night alone. We are all here to help you carry it and share what we can. We want to support you."

I felt a sudden flash of anger from Bella.

"Can't you just make me feel better? Isn't that your power? Why don't you just fix me?" she demanded.

"I wish I could. But that would be a fake healing and it wouldn't last. It would make things much worse in the end," I tried to explain.

"I don't care. I just don't want to feel like this anymore! Please Jasper, can't you just help me?" she pleaded, gripping my hand even tighter in hers. Her eyes begged me for relief.

I longed to give her what she wanted but I knew it would be the wrong thing to do.

"I can't. You have to get there on your own. It doesn't matter otherwise."

She wrenched her hand from mine.

"What if I can't get there on my own? Have you ever considered that I just might not be strong enough to do this, to survive this?" she yelled.

"Do you want to survive this?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"I'm not sure how to answer that. I don't know how to survive or who to survive as. I'm not the girl I was. I have no idea who I am now or where to start. You know now what happened to me. Where do I begin? How do I survive this?"

I thought for a long moment before answering her.

"Begin where you can. I know you've been writing in your journal quite a bit. Start there. Just let the pen flow across the paper and allow whatever words come, to come. Don't try to force yourself to do anything you aren't ready for. Talk to me. Talk to Rosalie. Talk to Edward, if you can. Any and all of us will listen. Just get through each day as it comes."

She seemed to think about what I said. Her emotions continued to be erratic and scattered. She would be angry, then sad, then cautious and hopeful. I had no idea what she was thinking about. She looked exhausted. I knew that retelling her attack had taken a lot out of her.

"Would you like to go back to your room and get some sleep?" I asked gently. Her unfocused eyes met mine as she nodded. Instead of letting her walk down the hall on her own I picked her and Bentley up in my arms and carried her. It was a sign of how tired she was that she didn't protest at all. I tucked her into bed with her pig and turned out the lights before settling in to the chair by the bookcases. She was asleep in seconds.

I settled myself into one of the chairs by her bookcase to think about the revelations of the day. I could sense how hard it had been for Bella to tell me about her attack in detail. I felt her shame and humiliation as she recounted every moment of her terror. My heart ached for her. No one should have to go through something so traumatic.

I could hear the footsteps of my family approaching the house. It was late enough in the day that Alice and Edward would be arriving home from school shortly. The front door opened and two sets of footsteps headed straight up the stairs to Bella's room where I was waiting.

There was a quick knock on the door before it opened, revealing Esme and Rosalie. Esme went straight to Bella's sleeping form and stroked her hair. Rosalie turned to me.

"How is she?"

"I'm not sure. I know she needed to tell her story and get it out, but I have no idea what affect this might have on her. She may get a bit worse before she gets better. She's been fighting so hard to not think about it and not remember anything about that day… I'm not sure what those memories being reintroduced to her daily life will do to her," I said. I was surprised by how tired my voice sounded. Being around Bella's whirlwind emotions was draining for me.

Rosalie considered me for a moment before agreeing. "The first time I talked about it to anyone I exploded. Of course, for me, it was several years after the fact. It's only been what, ten months for Bella?"

"Nine actually."

Esme was still sitting on the bed beside Bella, stroking her hair. "She's doing well for such a short time, isn't she Jasper?"

I tried to smile for my worried family members. "Honestly, yes. It's really only been three months for her since she was … away … for the first six. She's doing remarkably well, all things considered." Rosalie was studying my face, probably looking for any sign that I was sugarcoating the truth for them. Finding none, she turned her eyes back to Bella's small form.

For a few minutes we all just studied the sleeping human that had turned our lives upside down, each lost in our own thoughts. I was harshly removed from mine when the anxiety and fear started to rise in the room.

It happened suddenly and without warning. I nearly gasped at the intensity of it as Bella started to thrash. There was barely time to understand that she was having a nightmare before her screams ripped through the room.

I was flipping through the relevant texts in my head as I spoke instructions under my breath to Esme and Rosalie so that Bella wouldn't hear a male voice in her nightmare.

"Esme, stop touching her. She can't tell that it's you and it might make things worse. Rosalie, she seems to be connecting well to you now. Talk to her; try to bring her out of this and wake her up. She will hopefully respond to your voice. I'll be right outside," I finished rapidly as I exited the room and closed the door behind me. In the hall I found Emmett and Carlisle waiting with wide eyes. I motioned them to be silent with my hand as we waited.

Rosalie was speaking to Bella. "Bella, honey you have to wake up now. It's just a dream sweetie. You can get out of this."

It didn't seem to be working because Bella's screams continued. Rosalie's voice grew firmer.

"Bella! This is a dream and you need to wake up. Listen to the sound of my voice and come back to us now."

It took a few minutes but Bella's screams faded to sobs and I could hear her breathing slow as she woke and took in her surroundings. When she spoke her voice was a scratchy whisper, no doubt from being abused by her screams.

"Rosalie?" she whispered, her broken voice saturated with fear. Rosalie didn't respond but I could hear her sitting on the bed next to Bella and drawing her into her arms as Bella continued to cry. "Rosalie I can't do this. It hurts too much! Please, please don't make me do this!" she begged. I cracked the door open to watch the scene unfold.

Rosalie was sitting on Bella's bed, facing her. She held both of Bella's hands in her own.

"Oh sweetie," she sighed. "You can do this. I know you can." She put her hands on Bella's tearstained face as she looked into her eyes, trying to convey the faith she had in her.

"I can't. I'm not strong like you. It's just too much," Bella whispered, trying to shake her head and look away from Rosalie's gentle eyes.

"Bella, look at me," Rosalie said, and waited until Bella's red and swollen eyes met her own. "You are stronger than I am. It took me years to be able to do what you did today. It's hard, and it's terrible, but I know that you can do this. I'll help you. You don't have to do this alone honey. I've already been down this road; I'll walk it with you." Rosalie spoke so gently and with such conviction it took my breath away.

Bella waited a moment, tears still streaming down her face, before nodding and falling into Rosalie's arms. Rosalie held her as she cried, stroking her hair and rocking her back and forth while whispering soothing sounds to her. Esme looked overwhelmed next to them and slipped out the door past me, into her husband's waiting arms. I closed the door behind her, giving them as much privacy as I could.

I turned to face my family. Esme had buried her face in Carlisle's shoulder and he was holding her. His face betrayed the worry I felt from him. Emmett, however, surprised me. He was smiling. All I could feel from him was relief. I raised one eyebrow at him and his smile grew even bigger.

"Let's go downstairs and give them some time," Carlisle said, once he caught the look I was giving Emmett as well as Emmett's out of place expression. We silently filed down to the living room where we all turned to Emmett, expectant looks on our faces.

"What?" he asked, seeming confused. I chuckled a little. Emmett would be Emmett, after all.

"I think we would all like to know what has you so relieved," I explained slowly, as if speaking to a child. Around me I sensed more than saw the heads of my family nodding. Before he could answer the door opened, admitting Edward and Alice. Alice must have seen this afternoon because she came straight into my arms.

"How is she doing?" she asked quickly. I tried to smile down at her but it didn't reach my eyes and I knew it.

"She's with Rose right now. Emmett was just about to explain why he's so happy and relieved." At that comment Alice smiled as well. I should have known she would already have seen this as well. I turned my attention back to Emmett, who was waiting patiently.

"She's finally snapped," was all he said. I looked around at the others who looked as bewildered as they felt. Except for Alice, of course. Emmett sighed.

"This needed to happen. She had to get the story out. It was poisoning her from the inside out. I went through this with Rosie," he explained. Edward looked relieved.

"So she will start to get better now?" he asked in a hopeful tone that matched his feelings.

Emmett started to laugh.

"Hell no! Now things get worse."

I felt Edward's anger rising and heard him growling. I threw a wave of calm at him to get him to back down. As I thought about it, I realized Emmett was right. A smile started to stretch across my face until it matched Alice and Emmett's grins.

Carlisle, Esme and Edward were still confused.

"I. Don't. Understand," ground out Edward.

"Now she can start to deal with it, for real. It's going to get worse but it will get better. Now she can get better. Dude, this is totally a good thing," Emmett exclaimed and his excitement was infectious.

I smiled at Emmett before turning to Edward. "He's right. Before this, before she told me what actually happened that day, she wasn't really dealing with the situation. She was avoiding it. She was trying to deal with the consequences without acknowledging the cause. It's like treating symptoms of a disease without treating the disease itself. It would continue to fester and poison the patient. Now she can really start to heal since she's opened up the wound. It's going to hurt like hell and be hard for all of us, but now she has a chance of getting through this."

Edward considered what I was telling him and I felt the small spark of hope that had been present since Bella's explosion slowly ignite into an actual flame. A bit of light started to come back into his eyes as he slowly nodded.

I turned to Carlisle then, a new idea burning in my mind. "Carlisle, hearing Bella's story... I don't know how she survived that. How Rosalie survived it. I have no idea how they continue to go about daily life. And this happens every day, all over the world. It isn't right." I was surprised by the passion in my own voice. "I've read accounts of rape, of course, but hearing it in the voice of someone that we all love and is a part of our family... I know we can't stop this from happening but I want to do something to help those women who have to live with the affects of rape."

I could feel Carlisle's pride in me as well as an awakening resolve in the rest of my gathered family. Esme spoke first.

"That's a wonderful idea, Jasper. A counseling center that will be open for victimized women to find help and safe harbor." I could feel the torrent of hope, despair, love, and compassion that rolled through Esme's body as she spoke.

Alice smiled, already picturing the facility. "I know the perfect location."

With that decided, our family's thoughts strayed back to our present situation and the battered girl we had sworn to help find her way again.

Upstairs we could still hear Rosalie soothing Bella. I could feel her happiness mixed with her overwhelming sorrow. I could understand. I hoped she was finding some sort of meaning in what she went through all those years ago. Now she was in a position to really change Bella's life because she could understand the pain Bella was trying to survive. I was proud of my sister and I pushed that feeling towards her, hoping she would understand.

Everyone slowly scattered about the house to take care of various pursuits. Alice and I ended up in our bedroom. It had become a bit of a sanctuary for me these past few weeks, though it was probably more the relief of Alice's arms I was seeking. We were curled up on the bed, simply enjoying being with one another as we stared into each other's eyes. Had I not been paying such close attention I might have missed the way her eyes unfocused slightly but there was no way I would have missed her body stiffening slightly as the vision overtook her mind.

**APOV**

It was the same vision that had given me such hope, only with a few changes.

_Bella and Edward, sitting in his room. They weren't touching, but with the look on his face they didn't need to be. I could no longer see Bella's face because her back was to me in this vision. A specific song came on and slowly she reached for Edward's hand and his eyes widened in surprise. She pulled him up so they were standing, staring into each other's eyes, as she slid into his arms. They started to dance, moving with the music that was so appropriate to their situation. Bella looked completely content as Edward rested his cheek on the top of her head and Edward … his eyes shone with love and utter peace. They rotated with the music and her head lay gently on his shoulder. As she turned towards me her eyes opened. I felt as though I had been knocked across the forest._

_Her eyes were red._

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**I hope you enjoyed this chapter in it's new form. Last chapter, in Bella's journals, I mentioned that each family member and Charlie had a special ornament on the tree, engraved with their names and the year. I didn't say what Bella's was, mostly because I'm not sure what it should be. Feel free to leave suggestions in reviews, if you would like. **


	19. Ruhroh

**Sorry for the long delay but life is crazy busy right now. Hopefully things will move along now that my schedule is easing up some. Thank you, as always, to my amazing reviewers! I can't begin to tell you how touched I am by all of you.**

**I don't own Twilight.**

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JPOV

Alice wouldn't tell me about the vision she got the day Bella had her first nightmare. She was surprisingly stubborn on the subject, refusing to even give me a hint as to the topic. It was frustrating, but I trusted my wife. I knew it could be nothing important, but there was a nagging feeling that this particular vision was one I needed to know about… and soon. I had no choice but to let it go for the time being.

The last several days since Bella told me her story had been difficult for everyone. Bella had nightmares every night and woke screaming. She hadn't gotten more than a few hours of sleep in days. For now, only Esme, Alice and Rosalie are sitting with her while she sleeps. I didn't want to take the risk of making the nightmares worse by having a male presence nearby. They had been trying to wake Bella as soon as I felt her emotions shift during her sleep but it wasn't working very well. Carlisle and I had discussed the option of a sedative but, since there was no way to guarantee she wouldn't dream, we didn't want to risk giving it to her only to have her have a nightmare we couldn't wake her from.

Alice and Edward were out of school for Christmas break and everyone was spending the time around the house. No one wanted to leave, just in case Bella needed something. Most of this year's Christmas shopping was being done online. I could feel the rising cabin fever in the house.

Bella didn't mention the approaching holiday very much. I wasn't sure what she thought about it.

"That is IT!" I heard Alice scream from our bedroom before flinging the door open and heading for my study. I turned to face the door, waiting for her entrance. It wasn't long in coming.

The door flew open to admit my frazzled wife. "We are going shopping. Carlisle, Esme, Edward, you are all coming with us," she said loud enough for everyone in the house to hear except Bella, who was reading in her room. "Before anyone protests, I have seen today and Bella will be fine. Rose and Emmett will stay with her. It will be good for everyone to get out of the house and it will be good for Bella to have some space. We are meeting downstairs in 5 minutes and don't even _think_ about arguing with me."

It said quite a bit about how terrified our family could be of the pint-sized vampire that no one argued. I heard everyone getting up and getting ready to leave. I smiled at my wife, happy at the chance to get out of the house for a few hours.

**RPOV**

Emmett and I were spending the afternoon in the living room, watching TV. I didn't really understand the attraction of sports but it made him happy so I was willing to sit through it with him. Though I would make sure he made it up to me later… I smiled, thinking of ways he could pay me back.

My attention shifted from my new collection of lingerie that I had hidden from Emmett in Alice's closet when I heard Bella's door open and her slow footsteps start down the stairs. I tensed my muscles involuntarily, waiting to see if she would need me. Her legs were still weak, though she was regaining strength by the day, and I was afraid she might fall. I relaxed slightly as she got to the foot of the stairs and headed towards the living room and us.

Emmett was so focused on the football game that he didn't notice until I poked him. At first he just absentmindedly rubbed my arm, still staring at the stupid television set. I poked him again, harder.

"Ouch! What was that for?" he asked, looking at me with his best puppy dog face. I rolled my eyes at him.

"Bella," I whispered and gestured towards the door with my head. Comprehension dawned in his eyes as he finally noticed her approaching footsteps.

Emmett and I went back to watching the TV, not wanting to make Bella feel uncomfortable as she entered the room. I looked over my shoulder at her as she hesitated in the doorway and smiled.

"Hi Bella. Want to come sit with us for a while?" I patted the cushion on the chair next to the couch that Emmett and I were sitting on. Emmett looked over at her with a huge grin and an impish look on his face.

"Bella! What's up my homegirl?" he said in an awful fake gangsta voice. I cracked up laughing at him and noticed even Bella was smiling.

"Ignore him. He's been watching too much MTV "Cribs"," I told her as I smacked him on the back of his head. I was trying very hard to not make Bella feel out of place as she came and sat in the chair. Inside, I was jumping up and down that she had willingly come out of her room to spend time with people, though I would never show it. I smiled over at Bella before saying, "Now that there's two of us we can outvote Emmett and watch something else."

"Hey!" came the indignant voice of my husband. I patted his cheek.

"Sorry honey, majority rules!" From my side I heard a small giggle. Bella had actually laughed. I waited a moment to see if she would panic as she had the last time she had laughed but nothing came. Emmett's eyes met mine as a brilliant smile crossed my face.

"So, Bella, what would you like to watch?" I asked her, acting as though nothing had happened. She seemed to think for a moment.

"I'd really like to talk to you two, if that's alright," she said slowly, her eyes on her toes in the carpet.

"Sure Bella-boo! Want to talk about football?" asked Emmett eagerly, hoping he would be able to keep the game on. I went to smack him again but he moved too fast. I took the opportunity his momentary lapse in concentration afforded me and swiped the remote, clicking off the television.

Bella laughed and I smirked at his shocked expression.

I turned to Bella. "What's up?"

"It just feels like everyone here knows everything about me but I don't really know anything about any of you," she started, her eyes meeting mine finally.

I started to speak but Emmett beat me to it. "Great! I'm fascinating. What do you want to know?" Again I rolled my eyes at my husband and sent him a mock glare.

Bella smiled. I would put up with anything from Emmett if it would keep her smiling. Ugh. I was glad Edward wasn't home to hear _that_ thought! I'd never hear the end of it.

"Actually I was wondering how you two met," she said, her eyes bright with interest as they moved between us.

Emmett cracked his knuckles. "Well, this one time, at band camp…"

He was interrupted by both me and Bella. "EMMETT!"

"What?" he shrugged. "Ok, no, really. I was out hunting one day (I loved it even then!) and there was this bear… hey, no wonder I love grizzly so much!" Emmett looked surprised by his own revelation.

"You JUST figured that out?" I asked him.

"Baby I have better things do to with my… mind… than think about that," he said suggestively with a ridiculous looking face that I thought he probably wanted to be sexy. I pretended to gag, making Bella laugh again.

"Anyway, I was out hunting and happened across a bear that might have been a bit much for me but I still think he just got lucky. When Rosalie found me I was almost gone from the attack. I thought she was the most beautiful angel heaven could have created. She carried me almost 100 miles to Carlisle. Once I woke up and saw that the angel I thought was taking me to heaven was real, I knew I had something amazing left to do in life," he said, his voice toned down slightly as he remembered the last minutes of his human life.

"What was that?" Bella asked. I was curious as well. We had told this story before, but this was the first time I had heard this.

"Love Rosalie. That's what I am meant to do. Love her, cherish her, make her mine in every way and as much as I am hers. I'll happily spend the rest of my days, the rest of eternity, by her side," he said simply.

I looked at my husband with new eyes. Even after all this time he could still surprise me with his heart. No wonder I loved him so much. "I am yours. Always have been and always will be," I whispered and I put my hand on his face in a rare gesture of love. Normally ours were much more x-rated in nature.

I looked back over to Bella and she looked so small and lost. She watched Emmett and I with such naked longing in her face that it was painful to see.

"Bella?" I said quietly, bringing her attention back to me.

"How did you survive the loneliness Rosalie?" she whispered. Her eyes were haunted. Though the color was different, I recognized them. I saw those eyes every day in the mirror for years. "I'm so alone. Even in a room of people I'm alone. I thought coming back, that it would be different but it's not. I'm just as alone here as I was there."

"I know you feel alone. I know that it throbs and how much it hurts seeing others interacting so easily; loving so freely. But look at me, Bella. Look at me and know that I have been where you are. If I can do this, I know that you can," I told her, strength in my tone.

"It's different for you, Rosalie. You had the Cullens. My own father can't deal with me and my problems."

"You have us too, honey," Emmett interjected. "In some ways you have us even more than Rosalie did. I wasn't even around right after Rosalie's attack and neither were Jasper and Alice. Carlisle, Esme and Edward were there for Rosalie, yes, but we are all here for you. We want to carry you through this. We will carry you; if you will just let us."

I picked up where he left off. "There will be days, lots of them, when you won't feel strong enough to even get out of bed. But that's when we can help you. Let us be strong for you. Let us help you." I moved away from Emmett to kneel down in front of Bella and take her hands. "I've walked this road, remember?" A single tear rolled down Bella's face and splashed on our hands.

"Together," she said, her voice unwavering. I was relieved. Maybe she would finally start to let us in.

"Do you think…" she paused before continuing. "Do you think that everything happens for a reason?" she asked.

I didn't have to think. "No. Absolutely not." Bella looked at me, shocked by how resolute I sounded. Even Emmett looked a little surprised.

"Look at me, Bella. I'm not sure what I think about heaven and hell or God and religion. But I know what I think about this. There is no way any sort of benevolent creator would ever **want** a woman to be raped the way you and I were. There is no reason for it; no grand master plan. To think that there is belittles the suffering we endure and the journey we are forced to take. What I do know, however, is that we can give something that is this awful meaning. We have that power. I know you feel powerless and helpless right now. You aren't. We can take what was meant to destroy us and use it to build a better life for ourselves. We can take from the horrible experience and the nightmares that accompany it strength, resolve, passion, and a love for life. You are a victim, but you can become a survivor. In the process, maybe you will get the chance to help someone else that is just a few steps behind you on the same road… the way that I am with you."

I waited for Bella's response, a little nervous. I didn't know that so much would come pouring out of me but I had always hated the mentality that 'everything happens for a reason'. It struck me as weak. Sometimes life sucks, but be strong enough to say that it sucks and then go find a way to bring it meaning. That was true strength, in my opinion.

She slowly nodded. "Ok. I hadn't thought of it like that. But I'm not sure how to…" she trailed off, seemingly unable to articulate her thoughts. That was ok; I knew what she meant.

"How to move forward instead of staying stuck?" I asked and she nodded. "It's not easy. For me, I had to stop fighting what had happened. I was so angry for so many years. Don't get me wrong, I had every right to be angry. But I let it rule me. It controlled my every breath, every moment for longer than it ever should have. I was fighting a battle I could never win because you can't change the past and you can't beat it into going away. It just is. Once I accepted what had happened and let it become a part of me, I found a bit of myself again and experienced peace. It wasn't an easy or a quick process. I slipped backwards more than a few times. And there are still days when I am a victim more than a survivor. But I have my family to help me through those days. They show me what I survived for," I told her.

Bella began crying in earnest. "I'm not sure what I have to survive for," she whispered. I took her hands.

"You have a life to look forward to. You have friends and family that love you and will do anything for you. You have a future that is full of possibilities and choice and dreams just waiting for you. It won't be easy, but very little that is worthwhile ever is."

She seemed to pull herself together and wiped the tears from her face. She thought for a moment, then looked confused.

"Wait, I don't understand something." She looked at Emmett. "What do you mean, Rosalie took you to Carlisle? Why would that make a difference?"

Emmett smiled at his favorite little sister. "Easy. Carlisle is the one that turned me into a vampire. He bit me to save my life," he explained. Comprehension dawned on Bella's face.

"Oh, I didn't realize," she said. She paused before continuing. "How do you resist human blood? I mean, is it easy for you?" she asked.

Emmett laughed. "Hell no! We all struggle with it. Sometimes are harder than others. Don't worry though, we are all fairly used to your scent now and it's easier to resist."

She nodded. "That makes sense. Want to play Monopoly?" she asked, and Emmett's face lit up with excitement. He got up to go and get the game and Bella turned back to me.

"Rose, will you tell me about your wedding?" she asked.

I smiled. "The first one?"

"You've been married more than once?"

"Sure. We tend to get married every ten to fifteen years or so. I love planning weddings; especially my own!" I laughed.

"Yes, please tell me about the first one."

I let my mind drift back to my perfect recall of the happiest day of my existence. I smiled a little and began to tell Bella the story of my first wedding.

***

We passed the day telling stories and playing games with Bella. At one point I even dragged out our photo albums from our many weddings so she could see the different styles. She laughed until she had tears in her eyes at the pictures of all of us in the 80's. It was nice to see her relaxing and enjoying something for a change. I started to let myself believe things were getting better for her. She deserved a break.

Around 5:30 the others arrived home, their hands full of shopping bags. It seemed that the shopping trip had been a huge success as everyone dashed around hiding gifts in their rooms. I had a momentary twinge of panic that I hadn't been able to go along and so I still had all of my shopping left to do. I thought about trying to find a time to slip away and do some shopping of my own.

"I already took care of it for you Rose. Everything is in my closet when you are ready," Alice called.

"Including yours, I take it?" I called back to her with a laugh.

"Of course! And thank you! I love it!" she trilled back from upstairs. I just shook my head.

Bella, Emmett and I were all still in the living room, huddled around the coffee table as Edward walked in. He was holding delicate-looking flowers in his hands. Bella looked up and her face flushed with pleasure. Her smile widened and her eyes that had been so empty for so long seemed to light up a bit.

Edward walked straight to Bella and sat on the floor at her feet, offering her the flowers. They were fragile and almost perfectly round. The petals looked like the lightest of tissue paper as they overlapped to make the circle of the flower. The center had another circle, this time of yellow stalks. Since Edward had started bringing home so many types of flowers I had been looking them up so I would know what was going on. I smiled at the message of these.

Bella stared at the flowers, a dreamy expression on her face, before raising her eyes to meet Edward's. He sat perfectly still at her feet, waiting for her reaction.

"Thank you, Edward. I love them," she said. The connection between the two of them was so strong it nearly vibrated with intensity. She reached down for his hand that had been resting on the couch next to her. As soon as she touched him, he raised his hand and hers to his face, so she was caressing his cheek. He closed his eyes and enjoyed her touch. I felt like I was intruding on a very intimate moment but I wasn't sure Bella would want me to leave.

_Be careful, Edward,_ I thought. He nodded slightly to let me know he heard me but made no move to break the connection with Bella. _She's fragile…_

This time my thoughts must have gotten through to him because he lowered his hand slowly back down to the couch. To both of our surprise Bella didn't move her hand from his face. Instead she hesitantly ran her fingers up his face and into his hair. Edward's eyes fluttered shut once more and he hummed in pleasure. I decided to leave them alone, if Bella was alright with it.

"Bella, I'm going to go upstairs and talk to Alice. Will you be ok here?" I asked her quietly, trying to disturb the moment as little as possible. She looked over at me and smiled a little.

"I'll be fine, Rose. But thank you for today. It was … nice," she said, matching my tone. Edward didn't move, just rested in her touch. I nodded at her before rising carefully.

"I'll put these in a vase in your room for you sweetie," I said, taking the fragile blooms from Bella. She smiled her thanks at me.

I made a quick stop in the kitchen to grab a vase before heading upstairs to Bella's room. I arranged the flowers on Bella's bedside table where she would see them as she fell asleep and first thing when she woke up. I hoped they would bring her sweet dreams.

My task there complete, I walked down the hall to Alice and Jasper's room. I knocked quickly before entering. Alice was flitting around the room while Jasper sat on the bed watching her with an indulgent expression on his face. I couldn't help but shake my head at the sight of them.

Jasper turned towards me. "How did today go?" he asked. I didn't have to be an empath to see the worry on his face.

"It was nice actually. Bella came downstairs of her own volition and we talked for a while. She said she felt like we all know so much about her that she wanted to know more about us so I showed her the photo albums." Jasper's face filled with horror.

"Not the 80's pictures?" he whispered, looking around as if someone was going to catch him in neon colors and ripped jeans.

Alice chose that moment to pop her head out of the closet. "Oh you looked so cute back then!" Jasper mock growled at her and she giggled.

"Yes, even the 80's album. She wanted to see what our lives have been like. I thought it would be good for her; plus it was nice seeing her take an interest in something," I told them.

The door opened again and this time it was Emmett walking in.

"Hey Rosie! Want to go play doctor?" he asked with a suggestive wag of his eyebrows.

"Gross, Emmett. Please take those … feelings … elsewhere," Jasper pleaded.

"What? Can I help it if I'm just a love machine?" Emmett asked with an attempt at an innocent expression. We all ignored him.

"What stories did you tell Bella, Rose?" Jasper asked, changing the subject back.

"She wanted to know how Emmett and I met and…" I started to continue when Alice popped back out of the closet with panic clearly written on her face.

"What did you tell her about how you met?" she asked quickly and with an urgent tone in her voice. I didn't understand what had her so upset.

"Not much. Emmett told her about the bear attack and me carrying him to Carlisle all that way," I said, unsure what the big deal was. Alice seemed to relax. "Why?"

"I didn't want to say anything because I wasn't sure what it meant but a vision I had of Bella and Edward changed and I was worried," she explained.

"Changed how?" Jasper asked, moving to sit on the edge of the bed with his hands on his knees.

"Bella was a vampire."

The weight of the silence in the room felt like it would crush us all. The three of us stared at Alice with huge eyes, uncomprehending. The door opened and admitted Carlisle and Esme. We had forgotten they were in the house.

"Alice, please explain," Carlisle said in a calm voice.

"It was the same vision I had weeks ago of Bella and Edward dancing only her eyes were red. I don't know the exact timeline," she said quietly and quickly.

"Is the vision still there?" Jasper wanted to know. She closed her eyes for a moment before nodding.

"Nothing's changed."

"How? I don't understand how that would happen," Esme said, clearly distraught.

"I don't know. I can't see what changes her, only that something does."

"Could it be Bella herself?" Jasper asked.

"No, of course not," replied Carlisle. "She doesn't even know how vampires are created."

Emmett and I slowly looked at one another with huge eyes.

"Ruh-roh," said Emmett.

"Did you just quote Scooby Doo?"

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**Reviews are love!**


	20. Traditions

**A/N - Ok I know this chapter is short. It was either cut it here and post today or let the chapter finish and wait until next week. Since it's been a while and it seemed sort of natural I decided to go ahead and post. Hopefully you don't mind. The story is really flowing so the next chapter will be up next week, promise! I know I have been awful about replying to reviews and updating these past few weeks but I got a second job so I've been working 65-70 hours a week. Things should ease up soon and I'll be able to respond. I do read and cherish every review though!**

**I don't own Twilight.**

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JPOV

We all stared at Rosalie and Emmett as they looked at one another with wide, panicked eyes. I glanced at Carlisle to find him looking (and feeling) as perplexed and worried as I was. What had they told her?

"I didn't… we didn't…" Rose stammered. I had never seen her at a loss for words before.

"Just tell us what happened, Rosalie," Carlisle said, his emotions betraying the calm in his voice. He was just as concerned as the rest of us.

Rosalie shook her head and took an unnecessary but steadying breath. "I didn't think anything of it at the time. She asked how Emmett and I met and we told her about the bear and me carrying him to Carlisle. It was a few minutes later when she said she was confused and asked why carrying him to Carlisle had helped. Emmett told her that Carlisle was the one that had bitten him. That was it. We moved on to another topic," she explained.

Carlisle looked thoughtful for a moment before nodding. "Was there anything else?" he asked.

"Not really," Emmett said. "Well, she did ask if it was hard for us being around human blood. I told her that we all struggle with it but not to worry because we are fairly used to her scent by now."

My mind was spinning. Alice had seen Bella as a vampire. Who turns her? How would something like that happen?

"I don't understand how this could happen but we can't ignore what Alice has seen," I stated. "We have to take precautions."

"Like what? It isn't as if any of us will bite her," said Emmett.

"It isn't an accident," Alice says thoughtfully. "I don't usually see those until maybe a minute before. For me to see this already and for the timeline to be so uncertain has to mean that something has already forced this into motion, some decision has already been made. Only the timing is hazy."

"But none of us would make that choice," I protested. But then something occurred to me. "Unless Edward…"

"It isn't me," came Edward's disembodied voice from downstairs where he was still sitting with Bella. Of course he had been listening.

"So it comes back to Bella having made some decision," Alice stated firmly. "If it isn't one of us putting things in motion, it's her."

"New plan," I started. "No one is to be in the house alone with Bella. I am not sure what she knows or what she is planning but it obviously has the potential to work so we have to be careful. We should also team up, strongest control with the weakest."

Esme gave a small smile. "Like a buddy system?"

"Exactly. Carlisle, that puts you with me," I said, trying not to let my shame show in my voice. Alice came and sat in my lap and began running her hands over my back in a gesture of comfort.

"Esme, you and Edward will be a team. Alice, you Rosalie and Emmett will be together, since we have uneven numbers," I finished, quickly sorting through the strengths of my various family members in my mind.

"Actually," Edward spoke up again from downstairs, "Alice should probably be with me and Esme. I pose the greatest threat to Bella since her blood calls to me so strongly." I looked at Alice, who nodded.

"Agreed," I told him.

***

The days leading up to Christmas passed in an interesting haze for all of us. Our focus was totally on Bella, and trying to figure out what she was planning or thinking. I tried to steer the conversation in her sessions with me towards her future but she would only tell me that she needed to deal with her present and past before she could think of a future. It was maddening.

No one was ever alone with Bella, other than me during our sessions. Even then, Carlisle was outside, trying not to listen as Bella spoke. We tried to give her as much privacy as we could without risking her safety.

Alice was constantly searching for whatever happened to turn Bella. It seemed as though she hadn't decided on how to accomplish her goal. Perhaps she wasn't sure exactly what was needed. Either way, Alice wasn't able to see anything other than the vision of Edward and Bella dancing with Bella as a newborn.

Christmas Eve arrived and with it a dusting of snow that Bella looked at with disdain. She did, however, enjoy watching the snowball fight that broke out between me, Edward and Emmett that afternoon before Charlie arrived. Emmett made the mistake of hitting Carlisle with a snowball. He may be more dignified than the rest of us most of the time but his aim has not suffered over the years. He dominated. The game was over not long after he joined in as Edward, Emmett and I were all drenched.

Charlie's visit for Christmas Eve went only marginally better than Thanksgiving. To both of their credits, they did try. Neither of them knew what to say or where to start. The visit passed in near silence, with the exception of when Charlie arrived, gave Bella a Christmas gift of a gift card to a chain bookstore, and when he left.

We were trying to have a festive holiday for Bella so we decided to enact a Christmas Eve tradition and open one present each. Bella looked confused as we gathered around the tree.

"It's not Christmas morning yet," she said with a question in her voice.

Esme smiled at her. "Some families open a single gift each on Christmas Eve. We thought it might be a nice way to spend the evening," she explained.

We had done our best to make the house look festive. There were candles burning that filled the house with the scent of cinnamon and spice and a fire crackled merrily in the hearth that, before today, had never been used. Garlands adorned the mantle and stockings hung from it bearing the name of each Cullen as well as Bella.

She smiled a little and glanced beneath the tree. Her eyes quickly returned to mine. "How will we know whose presents are whose? They don't have name tags on them."

Carlisle took it upon himself to explain. "That's a Cullen tradition. Instead of putting name tags on the gifts, each person has an ornament that represents them. You might have noticed them on your tree?" he asked, and Bella nods. "Some have changed over the years as the times have but the tradition has remained. Did you notice your ornament?" he asked kindly. Bella's face flushed and she looked down as she shook her head.

Rosalie took something from the tree and moved over to sit beside Bella on the couch.

"This is yours," she said, handing the intricately carved ornament to Bella.

Bella ran her fingertips over the ornament, tracing the lines. It was a bird with wings outstretched and it's beak pointing up towards the sky. It seemed to be flying. The tail feathers turned into flames along the bottom of the ornament.

"A phoenix?" she asked, not looking away from the icon we had chosen to represent her.

"Edward chose it for you," replied Rosalie.

"Why?"

Edward moved forward to sit directly in front of Bella and took her hands in his. He stared at her, filled with nothing but patience and love, and waited until her eyes met his. He flicked a glance to Rosalie and nodded at her to continue.

"The phoenix is a creature of myth and legend. It supposedly lives for 100 years. It is extremely strong, and very intelligent. When it is time for the phoenix to die, it builds a soft nest to wait. It bursts into flames and is reduced to nothing but ashes." Rosalie paused to give Bella a moment to think. Edward was rubbing soothing circles over the back of her hand. "Bella, a new life is born from those ashes."

A quickly indrawn breath was Bella's only response to Rosalie's statement. Edward was searching her eyes for something. He must have found it because he squeezed her hands once more before moving to sit next to her on the couch.

I wanted to alleviate some of the emotional tension in the room. "Who's first?" I asked, knowing exactly who would answer.

"Me! Duh," shouted Emmett as he did every year. The moment was broken and everyone laughed, including Bella.

"Patience, Emmett," shushed Esme. "Carlisle will go first, as he does every year."

I looked over at Bella. "We go in the order that we joined the family," I explained.

"Can't we do it differently this year?" pouted Emmett. "Like by size maybe?"

"Then it wouldn't be a tradition," Esme said, and that was final.

Carlisle rose and found the gift he wanted to open that was marked with his book. It was smaller than some of the others but just as beautifully wrapped. It was stamped on the corner with a smaller icon, a sheet of music, indicating the gift was from Edward. He opened it to reveal a new stethoscope. Carlisle smiled.

"Thank you, Edward. I've been meaning to get a new one of these." Unable to answer, Edward just smiled and nodded at him.

"Edward's next," Esme said. Edward considered the pile of presents that bore his sheet of music for a moment before selecting a flat envelope marked with a credit card and a flag in the lower corner; Alice's and my gift for him. Inside was a set of plane tickets and an itinerary. It was a musical tour of Europe. His eyes lit up as he read the papers and I could feel his happiness and excitement. Though he was unable to tell us out loud, with Bella sitting so close, I nodded at him that I understood his thanks.

Esme was next and she didn't hesitate at all. She chose from her flower-marked packages the one marked with a grizzly bear. Emmett looked nervous suddenly. The box was large, and heavy. It contained cook books from all over the world.

"I noticed how much you are enjoying cooking for Bella and I thought…" Emmett stammered nervously. Esme silenced him with a hug.

"I love it. It's perfect." Emmett relaxed and smiled.

Rosalie chose the gift for her marked with Alice's credit card. Alice just smiled as Rosalie started pulling out lingerie that was probably not even on the market yet, given the look on her face. She squealed and launched herself at Alice in a rare display of pure joy.

Emmett finally got his chance and dived for the presents marked with his grizzly bear. After a few hysterical minutes of him debating the merits of the different packages he finally settled on the one marked with the sheet of music. It also happened to be the largest in the pile. Edward started to smile and shake with laughter before Emmett even finished opening the box. Inside it was another box. Emmett shrugged and opened it to find… another box. This went on, with Emmett getting more and more frustrated until he finally reached a tiny box in the center. By this time he was literally waist-high in wrapping paper and boxes and the entire family was in stitches with laughter. Inside the box was a key. Emmett looked confused and Edward, laughing silently, handed him an envelope. It contained open-ended plane tickets and reservations at a hunting lodge in Africa so Rosalie and Emmett could hunt some bigger game.

"Dude! That rocks!" he shouted before bumping fists with Edward.

Alice and I joined the family together but I always let her go first. She had, of course already seen her gifts so she selected the gift marked with a book and chosen by Carlisle. She smiled and immediately began flipping through fashion design books that hadn't been published yet.

I took a longer moment when choosing my gift. Finally I settled on the one marked with a cell phone; Rosalie's gift to me.

I opened the flat, square package slowly to find a framed picture of a dilapidated house I was sure I had never seen before. I looked at her with questions in my eyes.

"It's the future home of Swan's Harbor, the shelter you suggested. I bought the building for you," she explained.

I was overcome with my own emotions, something that rarely happened since I had to maintain such tight control most of the time. All I could do was push my gratitude towards her. I could see that she understood.

Finally we turned to Bella. The sudden attention made her shy and she hesitated, looking at the presents marked with a phoenix. She quickly grabbed the box that was the closest. It was medium sized and very light. It had no stamps identifying where it had come from.

"Who is this one from?" she asked quietly. Carlisle spoke for all of us.

"It's actually from everyone," he informed her. She smiled at each of us before carefully pulling the lid off of the box. Alice had taken great pains with each of Bella's presents, making sure she wouldn't have to actually tear open paper on anything. The lid of each box was wrapped separately from the rest of it, so all she had to do was untie soft ribbon and lift up the lid.

I could feel her shock and hurt as she looked into the beautifully wrapped box.

It was empty.

"I don't understand," she said as she swiped at a tear that was making its way down her face.

This time I spoke up.

"Bella the most precious things we can offer you can't be bought or given. They aren't tangible. We wanted to do something to express to you what you seem to have trouble understanding… why we are trying so hard to help you. What this box represents is our hopes for you. We've each taken the time to choose one thing we would wish for you and written it out for you to read and to hold on to when things get difficult. We hope it will be something to help you through the dark moments," I said, producing an envelope that bore her name and mine.

I walked forward to look at her watery brown eyes. "Bella, my hope for you is that you become complete with your past," I said. We had decided to each tell her what our hope for her was as we put the envelopes in her box. The hopes would be more fully explained in the letters themselves.

Alice was next. "My hope for you is that you find faith in your future, and yourself."

"I pray that you find peace," said Carlisle, as he slipped his envelope in with the rest.

"I hope that you learn to trust again," said Esme.

Emmett was unusually soft-spoken. "I want you to find joy again."

"I hope that you live," Rosalie said. "And find what it truly means to live."

Edward moved to put his envelope in Bella's box. He didn't say anything, just slipped his envelope in with the rest.

Bella looked overwhelmed. I could sense fear, anticipation, sadness, love, and the smallest glimmer of hope from her.

"Thank you," she whispered.

* * *

**Special thanks to SugarVenom for the idea of a phoenix for Bella's ornament and Stupidlamb2154, who inspired Bella's gift of an empty box!**

**It's my birthday today and reviews make great presents!!**


	21. Hopes for Bella

**Thank you for all the wonderful birthday wishes! They all made me smile. I was amazed at the number of reviews for the last chapter! I know it was short but hopefully posting this chapter so quickly will make up for it. Not to mention a moment many have you have been waiting 20 long chapters for... I hope you enjoy!**

**I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

BPOV

Christmas morning. I didn't want to open my eyes and acknowledge the day, though I had been awake for a few minutes. I rolled over and heard an unfamiliar sound as I turned. Once I noticed that, I realized a scent that hadn't been there before was also filling the room. Slowly, cautiously, I opened my eyes to look around me.

Things were not as they had been when I fell asleep the night before. My bed (and me, for that matter) was awash in a sea of flowers. They were beautiful, of course, and resembled small spinning wheels. The outside of each petal was white and it turned into a vibrant yellow on the inside. Each of the six petals was turned to slip under the next and they had the most delicate and delicious scent that permeated the room. I couldn't help the smile that overcame my face. I looked around me for the note I knew would be somewhere. I found it on my bedside table, another of the flowers resting on top of it.

_Merry Christmas Bella. Love, Edward._

I traced the words he had written for me. Seeing his handwritten note reminded me of the gift from last night. I was nervous to read what everyone had written but, at the same time, I longed to know. I carefully slipped from my bed, trying not to disturb the beautiful flowers, and made my way over to the small table next to the chairs that I loved to read in where I had placed the box the night before.

I settled into my chair and carefully opened the box. I couldn't decide which letter I wanted to read first, so I chose at random.

***

_**Carlisle**_

_Bella,_

_This is my hope for you, that you find peace. Life is never easy, and you know that better than most people ever will. You have been given far too much for someone so young to handle. You may wonder how you will ever feel peace again. I have no answers for you, as that is a journey that each person must take on their own and, as such, is unique to each person that takes it. What I can offer you, however, is my own story._

_My father was a religious man that sought out the evils of the world with a vengeance. I followed him in this quest, and was either lucky enough or unlucky enough to truly find it in a nest of ancient vampires one day. I didn't know what I was up against and was bitten. Before the vampire could make off with me to finish the job, others were coming. He ran, carrying another man that had been with me. I acted on instinct and hid, trying to save what was left of my life._

_When I emerged three days later, I knew what I had become. I would not have chosen this life. In fact, I tried to find ways to die over and over again. It isn't easy to kill one of my kind, however. I stayed far from humans as possible, so I could resist the temptation their blood presented._

_I didn't ask to be a monster._

_One day, I stumbled across a herd of animals. I was nearly crazed with thirst and I fell upon them, drinking to save my sanity. Once the thirst was finally satiated enough that I could think again, I realized I had stumbled upon a possible salvation for myself. I dedicated myself and my existence to this new way of life. I studied the arts and medicine, becoming a doctor once my thirst was controlled enough. I have spent several hundred years learning to serve mankind and to heal the wounds of others. It has been a rewarding experience for me and I cherish the life I live, as well as the family I am blessed with. _

_You may be wondering how this relates to you and finding peace. Bella, I too am a survivor of the violence of another. It changed who I was at my very core. I had to give up everything I held dear and rediscover how to live. Though I know that your circumstances are very different and I in no way mean that I understand your pain and what you are going through, I can say that I understand how it feels to wake up one day and not know where to turn or how to go on. I have been there, and I survived._

_Many times we can't control our circumstances. We have little to no control over the actions of others. So what, you may ask, can we do to deal with life? We can choose. Choice is truly the last human freedom. The only thing we can do is choose how to react to the circumstances we are presented with. I chose to find a path that I could accept in my new life. It took time, a great deal of it, but eventually I did find the peace that I sought so desperately. I chose to search for that peace and I found it within myself, where it had always been, waiting patiently for me._

_I pray you make the same choice and know that I am always here for you, should you need me._

_With love and hope,_

_Carlisle_

I wiped the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes. I could see the point that Carlisle was trying to make, as well as the similarities in our stories. Neither one of us chose the lives we were given. He had taken the circumstances that were handed to him and made himself into a man that I admired and respected. I wasn't sure if I could do the same. I wanted to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and start again, but I wasn't sure how to. And I longed for the peace Carlisle had found.

With a shaking hand, I reached into the box again.

***

_**Esme**_

_Bella,_

_It took me quite a while to think of how to phrase my hope for you. I know that Rosalie has told you her story, but I haven't shared mine with you yet. I'd like to do that first, before explaining my hope for you._

_I married very young to a man that my father chose. My husband was abusive. He beat me and, when he went away to the war, I prayed every day to be notified of his death. That may seem heartless, or harsh, but it's the truth. My prayers weren't answered though. My husband returned from the war even angrier than before. It didn't take much for him to become violent with me. When I found out I was pregnant, I found the courage in myself to leave him._

_My son was stillborn and a large part of me died with him. I threw myself off a cliff in my despair. That's how Carlisle found me. _

_Now I'd like to explain my hope for you. Trust is a very fragile and precious thing. Think of a piece of china that has been broken. Trust is like that china. Once it's broken, you can try to glue the pieces back together. You may even succeed in that. But the lines from the break are always there. _

_You can never fully erase the lines from broken trust. It's a sad fact but one we must learn to live with. But that trust can be rebuilt in time. With patience, and the support of people that love you, trusting again is possible. It's frightening, and never easy, but it is reachable. It's a long path, and you will be hurt again, but I can promise you that it is worth it. Being able to truly trust someone with everything that you are and know that you are safe is beyond anything I could describe to you. It is worth fighting for. _

_You are loved by many, and I am blessed to be one of them._

_Esme_

My mind was spinning. I was aware that I didn't know much about the Cullens but I hadn't really thought of who they were before they were turned. I had only read two of the letters but I was already starting to understand them a little bit better.

I was starting to get hungry but I wasn't ready to go downstairs and see everyone. I debated if I could slip into the kitchen unnoticed. Probably unlikely in a house full of vampires. I sighed and headed for the door. As I opened it I couldn't help but smile. Sitting there, just outside the door, was a tray with a covered plate. I had a feeling I knew who to thank for that. I carried it back over to my chair and settled in to eat while reading the next letter. Sticking to my plan of reading them in no particular order, I reached into the box for the next.

***

_**Emmett**_

_Bella-bear,_

_I could list off all kinds of clichés about how wonderful life is and finding joy in the little things, but you and I both know that would be crap. Clichés are just that: cliché. They aren't wisdom or words for the ages. In fact, I don't really have any wisdom for you. I'll leave that to Carlisle and Jasper. I'm sure their letters to you are full of wisdom and stuff. _

_My hope for you is what I know; joy. For me, joy isn't the same thing as happiness. It's not even in the same category. Weird, right? Don't worry, I'll explain. It's Emmett-logic so hopefully it makes as much sense to you as it does to me. In my mind, happiness is circumstantial. It's caused by people, things and places. Ok, so it's caused by all the nouns. I just realized that… Anyway, back to topic. Happiness is an emotion. It can be changed by circumstance and location. It's fleeting and fickle. It isn't something that can easily be held on to. It's kind of like that friend you always hear about that runs when things get a little tough. _

_Joy is different than happiness. Joy isn't an emotion; it's a state of being. It's deep inside and unchanging. It's not affected by circumstances or people. You can have joy in the worst moments of your life. It's a realization. It's kind of hard to explain so let me give you an example. Happiness is being in love for the first time, with all the shiny sparkles that goes along with it. It's your favorite ride at Disneyland. Joy is the deep knowledge that, even if you lost that love, you have loved in the first place. It's the memory of the ride that leaves a warm glow. It's allowing the happiness to subtly change the core of who you are to include the joy. It's memories and possibilities and hopes and dreams. It's knowledge in sadness. If happiness is your friend that runs the moment things get hard, joy is your best friend that would never abandon you. It's your rock._

_Wow, deep. Ok, I know that's a bit confusing. I know that you are sadder than you have probably ever been in your life right now. It's painful and seems to be never-ending. Joy is finding perspective in the sadness. You can't have the joy without the sadness. How would you know what joy is without having something to compare it to? It's like that yin-yang thing. The depth to which you feel sadness is the depth to which you can feel joy. It's a balance._

_My hope for you is that you use this sadness to find your joy and appreciate it fully._

_You are my little sister and I love you._

_Emmett_

I wasn't sure I understood what Emmett was talking about. How could I find joy in sadness? I'd have to think more about his letter.

I finished off my breakfast of scrambled eggs, fruit, toast and juice before leaving the tray back outside the door. I knew I was assuming a lot by doing so, but I just wasn't ready to leave my room yet. I had a feeling the Cullens would understand.

I curled back up in my chair and wrapped the beautiful throw blanket Esme had crocheted for me around me before reaching for the next letter.

***

_**Alice**_

_Bella,_

_Seeing the future isn't always a gift. Sometimes I get impatient because I see possibilities for the people I love and I want those to happen right away. I don't want to wait for their happiness so sometimes I try to push things to happen a little bit faster. Sometimes that works and sometimes it backfires. It's always done with the best of intentions though. So I hope you understand that I only want the beautiful future I see as being possible for you. I truly see you as a sister and I want you to be happy, and to have that future. _

_This is my hope for you: that you find faith in your future, and in yourself._

_I know that you question if you are strong enough to survive what's been done to you. You've already come through the physical aspects of the attack, but it's the emotional damage that is causing you to wonder now. Wounds like that are much deeper and slower to heal. I wish I could fast forward time for you so you could see that it won't always bee this way but I know that it wouldn't do any good. With things like this, the journey is more important than the destination because, without the journey, the destination doesn't even exist. Make sense? I know I can be a bit cryptic at times and I do apologize about that, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to tell you. _

_Have faith in yourself, Bella. You have survived this long. You came back to an uncertain world from a place that you felt safe in. That took a great deal of courage. It's that courage you need to find again to get through each day. Don't worry about the future. Have faith that it will come and you will be ready for it when it does. Think about today, and tomorrow. Have faith that you have the courage to face them, and all the problems they may bring. You found the courage once; it will be there for you again when you need it. _

_If you can't find the faith in that, then have faith in me. I've seen your future, and it is so beautiful. You just have to find the courage to take it._

_All my love,_

_Alice_

The letters were getting to be a bit much to process. Alice's cryptic missive confused me more than it comforted. I didn't understand and I was going to have to spend some time thinking about all of this.

I knew which letter I wanted to read next out of the remaining three so I sifted through them until I found the one I was looking for.

***

_**Jasper**_

_Bella,_

_I feel like I know you the best out of everyone in my family and, before I tell you my hope for you, I wanted you to know how much I treasure your trust in me. It's priceless, and I know how much it costs you to share so much with someone. I'll never take that for granted. That's my promise to you._

_My hope for you is different than some of the others. I hope that you find a way to be complete with your past. Being raped isn't something you wanted but it isn't something you can change either. You can't shut it out and try to hide it away. It isn't going to leave or disappear, no matter how much we all wish that it would. It isn't that simple. It's a part of who you are now, like it or not. _

_I know all about hating parts of your past. I lived for a hundred years before meeting Alice and finding the Cullens. Most of that time I am deeply ashamed of and would give anything to take back. But I can't take it back and I can't change it. It's a part of my past and a part of me. It took a long time, but I had to accept that one day and let it integrate with the rest of who I am. Until I did, I was fighting a war I couldn't win because it was a war with the past. There's no way to defeat that. I had to call a truce. _

_Splitting off what happened to you and trying to keep it separate won't work. It causes you to fragment, in a way, and it's exhausting for you. Every minute of every day you are trying so hard to keep something hidden that affects your every thought and action. It's a hidden motivation, and one that you aren't able to change until you let it come into the light. You've already started to do this by telling me what happened. I'm so proud of you for taking that step. _

_Now it's time to take another. _

_My hope is that you will start to accept what happened. You were raped, and as much as we wish we could change that for you, we can't. It's part of who you are now. I hope you find a way to become complete with that part of you. Until you do, the men that did this still win. They control every thought and action you take. I hope you can keep them from any further victories with you. You are stronger than that._

_Jasper_

Part of me wanted to rage against Jasper's words. How could he ask me or expect me to just accept what had been done to me? Those men _ruined_ my life! They took away everything I thought I was. How could I ever let that go? I could feel the rage burning through me and it scared me a little. I took a few calming breaths and decided to move on to the next letter.

***

_**Rosalie**_

_Bella,_

_In some ways I see you as a second chance. Please don't be offended by that. I mean that I see in you all the possibilities I was denied after my own rape. In a sense, I was frozen forever at the moment of my attack. It's made the road to healing much longer and harder than it ever should have been. I used to see in the mirror what made them attack me. Since I never change, it took many years for me to actually want to see myself. _

_You have the chance to heal from what happened to you in a way that I never did. I meant what I said to you before. I will always walk beside you in this. In a way it gives some meaning to what I went through. I'm now able to help you since I have been where you are._

_That brings me to my hope for you. I want you to live, Bella, and not just be alive. There is so much possibility in you and in your future. I want you to discover it and find out what it really means to live. There is beauty and promise in each new day for you. I don't want you to allow this to destroy you. And yes, that is your choice to make. _

_You are stronger than you think. You are stronger than I am. And you are most definitely stronger than the men that did this to you. Choose to fight for yourself and for life. Don't just lay there and let them continue to take from you. Stand up and be anything you want. Chase life, because you still can. Choose life._

_Rosalie_

I wasn't offended by Rosalie telling me that she saw me as a second chance. Honestly, I was a bit intimidated and honored. She's so strong, and so beautiful. I wanted to be more like her. I couldn't imagine the times she told me about when she was afraid. Rosalie always seemed to me to be someone that was powerful and always in control. What could she see in me that was like her? Most of the time I felt so weak and small. Was that something I could ever attain? I smiled to myself as the thought that I wanted to be like Rosalie when I grew up passed through my mind.

I hesitated looking at the last letter in the box. Was I ready to read what Edward hoped for me?

I tried to steady my hand but it still shook as I reached for the last, unassuming envelope in the brightly colored box.

***

_**Edward**_

_Dearest Bella,_

_I usually know exactly what to say to someone all the time. Of course, I can usually read their minds so that makes it much easier. With you I have a hard time finding the words to tell you what I mean and what I am thinking. It's difficult knowing where to start._

_My hope for you is love. I know it sounds horribly cliché and simplistic but it isn't. Love encompasses so much and is so difficult. It's something you can't really hold on to tightly, as it will slip through your fingers. It takes a tremendous amount of trust and faith in yourself and in someone else. I want that for you. I want you to truly be able to experience what it is to surrender all of yourself to another person, wholly and without reservation. Love, in this form, is more beautiful than anything I have ever seen. It's belonging to someone else, as much as they belong to you. _

_I know after going through a trauma such as yours, it's not easy to think of love or romance. It's frightening and can seem overwhelming. It takes a tremendous amount of strength and courage to take that step. _

_I see that strength and courage in you every day. _

_I know that you have it within you to overcome any obstacle and truly live, and love, again. _

_I believe in you._

_Love is always worth the risk. _

_When you are ready, love will find you. I hope that you will embrace it with your whole heart. Whoever it is, I hope they will be worthy of you. Hold that love lightly in open hands and trust that it will encompass you, rather than smother you. Don't be afraid to let love touch you and change you. This time, the change will be a positive and beautiful thing. Even though love sometimes doesn't work out, it still leaves a piece of the person loved behind in you, and a piece of you in them. You carry that memory always. _

_Love will be waiting for you when you are ready._

_With hope,_

_Edward_

I read and re-read the letter from Edward what felt like a dozen times. I felt like there was something else he was trying to tell me but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. I wanted to ask him… I wasn't sure I understood what he meant when he said love would be waiting for me. Or maybe I did, and didn't believe it.

He saw so much in me that I didn't. Could he be right?

I had to see him.

I slowly got up and stretched the muscles that were stiff from sitting so long. When I opened my door, I found a lunch tray but I ignored it. I had somewhere to be.

Taking a guess, I made my way to Edward's room slowly. The last thing I needed right then was to fall and bring the rest of the family running. Come to think of it, there was a conspicuous lack of noise in the house I hadn't noticed before. Where was everyone?

I actually paused a moment and looked around, almost expecting them all to appear behind me, but I was just as alone in the hallway as I was in my room. I shrugged and continued to Edward's room.

His door loomed in front of me and I waited, uncertain as to what to do next. I raised my hand and lowered it several times before finally finding the courage to tap gently on the wood. I was sure he knew it was me, since my heartbeat gave me away. Seconds after I knocked the door opened to reveal Edward.

He was dressed more casually than I had ever seen him, in pajama pants and a t-shirt. The pants actually made me smile, as they were green with little reindeer all over them. His feet were bare and his hair was disheveled, as though he had run his fingers through it over and over again. He looked at me with questions in his eyes.

"Can I come in?" I asked hesitantly. He nodded and stepped to one side, waving me in with his hand.

I walked over to the leather couch along the wall and curled up on it. Edward waited a moment before following and settling next to me. He was turned slightly to his side so he could watch me. He simply waited for me to speak.

I fidgeted with the hem of my sweater. It had seemed so important, vitally so, that I speak to him but, once I was in front of him, I couldn't find the words. I guess what he wrote in his letter applied to me as well. I looked up into his patient eyes and found… well I wasn't sure what I found. There was some emotion there, swirling in the depths, but I couldn't name it. Wasn't sure I was ready to name it…

"I read your letter," I began. He didn't respond. "I… thank you. It's beautiful."

Edward smiled and reached for my hand.

I took a deep breath before continuing. "You see so much in me. I don't want to disappoint you but I'm not sure what you see actually exists."

His eyes narrowed as he shook his head at me.

"No, please hear me out. Everyone thinks I'm so strong, so brave. I'm not. I'm just trying to find the energy to get out of bed in the morning and the courage to walk into Jasper's office every afternoon. I know that I have to, because all of you are trying so hard to help me through this. I have to try at least as hard as all of you are."

Edward looked incredibly frustrated. He closed his eyes and sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Bella," he said.

We both froze. His eyes flew open and filled with fear.

I waited for the panic to overtake me.

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**Reviews are love!**


	22. Christmas

**A/N – I know, I know, I'm mean! I'm sorry! I stopped it there for a reason though. I was having a hard time figuring out what someone would say to a person they loved but had been unable to speak to for so long. Would the words flow like a river, fast and furious, or would they stall, because there was too much to say and nothing would come out? Hopefully you like what Edward had to say and don't throw things at me… ****J But seriously, over 80 reviews for the last chapter… I was amazed! Thank you thank you thank you! This would have been posted earlier but I have had the stupid swine flu for the past week. It sucks; avoid it like the plague it is.**

**Now, on a slightly more serious note, I've had a lot of comments in reviews lately about the pace of Broken. It's gotten to the point that I feel like I should say something here and settle the issue. Rape is not something that is easy to recover from, nor is it a quick process. I apologize to those of you that feel the story isn't moving fast enough for you but I have to be true to the characters, the story, and myself. I've been contacted by quite a few survivors of trauma since starting Broken and I feel like I owe it to them as well to do justice to the journey. As I said in the last chapter, in cases like this the destination doesn't matter nearly as much as the road to get there. I hope you can all understand that.**

**Enjoy Christmas with the Cullens!**

**I don't own Twilight.**

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"_Bella," he said._

_We both froze. His eyes flew open and filled with fear. _

_I waited for the panic to overtake me._

**BPOV**

It never came. I felt anxiety start to build so I closed my eyes and just breathed through it but I didn't feel the all-consuming fear I had the last time I heard Edward's voice.

I opened my eyes and looked at Edward. His face was wary, but a smile was starting to stretch across it. I smiled back at him and he couldn't contain the grin that overtook his expression. He was beaming.

"Bella?" he spoke again. I nodded and started to laugh.

Faster than I could blink, Edward had wrapped his arms around me and was holding me close. I couldn't stop the single tear that made its way down my face.

"Please, just keep talking to me. I want to hear your voice," I pleaded with him.

His hands kept stroking my back and hair softly though I could feel the slight tremble in them. It made me smile even more. The big, strong vampire was shaking over me, the broken human girl.

"I'm not sure what to say. I've thought so much about what I would want to tell you over these past few months but now that the moment is here I can't find the words," he said quietly and with a bit of hesitation. I could tell he was still afraid of sending me into a panic attack.

"The more you talk now the easier it is getting. Please, tell me anything," I said, trying to reassure him. He started to pull away but I tightened my hold. I knew he could get away easily but he sensed I wasn't ready to let go of him yet. Instead he shifted slightly until I was settled on his lap, cradled in his arms. He rested his cheek on the top of my head.

"Anything?" he asked.

"Whatever comes to mind," I said.

He paused for a moment, trying to decide what to talk about.

"Emmett found a badger the other day."

It wasn't what I had expected and it made me giggle. "What?"

"I have no idea how it happened because he was hedging on the details, which makes me believe that he smelled the poor creature hibernating and rousted it out of it's den for his own amusement. From what I could see in his mind and what he would tell me, the badger was pretty ticked off at being woken up. It was angry enough to disregard it's natural fear of vampires and started hissing at Emmett."

I couldn't help the image of a small, furry creature hissing angrily at big, goofy Emmett that popped into my mind. I laughed a little harder at the sight.

"What did Emmett do?" I asked, trying to muffle my laughter.

"What else? He hissed right back," he said, laughing himself now. I was fully laughing now, my whole body shaking with the force of my giggles and Edward's chuckles beneath me. "Apparently they got into some sort of stomping match where they would make aggressive movements towards one another while hissing. After a while though, Emmett got bored and let the badger go back to his den."

The image was just too much. I laughed until my sides hurt and I had tears pouring down my face. Trust Emmett to do something like that!

It took a few minutes for both of us to regain our composure but eventually we returned to just cuddling on the couch.

"I love hearing you laugh," he whispered into my hair. "I have a new goal now: to make you laugh every day for the rest of your life."

I turned my head so I could see his face. His eyes were soft and captured me instantly.

"We should head downstairs before Emmett explodes from wanting to open presents," he said after a minute.

"They waited for us?" I asked, confused. It was now mid-afternoon on Christmas day. I had thought everyone would have opened presents a long time ago, while I was busy with the letters.

"Sure. We couldn't start until the whole family was together."

I felt tears start to well up again. I was so sick of crying. Some days it seemed that was all I did. I saw the concern dance across Edward's face.

"What's wrong?" he asked gently. I shook my head.

"Nothing. I'm just… happy."

Thankfully he didn't press me any further. Instead, he gathered me up in his arms and headed for the doorway. I thought about protesting; I could walk, after all, but I was too comfortable in his arms and not ready to give that up just yet.

***

**JPOV**

We all watched as Edward carried Bella downstairs into the living room and settled on the couch with her in his lap. I looked around at the glowing faces of my family and was overwhelmed by the joy and love that filled the room. Of course, we had all heard what happened upstairs. There weren't any secrets in a house full of vampires. Edward speaking had taken everyone by surprise, even Alice. We all waited for the panic to come in Bella but it never did.

She and Edward couldn't seem to take their eyes off one another. It was like life had been breathed back into them both.

"FINALLY!" shouted Emmett, who had been impatiently dancing around the tree for hours, waiting for Bella to come out of her room. "It's about time you two!"

Bella blushed, causing Esme to rebuke Emmett playfully. "Emmett, be patient. We had to wait for the whole family to be together and you know it," she said gently but firmly.

Emmett pouted and sat next to Rosalie, causing Bella to laugh. I knew Emmett's secret. He was inwardly thrilled and didn't mind waiting at all. He just wanted to make Bella laugh. From the glance Edward shot Emmett, he knew it too.

Happy chaos reigned as the Cullens began opening presents. Everyone started with their own pile, with the exception of Bella and Edward. They were still too content cuddled together to move in order to open their presents.

After just a few minutes of paper flying everywhere, all that was left under the tree were the gifts marked carefully with the phoenix, designating them as for Bella, as well as another pile clearly wrapped by Bella herself.

It took several minutes for this fact to register with Bella and she started to blush.

"I couldn't think of what to get all of you. You've done so much for me and I had no idea what would convey my thanks for that. I hope you like what I've chosen," she said quietly as she slowly got up and moved towards the pile of presents she had wrapped. "I didn't know about the symbols when I wrapped these so they just have your names," she said apologetically.

"It's alright, Bella," said Esme kindly. "We don't mind at all."

Bella looked at the pile, most likely trying to decide which to hand out first. All of the packages were similar in size and all were square. Finally she reached for one and moved towards where Carlisle and Esme were seated together on the loveseat.

"I hope you don't mind, but I got you a joint gift. It reminded me of you," she explained as she handed the gift to Carlisle.

"Not at all," he said with a smile. He unwrapped the gift carefully as the rest of us looked on, curious as to what she had chosen. Well, all of us except Alice, of course, who had a peculiar smile on her face.

Once Carlisle had the box opened and the actual gift in his hands, he and Esme stared at the figurine.

It was a simple statue, almost crudely carved, and in a style I recognized instantly. I shot a glance at Alice, who merely smiled at me. The man and woman in it had no faces and, as a result, no expression. None was needed, however, because of the pose they held. The man was standing behind the woman with his arms around her waist. Her face was raised towards him and one hand rested on his face, the other on his arm. The statue showed love, in a true and deep way. I could see why it reminded Bella of Carlisle and Esme.

Esme held a small card in her hands that had come with the statue. She read it for the rest of us.

"Together – For those who have found their true partner in love and life," it said.

It was perfect for them. Bella watched them nervously, hoping they would like the gift she had chosen for them.

Carlisle kissed Esme on the forehead and turned to smile at Bella. "It's perfect. Thank you so much," he told her. Bella's relief was evident as she moved a little more quickly back to the tree to get the next present she had purchased. It was for Emmett.

"I kind of went with a theme…" she said as she handed the box to him. Alice's face betrayed nothing except excitement and joy. I wondered how much of this she had seen.

Emmett wasted no time in tearing open his present to reveal the statue within. It was another by the same artist, except this one had two figures seated on rocks. The male was sitting with his elbows on his knees and the female was slightly behind him, hands cupping her face.

"Brother and sister – by my side," Emmett read from the enclosed card. For once he seemed at a loss for words as he stared at the small figures.

"Emmett?" said Rosalie. Hearing her voice seemed to shock him out of whatever daze he was in.

"I love it Bella-boo!" he shouted and then picked Bella up and spun her around. Several of us spoke up to stop him but the sound of Bella's laughter held our tongues. Once he finally put her down she took a moment to steady herself before heading back to the tree. She didn't hesitate at all in picking out the next package. It was for Alice.

Alice's joy at the present was palpable as she opened it, already knowing what was inside. Of course, it was from the same line of figurines. This one screamed Alice. The female seemed to be bending into a breeze only she felt and had her hands clasped under her face. I could almost hear Alice's laughter as I looked at it.

"Free Spirit – Dancing through life with laughter," Alice read. "It's perfect, Bella."

I was starting to get excited to see what Bella had chosen for me… how she saw me. I wasn't disappointed as she came to me with her next present. I hesitated over the gift, knowing I would treasure the contents always but still slightly apprehensive. I opened it slowly to reveal the figurine inside.

It was a male figure seated on a stack of books and with another open at his feet as he read from yet another tome.

"Quest – Seek, explore, discover," I read from the enclosed card.

"It's how I always see you," Bella explained. "You always want to know everything about situations and you are always learning. I love that about you."

I was humbled by her gift. "Thank you," I said quietly. She nodded and went back to the tree. There were two wrapped gifts left. She chose the one on her left and proceeded to Rosalie.

The figure inside Rosalie's gift drew a gasp from Rosalie. It was two female figures, one behind the other with her arms around the first. The figure in front seemed so sad, and the one behind was offering comfort.

"Chrysalis – Protect and cherish; give wings to fly."

Bella reached for Rosalie's hand as Rose stared at the little statue. "Chrysalis means a protective covering or a sheltered state of being or growth. You have become this for me. You shelter me as I work my way through this state of being," she said quietly. If Rose had been able to cry she easily would have been, and she would not have been the only one. She had no words to respond to Bella so she nodded and reached up for a quick hug. They embraced only a moment before Rosalie detached herself and leaned into her husband, whose arms were ready for her.

Finally she took the last package from under the tree and turned to Edward. His emotions were a surprise to me, as he felt nothing but peace and anticipation at Bella's choice for him.

The figure Bella chose for Edward was female and her face was turned slightly down. She held a wilting forget-me-not in her hand.

"Remember – Always I'll remember," he read. He looked at Bella with questions in his eyes.

"It took me so long to decide on what figure to choose for you. What could possibly convey all the things I have to tell you? I chose this one because of the flower she's holding means memories. You've given me so many memories to replace the things I'd rather forget. I'm grateful for that," she said.

Edward's eyes bored into hers as he spoke. "It also means true love," he said.

"I know."

Alice chose that moment to interrupt. "Bella, you haven't opened any of your gifts yet," she said quietly, gently breaking the moment between Edward and Bella.

Bella settled in next to Edward, who carefully placed a kiss on her forehead before she started to open the gifts marked with her phoenix. There was a camera from Renee, along with a note to record new memories. From Charlie there was a new scrapbook so it was apparent he and Renee had spoken about what to get Bella.

Bella opened a velvet jewelry box to find a charm bracelet from all of us. It had each of our symbols on it, and her phoenix in the center. It was white gold and the detail on each charm was exquisite. I knew Alice had commissioned the piece several months beforehand.

"It's so you know you are never alone," Carlisle explained as he fastened the bracelet around her wrist. There was even Charlie's police badge charm and a sun for Renee. A little pig stood for Bentley. I could feel how much she loved it.

One large, flat package came from Billy and Jacob Black. All of us tried to keep from wrinkling our noses up at the smell but I could practically hear Alice planning to disinfect the contents while Bella slept that night. Inside the gift was a beautiful dream catcher. It was clearly handmade. The outer hoop was a rich brown color and the inner threads were golden. Hanging from several points were leather strips that had beads and feathers tied to them. It really was a lovely piece of craftsmanship and I could tell that Billy and Jacob had made it themselves.

Edward finally moved from his place by Bella's side to bring her another gift. This one was heavy and from him alone. Bella opened it to find a representation of the first exotic flower he had ever given her cast in crystal. The detail was perfect down to the minutest aspects of the flower. It was incredibly beautiful.

Bella held the flower in the palm of her hand as she examined it. She looked up to meet Edward's eyes.

"I never did get a chance to ask you," she started. "What's the name of this flower? I had never seen it before you brought them to me."

He smiled at her. "I would be surprised if you had, since they aren't native to this country. That's a Star of Bethlehem flower," he explained.

"It's so beautiful. Thank you, Edward," breathed Bella. He just smiled and kissed her hand.

I had never seen Bella so at peace. I hoped she wouldn't be offended by what Alice had done…

As if hearing my thought, Alice got up and moved gracefully over to another stack of packages that was also marked with Bella's phoenix.

"I hope you don't mind, Bella," she began hesitantly, "but I saw what you were going to get all of us and I kind of wanted to go with your theme…" she trailed off and I could feel her nerves. She must not have been able to see Bella's reaction to the next set of gifts. She walked to Bella with the first of the identically sized packages in her hands.

Bella quickly unwrapped the gift to find another statue from the same artist she had gifted each of us with. This one, however, was an angel. Her arms were stretched directly over her head in triumph.

"This is the angel of courage, Bella," said Alice.

Bella opened the card and read the inscription. _Bringing a triumphant spirit, inspiration and courage._

Bella looked up at the nervously pacing Alice and smiled. "I love it, Alice. Thank you."

Bella's acceptance of Alice's angel brought excitement to everyone else. Carlisle moved first, taking two packages from the pile.

"This one is from Charlie, Bella," he explained, handing her the first one.

Bella stared at the package for a moment. "I think I'll open this one later, if you don't mind," she said quietly. I could feel her longing for her father and I could understand why she would want to wait.

"Not at all," said Carlisle. "This one is from me."

This angel was crouching down, holding an animal in her hands.

"The angel of miracles," she read. _Trusting in life's everyday miracles._ "Thank you, Carlisle."

He nodded and took his seat back beside Esme, who moved to retrieve her angel for Bella and a second package. The second package turned out to be the angel from Renee, which Bella also chose to open at a later time.

Esme's angel was cradling a bird in her arms. Her gentle posture reminded me of Esme.

_The angel of healing - For those who give comfort with caring and tenderness._

Each family member presented their angel to Bella and I could feel her emotions starting to overwhelm her.

From Rosalie, _the angel of hope - "Sharing the light of hope and courage"._

From Emmett came _the angel of remembrance - "Keeping treasured memories close"._

I had chosen _the angel of dreams - "Guarding Your Hopes and Dreams", _for Bella, hoping it would bring her pleasant dreams and chase away the nightmares for her.

As with before, Edward presented his angel last. He had chosen _the angel of caring - "Always there, listening with a willing ear and an open heart"._

She gently traced the wings of Edward's angel for her as she looked at the other angels placed all around her.

I caught Edward's eye. _She's overwhelmed, Edward. She's not sure what to say._

He nodded quickly to let me know he had heard my thought before kneeling in front of Bella. He took her hands in his and looked at her face.

"We chose these for you with a purpose in mind. I know that you must feel like everything is different and nothing will ever be the same. It's an awful feeling and we all hate that you have to go through this. But those men, they can't win, Bella. They may have taken everything you thought you were, but they could never touch everything you could possibly be. And we want you to always remember that, no matter what," he told her gently but with conviction dripping from every word.

Everyone just remained still for a few moments while Edward's words soaked into the atmosphere of the room. Esme was the first to stir.

"It's getting a bit late. Why don't I get you some dinner, Bella? You must be hungry," she said, looking out at the dark skies. Sometime during the afternoon snow had started to fall softly, dusting the windowpanes and turning the area quiet and still.

Bella looked away from Esme and back to Edward's waiting eyes.

"Come with me?" she asked quietly.

"Anywhere."

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**In case you aren't familiar with her work, the statues and angels are property of Susan Lordi and her Willow Tree line. **

**Reviews are love!**


	23. Musical Therapy

**More detailed A/N at the end...**

**I don't own Twilight. **

**

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**

BPOV

The days following Christmas were strange for me. I knew that I had reached a turning point but I wasn't sure what it was. Life with the Cullens was the only thing that felt real anymore. The outside world seemed to not really exist. I remembered Charlie and Renee and doing things outside of the Cullen house, but those memories seemed faded and dark, like I was looking at them through sunglasses. They weren't my reality any longer and I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

I realized I hadn't left the house in months. More to the point, I realized that I didn't want to. I was safe here.

Renee called on Christmas, as did Charlie, but their voices didn't seem to have the same pull over me as they once did. I opened their angels on while I was on the phone with them in my room.

From Renee, there was the _angel of freedom – allowing dreams to soar._ It suited her well. Renee had always been a free spirit, going where the wind led her from day to day.

I didn't have that luxury any longer.

From Charlie, I found the _angel of wishes – may you always hold unto your dreams._ Seeing the precious angel and reading the card made me cry a little. Charlie might not have been the most verbal of parents but he did love me. I wished I could be better for him.

I carefully arranged my angels on my bedside tables, so I was surrounded by them when I slept. I hung the dreamcatcher from Jake and Billy over my bed. My bedroom was starting to feel like a sanctuary and I loved it.

Sessions with Jasper had started again the day after Christmas. It was December 29th now, and I was stalling. I really didn't feel like talking today.

**JPOV**

I could hear Bella puttering about in her room and could feel her reluctance. I sighed but smiled. At least she was feeling something about our sessions. Her reluctance showed that maybe I was heading in the right direction with her. Therapy isn't supposed to be easy. If it isn't challenging the patient, something isn't going right.

I waited a few minutes more and finally Bella could delay no longer. She made her way down to my office, dragging her feet the entire time. She walked in clutching Bentley. I was surprised, as he hadn't been a part of our sessions for a few weeks now. Bella was wearing black jeans and a deep red sweater. The color brought out the slight pink in her cheeks. Bentley was dressed the same, except his sweater was a deep blue. Where Alice was finding her never-ending supply of pig clothing I had no idea. I probably didn't want to know.

Bella flopped unceremoniously onto the couch and glared at me.

"I really don't feel like talking today, Jasper," she said.

Ok, well that's a place to start.

"Why not?" I asked, trying to get her to open up a little.

She shrugged at me. "I'm just not in the mood."

"Ok so why don't we talk about something different today," I suggested, though I knew exactly what I was going to bring up. The exact same thing I had intended all along. "How are you feeling about Edward?" I asked, and her eyes lit up. I contained my smile but I knew that she was starting to really trust him with herself, and that was huge progress for her. Honestly the pace of her recovery amazed me. She truly was one of the strongest humans I had ever met.

"He's been so wonderful to me. He's so patient and he always listens. Now that I can hear his voice and not panic it's even better," she said, her eyes far away. I needed to bring her back to the present.

"Why do you think his voice caused such an extreme reaction in you before?" I asked her. I had my theory but I wanted to know what she thought. Her eyes clouded over as she turned back towards me and her grip on Bentley tightened until her knuckles were white.

"I don't know," she said as she looked at the floor. She was lying and I knew it. This was no time to coddle her.

"Bella," I began with a firm tone in my voice. It caught her by surprise. "You know you can't lie to me. Why do you think that Edward's voice caused you to panic before?" I pressed the issue, determined to bring this out of her. If she and Edward were ever going to get anywhere she had to face this, and move past it.

"I really don't want to talk about this, Jasper."

"Bella…" I said, warning clear in my tone. She sighed and I knew I had won.

"Fine," she huffed at me. "It's because he found me."

I said nothing, just waited for her to continue.

"He found me in the gutter where those men left me. They used me and threw me away like garbage. And he saw me like that… Edward, of all people," she whispered. "His was the first voice I heard after… they left. He shouldn't have seen me like that."

"That wouldn't have caused the panic, Bella," I said softly. She was moving in the right direction. My job was just to guide her.

"I know. It was more than that. I could still feel them on me when he got there. Somehow, hearing his voice brought that feeling back."

I nodded at her.

"You didn't have very many memories of Edward before the attack. Your mind couldn't help but associate his voice to that moment in your life until you had enough memories of him that were unrelated so you could finally separate them in your mind."

She thought about that for a minute while idly playing with Bentley's tail. "I guess that makes sense…"

"How do you feel now that you can talk to him?" I asked, curious.

Her face lit up. "Wonderful. It's hard to describe really but it's like I've been given a gift sort of. I don't think I'm making any sense," she said, trailing off as she shook her head.

"I'd like to ask you about an idea I had," I started slowly. I wasn't sure how she would react to this and I wanted to be careful.

"Ok," she replied cautiously.

"How would you feel about me including Edward in a session? I'd like to try some musical therapy with you and he's the best piano player in the family."

Bella's gut reaction was visceral fear and shame.

"I don't want him to know," she whispered. She was staring down at Bentley and hiding behind her curtain of hair so I couldn't see her face.

"Know what?" I asked, though I was sure I already knew.

"What happened to me. I mean, I know that he _knows_ but I don't want him having any of the details," she said. Her shame coursed through me.

"Bella, why are you so ashamed right now?"

She didn't say anything. Her fidgeting with Bentley's tail became frantic, almost violent.

"Talk to me," I pressed. I knew I couldn't let this go.

"I'm not… I'm just… I can't…" she stammered, trying to either avoid the topic altogether or to find the words, I wasn't sure which.

"What is it, Bella?"

"I'm broken, ok? I'm messed up. I'm not a real person anymore and he deserves better than that. Better than me…" Had I not been a vampire I wouldn't have heard her last statement at all. I scooted forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees, leaning towards her.

"Bella, look at me please." She raised her watery brown eyes until they were staring into mine. "You are a whole person. Yes, you have problems, but so does everyone. Edward isn't perfect and he doesn't expect you to be either," I explained firmly.

Her arms tightened around Bentley until she was holding on to him for dear life.

"He's just… I'm not … sure … what he wants from me. I think he might… like me… and I'm just not…"

She was so confused and afraid that she couldn't put anything into words. I took her hands.

"Breathe honey," I commanded in a soft voice. Slowly her breathing slowed and she calmed herself down. I was proud of her. "I promise you won't have to tell him anything. The idea I would like to try doesn't involve you saying anything about your attack at all. Do you think you can try?" I asked carefully, hoping she would agree.

She seemed to think for a few minutes. I waited, unwilling to rush her. Finally she nodded.

"As long as I don't have to tell him anything, I guess it would be ok. I mean, I'll try."

I smiled. Tomorrow we would try music therapy.

***

**EPOV**

It was Bella's time with Jasper so I had made myself scarce for a few hours. I needed to think anyway. I had been waiting months to be able to speak with Bella again and, now that it had finally happened, I needed to process.

I was terrified when I first spoke her name. I thought that she would start screaming or worse, retreat into herself again. I didn't want to be responsible for that. I couldn't handle being the one to hurt her again.

I had retreated into a tree about ten miles from the house. That way I was out of hearing range with both my ears and my mind. I wanted to give Bella as much privacy as possible. Of course, with Alice's vision still looming of Bella with red eyes, none of us was ever alone with her, but Carlisle could be trusted to keep Bella's secrets and not make her feel awkward. It was a good compromise.

I knew that it was driving Alice crazy that she couldn't see who turned Bella into a vampire. The vision of Bella and I dancing changed daily now, between Bella's original brown eyes and the new red ones. Something was wavering but Alice couldn't tell what.

It had to be Bella. I had searched the minds of my entire family, trying to be discreet about it, and none of them had even a fleeting thought of changing Bella. Everyone seemed to be totally invested in helping her heal _as a human._ I couldn't think of any other possibility other than Bella deciding she wanted to be turned.

She had gotten to be close with Rosalie. Given their shared past experiences, it only made sense that Bella saw her as a role model. I wasn't sure it was entirely healthy though. Rosalie had never made a concerted effort to deal with her rape. She preferred to act as though it had never happened most of the time. It was as if she was afraid to appear weak to the rest of us. She was only now starting to acknowledge the affects of the rape on her, even to this day.

Bella was helping to heal Rosalie just as much as Rosalie was helping to heal Bella.

I shifted slightly on my branch, more out of habit than necessity. I had perched near the top of a spruce tree, staring out over the vast green ocean of forest in front of me. I could think here, far away from intruding thoughts of others. Sometimes I still found it hard to focus on my own thoughts and drown out the voices of others. The thoughts of my family had been in such a constant state of alert ever since Bella moved in with us that I hadn't had the time to really stop and think about everything that had happened.

Bella was raped.

Even though I was there immediately afterwards, I still found it hard to believe. She didn't deserve to go through something so traumatic. In reality, no one did, but I wasn't thinking about every victim. I was thinking about one victim; the one that I loved.

Those men took so much away from her. Technically I had been a teenager for eighty years but I had been an observer for most of that time. This was supposed to be a time of learning who and what someone is and what they want to be. In a few short minutes (at least, I hoped they were short. I had no way of knowing,) everything was taken from Bella and she lost all sense of self. I could see how she would be as confused as she had been and react by retreating completely.

Now she was lost, and I needed to help her find her way.

I loved her. I knew that, even in the worst moments after finding her in the street. Maybe I knew it more then, because she was broken and bleeding in front of me. The power my love for her had over me staggered me in my memory. Her blood didn't tempt me at all. The only thought in my mind was to save her… help her. I loved her before that moment but the strength of it only fully showed itself then.

I tried to drag my thoughts back to Bella and her rape. I didn't know how I felt about it. Jasper would tell me that I have to know how I feel to begin to deal with it. The woman I loved had been attacked. Or maybe she was a girl then… either way, she was a woman now. This had forced her to grow up far too fast.

So how did I feel? I pondered the question as I stared at the tree branch below me, focusing on the patterns in the bark.

Anger: I was angry that those men took what they wanted from Bella with no regard to what it would do to her. Their callus nature damaged her and they didn't care at all. I was also angry at… Rosalie.

Revenge was my right. I realized it was an idea from a different time but it was my mate that had been hurt. It was my right to avenge that hurt. It should have been my hands that crushed the life from them. I should have been able to see the light fade from their eyes forever as they died staring at me. I wanted my face to be the last thing they ever saw as I dispatched them to hell, where they surely belonged.

I examined my anger like a crystal in my hands before setting it aside to deal with later.

Sadness: I was unbearably sad for Bella. More than that, I was sad for what she had lost with the future love of her life. I was hopeful enough to think that man would be me, but I wasn't conceited enough to assume. There were some things that were meant to be shared between a man and a wife. I knew I was again showing my age, but that was how things were done in my time. It was ingrained in me, and I couldn't change it.

Some things are deeper than time.

Bella's virginity was something sacred that should have been shared with her future husband. I ached to think that the rite of passage that should be taken in love was instead taken in pain for her.

Her first time should have been slow and gentle, not rough and painful in a dark alley.

I was drawn from my thoughts by approaching footsteps. I opened my mind and found a familiar 'voice' calling to me.

_Edward, I know you're up there! Come down and talk to me!_

I sighed, as I could feel the impatience in her thoughts. Moving quickly I stepped lightly into nothing and fell to the forest floor, landing in a crouch, ready to pounce on my prey.

My prey, however, did not look intimidated. Rather, she looked entirely amused.

"Really, Edward? I saw that coming hours ago!" Alice laughed. Of course she did.

I mock-growled at her anyway.

"Whatever, Edward," she said sarcastically. "I'm here to talk about Bella."

That got my attention. "What about Bella? Did you see something?" I demanded.

_No, nothing new,_ her thoughts were quick to reassure me. _It's so frustrating. I can't see much of her future at all. I've never been so limited in my visions before…_

"It kind of makes sense though, Alice," I said.

_How?_

"Every day people make hundreds of small and large decisions. Every one of those decisions has a measurable impact and creates a quantifiable future that you can see, right?"

_Ok…_

"Bella isn't really making decisions right now. In the months I couldn't talk to her, I really studied her and everything she does. I feel like not speaking gave me the time to really know her, if that makes sense. I had to focus entirely on her," I explained. It was true. I had become something of a Bella-expert, just by watching her. "She's just drifting along every day, not making any real decisions."

_That makes sense! With her lack of decisions, it is clearly keeping me from seeing any sort of future for her beyond just a few minutes or sometimes a day or so. The flashes I'm seeing must be the few times she makes a concrete decision about something,_ Alice thought excitedly. I could see the pieces falling into place in her mind. Suddenly her brow furrowed and I knew what was coming.

_Wait… that means…_

"That the times you've seen Bella as a vampire have been due to a decision she made," I finished for her when she trailed off. I've rarely seen Alice speechless.

"I don't understand…" she said slowly. Her mind was almost completely blank, with only the picture of the newborn Bella in the front and center.

"I'm not sure I do either. We will just have to try and minimize the chances of it happening and hope for the best," I said. I could only hope we would be able to keep her safe… and human.

Alice shook her head to clear it of the vision and I could almost see her force a mood shift. "Anyway, I got a vision about tomorrow that I want to talk to you about…" she began.

I listened to what she was telling me with interest and smiled when she was finished. Jasper had spoken to me about this, of course, but I had no idea how it would go.

"Sorry, Alice, I need to go pick something up."

***

I was sitting on my piano bench, nervously fingering the keys in front of me. I've played for my family and others thousands of times but this was different. I hadn't really played since Bella's attack. Of course, I knew that my recall would still be pristine, but this was likely the most important thing I would ever do at my piano.

I was here to help Bella.

I glanced over at the dozen deep pink roses that were just starting to blossom in the crystal vase next to the piano. I wasn't sure she had realized the message of all the flowers yet but I was still hoping she would. I wasn't religious by any stretch of the imagination and wasn't even sure if vampires had souls but I found myself praying, pleading with anyone that would listen, that Bella would understand and that she could begin to heal.

Perhaps since my supplication was for another God would listen.

Carlisle was in his study working on some consulting for the hospital. Even though both Jasper and I would be with Bella for this session, neither of us had the best control so we had mutually agreed that Carlisle should remain in the house as well. I could hear Jasper trying to coax Bella downstairs.

_Good Lord she's nervous, _he thought. _Edward, do me a favor and turn towards the piano. I know it's asking a lot of you, but I need you to kind of just be invisible except for the sounds of the piano so she will calm down and not be distracted. I'll communicate with you through my thoughts, just like we discussed. _

"No problem," I said out loud but low enough that I knew Bella wouldn't hear me. I turned towards the keys and settled in to sit perfectly still until I was needed.

Finally, Jasper managed to get Bella down the stairs and into the living room. We had positioned the couch so its back was to the piano and, consequently, me. Another chair was right in front of the couch, facing where Bella would be, for Jasper.

I could hear him getting her settled on the couch and then taking his position in the chair. I ached to look over at her, give her some sort of reassuring gesture, but I knew that was the last thing she needed just then.

"Alright Bella, here is how this will work. I'm going to say a word and I want you to close your eyes and simply feel whatever comes to you. Go with your first reaction and let whatever happens, happen. Try to relax and flow with it. I'm going to read what you're feeling and then you will hear the music start to match the emotion. Make sense?"

I could hear Bella shift a bit and assumed she was nodding.

"Ok close your eyes, and try to relax," Jasper said in a low and soothing tone.

_Ready, Edward? _he asked me mentally. I nodded, knowing he would see.

"Take a deep breath and hold it in for a second," he instructed. I could hear Bella comply. "Let it out slowly, counting in your mind down from five as you do so." Jasper repeated this a few times until he was sure she was relaxed.

The only sound in the room was Bella's breathing.

"River."

There was a pause, and then I heard Jasper's thoughts.

_She's feeling peaceful, completely serene. I wanted to start with something simple. _

I played a soft melody that reminded me of the way a river flowed as you stared at it. It was never the same, so the melody really didn't have a chorus, per se. There were subtle differences each time it repeated. I played for a few minutes, and then slowly tapered off.

_Perfect, Edward. Let's try for something a little harder._

"Window."

_She's slightly uneasy, and feeling a little afraid. Good, that's what I was hoping for. Let's try the experimental part of this now._

I mentally steadied myself before starting to play. The melody was again light, but had darker strains of harmonic minor woven in. It was a little uncomfortable to hear. Slowly, I resolved the harmonic minor chords into major notes that eased the tension before trailing off.

_This is working, Edward. She was feeling everything you were playing and, as you resolved the feelings, so did she. At least for the time being, anyway. _

I smiled. This was something I could do for Bella.

"Charlie," came Jasper's voice. Even though I knew it was coming I was unprepared for Bella's reaction. She drew in a sharp breath and I could hear her start to shake.

_Don't worry, I expected this to happen. She's feeling weak, ashamed, and sad. She is longing for him._

I thought of times I had felt those emotions and poured them out through the keys. Soft strains of longing tinkled through the melody as it wove around all of us in the room like a soft rope, binding us together in the experience of the moment. I could feel something powerful happening and was grateful to be a part of it.

I resolved the melody into something peaceful and closed it out.

Bella's breathing was ragged, as though she had run a marathon. I could hear her fingers clenching and unclenching around something. Jasper didn't give her any time for a reprieve.

"Alley."

I could almost feel without Jasper's gift Bella's panic and fear. Soft sounds were escaping her now and I could smell her tears.

_Stick with me, I promise this is helping. I know it's hard. _Jasper was trying to reassure me. I couldn't help it; it hurt to hear her in so much pain. _She's panicked, obviously, and feeling fear. _

I played with a vengeance, the song quick and difficult. The notes moved fast and faster, as though trying to run away from my fingers, but I gave no quarter to them. I pursued the music relentlessly. Slowly I eased up, wanting to make it a very gradual transition. I knew it would be a harder feeling to resolve than the previous ones and I wanted to give both of us time to adjust so that it would work and feel natural. It took longer, but eventually the music concluded in stillness.

"Victim," said Jasper coolly.

Bella's reaction was intense. She was nearly screaming. Through Jasper's mind I could see her, and her body was tense, every muscle straining. I half expected her to jump up and start throwing things.

_She's angry, livid even. Good. That's what I was hoping for. You're up, Edward._

He didn't need to tell me she was angry. That much was obvious.

Again, the melody was fast but this time there was a dark and furious tone to it. The music was unapologetic, thundering throughout the house. I could even hear Carlisle stop what he was doing to just listen. It stormed and rolled and took over everything in its path.

I battled both Bella's rage and my own through the music and when I finally felt that there was nothing left in me to release and I slowly resolved the melody. I felt drained, but cleansed somehow.

Bella was sobbing.

I didn't think she could take much more but I could already sense that Jasper wanted to push her even further.

Honestly, I wasn't sure how much more I could take.

He said the one word I was dreading and hoping he would stay away from.

"Rape."

There was an indrawn breath and then silence. Stillness filled the air as I waited, but Jasper didn't direct me with any of Bella's feelings. He was waiting for something.

It wasn't long in coming.

The gut-wrenching sound that came from Bella was visceral. It was the sound of a human in intense pain, more than anyone should have to bear. It was ripping through her like a hurricane, smashing against everything it touched.

I didn't need Jasper's words. I started playing the storm.

It took everything I had out of me and then some. I felt like I was drawing on the collective pain of victims of rape everywhere and translating their pain into music. It felt wrong. Music wasn't meant to be so painful. It hurt to listen to and to feel. The entire house throbbed with the agony that was pouring from Bella. I ripped her pain away from us and sent it soaring in song out to the cosmos and whoever might be listening, deity or otherwise. I played and played until the wounds seemed to be cleaned, finally. When I struck the last chord I felt almost physically sick from the emotions I had experienced. I couldn't imagine how Bella must be feeling.

There was silence throughout the entire house. Carlisle wasn't moving or breathing either upstairs, so I knew he was taking in the power of the moment. During the storm of music, Bella's sounds of primal agony had faded to deep sobs and then to soft cries. I glanced over, risking Jasper's wrath, to see how she was faring.

She was on her knees on the floor. I must have been lost in the music to have not heard her collapse to the ground. Jasper was kneeling in front of her, his chair pushed over on its side, and his arms tightly around her as she shook.

He looked… blissfully happy.

He must have felt my confusion amidst the exhaustion.

_She's relieved, Edward. It's finally out. _

I thought I understood and I didn't want to interrupt the moment. I slipped silently from the room and up to my own. I needed time to process what had just happened. I had never experienced anything so intensely painful or moving. The power of the afternoon stunned me. I glanced at the clock and was stunned to see that three hours had passed since we began. I needed to breathe, and think.

***

**BPOV**

There were no words for what happened during music therapy. I knew that I would search for them someday but I was too exhausted. Every inch of me ached, as though I had been put physically through a wringer or flattened somehow. I hurt physically but inside I felt… clean. It was like something had been purged from me, an infection that was festering deep in a wound.

I still didn't feel like the old me, and I probably never would, but I finally felt a little bit better.

I felt hope.

After the session I was too exhausted to even walk back to my room. Jasper carried me upstairs and tucked me into bed. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

For the first time since the attack, I didn't dream.

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**This was draining to write. I've had the musical therapy idea in mind for quite a while and was just waiting for the right moment but I had no idea how intense the scene would be. Goodness. This chapter marks a huge milestone for Bella and for me as the writer. Bella finally has hope. For me, this chapter puts Broken over 100,000 words. Last chapter Broken got its 900th review, which shocks and amazes me. Everyone who reviews touches me and I wish I was able to respond to each of you individually.**

**Last but not least, I've posted another one-shot. This one is in honor of National Survivor's of Suicide Day that was last Saturday, the date I posted the story. It's intense but a story I needed to tell. **

**I promise, I can write light and fun! These heavier stories just needed to come first. Add me to author alert if you would like, as I have a one-shot crackfic coming up very soon starring Emmett and another multi-chapter starting soon after Broken is complete. **

**Hugs to you all! Reviews are love.**


	24. Messages in Flowers

**I don't own Twilight. If I did, I wouldn't be stuck working 2 jobs and getting no sleep.**

**Sorry this is so short but it was either end here and post today or wait until I had the time to get through the next section of the story. Since it's been a few weeks since I updated, I figured it was better to post now.**

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Sam POV

I watched the goings-on at the Cullen house from a safe distance, beyond where they could smell me. All of the females and the largest male were away from the house, leaving Bella Swan alone with the alpha male and two others. I had been observing their interactions with Bella at Billy Black's request, as Charlie was his best friend.

I knew they had to be aware that I was periodically watching them. My scent was as distinctive to them as theirs was to me. Thus far, we had simply avoided one another without comment.

They had been warned that we would be watching.

I found myself drawn more and more to the Cullen house of late, however. They weren't acting as I had been raised to believe that bloodsuckers did. Unless I was completely off my guess, they actually wanted nothing more than to help Bella Swan, a human.

After months of watching, I could find no other conclusion. No one played with their food for that long.

I sat back on my haunches and shook out my fur, sending snow flying all around me. Jared and Paul, the other members of my pack, were sleeping off last night's runs. Another vampire coven had passed by a few days ago, a female and two males, and we hadn't been able to catch and destroy them. I believed they had left the area, but wasn't ready to relax my guard just yet.

So I sat and listened while two of the males worked with Bella in the living room. At first I didn't understand what was happening. I had been present, albeit from a distance, for several of Bella's 'therapy' sessions with the one they referred to as Jasper but this was different. For one thing, Bella wasn't speaking. For another, neither were the other two, other than Jasper occasionally speaking one word. This session was about music.

It was physically painful to listen to the music being played by the one called Edward. I felt every note he played. The music seemed to shred me from the inside out, claws raking through everything in its path. When it was finally over I nearly collapsed in relief as I fought to not lose what I had eaten for breakfast. The intensity of the pain and anguish overwhelmed me and overcame everything else.

Could he somehow be playing how Bella was feeling? Could anyone survive that sort of pain?

I knew I was intruding heavily on her privacy by listening to her therapy sessions but I couldn't draw myself away. Her story broke my heart. She was as scarred as my Emily but her marks were all on the inside. If the one called Edward was truly playing Bella's pain then she was stronger than anyone I had ever known and she deserved every chance to heal.

I found myself thinking she was lucky to have the Cullens to support her. I didn't have to like them to approve of what they were doing for her.

But that didn't mean that I wouldn't be watching.

**APOV**

I watched Bella sleep deeply and, for once, she was peaceful. It appeared that the music therapy had gone even better than I could have foreseen. Of course, my visions where Bella was concerned were not reliable lately. I couldn't help but scrunch my nose in frustration at that. Even knowing _why_ I couldn't see wasn't helping how irritating it was. I wasn't used to going blind in things.

I returned home as soon as I knew the session was over and encouraged Jasper and Carlisle to force Edward from the house to 'hunt'. I knew him well enough to translate that as 'talk'. I was grateful Carlisle had spared me the task. Edward was going to need to talk about what had happened today. I hoped he realized that, though he had caused Bella pain, he had helped her far more.

She was resting peacefully for the first time since the attack. She was so still lying there, with her hair fanned out around her on the soft pillows. Had she not been breathing I would have wondered if my vision of her dead had come true. I shuddered, thankful that particular vision hadn't returned.f

I glanced over to the crystal vase that Edward had filled with deep pink roses. They were just starting to bloom and filled the room with their delicate scent. It danced and swirled around Bella's sleeping form, mixing with her scent. I wondered if she would ever realize all that Edward had been saying to her in the past few months with flowers.

As the thought crossed my mind, a flash of a vision unfolded in front of me. It would happen soon, as Bella was wearing the same outfit she currently had on in her sleep. She was holding a single rosebud from the vase and her eyes were huge and shocked.

"_I don't understand,"_ she whispered.

And the vision ended. My frustration was mounting where Bella was concerned. I didn't know if it was one thing she wouldn't make a choice on that was completely blocking my gift or if it was just the way she was drifting through life every day. What didn't she understand?

I played with the vision a bit as I waited (somewhat impatiently) for Bella to wake up. I made different decisions, trying to see what would cause that specific vision. It was so short and fleeting but it seemed vital somehow. Finally Bella started to stir.

"Hello sleepyhead. How was your nap?" I asked, giggling a little at the haystack Bella's hair had become in her sleep.

She smiled at me and I could see hints in that smile of the best friend I saw her becoming. Yes, my husband was brilliant. I made a mental note to repay him later. I had finally found a vintage civil war uniform for him and a nurse uniform from the same era… Bella's voice brought me back from my reverie.

"Good, actually. I feel… better," she said slowly, as if disbelieving her own words.

I smiled at her. "That's a good thing."

Bella rolled over onto her side and looked at me. "Alice, tell me about when you were human."

I couldn't help the sad look that came over my face. "I can't actually. I don't remember anything about my human life."

"Is that possible? I mean, obviously it is but why would that happen?" she asked, shocked.

"I'm not sure really. Most of us have blurry memories of being human and they fade even further with time if you don't make the effort to keep them sharp. I've never remembered anything at all. It just happens that way sometimes," I explained.

"Oh," Bella said. "Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

"It's ok," I told her. I wanted to change the subject. "Did you see the flowers Edward left for you?" I asked, pointing towards the vase that her back was currently towards. She quickly looked over her shoulder at the lovely blooms.

"Oh, they are so beautiful," she murmured.

"Thankfulness," I whispered. Edward's messages to Bella through flowers had always touched me.

"What?" Bella asked. She had heard my whisper. Oops.

"Dark pink roses mean thankfulness," I said slowly. Bella thought for a moment and her eyes grew wide.

"Wait, Alice, do all flowers have meanings?" she asked me.

"Many of them do, yes," I answered. Bella took a flower from the vase and held it in her shaking hands. I saw the vision I experienced earlier coming to life in front of me.

"I don't understand," she said. "What do they all mean?"

"I don't know all of them," I explained, "but I'm sure there's a book somewhere in the house that will have all of the meanings."

If it were possible, Bella's eyes got even wider. "Book…" she said, trailing off as her gaze flew to her bedside table. Quickly she reached into it and pulled out a slim volume that I knew Jasper had in his library at one point. He must have given it to her.

"Jasper knew," she whispered. "Alice, do you at least know the names of the flowers so we can look them up?"

"Of course," I replied. I got up and reached for the scrapbook she and I had been keeping since the first flowers Edward got her. Each page had been lovingly decorated and detailed with the date and a single blossom. I also grabbed the pens we had been using so we could write down the names and meanings of the flowers across the bottoms of the pages. I had deliberately left this space blank on each page for just this purpose.

"Let's start at the beginning," I said, and Bella eagerly opened the book of flower meanings to search for the first flower. It was the same flower that Edward had given her cast in crystal for Christmas, the Star of Bethlehem. It meant hope.

Bella and I spent all afternoon looking up flowers and adding their meanings to the pages in the scrapbook. She was overwhelmed.

"Do you think he actually means all of this?" she asked quietly as she stroked the page holding the flower we now knew to be an acacia blossom. It stood for concealed love. So many messages that she just hadn't known to look for…

"Of course he does. Edward doesn't do anything he doesn't mean," I told her.

I could see her thinking about that.

"Alice!" she practically shouted at me. I could already see the decision she had made.

"It's perfect," I smiled. "And I know just where to find it." It was out of season but thankfully I knew someone with a greenhouse that grew that particular flower. Now, how to get it here quickly enough… My mind spun with possibilities and quickly discarded most of them. I needed that flower here within a few hours! If I chartered a helicopter in Dallas…

Finally, I had the perfect blossom in my hands after four short hours. Edward and Carlisle hadn't returned from their hunt and Rosalie and Emmett were otherwise occupied so it was just Bella and I home with Esme.

The single flower was a light orange at the tips and faded to a brilliant orange pattern in the middle of each petal before turning yellow in the center. Four petals lay on top of four others, creating a square upon a square. It was so unique and perfect for the message Bella wanted to relay to Edward. I just knew he would understand.

***

**EPOV**

Carlisle and Jasper had rushed me out of the house so quickly after the therapy session that I didn't have time to see how Bella was faring. It was driving me mad but I knew that Alice would call if anything was wrong. I tried to hunt but my heart just wasn't in it.

"Edward, you need to drink," Carlisle started sternly from behind me. "Today took a great emotional toll on you and you need to recharge."

I knew that but couldn't find it within myself to move from my current seat on the ground. I stared ahead blankly, looking at everything and nothing all at once.

I was completely empty. I had not realized how much of me was consumed with rage and hatred and sadness until it was gone. It had poured out of ever fiber of my being and out through my fingers until there was nothing left. I didn't know what to do once it was gone.

_Edward, you are kind of creeping me out…_ Jasper's mental voice intruded on my solitude.

"Sorry," I commented absently. I was intrigued by the feeling of emptiness inside me and wasn't sure what to say other than that.

"What are you thinking?" asked Carlisle as he gracefully seated himself next to me.

"Nothing," I replied. "There's just nothing left. I feel emptied out of everything now." I looked over at Jasper. "Did it help?"

_Help Bella?_

I nodded in response to his thoughts.

"Of course it did. You saw her, Edward."

"I saw her sobbing on the floor, broken and exhausted."

"No," he said firmly. "You saw her releasing a lot of pain and letting it go. You saw her accepting her own emotions and not fighting them for the first time. You saw her start to heal."

I was frustrated. "How is it that you understand so much more about what is going on with Bella? Why is it so difficult for me to grasp?"

This time Carlisle spoke up. "Edward, Jasper has an extensive background in psychology not to mention over a hundred years of experience. Of course this comes easier to him."

"I've studied medicine as well," I was pouting a bit and I knew it. I hated it but couldn't seem to stop.

"Yes, you've studied the medical aspect. You would be someone I would consult with should Bella have a physical injury. But her injuries aren't tangible, which is what you have always studied. You've always studied the quantifiable and your world tends towards black and white. Bella's living in the grey right now."

I could understand that explanation. I didn't have to like it, but at least I could understand that.

_Edward, you are feeling extremely empty right now. Do you want to talk about it?_

"I'm not sure what to say," I whispered. I wasn't sure I wanted to discuss this with my brother and father.

"The first thing that comes to your mind is a good place to start usually," Carlisle said.

"The rage is gone and it's left this gaping space in me. I don't know how to fill it or with what."

_Fill it with love for Bella. _

"How?" I asked Jasper.

"It's not one set thing," he explained. "I lived with a hole where the rage used to be for years. Alice helped me heal. The edges faded a little every day for me and finally that hole was gone. There was a scar there, of course, but that's to be expected. Wounds like this don't heal without a trace, even for our kind."

I could understand that. We sat for several hours, each lost in our own thoughts. For once, my own thoughts were able to completely drown out those of the men beside me. I was alone in my own head.

I hadn't realized the extent that the musical therapy was going to help me. I had always intended to do whatever was necessary to help Bella but didn't see that I needed help too. I still wasn't ready to talk about what I was thinking or feeling but at least I was acknowledging it. That had to count for something.

The light had started to fade and twilight closed in as I finally stirred and looked around me. Carlisle and Jasper hadn't moved at all. They waited until I was ready. I was grateful. Jasper nodded once, showing he felt and understood me.

Without a word we headed for home.

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**The list of flowers is up on my profile. A link to a photo album with all the pictures of the flowers and some other assorted images from the story, including my amazing banner a reader made me that will be up shortly! **

**Reviews are love and might make my day suck less...**


	25. New Year

**A/N I know, it's been forever! I'm so sorry. Things have been... complicated. Thank you to hockeymomof4 who left me my 1000th review for Broken. Not only that, she reviewed every chapter along the way! Also much love and thanks to SabLuvsLogan who made me a beautiful banner for Broken. You rock my socks sweetie.  
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**I don't own Twilight.  
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EPOV**

I still needed a few minutes alone so I went straight to my room. I could tell immediately that Bella had been there and I looked around to see what she could have possibly been doing in my room during my absence.

With my sharpened senses I saw almost right away the bloom that was lying gently on the sofa. The soft scent of it was barely discernable from the distance I was standing from it but grew stronger as I approached.

If my heart had been beating it would have stopped in that moment. I recognized the flower. Did Bella know what it meant? Could she finally have discovered my secret from all these months? Did she know what I had been trying to tell her?

_Your love is reciprocated... _the meaning of the ambrosia flower.

I needed to see her, to find out if she knew what it meant when she left it for me.

As I approached her room I could hear her slow, even breathing indicating she was asleep. I slowly opened the door to peek in at her.

She looked like an angel. The room was dark except for the light of a discreet nightlight plugged in beside her bed. Bella's apprehension about windows had yet to lessen so no natural light entered her room and Alice had chosen the small nightlight to offer some illumination and security for Bella should she wake in the night. I realized the day must have exhausted her more than I thought since she had napped earlier and was sleeping already.

I raked my hands through my hair in frustration. I needed to know if she understood the flowers. How was I supposed to wait until morning to find out?

Then I noticed that her hand was resting on her scrapbook. It lay open to the page with a single white poppy pressed to it. Written underneath the bloom in careful script was the name and meaning of the flower.

Bella knew.

I froze in place, unsure of how to feel or react. She had to know now that I loved her. How would she react once the fact settled in to her mind?

The flower she left me… could she possibly love me in return?

_Your love is reciprocated…_

I didn't want to scare her by staying in her room while she slept so I silently went back the way I came to wait for her to wake.

**BPOV**

Slowly, reality crept in to my fuzzy dream world. I stretched my arms above my head but refused to open my eyes and admit reality just yet.

Then it hit me and I paused mid-stretch.

I slept.

I didn't dream.

I haven't slept without nightmares in months. I didn't remember what exactly I dreamed about, if anything, but there was no lingering fear or the shaking that always seemed to accompany the terrors that stalked me in the darkness when my mind was most vulnerable.

What could possibly have kept the nightmares at bay? It came back to me all at once.

Flowers.

Edward.

"Edward?" I called, knowing he would hear me. He appeared beside me faster than I could blink. The last few months had gotten me used to vampire traits so I wasn't surprised.

He smiled at me and I could see, for the first time, the warmth that might have always been there. Had I really been that blind? How could I have missed it? I smiled back at him and reached for his hand. He took mine in his grateful, as I was, for even the slightest contact.

"How did you sleep?" he asked me in a quiet voice. Neither of us wanted to shatter the moment by speaking too loudly or moving. Silly as it seemed, I couldn't help how I felt.

I surprised us both by nearly laughing. "You tell me. I'm sure you were around to know."

His hands tightened around mine briefly before he answered. "No nightmares at all?" he asked.

"Nope, not a one. It feels almost too good to be true…" I said, and I wasn't speaking only of nightmares.

"Thank you for the flower," Edward said suddenly, changing the subject. I couldn't help the blush that heated my face.

"Ambrosia…" I said on a whisper.

"Your love is reciprocated…" he murmured back. I couldn't help the blush that crept over my face as I cast my eyes towards the bedspread, which suddenly became fascinating to me.

A cold finger slid under my chin and raised it until my gaze met his. He searched my face for a moment before mercifully letting the subject go.

I wasn't ready to talk about my feelings for him or his for me just yet. To talk about it would feel… wrong, somehow. I couldn't explain why. Maybe I wasn't ready for it to be real.

"Can we talk… about yesterday?" I asked slowly. I didn't want to speak of the musical therapy session but I knew that I needed to. Edward nodded.

"Of course. Anything you need."

I thought for a few minutes. "Thank you for what you did. I know it couldn't have been easy for you," I said.

"Silly Bella," he said with a smile. "I'd do anything to help you."

Too close to what I didn't want to discuss.

"Still, I wish you didn't have to be there for that. I don't like that you saw me like that… or that you had to feel what I felt. I didn't know music could feel like that. It was … painful. But it was real. I know that you and Jasper must have been using your gifts but you played everything I felt. It was like… I can't even describe what it was like."

"How did it make you feel afterwards?" he asked.

"Cleaner, somehow. I've never been so without words before." I couldn't hide my frustration.

"Sometimes words aren't necessary. Just feel," he whispered. I nodded at him before closing my eyes.

I gripped his hands tighter as my mind rewound the past day, back to the therapy session with Edward and Jasper. I felt my body clench and release as each word and corresponding music rushed through me. My breathing became harsh, almost labored, as I relieved the painful moments. I could hear Jasper's unrelenting voice as he took me to places that I would rather hide from. River, window, Charlie… alley, victim… and the one word that I had hidden from since it happened. No, no more hiding... since I was attacked.

Rape.

I was raped.

Once it was over once more, I felt relief… and resolve.

I opened my eyes to meet Edward's worried face.

"I need to call Charlie."

**JPOV**

I had been worried when Edward started talking to Bella about the musical therapy session. I knew it was slightly selfish of me but I was trying to protect my place in Bella's life as her counselor. Plus, Edward didn't have the years of training that I did. I liked to believe that Bella and I had built a strong rapport in the preceding few months.

It turned out my worries were without basis. Bella went through the same cycle of emotions but to a much lesser degree, leaving her feeling nothing but profound relief.

Had we finally turned a corner with her? I might have believed so, if Alice's visions hadn't intensified. She wouldn't tell me about them, but I could feel her worry.

From upstairs, I heard Bella speak.

"I need to call Charlie," she said clearly. I glanced over at Alice out of habit. Our years together had given us a deep understanding that often did not require words at all. She nodded at me and smiled, indicating that the visit would go well.

I picked up the phone and started to dial.

***

Alice and I were in the dining room so that we could be close if Bella needed us. Edward was beside her in the living room, trying to calm her raging case of panic. Everyone was home, wanting to show as much support for Bella as they possibly could without smothering her. I could hear them all, trying to pretend they were doing anything but focusing completely on the living room.

Carlisle was in his office, of course, but not behind the desk for once. He was seated on the sofa; book in his lap, reading poetry he had memorized years before to his wife. Esme was seated on the floor with her head resting on his knees. She radiated contentment mixed with concern for her newest daughter. Even Emmett and Rosalie had stayed home. The bond between Rosalie and Bella had surprised me as very few things had ever had the power to do. I supposed it was only natural with their similar experiences. Rose was nearly as nervous for Bella as Bella was herself. Emmett was trying valiantly to distract her with lewd suggestions which, in his defense, usually worked. It wasn't working.

I paced the floor, Bella's nerves threatening to take over everything. I'd never felt so much nervous energy. She was ready to explode. I took a deep and completely unnecessary breath before tapping in to Alice's emotions. Since she new the outcome of the visit, she was calm, and I could draw strength from that. I felt her deep wellspring of love for me feeding in to the calm she knew I would need from her. It steadied me, as it always had. I sent my gratitude to her before sending out waves of calm to Bella.

The doorbell rang. It was time.

I could hear Edward shift to let Charlie in. I couldn't take it anymore and moved to the hallway, where I could see the living room clearly but Charlie and Bella wouldn't be able to see me. Not that either one of them would have noticed me. They were focused on one another.

Charlie was nearly as consumed by nerves as Bella was.

Everyone was giving me a headache. I sank down against the wall and put my head into my hands before sending a wave of calm across the entire house. Immediately the tension eased.

"Edward, it's good to see you son," said Charlie from the doorway. I could hear him shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"Charlie, please come in. Bella's been anxious to see you."

Footsteps crossed the foyer and entered the living room where Bella hadn't moved a muscle since the doorbell rang.

No one spoke when the footsteps stopped. The silence dragged on until it throbbed with the emotion of unsaid words.

Charlie broke the silence first.

"Bella," he began hesitantly, "you look… well." I sent out another round of calm to Charlie and Bella. I would seriously need to hunt once he had left.

"Thank you," said Bella's quiet voice. From my seat in the hallway I could see her flush slightly under Charlie's stare. "I'm glad you came."

Charlie moved, finally, and sat next to Bella on the sofa. She inched away from him slightly and I felt his pain at her reaction. She didn't move completely away from him though. I was proud of her.

"Of course I came. Bella, honey, you're my daughter. You're the most important thing in my life. The only important thing. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. There was never any question that I would come if you needed me to."

I felt something tear inside me and it was a heartbeat before I realized I was feeling Bella's emotions and not my own. I could smell the tears that started streaming down her face.

"Daddy, I'm so sorry," she wept. I was stunned. I had never heard Bella refer to Charlie as anything but… well, Charlie. But this was something different, something deeper. It was the hurt child in Bella needing her daddy. "I'm so sorry."

Slowly, carefully, Charlie wrapped his arms around Bella. I felt more than heard Edward move to stand beside me and give them some time together.

"Ssh, honey, don't cry. There's nothing to be sorry for. You didn't do anything wrong."

"But I did! I pushed you away. I shut you out and hurt you. I didn't mean what I said at Thanksgiving."

"I know baby. I've always known. You were hurting. I just wish I could have been what you needed." Charlie's voice cracked on the last word a bit as he confessed his feelings to his broken baby girl.

"Please don't hate me," Bella whispered.

"Hey," said Charlie as all movement in the house stopped. "Look at me." Bella refused to look up so he gently slid a finger under her chin to lift her face to his. "I would _never_ hate you. Ever. The only thing I hate is how much pain you are in and that I can't be the one to put you back together again. When you were little it was so simple. A kiss on a scrape and a tickle was all that you needed to be ok."

"I wish I could be that girl for you again. I wish I could be the daughter you deserved."

"Bells, you are so much more than I ever could have deserved. I know I'm not one for words or talking about feelings and such but you are the best thing that has ever come into my life. I wonder every day what I could have possibly done right to deserve a daughter like you," Charlie finished with tears in his own eyes.

The love he had for his daughter was overwhelming. It filled every inch of me, all the way to my fingertips. Charlie was a quiet man but the love that he felt for Bella was all-consuming and powerful. I couldn't contain it within myself so I threw it from myself into every occupant of the household.

"I love you, Dad."

"I love you too honey."

**BPOV**

I had done it. I had talked to Charlie, been in the same room with him, cried in his arms. Apparently it was a day for cleansing. It was New Year's Eve, so I guessed the timing was appropriate.

I sat in Alice and Jasper's room while I watched Alice and Rosalie get ready to go out for the evening. Everyone had plans for the holiday except Edward and I. Carlisle and Esme were staying in as well but they had some sort of plans in the house. I didn't want to know what they were. I saw them very much as parent figures and I didn't need to know what they did behind closed doors. I had seen Carlisle carry what looked like a thousand cream colored roses with a hint of pink at the tips upstairs though. I guessed Edward wasn't the only romantic in the family.

I watched the girls get ready without a trace of desire to go with them. I wasn't ready to leave my sanctuary of the Cullen home. I was safe here, and I had no inclination to be anywhere else. Plus, Edward and I would be together. My heart sped up a little at the thought, causing both Rosalie and Alice to pause and glance over at me. Rosalie's eyes were concerned, but Alice's were a little too knowing and excited.

"Are you ok, sweetie?" asked Rosalie.

"Sure, I was just thinking about starting a new year," I replied, knowing my answer was lame and didn't explain my heart rate one bit.

Rosalie moved to sit beside me.

"It's a brand new year, with endless possibilities for you. And I know it will be a good year for you."

"Really?" I asked, afraid to hope. "I thought Alice was the fortune teller in the family," I teased.

"I don't have to be able to tell the future to see that. I just know."

I looked up at her perfect face. "You look beautiful. Have fun tonight," I told her. She smiled and hugged me.

***

The house was quiet after the two couples departed. I didn't expect to see any of them until late the following day. Alice had said that it would pour rain all evening and well into the new year so they would be fine being out during the day.

After dinner I found myself in Edward's room listening to music. We didn't say anything. There had been so much silence between us for so long that it felt comfortable and complete.

"What are you thinking?" he finally asked me after we had been sitting in companionable silence for over an hour. His hands were flexing back and forth, as if there was something they longed to be doing.

"I was just thinking how nice it is to be with you like this. I can just be and whatever I'm thinking I know is ok," I responded, hedging just a bit because I knew what I was really thinking wasn't something he would like.

"Bella, what aren't you telling me?" he pressed, knowing I was keeping something from him.

Darn vampire that reads me like a lie detector.

I sighed. "You really want to know?" I asked, trying to buy time.

Edward sighed. "I wouldn't have asked if I didn't."

Fine, I would tell him. "I was thinking that sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better for everyone if I just wasn't... here... anymore. I know it's not easy being around me. It can't be. I'm starting to feel a bit more like the girl I know I was a long time ago, but it doesn't feel familiar anymore. It feels like an echo of the past and a ghost trying to take over."

Edward pinched the bridge of his nose, which I had noticed was a habit of his when he felt exasperated with something. Usually me or Emmett.

"I could tell you all day long and all night that it wouldn't be better at all, but I know it wouldn't do any good. That's something you are going to have to work out for yourself. You remember what Charlie said to you this morning?"

I nodded. I would never forget anything Charlie told me.

"Would he be better off without you?"

I thought about that. No, Charlie wouldn't be better off.

The CD we were listening to clicked off when the last song on it ended and the next automatically started. Familiar strains of a song I loved started to fill the room. I looked at Edward, debating what should have been a simple choice.

_Time, is going by, so much faster than I_

_And I'm starting to regret not spending all of it with you._

_Now, I'm wondering why, I've kept this bottled inside_

_So I'm starting to regret not selling all of it to you._

Slowly, I reached for his hand. His eyes widened in surprise and awe as I took his hand carefully in mine. I tugged gently until he realized what I wanted and stood up, following my lead.

_So if I haven't yet, I'm gonna let you know…_

I slipped carefully into his arms, breathing in his unique scent, and we started to move to the music. I closed my eyes and just enjoyed the moment, content and at peace for just this brief snapshot of my life.

_You're never gonna be alone from this moment on_

_And if you feel like letting go, I won't let you fall_

_You're never gonna be alone, I'll hold you till the hurt is gone._

I felt Edward rest his cheek on top of my head and let out a little sigh as we moved gently to the music, dancing to a song that suddenly felt more like a promise than music.

_And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands  
'Cause forever I believe  
That there's nothing I could need but you  
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know_

_You're never gonna be alone from this moment on  
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall  
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on  
We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone_

_Oh, you've gotta live every single day  
Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?  
Don't let it slip away, could be our only one  
You know it's only just begun, every single day  
Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?  
Tomorrow never comes_

_Time is going by so much faster than I  
And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you_

_You're never gonna be alone from this moment on  
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall  
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on  
We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone_

_I'm gonna be there always  
I won't be missing a word all day  
I'm gonna be there always  
I won't be missing a word all day…_

"Happy New Year Bella."

* * *

**The song Bella and Edward dance to is Never Gonna Be Alone by Nickleback. Finally, Alice's vision! Thank you so much to those that reviewed and PM'd reminding me that there are people that love Broken and want to read what happens next. I cherish you all!**

**I finally finished putting together the photos from Broken. Links are on my profile for all of the flowers, the angels, and other Broken goodies. I was trying to get them all in the right order but Photobucket did not cooperate so they are in no particular order, which annoys me and I will figure out how to fix at some point. :)  
**

**Reviews are love!  
**


	26. Author's note

Lovely readers,

I know I haven't updated in months and I promise, there are very good reasons for that. But I have not abandoned Broken. I fully intend to finish it, but right now my life is in a pretty major state of upheaval.

Let me explain. In early January I was laid off from my day job completely unexpectedly and without severance. Then I was dumped by the man I love. A week later I was laid off from my night job. I have since lost my apartment and am moving in with a friend that has room. Oh, and I'm pregnant. That part I'm cautiously excited about, as I've always wanted to be a mother. The timing is awful, since I just started a new job and I will not be eligible for maternity leave. I am terrified to let my new boss know because I could technically be fired. They don't have to hold a job for me since I won't have been there a year. I won't qualify for short term disability either, so I'm not entirely sure how ends will meet during that time.

But still, I have to be hopeful. A child is a blessing. Timing isn't everything, and I have to believe that I will be a wonderful mother. Lord knows this child will be loved. So come December there will be a new little addition to my life.

Broken will be completed and hopefully soon. There will also likely be a sequel, to be called Damaged. I've also started work on an original fiction called By Choice. I haven't had much in the way of time to write with all the upheaval going on but I hope to get back to it soon. I have several pages of the next chapter of Broken written already. It still needs some work, and there is a long way to go before that chapter is completed. It will likely be the last chapter of Broken, with the exception of an epilogue that will lead into Damaged. It's a pretty big twist that I hope you will all continue to enjoy.

Anyway, I love all of you. I'm so blessed to have such amazing reviewers that have been so supportive and sent amazing messages and reviews, even after such a long time without an update. Your reviews and PM's have really motivated me not to give up on Broken at all. I can't believe it's been nearly a year since I started this journey with all of you. I'm humbled and amazed by the response, which I know I have said before but I can't seem to help saying it again and again. Broken has brought a lot of healing into my life, and I can only pray it has done the same for others. If even one reader was helped by my story, then it was worth how hard this story has been at times to write.

Much love to all of you for sticking with me and with Broken. It's gotten me through some of the worst of the last few weeks.

Wendy Ann


	27. Final Freedom

**A/N - So this is it, the final chapter of Broken. Longer AN at the end.**

**I don't own Twilight or any of the songs referenced below.**

* * *

**Chapter 26 – Final Freedom**

**BPOV**

_January 1__st_

_It's amazing how quickly things can change. Last night, in Edward's arms, I felt peace for the first time since opening my eyes to my new world._

_But it didn't last. How could it, since nothing had changed when everything did?_

_I don't even make sense to myself anymore._

_I need time. My heart is numb has no feeling, so while I'm still healing, just have a little patience._

_I left that song for Edward what seems like a lifetime ago but it's still so true for me. I'm hoping for patience from everyone around me but I'm wondering if I really deserve it. I should be better now. They have all tried so hard and been so understanding and I have done nothing for them. I have nothing to show for their patience. I feel like I need time but I have no way of knowing if that will really be enough._

_I haven't left the house in months. I'm not ready. Here I'm safe. Here is controlled and I know what to expect. There are no surprises, nothing waiting to jump out at me from the dark. I look out the windows and see nothing but trees… and places people could hide. I see threats everywhere out there. I'm only safe here, in the house. Yet sometimes I feel like I'm being smothered here._

_There's no escape. The weight of my own life, my memories, is crushing me and I can't breathe. I can't escape my past. How do I wipe the slate clean? I have to forget. It's too much. There has to be a way to just start over…_

_What do you do when there's nothing left? How do you start over? Can you really pick up the pieces of a shattered existence and make something new or do you have to start over, completely fresh._

_All I have are questions._

_Well, that's not exactly true._

_It's a new year, so maybe I should focus on what I do have in this life. That's one thing, I'm still alive. I haven't decided if that's good or bad yet, so I'll leave that for now._

_Charlie. He means well, and I know he's trying, but he's never been good with words or emotion._

_I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out. I'm falling apart… barely breathing, with a broken heart, that's still beating._

_I wish I could be the daughter he deserves. He needs someone that's whole, real. I'm a shadow. Not even that really, since a shadow is cast from something tangible when the light hits it. I'm a ghost. An uncomfortable reminder of what once was that won't let others move on. A ghost haunts, and is the presence of things best forgotten._

_No, I need to focus on something else. Back to things I do have. The most obvious would be the people that are around me every day. Carlisle, for example. He took a leave of absence from the hospital to be here for me. Given how clumsy I am it's probably good to have a doctor around all of the time. I haven't needed him in a while though… come to think of it; I haven't really been all that clumsy since waking up._

_That's new. I didn't really notice until just now, thinking about Carlisle and doctors. Before, I was constantly getting injured. Now I haven't had so much as a sprain in months. I'll have to think about that._

_Esme is a mother at heart and I think she likes having someone that actually needs taking care of. Not that the others don't need her sometimes too… ugh, nothing is coming out right. I guess it's a good thing that this is my journal and I don't have to worry about someone trying to understand. _

_Why can't my world just start to make sense again? How long before I feel safe?_

I was startled out of my thoughts by a cold hand landing gently on my shoulder. I couldn't help the gasp that slipped from my lips as I jerked the ear buds out of my ears so that I could hear again. I found myself looking at Jasper, who was trying not to smile.

"Sorry," he started, "I said your name but you were very focused on what you were doing. Plus, the music is kind of loud." I sighed, knowing what he was there for. "Ready Bella?"

"As I'll ever be." I sighed again before closing my journal and putting it away in my bedside table. I was really dreading today's session with Jasper. My head was too full and I wasn't ready to let what I was thinking out. The thoughts weren't formed into anything cohesive yet.

**JPOV**

Together we walked down the hall to my office where Bella flopped unceremoniously onto the couch in her normal spot. I sat in what I had long been thinking of as my 'therapist' chair. I never sat in it otherwise. I was trying to keep the part of myself that was Bella's counselor separate from the part that was her friend.

"Can we please talk about something other than me today?" she pleaded.

"What would you rather talk about?" I asked, honestly curious.

"Anything: snow, pickles, current politics, just please not me," she said.

I couldn't help but laugh. "Pickles?" She giggled.

"Ok, maybe not pickles so much," she agreed. "For some reason pickles comes out of my mouth at the strangest times… but we aren't talking about me today." She paused and I could tell she was searching for a different topic. I started putting together what I knew about pickles, just in case. I could feel it when she found a topic she liked. She got excited. "I know! Tell me about you, Jasper."

I found myself hedging just a bit. I wasn't a topic for the faint of heart and I didn't want to damage the progress she had made with me as her therapist. Her trust in me was necessary, and it had to be absolute or I wouldn't be able to help her. "What about me would you like to know?"

"How has the world changed since you were human?"

This was a safe topic and I was relieved. "Everything has changed and nothing has changed, all at the same time," I told her. "The world moves at a faster pace and seems much smaller but people are inherently the same. Everyone feels lost and alone and longs for a connection and to feel loved. Motivations are the same, no matter the time period. People lie for the same reasons they did then, love just as fiercely, though I think that marriage has become a bit disposable, which I do not agree with."

"What do you mean?" she asked, her eyes bright with curiosity.

"When I grew up, marriage was not something that was taken lightly. It was sacred, and not easily ended. People really meant till death do us part. Now people marry and divorce out of boredom. Yes, there are some circumstances where divorce is absolutely warranted, but people aren't willing overall to really work at marriage, which is necessary to make it work."

"Is that why all of you are still with the same spouses after all this time?"

"Not exactly. Vampires are a little different. When we mate, we mate for life, so to speak. Change is something that does not happen easily for my kind and, when it does occur, such as with the bond with a mate, the change is permanent."

"Oh," she said. "That makes sense. Since you aren't really _of_ this world, per se, things that can affect you aren't either. Things like emotion."

"Exactly," I acknowledged her insight.

"What do you remember about being human?"

"Not a lot. I remember my mother. She loved lilacs. They always made her smile. And bluebonnets. I was so eager to be a soldier and it broke her heart but she let me go," I told her.

"What about the others?" she asked, curiosity alive on her face. It was nice to see something there.

"It's different for everyone really. Rosalie fought to keep some of her memories. She focused on them every day I understand, until they became permanent for her. Edward doesn't talk about it much. Emmett always says that it's better to move on and so I'm not sure what he remembers. Carlisle has some very vivid memories of his human life, as does Esme. Alice doesn't remember anything at all."

Her eyes grew wide at that. "She doesn't remember anything at all?"

I shook my head.

She didn't say anything more and I could tell that she was thinking. The strange part was that I couldn't really tell what she was feeling at all. Things around her had gone all soft and fuzzy again and I couldn't make out her emotions. It troubled me because it reminded me of the time she was trapped in herself.

Suddenly I got one emotion very clearly: excitement.

"Jasper! I have the best idea. I need to talk to Carlisle and Esme. Can you ask them to come back and then go out with the others? It's a surprise."

I had never seen Bella so animated about anything so, of course, I agreed and made the call.

Sam POV

I found myself more and more drawn to the Cullen house. To the rest of the pack, I was fulfilling an obligation to a friend, an honorary member of the tribe, and assessing a potential threat. But I knew the truth. I was fascinated by what was happening between the Cullens and Bella Swan. I couldn't think of them as bloodsuckers alone anymore. They had changed in my mind. Of course, I didn't want them anywhere near my family. I wasn't stupid. But I was starting to believe the stories about them.

I was creeping ever closer to the house. It wasn't an attempt to intimidate, and I believe that the Cullens knew that, or they likely would have attacked me at some point. I wanted to watch their interaction with the Swan girl and hear more of what was being said. Sometimes it was difficult to understand as they spoke so quickly and quietly but if I was closer I could pick up more. They really did have nothing but good intentions where the girl was concerned. It threatened me in a different way somehow. It was as if the foundations of what I knew to be true were built on sand that was slipping away.

"It's not nice to eavesdrop, you know," said a voice from my left. I had been so intent on my study of the Cullen behavior habits that I hadn't heard one approach. Sloppy.

I heard a chuckle and glanced over to see the youngest, the one called Edward. I was annoyed that he had snuck up on me in my wolf form and couldn't see anything funny about it. I huffed in annoyance.

"Sorry, it's just that I can read your thoughts and it was amusing that I caught you off guard. I thought you smelled me coming."

Huh. He can hear my thoughts?

"Yes."

_Creepy._

"Sometimes. It depends on the person. It can be very useful though."

_Or annoying._

"Not to me, but to others I suppose. We are all sort of used to it by now." He moved to sit on the grass next to me, a move that surprised me since it put him in a vulnerable position. "I doubt you're here to tear me apart. You would have attacked already," he commented.

_True._ I relaxed a little and looked over at him.

"You've been watching us for a while. Come to any conclusions?" he asked in a neutral tone.

_I figured you knew I was out here. _

"Hard to miss the smell. No offense."

_None taken. You all don't exactly smell great to us, either._

"I can see that."

I'm not sure what to make of you. Bella Swan has been living among you for months yet you haven't hurt her. On the contrary, you all seem devoted to helping her. It's … unexpected.

"People aren't always what they seem at first."

_You count as people? _I stopped. _Sorry, knee-jerk reaction._

"It's understandable. Your people have a history with those like me. But we aren't the same," he said softly but with iron behind the words.

I'm realizing that.

"I came out here to ask you a favor," he said quietly while staring at the ground.

_Favor? _I was wary.

"Relax, it's nothing you won't be able to handle. You heard about the gift Bella got Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett and myself?" he asked.

I nodded. I had overheard Bella's request of Carlisle and Esme a few days earlier.

"None of us can really say no to her, especially when her reasoning is that she wants to give something back to us, so we are going on her trip in a few weeks. I don't feel right not being here to look after her myself. I wanted to ask if you would watch over her even more while we are away. Carlisle and Esme are staying here with her but I would feel better knowing you are nearby. Just in case."

I studied him for a moment, trying to figure out his motives, but his face revealed nothing. Of course, I was aware of his feelings for the Swan girl, and hers for him, but I hadn't expected it to show so easily.

"Don't remind me," he sighed. "All these years alone and now I'm hopeless against one human girl."

I huffed out a laugh and he laughed with me.

This is weird.

"What? Laughing with a mortal enemy that just asked you a favor?"

_Yeah, that._ I laughed again. _Okay Edward. I can do that for you. She will be safe while you are away._

"Thank you," he said, and I could feel the weight of his emotions. It reminded me of my Emily.

We sat in silence, each thinking of the girl we loved.

_It's been nearly a year now since everything changed. Since I changed. Alice especially was reluctant to take the trip to Europe that Esme and Carlisle graciously paid for but was a gift from me to everyone. I was so embarrassed having to ask them to pay for the trips but they were quick to assure me that it really was the thought that mattered, not how it was paid for. I guess when money is no object that's really true. They have all done so much for me this past year, especially Alice in giving Jasper so much freedom to help me whenever I needed him. They deserved a break and I was glad to be able to give it to them, though it is quiet in the house with just Esme, Carlisle and I here. It's kind of nice, though I can't escape my own thoughts in a game of Clue with Emmett since he isn't here._

_Edward didn't want to go either but I reassured him that I wanted him to go. It was important to me that he had a good time. He's been so amazing all of this time and so patient. Plus, this way he could make use of the musical tour aspects of his Christmas gift from Alice and Jasper._

_It's strange how much I miss them but the people that were a part of my life before seem like a faded photograph of people I vaguely remember. Have I really changed so much that people I used to love are strangers now?_

_It's like the phoenix that is my symbol in this family. Rising from the ashes. When you come from the flames, there's nothing left of the old. I've served my time in hell. Or maybe it was purgatory, though I don't know what I could have done to deserved this. My point is, my time is done. Don't I deserve to be free?_

_Bid my blood to run, before I come undone. Save me from the nothing I've become._

Bella Swan closed her journal slowly and carefully placed it in the drawer beside her bed. She took a deep breath and stood, taking in her sanctuary with human eyes one last time.

**BPOV**

It was time. Did I really have the courage for this? My mind raced back and forth between all the possible options but came to the inevitable conclusion I had reached weeks ago. Yes, this was the only way. I carefully made my way down to the kitchen where I could hear Esme puttering away, likely making me a lunch that I would never eat.

When I rounded the corner into the large, well-equipped (though never used before I took up residence) kitchen I saw her doing the dishes from my breakfast that morning at human speed. It made me smile, despite my plans. It was just such a mother thing to do.

"Mind if I help?" I asked as I approached. There was never a need to announce my presence in a house full of vampires.

"Of course dear," she replied with a smile. "I know it's probably odd to do this so slowly, but I have found that I missed things like this from my human life since you came to stay. I find it soothing now. It quiets the mind."

I picked up a dishtowel and began to dry those things that she had already rinsed. Truthfully there wasn't much to do since I was the only one that had eaten but still, I found that she was right. It was soothing. And it made what I had to do next even easier.

I was lucky that my heart was completely calm and didn't betray my intentions in any way as I reached for the knife Esme had just rinsed. I was drying it carefully as I spoke.

"Esme?"

"Yes dear?"

"I'm sorry."

It was all I could say as I quickly and carefully drew the knife vertically from my wrist towards my elbow, flaying open my skin and scenting the air around me with my blood. I put my already pulsing arm directly in front of Esme's mouth.

She fought the urge; I could see that she did. But I knew the call of flowing blood right in front of her would prove too much temptation. And I was right. In seconds she had latched on to my arm and was drinking deeply.

It all happened in seconds and I waited until I could feel the burn begin before I spoke.

"Carlisle?"

I probably didn't need to say anything because the scent of blood would have reached him by then but I wanted to make sure he stopped Esme. I didn't want my death on her conscience. He was by my side in an instant and pulled Esme from my arm. "It's not her fault," I said weakly. "Help her, I'll be fine."

Carlisle looked at me for a split second with unreadable eyes before dragging the struggling Esme from the room and out the back door.

Somewhere in the house a phone began to ring.

I always thought that the last moments of my human life would be terrifying, or that I would see everything flash before my eyes. It wasn't like that at all. Despite the pain of the burning, all I felt was peace. It was like every tendril of agony reached and released another painful piece of history, leaving blissful relief. There really is something cleansing in fire.

All I saw, instead of my entire human life, was Edward's face.

All I heard was his voice, telling me to be strong and that he was waiting.

I felt memories slip from my mind like sand through a broken hourglass. I couldn't have held onto them had I wanted to. In reality I wished they would fall faster. Three days of pain was my payment for a lifetime and longer. I happily paid the price and was grateful.

When those three days were over and my mind a nearly clean slate, I opened my eyes to a new life.

Edward was waiting.

* * *

**Please don't hate me for making Esme do that. *hides under covers* **

**Broken has been the most challenging and exciting thing I have ever done and I've been so blessed and honored by all of you and your reviews and messages. I hope you have enjoyed walking this path with me as well. No, it is not over, just this portion is. There will likely be an epilogue that will lead into Damaged, the sequel to Broken, but with my life in such upheaval I can't guarantee when Damaged will be started.**

**For those that are interested, the baby is doing great. I'm 16 weeks pregnant now and looking for a new place to live so I can be settled before the baby comes in December. We find out Thursday if I'm having a boy or a girl and I'm so excited for that. Things are still a little crazy for me but starting to calm down a bit.  
**

**I hoped you enjoyed the ending of Broken and I hope that many of you will stick around for Damaged. **


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